Thinking causes pain
So, I guess I knew this was coming, I was just hoping that it wouldn't. I won't lie and say that I'm ok with not being able to go back to Tech next semester. I'm NOT ok with it. This means that I have to spend the next 8 months here in Fishersville, and that's not something I'm looking forward to. I haven't even been here an entire week yet, and already my family and I aren't getting along too well. I completely broke down Saturday night and it's likely that that could happen again. I still don't have a job, and now I have even less motivation to go out and find one. I just want to sit in my room-my comfort zone as one might call it. Things just are not looking good.
I was just lying down, crying, and I had this dream that someone was knocking at my bedroom door and when I opened it, it was Bucky... but that didn't really happen. I wish it would though. I just want to hug him. That would mean so much to me. I guess I'll always have really deep feelings for him and I was a fool to let him go, over and over again. I know that if something returns after you let it go, that it's a miracle... well, I let go of that miracle more times than I can count, and I'm regretting it more than anything. I am such a fool. Regrets, regrets, regrets... the story of my life-all about regrets.
Here I am talking about Bucky, when I know that John is up in Fairfax and that I'll get to see him soon. I talked to John Saturday night when I thought I was losing it. He really cheered me up. He always has been able to do that. It's just too bad that I can't talk to him now. I guess I could call him, but I don't need my parents to bitch at me for making a long distance call. John is such a great guy... I mean, he's smart, attractive, fun, and I really like him. Apparently he has told his mother about me and he says that she is looking forward to meeting me. This should be interesting. If she's anything like him, then I know I'll like her... I just hope she likes me :-/
So now I sit here and I wonder once again, "Where is my life going?" I guess I'm looking at having to get two part-time jobs for the summer, and I'll keep one of those while I'm going to community college first semester. I hate that I have to go to Blue Ridge, but if I don't go, I lose all of my dad's insurance and I have to start paying back my loans, which I don't have the money for right now. So where can I work? I just filled out applications for CVS, Staples, Maurice's, Peeble's... I'm stopping by Rite Aid, Rowe's, Shell, and Best Western tomorrow. So I work a few jobs and then go back to school... what do I do after that? I go back to Tech and try desperately not to fail out. But, I still don't have a major; I have no idea what I want to do in life, if anything at all.
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Ok, I had to stop writing for a few hours, because Josh and Jamie stopped by. We didn't really do much of anything, but it was still nice that they came over. It's not very often that I have visitors here at home. Now that I think about it, I never really had many visitors at Tech either. I was always the one going to see other people... how odd. I showed off my computer, because I love it, and we just listened to music and looked at pictures. None of us really talked about anything, but I guess there wasn't much to talk about. It's kind of odd that I was talking about Bucky on here earlier, and while Josh was here, he told me that Bucky said hello. I would love to call him right now, but I just don't think I can do that. I refuse to let myself hurt him one more time...it just isn't fair to him. But, I know that deep down I love him and always will. So why won't I let myself be with him? I just don't get it. I already know the answer to that. I'm afraid. I always have been. I did the same thing with Jonathan Baber and John Thacker. What is it with me and the name John? Great name, huh? Yeah, it is. You know what's kind of funny? The song "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover" just came on my playlist, and I think that I have used all 50.
I just thought of something. Since I won't be at school for the next 8 months, that means I have 8 months that I can try for a relationship without having to worry about other things. So now I'm faced with this decision:
~~~~On one hand, there's Bucky--whom I know that I have the ability to fall back in love with
and
~~~~On the other hand, there's John--whom I think could just turn my world upside down, which is a good thing.
Now there are negatives to both. I mean Bucky might not be willing to forgive me again, and if I were to hurt him, well... I can't even comprehend the pain that I would cause. John will be at Tech, moving on with his life, and I would just be holding him back for something that might not be worthwhile in the end (that something being me). So the question is, what do I do? I don't have an answer. When I think of Bucky, I think of someone who always made me happy. He's the only guy I've ever seen myself being able to grow old with. We used to joke that we'd be sitting on our front porch in our rocking chairs and talking about the weather... lol... don't ever lot me grow old :-) There, my first smile of the day.
There is so much running through my head right now. I don't even know what to type...it's all so jumbled. But I'm writing this offline and then copying and pasting, so I guess if I forget anything, I'll just add it in before I post this tonight.
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Again, I had to go away for an hour or so. I decided to call Bucky. He's doing well, and as I suspected, he has a girlfriend now. I guess that settles the dispute from earlier, doesn't it? I had to go fix some dinner, because my parents decided not to invite me down to dine with them tonight. I just got online, and John isn't on. I wanted to talk to him, but I'll just wait I suppose. I think I'm tired of writing for the night, but if anything interesting comes up, I'll be sure to write about it at some point. My eyes are killing me
I was just lying down, crying, and I had this dream that someone was knocking at my bedroom door and when I opened it, it was Bucky... but that didn't really happen. I wish it would though. I just want to hug him. That would mean so much to me. I guess I'll always have really deep feelings for him and I was a fool to let him go, over and over again. I know that if something returns after you let it go, that it's a miracle... well, I let go of that miracle more times than I can count, and I'm regretting it more than anything. I am such a fool. Regrets, regrets, regrets... the story of my life-all about regrets.
Here I am talking about Bucky, when I know that John is up in Fairfax and that I'll get to see him soon. I talked to John Saturday night when I thought I was losing it. He really cheered me up. He always has been able to do that. It's just too bad that I can't talk to him now. I guess I could call him, but I don't need my parents to bitch at me for making a long distance call. John is such a great guy... I mean, he's smart, attractive, fun, and I really like him. Apparently he has told his mother about me and he says that she is looking forward to meeting me. This should be interesting. If she's anything like him, then I know I'll like her... I just hope she likes me :-/
So now I sit here and I wonder once again, "Where is my life going?" I guess I'm looking at having to get two part-time jobs for the summer, and I'll keep one of those while I'm going to community college first semester. I hate that I have to go to Blue Ridge, but if I don't go, I lose all of my dad's insurance and I have to start paying back my loans, which I don't have the money for right now. So where can I work? I just filled out applications for CVS, Staples, Maurice's, Peeble's... I'm stopping by Rite Aid, Rowe's, Shell, and Best Western tomorrow. So I work a few jobs and then go back to school... what do I do after that? I go back to Tech and try desperately not to fail out. But, I still don't have a major; I have no idea what I want to do in life, if anything at all.
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Ok, I had to stop writing for a few hours, because Josh and Jamie stopped by. We didn't really do much of anything, but it was still nice that they came over. It's not very often that I have visitors here at home. Now that I think about it, I never really had many visitors at Tech either. I was always the one going to see other people... how odd. I showed off my computer, because I love it, and we just listened to music and looked at pictures. None of us really talked about anything, but I guess there wasn't much to talk about. It's kind of odd that I was talking about Bucky on here earlier, and while Josh was here, he told me that Bucky said hello. I would love to call him right now, but I just don't think I can do that. I refuse to let myself hurt him one more time...it just isn't fair to him. But, I know that deep down I love him and always will. So why won't I let myself be with him? I just don't get it. I already know the answer to that. I'm afraid. I always have been. I did the same thing with Jonathan Baber and John Thacker. What is it with me and the name John? Great name, huh? Yeah, it is. You know what's kind of funny? The song "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover" just came on my playlist, and I think that I have used all 50.
I just thought of something. Since I won't be at school for the next 8 months, that means I have 8 months that I can try for a relationship without having to worry about other things. So now I'm faced with this decision:
~~~~On one hand, there's Bucky--whom I know that I have the ability to fall back in love with
and
~~~~On the other hand, there's John--whom I think could just turn my world upside down, which is a good thing.
Now there are negatives to both. I mean Bucky might not be willing to forgive me again, and if I were to hurt him, well... I can't even comprehend the pain that I would cause. John will be at Tech, moving on with his life, and I would just be holding him back for something that might not be worthwhile in the end (that something being me). So the question is, what do I do? I don't have an answer. When I think of Bucky, I think of someone who always made me happy. He's the only guy I've ever seen myself being able to grow old with. We used to joke that we'd be sitting on our front porch in our rocking chairs and talking about the weather... lol... don't ever lot me grow old :-) There, my first smile of the day.
There is so much running through my head right now. I don't even know what to type...it's all so jumbled. But I'm writing this offline and then copying and pasting, so I guess if I forget anything, I'll just add it in before I post this tonight.
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Again, I had to go away for an hour or so. I decided to call Bucky. He's doing well, and as I suspected, he has a girlfriend now. I guess that settles the dispute from earlier, doesn't it? I had to go fix some dinner, because my parents decided not to invite me down to dine with them tonight. I just got online, and John isn't on. I wanted to talk to him, but I'll just wait I suppose. I think I'm tired of writing for the night, but if anything interesting comes up, I'll be sure to write about it at some point. My eyes are killing me