Helpless

[moonserenity999]

I dont know what to do, i feel so worthless at times especially right now. i have been trying to write my english paper for the last two weeks but i cant write anything. nothing is coming to me and i have read the book twice not to mention the "cliff notes" at least three times. i just don't understand what is wrong with me. so what do i do, i end up doing what i did in high school if i didn't have the assignment i wouldn't go to class (didn't go to class Tuesday) not to mention it is due today (if you want to be technical). then i feel guilty for not going and feel like i am letting my family and myself down and its a downward spiral from there. for the people who truly know me, knows what is going on in my head. i dont want to do school anymore right now, i am so burnt out that i can't think anymore and i am always stressed, granted it is my fault for taking 17 units but i didn't think it would wipe me like its doing and the sad thing is that it is really only english that is doing this to me. another thing i feel bad about is that it bothers me that the only time i hear from or see my friend (the one who i have been friends with for like 16 years) is when she needs or wants something and then i feel guilty for getting upset by it. she came in today with her boyfriend to get biz cards and a sign, this is the first time i have seen her since the end of january, and of course they wanted a discount or it for free, which normally that wouldn't bother me like i said, but it is just frustrating when i feel like this. and i know she isnt doing this intentionally. oh i also haven't heard from the courts and when i call the court to see about my ticket [for you who dont know i got a ticket for running a stop sign (which is bullshit cause i didn't run it {others times i have ran stop signs but this time i didn't})] they say they have no record of it yet. so this means i have to go to my court date and miss work, pay my ticket and hopefully they will allow me to do traffic school so my insurance doesnt sky rocket. oh and i got this ticket on february 28 and they still have nothing on it my court date is april 11. oh god and speaking of work i dont remember being this pessimistic and mean until i started working at kinkos, i am almost at my wits end and the sad part is that i cant quit. i dont think i can find a job that will pay me $10 an hour full time and still work around my schedule. i hate complaining about my work, i am completely miserable there. not only is it because of one of my coworkers (which i told her straight in her face that i dont like her and to not talk to me unless it is work related, yet she is still trying so i repeat myself everyday that i dont like her and dont talk to me) and for those of you who know me i dont normally do that but she pushed me way too far and i snapped (there was alot of yelling). the really sad part is i enjoy the actual work i do (working the machines and all). oh man this turned into a really long rant, but to add one more thing i also feel bad for complaining about all this trivial shit when my friend ashleigh is going through a much worse time then me. i just dont know what to do anymore, i always feel like crying and i am extremely lonely even though i try to tell myself im not. *sigh* sorry this turned into a long ass rant. i guess i again had alot of shit to unload.

well until next time
(which will probably be my next breakdown)

~Angel~

P.S.
For those of you who live in the area the Renaissance faire is this weekend and next weekend, come and see me there (i work it) and have fun, you can sword fight, shoot arrows, watch shows, and play with the fairies (that is if you are drunk enough to see them *wink-wink*) toodles.