this is going to be really long and excruciating
What about an update...about me? This is my journal after all, not the coffee shop girls or The Cadets. And well, lately I've been down. I shouldn't be listening to the music I am listening to. It's so beautiful that I cried the first time I heard it, and it puts me in a funk. So perhaps I've induced my melancholy mood. I've sat around being an absolute pill all day. I tried to go rent some movies I could relate to, they're hard to find. But, I saw two good movies this weekend. 'Kill Bill' Vols. 1 & 2. Well 3 movies, saw 'The Life Aquatic' tonight with my parents. My sisters are gone...and really, I miss them. What's more...they've only been gone for a day. I fucking love them more than any two people in the world. Jesus, I need to change my music. But damnit, I get this way occasionally. I guess, I have no drama in my life, so I need to turn my inner troubles into outside troubles sometimes. Drama is the other white meat of teenage girls.
I do not really feel like a teenage girl, or a girl at all. I don't feel like a boy either. I struggle with figuring out quite what I feel. I really think this is because I am missing out on my life. For me, there is almost no social life, and I like it that way. I am so insecure, shy, and unsure of myself. Also for me, there is my music and my school things. I pride myself on these things. I had a boyfriend once who I really really liked, it just made me feel disgusting though and I didn't even make physical contact with him. I haven't liked a boy in a while and haven't ever felt like I could get one if I wanted to. Besides Sean. I feel so awkward. I don't have anyone I want to talk about it with, I keep so much to myself. I don't get all excited and blush when talking about boys or things like that. It just makes me weak inside, embarassed, makes me think and then get more confused about myself. I don't feel pretty, I don't feel exciting, I don't feel like if I were my friend that I'd want to be with myself. I feel smart, that's about it. It's not fulfilling at all. I will have a very successful future, I will go to medical school, I will be a skilled surgeon. I think, I live so much in the future. I don't have much fun, but I want to have fun. You know, but I'm scared. I get told a lot how much of a bookworm and a prude I am. It's true, I'm a fucking nerd. Solitary, reserved, motivated but really quite frustrated and discontent with my feeling and my life. And the bad thing is, I care more about other people than I do about myself. That is the absolute God's truth, I care about my friends and about people that don't even acknowledge my existence so much. I think what I need is a friend.
I have thoughts and questions about myself that have plagued my mind for two years. They do not leave my mind...I turn them over in my head every minute of the day. Lots of little things and a few very big important issues. The supposed high school mission of 'finding yourself' is the toughest objective I have ever undertaken. I'd say as of now I've made little to no progress. I do have a list of points about myself I'd like to uncover and decode. I analyze my thoughts, I think myself in circles and learn nothing about myself. I'd like someone to just tell me truthfully what I look to them, what my personality says. I feel like I come off really narcissistic sometimes, I think because my intellect is my only defining point. I have no external beauty to show off, I do not feel like I have an exciting personality to show off. I have brains...and maybe that's just me desperately searching for a good quality, it's probably inflated in my head. I tried the other day to write down my qualities-good and bad. I wrote down a few, but when reviewing them I became aware that I derived them from the way I think about my own thoughts. That probably makes absolutely no sense. The way I think about the normal actions of people...what they mean, what they say about me. I get upset and offended really easily, I won't show it. But one maleable word or gesture, I manage to mold into something that degrades my character, denigrates me.
So, with every new relationship I make, I become paranoid and pick through compulsively my new friend's actions/words. What are they really trying to say? Do they like me? Do they think I'm ugly? stupid? pathetic? unexciting? Why do they like me? Why do they want to be my friend? I'd like to know that. I don't want to go to the movies with them, I don't want to talk about me. I am so socially starved that I becomed obsessed and attached to someone remotely interesting in a second. I want them automatically to be comfortable around me. And it always ends up with this happening, and me being the one that's uncomfortable...not with them, but with myself.
Growing up, I had a close friend. I no longer get along with her, I don't want to see her. How this happened I don't know. We never had a 'falling out'. My mom once told me that once when I was speaking of Eliza (this friend) I said "Eliza is my friend because she helps me with sports, and I am her friend because I help her with math and reading." I was in first grade. I guess then there was a very simple reason why she was my friend and I was hers. Now, I don't feel like a friend but god I want to be someone's friend so much. I love talking to people, I love hearing about their problems, I love hugging them, I love being around them when they're upset, I like to make them feel better. I like that feeling more than anything. I wish one of my friends was in this room with me crying right now. I would hug them, tell them all the wonderful things about them, maybe not say anything at all. I would show them how much I loved them.
I have a wonderful friend. Her name is Caroline Silva. She is in college now, I miss her more than she knows. I used to do little things for her like leave notes in her music folder, write messages on her front porch, leave stickies on her door, on her windshield. I bet she thought some of those things were really weird and excessive. I cared so much about her, I wanted her to know that. I think that is extremely important, letting your friends know how much they mean to you. And even after doing all that stuff, I felt like a lousy friend. I don't know why. I just felt like a shitty friend. I feel like a shitty friend to all my friends. Jesus.
I feel like I live in a bubble. At school, I see people in the hall and I don't look at them. They tell their friends they think I hate them. But I don't, I love them. I want them to like me, but I'm scared because I think they think I'm weird.
When you first meet me, you think I'm really funny, I crack some good jokes, curse a lot, make sarcastic references about people. By this point I've probably fallen in love with you in some way. But then, when I've formed feelings about you, I think you hate me. Not because you've done anything, but I feel so stupid. So by now, I feel like a fucking idiot and wonder why I even bothered you. If you see me, I will be really afraid to talk to you. I probably will act like I don't see you, just so I don't feel humiliated and retarded when I do get up the courage to talk to you. Maybe still, you want to be my friend. I want to be yours too. But I don't want to do something with you by ourselves because I will feel like I'm boring you. If we ever do get in this situation, I will sit there and not talk, I am analyzing everything you have said since the beginning of our time together. If I do talk, I will ask you about yourself. And I care too! You probably want to talk about boys (or girls as the case may be), but I want to talk about you. And not petty things, one thing I will usually ask about is what you want to do in the future. I'll ask you if you're scared, excited, unsure. If we do talk about boys, I won't talk about my situation, I'll ask about yours and you'll probably really want to tell me all about it. But you'll think I'm not interested. I know that you're thinking that I'm just following some standard set of questions, just by custom, not really looking for answers. So, you stop talking because you don't trust that I care. Then, I feel like an idiot, and you feel...some way.
That's a little about how my mind works. Talk to me about your problems, concerns, joys. I care. A lot, a whole hell of a lot.
All people get confused about themselves. I just feel like a big insatiable, confused mess of a person.
I compare myself to my sisters a lot. They've just left middle school. Mary has a best friend and is very attractive, she's sometimes hard to get along with but I love her. Rachel has had 2 boyfriends, has a flamboyant personality, is athletic, popular but like me, doesn't think much of herself. Rachel is really really outgoing, I think she covers up her insecurity with this in some strange way. Thinking back to middle school, I honestly can't think of a person I considered a friend. I didn't even have a relationship with Ben back then. Then, I don't think I cared about people nearly as much as I do now. Even in middle school where nothing really matters in the long run, I was an over achiever. Studying constantly, practicing my music constantly. Never going to the movies, sorry I'm studying. I'm making five copies of my notes until they are etched into my mind forever and ever.
Great! Knowledge! Now I feel better about myself! If only knowing lots of facts would make me popular. Maybe I'll study another two hours, this makes me feel good about myself. Well. The test is over now, my numerical reward will be in my academic record, but I myself have gained nothing.
Whatever, I'm retarded. Tune in for another episode of 'Lydia Bitches (unnecssesarily) About Her Life'.
I do not really feel like a teenage girl, or a girl at all. I don't feel like a boy either. I struggle with figuring out quite what I feel. I really think this is because I am missing out on my life. For me, there is almost no social life, and I like it that way. I am so insecure, shy, and unsure of myself. Also for me, there is my music and my school things. I pride myself on these things. I had a boyfriend once who I really really liked, it just made me feel disgusting though and I didn't even make physical contact with him. I haven't liked a boy in a while and haven't ever felt like I could get one if I wanted to. Besides Sean. I feel so awkward. I don't have anyone I want to talk about it with, I keep so much to myself. I don't get all excited and blush when talking about boys or things like that. It just makes me weak inside, embarassed, makes me think and then get more confused about myself. I don't feel pretty, I don't feel exciting, I don't feel like if I were my friend that I'd want to be with myself. I feel smart, that's about it. It's not fulfilling at all. I will have a very successful future, I will go to medical school, I will be a skilled surgeon. I think, I live so much in the future. I don't have much fun, but I want to have fun. You know, but I'm scared. I get told a lot how much of a bookworm and a prude I am. It's true, I'm a fucking nerd. Solitary, reserved, motivated but really quite frustrated and discontent with my feeling and my life. And the bad thing is, I care more about other people than I do about myself. That is the absolute God's truth, I care about my friends and about people that don't even acknowledge my existence so much. I think what I need is a friend.
I have thoughts and questions about myself that have plagued my mind for two years. They do not leave my mind...I turn them over in my head every minute of the day. Lots of little things and a few very big important issues. The supposed high school mission of 'finding yourself' is the toughest objective I have ever undertaken. I'd say as of now I've made little to no progress. I do have a list of points about myself I'd like to uncover and decode. I analyze my thoughts, I think myself in circles and learn nothing about myself. I'd like someone to just tell me truthfully what I look to them, what my personality says. I feel like I come off really narcissistic sometimes, I think because my intellect is my only defining point. I have no external beauty to show off, I do not feel like I have an exciting personality to show off. I have brains...and maybe that's just me desperately searching for a good quality, it's probably inflated in my head. I tried the other day to write down my qualities-good and bad. I wrote down a few, but when reviewing them I became aware that I derived them from the way I think about my own thoughts. That probably makes absolutely no sense. The way I think about the normal actions of people...what they mean, what they say about me. I get upset and offended really easily, I won't show it. But one maleable word or gesture, I manage to mold into something that degrades my character, denigrates me.
So, with every new relationship I make, I become paranoid and pick through compulsively my new friend's actions/words. What are they really trying to say? Do they like me? Do they think I'm ugly? stupid? pathetic? unexciting? Why do they like me? Why do they want to be my friend? I'd like to know that. I don't want to go to the movies with them, I don't want to talk about me. I am so socially starved that I becomed obsessed and attached to someone remotely interesting in a second. I want them automatically to be comfortable around me. And it always ends up with this happening, and me being the one that's uncomfortable...not with them, but with myself.
Growing up, I had a close friend. I no longer get along with her, I don't want to see her. How this happened I don't know. We never had a 'falling out'. My mom once told me that once when I was speaking of Eliza (this friend) I said "Eliza is my friend because she helps me with sports, and I am her friend because I help her with math and reading." I was in first grade. I guess then there was a very simple reason why she was my friend and I was hers. Now, I don't feel like a friend but god I want to be someone's friend so much. I love talking to people, I love hearing about their problems, I love hugging them, I love being around them when they're upset, I like to make them feel better. I like that feeling more than anything. I wish one of my friends was in this room with me crying right now. I would hug them, tell them all the wonderful things about them, maybe not say anything at all. I would show them how much I loved them.
I have a wonderful friend. Her name is Caroline Silva. She is in college now, I miss her more than she knows. I used to do little things for her like leave notes in her music folder, write messages on her front porch, leave stickies on her door, on her windshield. I bet she thought some of those things were really weird and excessive. I cared so much about her, I wanted her to know that. I think that is extremely important, letting your friends know how much they mean to you. And even after doing all that stuff, I felt like a lousy friend. I don't know why. I just felt like a shitty friend. I feel like a shitty friend to all my friends. Jesus.
I feel like I live in a bubble. At school, I see people in the hall and I don't look at them. They tell their friends they think I hate them. But I don't, I love them. I want them to like me, but I'm scared because I think they think I'm weird.
When you first meet me, you think I'm really funny, I crack some good jokes, curse a lot, make sarcastic references about people. By this point I've probably fallen in love with you in some way. But then, when I've formed feelings about you, I think you hate me. Not because you've done anything, but I feel so stupid. So by now, I feel like a fucking idiot and wonder why I even bothered you. If you see me, I will be really afraid to talk to you. I probably will act like I don't see you, just so I don't feel humiliated and retarded when I do get up the courage to talk to you. Maybe still, you want to be my friend. I want to be yours too. But I don't want to do something with you by ourselves because I will feel like I'm boring you. If we ever do get in this situation, I will sit there and not talk, I am analyzing everything you have said since the beginning of our time together. If I do talk, I will ask you about yourself. And I care too! You probably want to talk about boys (or girls as the case may be), but I want to talk about you. And not petty things, one thing I will usually ask about is what you want to do in the future. I'll ask you if you're scared, excited, unsure. If we do talk about boys, I won't talk about my situation, I'll ask about yours and you'll probably really want to tell me all about it. But you'll think I'm not interested. I know that you're thinking that I'm just following some standard set of questions, just by custom, not really looking for answers. So, you stop talking because you don't trust that I care. Then, I feel like an idiot, and you feel...some way.
That's a little about how my mind works. Talk to me about your problems, concerns, joys. I care. A lot, a whole hell of a lot.
All people get confused about themselves. I just feel like a big insatiable, confused mess of a person.
I compare myself to my sisters a lot. They've just left middle school. Mary has a best friend and is very attractive, she's sometimes hard to get along with but I love her. Rachel has had 2 boyfriends, has a flamboyant personality, is athletic, popular but like me, doesn't think much of herself. Rachel is really really outgoing, I think she covers up her insecurity with this in some strange way. Thinking back to middle school, I honestly can't think of a person I considered a friend. I didn't even have a relationship with Ben back then. Then, I don't think I cared about people nearly as much as I do now. Even in middle school where nothing really matters in the long run, I was an over achiever. Studying constantly, practicing my music constantly. Never going to the movies, sorry I'm studying. I'm making five copies of my notes until they are etched into my mind forever and ever.
Great! Knowledge! Now I feel better about myself! If only knowing lots of facts would make me popular. Maybe I'll study another two hours, this makes me feel good about myself. Well. The test is over now, my numerical reward will be in my academic record, but I myself have gained nothing.
Whatever, I'm retarded. Tune in for another episode of 'Lydia Bitches (unnecssesarily) About Her Life'.