Blah!
I'm getting ready for my job to start. I'm nervious and excited. Nervious because I've never done banking before and I'm afraid because I am a bit un easy about math that I'm going to make a complet fool of myself. But I'm excited because.. fuck! I got a job again!
But lately, I've been feeling more and more disapointed in my relationship with Chad in some aspects... and better and better about it in others. For example, he was talking to Katie, his ex fiance last night and it bothered me... lots. Now I've never said anything to him about not liking it before but meh, I've been feeling really crappy about it lately. SO he asked me, and for some reason I broke, and told him exactly WHY it bothered me... and I mean everything! I explained how it made me feel and what it made me afraid of, and that she intimidates me a bit. Just sat there and told him everything... and I was expecting him to get soo pissed as he usualy does when I express my feelings about something he does LOL cause he is kinda a bastard that way. But he just got really really sad... Sad because, well because I was hurting, hurting really really badly. He said it hurt his feelings, which I automaticly assumed it ment that I had offened him, but it turned out that he felt that it was his fault indirectly for me hurting.
But he explained his reasons for still talking to her, and why he does it. He told me that the reason he told her I was being "pissy" which some of you might remember from my previous post, was because she was complaining about her boyfriend to him, and Chad told her I was being pissy and that not everything is perfect all the time. He told me that he told Katie a lot about me. About how I love the same things as him, how I take care of him and really love him. How I make him little critters out of clay and so forth. And how happy I make him. He told me that he didn't want her to regret their relationship forever like I regret what happened to Brian, and thats one reason that he talks to her, so she won't go through the rest of her life hurting. He said he had gotten over his revenge when he met me, because I made him happy, and he was able to let go of his repressed anger about her and just wish for her happyness.
And that, the fact that he looked me in the eyes, and was honest with me, wasn't angry with me, and answered every single question I asked with truth, made all my fears dissapear. I just wish it hadn't hurt him so much. I'm just jealous of everything she made him want first.. She was the one that made him want to have kids and a family, and just lots and lots of things.. I just.. I don't know. I'm angry at her for the way she made him shut certian things out of his life. But I know now for a fact, that I'm not going to lose him to either of his ex's. And probably not to anyone because he told me that he wants a family with me! And that his biggest fear is that one day he is going to screw up and I'm not going to want to put up with him anymore, and I'm going to leave.. Or that I'm going to find someone I want to be with more and just dump him...
Funny... those are the same fears I have about him. And I just have to stop being afraid for us, because if all I am is afraid, I'll never be able to appreciate what we do have, and what we will have in the future. His family loves me, he loves my family, and most of all he loves me despite some of the things I do to him. And I love him, despite his blate assholeness from time to time. I told him last night, that I don't want him to stop being friends with Katie, or Carie for that matter, because I believe him, and I believe him when he says... he loves me!
~ Melinda ~
But lately, I've been feeling more and more disapointed in my relationship with Chad in some aspects... and better and better about it in others. For example, he was talking to Katie, his ex fiance last night and it bothered me... lots. Now I've never said anything to him about not liking it before but meh, I've been feeling really crappy about it lately. SO he asked me, and for some reason I broke, and told him exactly WHY it bothered me... and I mean everything! I explained how it made me feel and what it made me afraid of, and that she intimidates me a bit. Just sat there and told him everything... and I was expecting him to get soo pissed as he usualy does when I express my feelings about something he does LOL cause he is kinda a bastard that way. But he just got really really sad... Sad because, well because I was hurting, hurting really really badly. He said it hurt his feelings, which I automaticly assumed it ment that I had offened him, but it turned out that he felt that it was his fault indirectly for me hurting.
But he explained his reasons for still talking to her, and why he does it. He told me that the reason he told her I was being "pissy" which some of you might remember from my previous post, was because she was complaining about her boyfriend to him, and Chad told her I was being pissy and that not everything is perfect all the time. He told me that he told Katie a lot about me. About how I love the same things as him, how I take care of him and really love him. How I make him little critters out of clay and so forth. And how happy I make him. He told me that he didn't want her to regret their relationship forever like I regret what happened to Brian, and thats one reason that he talks to her, so she won't go through the rest of her life hurting. He said he had gotten over his revenge when he met me, because I made him happy, and he was able to let go of his repressed anger about her and just wish for her happyness.
And that, the fact that he looked me in the eyes, and was honest with me, wasn't angry with me, and answered every single question I asked with truth, made all my fears dissapear. I just wish it hadn't hurt him so much. I'm just jealous of everything she made him want first.. She was the one that made him want to have kids and a family, and just lots and lots of things.. I just.. I don't know. I'm angry at her for the way she made him shut certian things out of his life. But I know now for a fact, that I'm not going to lose him to either of his ex's. And probably not to anyone because he told me that he wants a family with me! And that his biggest fear is that one day he is going to screw up and I'm not going to want to put up with him anymore, and I'm going to leave.. Or that I'm going to find someone I want to be with more and just dump him...
Funny... those are the same fears I have about him. And I just have to stop being afraid for us, because if all I am is afraid, I'll never be able to appreciate what we do have, and what we will have in the future. His family loves me, he loves my family, and most of all he loves me despite some of the things I do to him. And I love him, despite his blate assholeness from time to time. I told him last night, that I don't want him to stop being friends with Katie, or Carie for that matter, because I believe him, and I believe him when he says... he loves me!
~ Melinda ~