Strange...Very Strange
I didn't go to sleep last night, so I'm a TAD bit exhausted today. I went to my very last class of the year earlier and just barely made it through it. I then came back to the room and passed out. I only got to nap for a little over an hour, because I had another appointment at Cook Counseling Center at 3:00. I set my alarm to get up shortly before my appointment, but it didn't really wake me up. Instead, the phone rang... thank you for calling, Randi... otherwise I would have missed my appointment...again.
The strangest thing happened when I got up. Although I had only been asleep for a short period of time, I felt as though I had relived my entire life through my sleep and that I was dead. I quickly came to and realized this was not so, but a strange thought crossed my mind after I hung up the phone-- I started to wonder why everything happens and why everything has been so complicated. For that split second in time, I was completely happy, numb, fearless, and a million other emotions all bottled into one, and everything just seemed so easy. As I headed off for the CCC, this quickly faded and I was again exhausted.
Now for the appointment. I'm almost positive that my counselor thinks I'm crazy... perhaps I am, who knows. Do you know how all of the adults when talking in the Charlie Brown movies just sound monotonous and don't make sense? Well, my counselor sounded like that to me. I was just in a daze the whole time. I could here myself talking, but it just sounded so mumbled. It was such a strange experience. I felt like everything I was saying was completely irrelevant and that he was just reading to me from a list of trained responses he was allowed to give me. If that makes sense, which I doubt it does. I know that he realizes that I have problems, but I also know that he is incapable of helping me. So this has been a complete waste of time... but, I have decided to go get help over the summer back home, from a real psychiatrist--someone who has the ability to help me.
So now I ask myself: What is the meaning of my life? I know that I have asked this before, but now I really want to know the answer. I mean, I don't see why I have to live the one and only life that I have so damn unhappily. It doesn't seem fair that others can go through life not ever having to worry about a damn thing, but yet I have to worry about everything. I think my life is meaningless, but I'm not going to do anything stupid just to end it, just so you know. I don't understand why people commit suicide. That just boggles my mind. Sure things get bad, but they can only get to a certain low before they have to get better. Right? Oh God, I hope I'm right. Although it seems that I've reached the lowest low and nothing is looking positive for me yet. Nothing makes sense anymore!!! I just want to sleep for a while. Maybe my dreams will answer my questions. Naptime...G'night
The strangest thing happened when I got up. Although I had only been asleep for a short period of time, I felt as though I had relived my entire life through my sleep and that I was dead. I quickly came to and realized this was not so, but a strange thought crossed my mind after I hung up the phone-- I started to wonder why everything happens and why everything has been so complicated. For that split second in time, I was completely happy, numb, fearless, and a million other emotions all bottled into one, and everything just seemed so easy. As I headed off for the CCC, this quickly faded and I was again exhausted.
Now for the appointment. I'm almost positive that my counselor thinks I'm crazy... perhaps I am, who knows. Do you know how all of the adults when talking in the Charlie Brown movies just sound monotonous and don't make sense? Well, my counselor sounded like that to me. I was just in a daze the whole time. I could here myself talking, but it just sounded so mumbled. It was such a strange experience. I felt like everything I was saying was completely irrelevant and that he was just reading to me from a list of trained responses he was allowed to give me. If that makes sense, which I doubt it does. I know that he realizes that I have problems, but I also know that he is incapable of helping me. So this has been a complete waste of time... but, I have decided to go get help over the summer back home, from a real psychiatrist--someone who has the ability to help me.
So now I ask myself: What is the meaning of my life? I know that I have asked this before, but now I really want to know the answer. I mean, I don't see why I have to live the one and only life that I have so damn unhappily. It doesn't seem fair that others can go through life not ever having to worry about a damn thing, but yet I have to worry about everything. I think my life is meaningless, but I'm not going to do anything stupid just to end it, just so you know. I don't understand why people commit suicide. That just boggles my mind. Sure things get bad, but they can only get to a certain low before they have to get better. Right? Oh God, I hope I'm right. Although it seems that I've reached the lowest low and nothing is looking positive for me yet. Nothing makes sense anymore!!! I just want to sleep for a while. Maybe my dreams will answer my questions. Naptime...G'night