Wow...
So, two weekends ago, I was supposed to sing in a chorus concert. I had a cough, and I also had to finish my honors thesis and that friday and saturday were gonna be lost if I did the concert. So I e-mailed the girl in charge of attendence, didn't do the concert. I thought this was a really good thing, because I was actually doing something good for myself. Avoiding setting myself up for being over-stressed and pulling all-nighters, which would have been disastrous in terms of the e.d.
Well anyways...today at chorus rehearsal the director pulled me aside, and with the entire chorus watching, yelled at me, quite harshly. Of course I start crying, explained to him what my reasons were, he keeps yelling, storms away, etc. So there I am standing by myself amongst the pews in the middle of the chapel where we rehearse with the entire chorus about 100 feet away warming up, and then it starts...I start hyperventilating. Wind sitting on the floor, gasping for air, crying, finally go up with the rest of the chorus and sit in back, still hyperventilating quite loudly. So a friend of mine takes me in the basement to talk/ try to calm down. (of course there were guys from glee club down there, how lovely for me to be making a scene). I was freaking out, lost feeling in my hands, then lost feeling basically all over, I was all tingly and still gasping. Finally get somewhat of a grip and go sit in back and cry quiety through the rest of rehearsal. Leave at the end.
I would assume the director owes me something of an apology? Of course it won't happen. I have never been so overcome like that, I literally could not breathe...I don't think he realizes the full brunt of what he said. I was doing something good for myself FINALLY. I finally said "no" to something and put my own health and sanity first. I finally realized I was not superhuman and could not rehearse all weekend and finish my thesis at the same time. I have a REALLY hard time saying no to anyone, I aim to please everyone, I need everyone's approval, and that's hard enough...it's even harder for me to say no to something for the sole purpose of maintaining my recovery. So when he yelled at me, I was just so incredibly crushed. I mean, you'd think once I was on the floor he would have maybe said something? I love singing with the chorus, I hate that the past two years I was unable to really be "there" 100% because my mind was such a mess. So this year I've been putting in so much effort, making sure to sit in front so I pay more attention, going over music at home...way better than the past two years, and NOW I get yelled at. And this is one of the professors I really liked. I even tried e-mailing him several times the past three years when things were going downhill because I wanted to talk, and I thought I could confide in him, for example, right before I had to leave school to get treatment two years ago...of course I never got to talk to him...but just the fact that I really felt like I would have been able to confide in him, makes his yelling at me all the more hurtful. I don't want to drop out of chorus and the a capella group...that would mean I'd be all by myself all the time in my apartment, I can't stand that thought. I mean, that's why I decided to do chorus and a capella this year, so I could have time to do something I loved doing with people I like. Now I just feel so alone, and of course EVERYONE saw this happen, and I don't know what to do now. I hate feeling like a lazy fat pig for taking care of myself. Of course that ed voice is saying "fatass, you fucked it all up just so you could fucking keep to your recovery, just so you could fucking eat, you stupid fat lazy piece of shit." This is not a fun way to feel. I just want someone here right now to talk to, and I just feel so alone and so...wretched.
Well anyways...today at chorus rehearsal the director pulled me aside, and with the entire chorus watching, yelled at me, quite harshly. Of course I start crying, explained to him what my reasons were, he keeps yelling, storms away, etc. So there I am standing by myself amongst the pews in the middle of the chapel where we rehearse with the entire chorus about 100 feet away warming up, and then it starts...I start hyperventilating. Wind sitting on the floor, gasping for air, crying, finally go up with the rest of the chorus and sit in back, still hyperventilating quite loudly. So a friend of mine takes me in the basement to talk/ try to calm down. (of course there were guys from glee club down there, how lovely for me to be making a scene). I was freaking out, lost feeling in my hands, then lost feeling basically all over, I was all tingly and still gasping. Finally get somewhat of a grip and go sit in back and cry quiety through the rest of rehearsal. Leave at the end.
I would assume the director owes me something of an apology? Of course it won't happen. I have never been so overcome like that, I literally could not breathe...I don't think he realizes the full brunt of what he said. I was doing something good for myself FINALLY. I finally said "no" to something and put my own health and sanity first. I finally realized I was not superhuman and could not rehearse all weekend and finish my thesis at the same time. I have a REALLY hard time saying no to anyone, I aim to please everyone, I need everyone's approval, and that's hard enough...it's even harder for me to say no to something for the sole purpose of maintaining my recovery. So when he yelled at me, I was just so incredibly crushed. I mean, you'd think once I was on the floor he would have maybe said something? I love singing with the chorus, I hate that the past two years I was unable to really be "there" 100% because my mind was such a mess. So this year I've been putting in so much effort, making sure to sit in front so I pay more attention, going over music at home...way better than the past two years, and NOW I get yelled at. And this is one of the professors I really liked. I even tried e-mailing him several times the past three years when things were going downhill because I wanted to talk, and I thought I could confide in him, for example, right before I had to leave school to get treatment two years ago...of course I never got to talk to him...but just the fact that I really felt like I would have been able to confide in him, makes his yelling at me all the more hurtful. I don't want to drop out of chorus and the a capella group...that would mean I'd be all by myself all the time in my apartment, I can't stand that thought. I mean, that's why I decided to do chorus and a capella this year, so I could have time to do something I loved doing with people I like. Now I just feel so alone, and of course EVERYONE saw this happen, and I don't know what to do now. I hate feeling like a lazy fat pig for taking care of myself. Of course that ed voice is saying "fatass, you fucked it all up just so you could fucking keep to your recovery, just so you could fucking eat, you stupid fat lazy piece of shit." This is not a fun way to feel. I just want someone here right now to talk to, and I just feel so alone and so...wretched.