Job Update
Monday August 29, 2005 ~7:10 am
I actually wrote a large portion of this entry way back at the beginning of August, but never ended up posting it. So I’m just keeping it and adding in all the current updates now.
Job Options and Opportunities (original entry)
I met with my friend from school Saturday July 30th to get back the study guide I’d loaned her for the licensure exam. She told me that there were still job opportunities at the hospital where she and another friend of mine from school are currently working. In fact, there’s a job in inpatient ortho rehab which is exactly where I’d like to work. The problem is, the reason the job’s open is because the current person working there gave their 3 weeks notice, so they need someone to work soon, and I won’t really be ready until October. Also, with that person leaving, it means that the only physical therapists working in that particular department would be me and my friend, so there would be no really experienced therapist there. Just us two new grads. And one of the main reasons I wanted to go into the hospital setting was because there would be more therapists around for support. Also, the time off wouldn’t be as flexible, so I don’t know if it would still be possible for me to go to the Barbara Brennan School of Healing. They also only give about $500 for continuing education classes, which isn’t much considering the classes I want to take cost a couple thousand. And they also don’t give a lot of time off for the classes, so I’d probably have to take personal time. The medical benefits would be better at least, though. And people only have to work two holidays, and it’s a Jewish hospital, so it would be a lot easier for me to work Christmas and get off for the High Holy Days.
I’ve heard so many good things about the hospital from my friend, though, that I’d definitely like to at least apply there and see for myself. It’s also the closest one to home and not too far into the city. I don’t even know if I’ll bother applying to any other hospitals, but I’ll see. I was planning to fill out the online application on Monday, but still haven’t gotten around to it. I’ll have to definitely do that Friday morning no matter what.
Then on Tuesday August 2nd at my chakra balancing class, my friend who introduced me to the rehab and pain clinic where I interviewed at previously gave me some news. It ends up that the one and only physical therapist working at the Owings Mills clinic where I was planning to work just gave his two months notice. He had just gone on vacation to Kentucky the week before and then decided he wanted to move back there to be closer to his family. So while that means that the clinic will be REALLY desperate to hire a physical therapist, I’ll really be flying solo. And unlike the inpatient ortho rehab which I feel I can handle, I’ll be alone and completely out of my element at the pain clinic. There will still be some very experienced, highly knowledgable physical therapy assistants there, including my friend. But although they may be able to help me with treatments and getting used to the office, I’ll be on my own for evaluations. I was nervous before about just the clinic itself, but the thought of being thrown in the deep end without even knowing how to swim and no life guards on duty is a bit much.
So, on one hand I can choose the job in the setting I feel comfortable in with friends at my side, but limited access to continuing education and furthering my path in energy and other types of healing. Or, on the other hand I can choose the job where I dive into the unknown, but have complete access to everything I need to follow my dreams, and just pray I don’t get completely lost and overwhelmed along the way. I just really don’t know. I’m probably jumping ahead of myself, though. The hospital needs someone NOW, so they may not be able to wait until I can work in October. Then again, there’s such a shortage of therapists, they might not be able to find anyone anyway. And with the other clinic, they may send one of the people from the other office over to help me and hopefully won’t leave me running the place solo. I guess I’ll submit the application and interview at the hospital and see what my heart tells me to do.
Hospital Application and Interview (updated)
Well, I finally submitted my application by nearly midnight Friday August 5th. Then first thing Monday morning on my way to meet Cathradan, I got a call from the hospital asking me to set up an interview. Talk about a fast response! I set up an interview for Friday August 12th where I got a tour of the physical therapy department and some of the hospital, then interviewed with the Program Manager, the head PT of the ortho rehab department, and the head of another department. It was a bit intimidating, but they were all fairly laid back and I answered most of the questions without too much trouble, even though I definitely didn’t feel I’d prepared myself as much as I should have. After that, I went to meet the HR person and had another semi-interview with her. That one flowed so easily, it didn’t even seem like an interview at all, though. Then I headed back up to the PT department and hung out with the friend who introduced me to the job for about an hour while I observed her treating a patient and asked her questions about the job and hospital in general. Then they had an in-service on spasticity management and intrathecal baclofen therapy which was very interesting, along with a free lunch which I also attended. I talked to the program manager one more time before I left to ask her a few questions about what kind of stuff I’d need to take care of before starting like CPR re-certification and orientation dates. She said she had a few more interviews to get through until next Thursday and she’d let me know then if I got the job or not, but it was looking good for me. That still made me a bit nervous, though, since I didn’t except there to be much competition for the job since PT’s are in such a shortage right now.
Weight off my Shoulders (updated)
Even though I was nervous with waiting to hear if I’d gotten the job or not, going to the interview was such an incredible weight off my shoulders. Before going, I was really torn about what job I wanted and was plagued with anxiety about making the right decision. If you haven’t noticed the theme in my journal entries, I cannot stand being torn between making a decision! That little in between spot of not knowing which way to go is absolute torture for me! As soon as I went to the hospital, though, I knew that was where I wanted to be. I needed the large group environment of having lots of peers, especially ones around my own age as opposed to the relative isolation of the out patient pain clinic. I also wanted a good support group and the hospital not only had a lot of peers to turn to for advice, but also an official mentoring program.
I would get better medical benefits, a very generous salary, 8 holidays (only two of which I have to work), 10 vacation days, and 12 paid time off days. So totaling 30 days off. I also have to work one weekend a month, but I get flex time in return. So I could work the weekend before a Gathering and then ask for the Friday of the Gathering off without actually needing to use up a vacation day. I also asked about the continuing education opportunities, and although they only give $500 per year as opposed to the almost unlimited funds of the outpatient clinic, they may still pay for certain certification courses that they want their therapists to be qualified to create programs at the hospital for. I’m hoping that included lymphedema massage, even though they already paid for another therapist’s certification in that. Also, they offer $2,500 tuition reimbursement for non-nursing courses for employees seeking a second degree. I’m hoping that may include the Barbara Brennan School of Healing since they offer a Bachelor’s degree. And they also offer limited administrative leave for certain courses, so I’ll have to see what t they’ll allow in terms of the courses I want to take. In addition to all of that, they always have learning opportunities available at the hospital such as courses for employees and regular in-service opportunities. I also found out the doctor in charge of a new chronic pain group they’re starting up is an acupuncturist. So I’m hoping he’ll be more open to alternative medicine and maybe even let me do some energy healing on some of the chronic pain patients.
I won’t get to practice as much energy healing as I would have if I went to the outpatient clinic, but with the outpatient clinic, I was also concerned about unethical billing. From what I heard they were putting in charges for physical therapy treatments like neuro re-education, even though the only treatment performed was energy healing, which doesn’t have a PT treatment code and wouldn’t be accepted by any insurance companies that I know of. I just don’t think I’d fee right doing that. Not to mention they could have to face some severe legal consequences if anyone found out about it. Other than a few of the people working there, like my friend, I just got a very closed, isolated, unorganized feeling from the outpatient clinic in general.
Job Offer (updated)
I called the hospital on Monday to thank them for the interview and tell them I was definitely interested in the job. They said again that they still had more interviews until Thursday, but it was looking good for me and that I had interviewed very well. That last bit was surprising since I’m really not a very comfortable speaker. I guess maybe a lot of my enthusiasm showed through, though. It still made me nervous wondering how many other people they were interviewing and if they were better qualified than me. Pretty much all the people from my school already had jobs, so whoever was being interviewed probably had more experience than me.
Then the program manager called me mid-Thursday to let me know I got the job. Yay! :D It felt good to know I had actually earned the position rather than just getting it through default. I told them, yes, I was definitely accepting and decided to set up the Orientation date for October 10th. They would have loved for me to start yesterday, but they were willing to wait for me. I was actually thinking about starting in late September since my medical insurance won’t kick in until the first of the month after I start working, so not until November 1st if I start at the beginning of October. But I just really need the extra time to study for my exam, which it looks like I’ll have to take at the end of October, or maybe even early November, to make sure I have enough time to prepare for it. I really wanted to pass it before I started work, but oh well. I just have to pray I don’t fail it and have to tell the people at work I can’t come in again until I take it again and pass. I was also worried that I’d have to cancel the chakra balancing clinical class that I’d signed up for because it goes from 4:30 pm - 9 pm on Thursdays up until the end of October, and my work hours are from 8:30 am - 5 pm. The program manager said it was fine if I took off an hour early the two Thursday that overlapped with my work schedule, though. Yay again!
The hard part was calling my friend at the outpatient clinic and letting her know that I’d decided not to take the job there. She told me she completely understood, though. And then a few weeks ago, she told me that she had actually gotten another physical therapist friend of hers to take the position. Her other friend has about 20 years experience and actually set up a chronic pain physical therapy program at another physician run clinic, but she was also the only therapist working there and very lonely in a one room treatment center. So she’ll fit in perfectly at this new job with her past experience and everything. And she’ll also be around more people, which weren’t enough people for me, but will be an improvement for her. I’m so glad they found someone to replace the other therapist who was leaving. I would have felt really bad if they were stuck without anyone. And my friend told me that I’d always still be welcome there if I changed my mind in a few years. I told her I would definitely keep it in mind and there was a good chance I’d might want to work there once I had a little experience under my belt.
So yay! Everything worked out very nicely. Now all I need to do is pass my exam, and then I can hopefully relax a little.
Fear of Failure (original entry)
Another funny thing is back on Wednesday July 27th, I think. I had stopped by my old house because I just needed to get away from home and be alone for a while. I was hoping to have some quiet time to myself and maybe climb Yoda. (This was before I fell out of the tree.) But then as soon as I parked in the driveway, the guy who was buying our house drove up to drop off some stuff. We both got out of our cars, and he said, “I finally have you figured out.” I just stared at him confused. Then he continued, “You’re like me, you’re afraid to get a job because you’re afraid of failing.” It wasn’t the first thing that would have come to my mind, but I didn’t deny it. In fact, there’s a lot of truth to it, although a big part of why I’m dragging my feet over getting a job is because I want to pass the licensure exam first. And that, I’m definitely afraid of failing. People keep brushing it off saying, “You’ll do fine.” But no, I won’t. Not without a heck of a lot of studying. And this isn’t just my obsessive need for perfection and over preparing for things. This is me being severely deficient in the knowledge I’m supposed to have to the point where I still need to review basic anatomy, muscle testing, and range of motion. And people don’t seem to get that. But back to the fear of failing…
Thinking about it some more, that has been a major theme throughout my entire life. I’ve never really failed at anything. I think a friend even joked with me once that I don’t even know how to fail. And while it’s driven me forwards in many cases with stubborn determination, it’s also often held me back. It’s kept me from taking a lot of chances. It’s kept me from making mistakes I could have possibly learned from. It’s kept me from taking risks and growing from them. You can only go so far if you only travel the safe path. My entire life has been planned out, always moving from one safe step to the next.
That doesn’t mean I never take on challenges, but if I do, they tend to only be ones I know I’ll ultimately accomplish even if through nothing more than sheer determination. Once I’ve begun something, I stick with it until I either succeed, or destroy myself trying. Learning how to scuba dive and how to do my barani back on DMT come to mind. With scuba, you know it had to be bad when my primary motivating mantra was to tell myself that if I drowned, there were plenty of CPR certified people around to rescue me. One of my greatest fears is not being able to breathe, and I figured scuba would be fine because we’d get air tanks. But no. First we had to pass a test where we had to swim to the bottom of the deep end of the pool, then sit on the bottom while we put on our fins, snorkel, and goggles. Then clear out the water from our goggles (while under water, yes, it is possible), then finally swim up to the surface and still have enough air to blow the water out of the snorkel without taking our head out of the water. I can honestly say that was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do in my entire life.
First of all, it was terrifying enough for me to actually force myself swim to the bottom of the pool. Then, I also had a bit more fat content that most of my friends. So while they could just sit on the pool bottom, I’d be bobbing around, fighting to stay still and remain near the floor. Then, I’d have to actually find all my equipment without my goggles on, then actually put the goggles on and use my precious air to clear the water out. Then the flippers were hard enough to put on while on dry land, let alone under water. And sometimes I’d be floating around in all directions trying to put them on. And all this stuff takes time. So I’d maybe get the goggles on, and then I’d be floating all around trying to get a flipper on and it would just not cooperate, and I’d panic about running out of air and swim up to the surface. And then I’d have to do it all over again, each time getting more and more exhausted and overwhelmed. It was near torture. I would seriously cling to the wall, close to tears, at every class, trying to get up the nerve to go down again and telling myself that I was only taking this class for fun and I should just quit since it was anything but fun.
But since failing wasn’t an option, I stuck with it. I even went to extra night classes in addition to my early morning regular classes in order to keep working on it. I eventually caught a cold from lack of sleep and too much time in the cold water, which of course made breathing even more difficult and the thought of running out of air even more terrifying. Really not a happy time for me. But I refused to fail, so I eventually finally passed the test, even if I was the very last person in the entire class to do it, and it was the last possible day to do it before I would be forced to drop the class. The elation I felt at succeeding and conquering my fear more than made up for it, though.
(updated)
And while all of this was happening, I was also struggling to learn how to do a barni back on the double mini trampoline (DMT) for my gymnastics troupe so I could get into the DMT act. I had all the other necessary skills except for the barani back where I had to run up, jump onto the first slanted portion of the DMT, do a front flip half twist onto the second half so that I would land facing backwards, then bounce up and back flip off unto a low mat. On the regular trampoline, I had absolutely no trouble with these skills. But something about doing the skills from a run on a narrow trampoline bed and having to actually move up and forwards at the same time with my flips, just really threw me off.
I had the physical ability to do the skill, but I would run up to the trampoline and be so anxious about making the flip that I’d throw it too early without taking the time to ride the bed and get more height and then I’d either throw the back flip from almost a complete kill bounce, or cop out of it all together and just allow myself to fly backwards off the trampoline unto the mat. What was really dangerous was when I would start to go for the flip and then freak out and change my mind mid flip while I was hanging upside down in the air. Really not a good idea since that’s an excellent way to break your neck.
I, of course, was determined to get the skill and thought I could solve the problem with extra practice sessions. So I would come to practice (which was already over two hours long) a half hour to hour early, and then be the last one to leave. I was pretty much destroying myself emotionally and physically over that skill. I was near tears every practice session from pain and frustration, not to mention that the skill was absolutely terrifying for me, particularly the back flip portion. I hyperextended my back doing a different front flip skill off of the DMT and the constant practice only aggravated the condition, sometimes sending shooting pains all the way down the back of my thigh. My shin splints were so bad from the repetitive running mount that I could barely walk and even the gentle tai chi I was learning in another class was almost too painful to handle. I’d leave practice every day with multiple ice bags strapped to my shins and lower back in hopes of reducing some of the inflammation. All of that, and my trampoline routine was also suffering from all the time I was putting into practicing DMT. Then I pulled both my quad and my hamstring in the same leg. I was an emotional wreck because I knew I could do it if I just practiced harder, but I couldn’t practice harder because my body was just too destroyed to even be physically capable of doing so. The coaches finally refused to let me come to any more extra practice sessions, even to make up regular practice sessions that I’d missed.
Ultimately, it wasn’t extra practice sessions that helped me accomplish my goal, but rather a change of mindset. The forced rest imposed by my coaches allowed my body to heal a little and I’d realized that all the extra practice had done nothing but make the skill more difficult because of how utterly physically exhausted I was. And I also realized that the only thing really holding me back from doing the skill was my fear of it. I was going into the skill each time with doubt and fear of failure in my mind. As soon as I realized that, I applied Yoda’s quote, “Do, or do not. There is no try.” to my mind set. Instead of trying with the thought of the possibility of failure in my mind. I made the conscious decision to just do it. I was perfectly capable of doing the skill, so I would just do it. And it worked!
When I first started writing this entry, this whole fear of failure tangent was originally about my worry that I would avoid the outpatient job and miss out on a good learning opportunity and chance to become a better therapist, just because I was afraid of failing at it. But since I now know in my heart that working at the hospital is the right choice for me, I’ve realized while writing this that my focus should return to Yoda’s “Do or do not. There is no try.” lesson in relation to my fear about failing my licensure examination. That’ll be my new mantra as I study. ;)
More updates to come…
--Moonshadow
P.S. Speaking of jobs, it’s my sister’s first day of school today! Not as a student, but as the teacher of a room full of third graders! Please wish her lots of luck. I’m so excited for her! :D
I actually wrote a large portion of this entry way back at the beginning of August, but never ended up posting it. So I’m just keeping it and adding in all the current updates now.
Job Options and Opportunities (original entry)
I met with my friend from school Saturday July 30th to get back the study guide I’d loaned her for the licensure exam. She told me that there were still job opportunities at the hospital where she and another friend of mine from school are currently working. In fact, there’s a job in inpatient ortho rehab which is exactly where I’d like to work. The problem is, the reason the job’s open is because the current person working there gave their 3 weeks notice, so they need someone to work soon, and I won’t really be ready until October. Also, with that person leaving, it means that the only physical therapists working in that particular department would be me and my friend, so there would be no really experienced therapist there. Just us two new grads. And one of the main reasons I wanted to go into the hospital setting was because there would be more therapists around for support. Also, the time off wouldn’t be as flexible, so I don’t know if it would still be possible for me to go to the Barbara Brennan School of Healing. They also only give about $500 for continuing education classes, which isn’t much considering the classes I want to take cost a couple thousand. And they also don’t give a lot of time off for the classes, so I’d probably have to take personal time. The medical benefits would be better at least, though. And people only have to work two holidays, and it’s a Jewish hospital, so it would be a lot easier for me to work Christmas and get off for the High Holy Days.
I’ve heard so many good things about the hospital from my friend, though, that I’d definitely like to at least apply there and see for myself. It’s also the closest one to home and not too far into the city. I don’t even know if I’ll bother applying to any other hospitals, but I’ll see. I was planning to fill out the online application on Monday, but still haven’t gotten around to it. I’ll have to definitely do that Friday morning no matter what.
Then on Tuesday August 2nd at my chakra balancing class, my friend who introduced me to the rehab and pain clinic where I interviewed at previously gave me some news. It ends up that the one and only physical therapist working at the Owings Mills clinic where I was planning to work just gave his two months notice. He had just gone on vacation to Kentucky the week before and then decided he wanted to move back there to be closer to his family. So while that means that the clinic will be REALLY desperate to hire a physical therapist, I’ll really be flying solo. And unlike the inpatient ortho rehab which I feel I can handle, I’ll be alone and completely out of my element at the pain clinic. There will still be some very experienced, highly knowledgable physical therapy assistants there, including my friend. But although they may be able to help me with treatments and getting used to the office, I’ll be on my own for evaluations. I was nervous before about just the clinic itself, but the thought of being thrown in the deep end without even knowing how to swim and no life guards on duty is a bit much.
So, on one hand I can choose the job in the setting I feel comfortable in with friends at my side, but limited access to continuing education and furthering my path in energy and other types of healing. Or, on the other hand I can choose the job where I dive into the unknown, but have complete access to everything I need to follow my dreams, and just pray I don’t get completely lost and overwhelmed along the way. I just really don’t know. I’m probably jumping ahead of myself, though. The hospital needs someone NOW, so they may not be able to wait until I can work in October. Then again, there’s such a shortage of therapists, they might not be able to find anyone anyway. And with the other clinic, they may send one of the people from the other office over to help me and hopefully won’t leave me running the place solo. I guess I’ll submit the application and interview at the hospital and see what my heart tells me to do.
Hospital Application and Interview (updated)
Well, I finally submitted my application by nearly midnight Friday August 5th. Then first thing Monday morning on my way to meet Cathradan, I got a call from the hospital asking me to set up an interview. Talk about a fast response! I set up an interview for Friday August 12th where I got a tour of the physical therapy department and some of the hospital, then interviewed with the Program Manager, the head PT of the ortho rehab department, and the head of another department. It was a bit intimidating, but they were all fairly laid back and I answered most of the questions without too much trouble, even though I definitely didn’t feel I’d prepared myself as much as I should have. After that, I went to meet the HR person and had another semi-interview with her. That one flowed so easily, it didn’t even seem like an interview at all, though. Then I headed back up to the PT department and hung out with the friend who introduced me to the job for about an hour while I observed her treating a patient and asked her questions about the job and hospital in general. Then they had an in-service on spasticity management and intrathecal baclofen therapy which was very interesting, along with a free lunch which I also attended. I talked to the program manager one more time before I left to ask her a few questions about what kind of stuff I’d need to take care of before starting like CPR re-certification and orientation dates. She said she had a few more interviews to get through until next Thursday and she’d let me know then if I got the job or not, but it was looking good for me. That still made me a bit nervous, though, since I didn’t except there to be much competition for the job since PT’s are in such a shortage right now.
Weight off my Shoulders (updated)
Even though I was nervous with waiting to hear if I’d gotten the job or not, going to the interview was such an incredible weight off my shoulders. Before going, I was really torn about what job I wanted and was plagued with anxiety about making the right decision. If you haven’t noticed the theme in my journal entries, I cannot stand being torn between making a decision! That little in between spot of not knowing which way to go is absolute torture for me! As soon as I went to the hospital, though, I knew that was where I wanted to be. I needed the large group environment of having lots of peers, especially ones around my own age as opposed to the relative isolation of the out patient pain clinic. I also wanted a good support group and the hospital not only had a lot of peers to turn to for advice, but also an official mentoring program.
I would get better medical benefits, a very generous salary, 8 holidays (only two of which I have to work), 10 vacation days, and 12 paid time off days. So totaling 30 days off. I also have to work one weekend a month, but I get flex time in return. So I could work the weekend before a Gathering and then ask for the Friday of the Gathering off without actually needing to use up a vacation day. I also asked about the continuing education opportunities, and although they only give $500 per year as opposed to the almost unlimited funds of the outpatient clinic, they may still pay for certain certification courses that they want their therapists to be qualified to create programs at the hospital for. I’m hoping that included lymphedema massage, even though they already paid for another therapist’s certification in that. Also, they offer $2,500 tuition reimbursement for non-nursing courses for employees seeking a second degree. I’m hoping that may include the Barbara Brennan School of Healing since they offer a Bachelor’s degree. And they also offer limited administrative leave for certain courses, so I’ll have to see what t they’ll allow in terms of the courses I want to take. In addition to all of that, they always have learning opportunities available at the hospital such as courses for employees and regular in-service opportunities. I also found out the doctor in charge of a new chronic pain group they’re starting up is an acupuncturist. So I’m hoping he’ll be more open to alternative medicine and maybe even let me do some energy healing on some of the chronic pain patients.
I won’t get to practice as much energy healing as I would have if I went to the outpatient clinic, but with the outpatient clinic, I was also concerned about unethical billing. From what I heard they were putting in charges for physical therapy treatments like neuro re-education, even though the only treatment performed was energy healing, which doesn’t have a PT treatment code and wouldn’t be accepted by any insurance companies that I know of. I just don’t think I’d fee right doing that. Not to mention they could have to face some severe legal consequences if anyone found out about it. Other than a few of the people working there, like my friend, I just got a very closed, isolated, unorganized feeling from the outpatient clinic in general.
Job Offer (updated)
I called the hospital on Monday to thank them for the interview and tell them I was definitely interested in the job. They said again that they still had more interviews until Thursday, but it was looking good for me and that I had interviewed very well. That last bit was surprising since I’m really not a very comfortable speaker. I guess maybe a lot of my enthusiasm showed through, though. It still made me nervous wondering how many other people they were interviewing and if they were better qualified than me. Pretty much all the people from my school already had jobs, so whoever was being interviewed probably had more experience than me.
Then the program manager called me mid-Thursday to let me know I got the job. Yay! :D It felt good to know I had actually earned the position rather than just getting it through default. I told them, yes, I was definitely accepting and decided to set up the Orientation date for October 10th. They would have loved for me to start yesterday, but they were willing to wait for me. I was actually thinking about starting in late September since my medical insurance won’t kick in until the first of the month after I start working, so not until November 1st if I start at the beginning of October. But I just really need the extra time to study for my exam, which it looks like I’ll have to take at the end of October, or maybe even early November, to make sure I have enough time to prepare for it. I really wanted to pass it before I started work, but oh well. I just have to pray I don’t fail it and have to tell the people at work I can’t come in again until I take it again and pass. I was also worried that I’d have to cancel the chakra balancing clinical class that I’d signed up for because it goes from 4:30 pm - 9 pm on Thursdays up until the end of October, and my work hours are from 8:30 am - 5 pm. The program manager said it was fine if I took off an hour early the two Thursday that overlapped with my work schedule, though. Yay again!
The hard part was calling my friend at the outpatient clinic and letting her know that I’d decided not to take the job there. She told me she completely understood, though. And then a few weeks ago, she told me that she had actually gotten another physical therapist friend of hers to take the position. Her other friend has about 20 years experience and actually set up a chronic pain physical therapy program at another physician run clinic, but she was also the only therapist working there and very lonely in a one room treatment center. So she’ll fit in perfectly at this new job with her past experience and everything. And she’ll also be around more people, which weren’t enough people for me, but will be an improvement for her. I’m so glad they found someone to replace the other therapist who was leaving. I would have felt really bad if they were stuck without anyone. And my friend told me that I’d always still be welcome there if I changed my mind in a few years. I told her I would definitely keep it in mind and there was a good chance I’d might want to work there once I had a little experience under my belt.
So yay! Everything worked out very nicely. Now all I need to do is pass my exam, and then I can hopefully relax a little.
Fear of Failure (original entry)
Another funny thing is back on Wednesday July 27th, I think. I had stopped by my old house because I just needed to get away from home and be alone for a while. I was hoping to have some quiet time to myself and maybe climb Yoda. (This was before I fell out of the tree.) But then as soon as I parked in the driveway, the guy who was buying our house drove up to drop off some stuff. We both got out of our cars, and he said, “I finally have you figured out.” I just stared at him confused. Then he continued, “You’re like me, you’re afraid to get a job because you’re afraid of failing.” It wasn’t the first thing that would have come to my mind, but I didn’t deny it. In fact, there’s a lot of truth to it, although a big part of why I’m dragging my feet over getting a job is because I want to pass the licensure exam first. And that, I’m definitely afraid of failing. People keep brushing it off saying, “You’ll do fine.” But no, I won’t. Not without a heck of a lot of studying. And this isn’t just my obsessive need for perfection and over preparing for things. This is me being severely deficient in the knowledge I’m supposed to have to the point where I still need to review basic anatomy, muscle testing, and range of motion. And people don’t seem to get that. But back to the fear of failing…
Thinking about it some more, that has been a major theme throughout my entire life. I’ve never really failed at anything. I think a friend even joked with me once that I don’t even know how to fail. And while it’s driven me forwards in many cases with stubborn determination, it’s also often held me back. It’s kept me from taking a lot of chances. It’s kept me from making mistakes I could have possibly learned from. It’s kept me from taking risks and growing from them. You can only go so far if you only travel the safe path. My entire life has been planned out, always moving from one safe step to the next.
That doesn’t mean I never take on challenges, but if I do, they tend to only be ones I know I’ll ultimately accomplish even if through nothing more than sheer determination. Once I’ve begun something, I stick with it until I either succeed, or destroy myself trying. Learning how to scuba dive and how to do my barani back on DMT come to mind. With scuba, you know it had to be bad when my primary motivating mantra was to tell myself that if I drowned, there were plenty of CPR certified people around to rescue me. One of my greatest fears is not being able to breathe, and I figured scuba would be fine because we’d get air tanks. But no. First we had to pass a test where we had to swim to the bottom of the deep end of the pool, then sit on the bottom while we put on our fins, snorkel, and goggles. Then clear out the water from our goggles (while under water, yes, it is possible), then finally swim up to the surface and still have enough air to blow the water out of the snorkel without taking our head out of the water. I can honestly say that was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do in my entire life.
First of all, it was terrifying enough for me to actually force myself swim to the bottom of the pool. Then, I also had a bit more fat content that most of my friends. So while they could just sit on the pool bottom, I’d be bobbing around, fighting to stay still and remain near the floor. Then, I’d have to actually find all my equipment without my goggles on, then actually put the goggles on and use my precious air to clear the water out. Then the flippers were hard enough to put on while on dry land, let alone under water. And sometimes I’d be floating around in all directions trying to put them on. And all this stuff takes time. So I’d maybe get the goggles on, and then I’d be floating all around trying to get a flipper on and it would just not cooperate, and I’d panic about running out of air and swim up to the surface. And then I’d have to do it all over again, each time getting more and more exhausted and overwhelmed. It was near torture. I would seriously cling to the wall, close to tears, at every class, trying to get up the nerve to go down again and telling myself that I was only taking this class for fun and I should just quit since it was anything but fun.
But since failing wasn’t an option, I stuck with it. I even went to extra night classes in addition to my early morning regular classes in order to keep working on it. I eventually caught a cold from lack of sleep and too much time in the cold water, which of course made breathing even more difficult and the thought of running out of air even more terrifying. Really not a happy time for me. But I refused to fail, so I eventually finally passed the test, even if I was the very last person in the entire class to do it, and it was the last possible day to do it before I would be forced to drop the class. The elation I felt at succeeding and conquering my fear more than made up for it, though.
(updated)
And while all of this was happening, I was also struggling to learn how to do a barni back on the double mini trampoline (DMT) for my gymnastics troupe so I could get into the DMT act. I had all the other necessary skills except for the barani back where I had to run up, jump onto the first slanted portion of the DMT, do a front flip half twist onto the second half so that I would land facing backwards, then bounce up and back flip off unto a low mat. On the regular trampoline, I had absolutely no trouble with these skills. But something about doing the skills from a run on a narrow trampoline bed and having to actually move up and forwards at the same time with my flips, just really threw me off.
I had the physical ability to do the skill, but I would run up to the trampoline and be so anxious about making the flip that I’d throw it too early without taking the time to ride the bed and get more height and then I’d either throw the back flip from almost a complete kill bounce, or cop out of it all together and just allow myself to fly backwards off the trampoline unto the mat. What was really dangerous was when I would start to go for the flip and then freak out and change my mind mid flip while I was hanging upside down in the air. Really not a good idea since that’s an excellent way to break your neck.
I, of course, was determined to get the skill and thought I could solve the problem with extra practice sessions. So I would come to practice (which was already over two hours long) a half hour to hour early, and then be the last one to leave. I was pretty much destroying myself emotionally and physically over that skill. I was near tears every practice session from pain and frustration, not to mention that the skill was absolutely terrifying for me, particularly the back flip portion. I hyperextended my back doing a different front flip skill off of the DMT and the constant practice only aggravated the condition, sometimes sending shooting pains all the way down the back of my thigh. My shin splints were so bad from the repetitive running mount that I could barely walk and even the gentle tai chi I was learning in another class was almost too painful to handle. I’d leave practice every day with multiple ice bags strapped to my shins and lower back in hopes of reducing some of the inflammation. All of that, and my trampoline routine was also suffering from all the time I was putting into practicing DMT. Then I pulled both my quad and my hamstring in the same leg. I was an emotional wreck because I knew I could do it if I just practiced harder, but I couldn’t practice harder because my body was just too destroyed to even be physically capable of doing so. The coaches finally refused to let me come to any more extra practice sessions, even to make up regular practice sessions that I’d missed.
Ultimately, it wasn’t extra practice sessions that helped me accomplish my goal, but rather a change of mindset. The forced rest imposed by my coaches allowed my body to heal a little and I’d realized that all the extra practice had done nothing but make the skill more difficult because of how utterly physically exhausted I was. And I also realized that the only thing really holding me back from doing the skill was my fear of it. I was going into the skill each time with doubt and fear of failure in my mind. As soon as I realized that, I applied Yoda’s quote, “Do, or do not. There is no try.” to my mind set. Instead of trying with the thought of the possibility of failure in my mind. I made the conscious decision to just do it. I was perfectly capable of doing the skill, so I would just do it. And it worked!
When I first started writing this entry, this whole fear of failure tangent was originally about my worry that I would avoid the outpatient job and miss out on a good learning opportunity and chance to become a better therapist, just because I was afraid of failing at it. But since I now know in my heart that working at the hospital is the right choice for me, I’ve realized while writing this that my focus should return to Yoda’s “Do or do not. There is no try.” lesson in relation to my fear about failing my licensure examination. That’ll be my new mantra as I study. ;)
More updates to come…
--Moonshadow
P.S. Speaking of jobs, it’s my sister’s first day of school today! Not as a student, but as the teacher of a room full of third graders! Please wish her lots of luck. I’m so excited for her! :D