back and better than ever?
hey... 'tis the season to be jolly! and i'm real, real sad at the moment. (my new adjective is 'real' instead of 'really'... i say it REAL weird and it sounds REAL not-like-me. i love it.) yeah, things have been going real badly lately, and i can't figure out why. so wrestling is real fun, much more fun than i ever thought it would be, and so i'm enjoying that. it makes me feel like i'm doing sometihng productive, when i'm sore at night. it proves that i'm "getting into shape" or whatever they may call it these days. but yeah, so wrestling's not the problem at all. but i guess it's how wrestling makes me feel. the whole story...
tuesday morning, as usual, he told us to pair off and practice something or the other (double-leg take downs, i believe)(wow, don't i have an extensive wrestling vocabulary?)(ha) and somehow i got paired with deby. so that's fine with me and everything, even though i've never wrestled her before i'm like what the heck? but then after we've started practicing she busts out with, "dude... you're SO not in my weight class."
a meaningless comment. it's a true comment. but it made me feel SO EXTREMELY ugly and fat, i can't even express it. yeah, i replied with "yeah, i know... heh heh heh" but inside i was like OH MY GOSH! YOU ARE SO RIGHT! HOW DID I GET THIS FAT? and i KNOW i'm not really FAT, so you guys don't need to reply telling me not to be anorexic... just hold it. the point i'm trying to make is that i used to be really skinny, and i had self-confidence because that was something about me that i didn't have to work for, and people were always complimenting it. it felt so good to get a compliment and not deserve it! but now i'm just getting bigger and bigger because i don't really care about what i eat anymore... i just eat and eat and eat. and i like it. it feels real good to just sit down and eat what i want to eat, when i want to eat it. but... it's catching up with me. and the sad thing is, i didn't even care until the deby-wrestling incident. i think she's like 105 to 109 or somewhere around there, and i'm currently 115. ONE FIFTEEN! less than a year ago i was 103. what in the heezy is going on? it's going to have to reverse, or i'll have to buy new clothes because mine might actually fit me! GRRR!
anyway... i guess i should get off that. it just annoys me, not that i weigh 115, but that i gained all that weight so quickly, and that people are now calling me "normal" instead of "skinny," which is a terrible thing to complain about I KNOW, I KNOW TIHS IS A STUPID VAIN ENTRY BUT I DON'T CARE AND IF YOU DON'T THINK I SHOULD TALK ABOUT THIS THEN PLEASE DON'T REPLY BECAUSE I DON'T NEED ANYONE INSULTING ME RIGHT NOW!
(sigh)
moving on... yeah. and Christmas is rapidly approaching and i have $20 to my name because i had to raise all this money for Close Up and the deposit i turned in a week or two ago... leaving me with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. and i have a loOoOoOong list of people i need to shop for (for whom i need to shop) and NO MONEY WITH WHICH TO DO IT! and if the AP money hadn't come in today, i wouldn't even have $20! (i had to use the other 80 to pay for the academic decathlon shirts, long story). speaking of aca deca, competition is saturday and then i'm going to the adam carroll concert! woob woob!
back to the present... yeah. and guys are a whole different story. i guess this goes along with the whole feeling-fat-thing, but i also feel like guys are just TOTALLY not liking me anymore. (that sentence didn't come out right.) i feel extremely unattractive and i know that, while at other times i've known that someone liked me and that, if i wanted to, so-and-so would totally want to date me... right now i know that nobody's interested. (please don't think of this as me being self-centered. i'm just trying to put all my thoughts on here and some of them ARE self-centered.)(grr on that) but yeah. and this is going to be the most jealous sounding thing EVER, but i'm crazy mad jealous of valerie. i know--jealousy is EVIL! AAH! but i really am. everyone's all like "ohmygosh val! your hair looks so cute blonde! the cut is so pretty! i love valerie!" and she had that wonderful, blissful albeit bittersweet love affair thing (hehe) with thomas, and now michael likes her, and i know someone else that likes her, and people keep talking about how hot she is when i'm around... and i'm like AAAAAHH! I'M PRETTY TOO! (lol now that was EXTREMELY self-centered. i think i'm a pro at this jerk thing.) but yeah. valerie is totally driving the bus in this area. go val! boo tracy! :)
furthermore, this weekend i became re-obsessed with THE X-FILES! i bet very few of you were around when i was obsessed with them in 6th through 9th grade, but yeah. i was crazy deep into it. and... now i'm back. but don't worry! i'm more mature this time! hehe. i guess... i guess x-files isn't something you can just shove under a rug for years and forget completely about the magic that lives in it. it's a show that has to be pulled out real often and swallowed whole, to get the full impact of it. ahh. sweet x-files!
anyway. so yeah. some things are wonderful right now... but the problem is me. i need to do something that makes me skinnier and thus makes me feel more like myself and more confident, and i need to stop being jealous of val (oh yeah! AND she gets to go on the freaking lakeside ski trip! how unfair is that?! my parents are freaking out about washington d.c.! and she gets to go to colorado AND new york! AAAAH!)(hey--what's christmas break without val?! what am i going to DO?!), and i need to... become someone else. man, tha'd be nice. then i wouldn't have to answer to all the stupid things i do. oh! and a special shout-out to the wonderful anton, who had his wisdom teeth removed! because i'm such a self-absorbed JERK, i didn't even have any idea he was having them taken out because i'm too busy for my friend any more! but i love anthony and he is extremely awesome and i miss him and we have to spend christmas break at each other's houses even though he'll probably go somewhere awesome with his dad. grr.
okay... must go now. much government to do. PEACE!
-tib
tuesday morning, as usual, he told us to pair off and practice something or the other (double-leg take downs, i believe)(wow, don't i have an extensive wrestling vocabulary?)(ha) and somehow i got paired with deby. so that's fine with me and everything, even though i've never wrestled her before i'm like what the heck? but then after we've started practicing she busts out with, "dude... you're SO not in my weight class."
a meaningless comment. it's a true comment. but it made me feel SO EXTREMELY ugly and fat, i can't even express it. yeah, i replied with "yeah, i know... heh heh heh" but inside i was like OH MY GOSH! YOU ARE SO RIGHT! HOW DID I GET THIS FAT? and i KNOW i'm not really FAT, so you guys don't need to reply telling me not to be anorexic... just hold it. the point i'm trying to make is that i used to be really skinny, and i had self-confidence because that was something about me that i didn't have to work for, and people were always complimenting it. it felt so good to get a compliment and not deserve it! but now i'm just getting bigger and bigger because i don't really care about what i eat anymore... i just eat and eat and eat. and i like it. it feels real good to just sit down and eat what i want to eat, when i want to eat it. but... it's catching up with me. and the sad thing is, i didn't even care until the deby-wrestling incident. i think she's like 105 to 109 or somewhere around there, and i'm currently 115. ONE FIFTEEN! less than a year ago i was 103. what in the heezy is going on? it's going to have to reverse, or i'll have to buy new clothes because mine might actually fit me! GRRR!
anyway... i guess i should get off that. it just annoys me, not that i weigh 115, but that i gained all that weight so quickly, and that people are now calling me "normal" instead of "skinny," which is a terrible thing to complain about I KNOW, I KNOW TIHS IS A STUPID VAIN ENTRY BUT I DON'T CARE AND IF YOU DON'T THINK I SHOULD TALK ABOUT THIS THEN PLEASE DON'T REPLY BECAUSE I DON'T NEED ANYONE INSULTING ME RIGHT NOW!
(sigh)
moving on... yeah. and Christmas is rapidly approaching and i have $20 to my name because i had to raise all this money for Close Up and the deposit i turned in a week or two ago... leaving me with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. and i have a loOoOoOong list of people i need to shop for (for whom i need to shop) and NO MONEY WITH WHICH TO DO IT! and if the AP money hadn't come in today, i wouldn't even have $20! (i had to use the other 80 to pay for the academic decathlon shirts, long story). speaking of aca deca, competition is saturday and then i'm going to the adam carroll concert! woob woob!
back to the present... yeah. and guys are a whole different story. i guess this goes along with the whole feeling-fat-thing, but i also feel like guys are just TOTALLY not liking me anymore. (that sentence didn't come out right.) i feel extremely unattractive and i know that, while at other times i've known that someone liked me and that, if i wanted to, so-and-so would totally want to date me... right now i know that nobody's interested. (please don't think of this as me being self-centered. i'm just trying to put all my thoughts on here and some of them ARE self-centered.)(grr on that) but yeah. and this is going to be the most jealous sounding thing EVER, but i'm crazy mad jealous of valerie. i know--jealousy is EVIL! AAH! but i really am. everyone's all like "ohmygosh val! your hair looks so cute blonde! the cut is so pretty! i love valerie!" and she had that wonderful, blissful albeit bittersweet love affair thing (hehe) with thomas, and now michael likes her, and i know someone else that likes her, and people keep talking about how hot she is when i'm around... and i'm like AAAAAHH! I'M PRETTY TOO! (lol now that was EXTREMELY self-centered. i think i'm a pro at this jerk thing.) but yeah. valerie is totally driving the bus in this area. go val! boo tracy! :)
furthermore, this weekend i became re-obsessed with THE X-FILES! i bet very few of you were around when i was obsessed with them in 6th through 9th grade, but yeah. i was crazy deep into it. and... now i'm back. but don't worry! i'm more mature this time! hehe. i guess... i guess x-files isn't something you can just shove under a rug for years and forget completely about the magic that lives in it. it's a show that has to be pulled out real often and swallowed whole, to get the full impact of it. ahh. sweet x-files!
anyway. so yeah. some things are wonderful right now... but the problem is me. i need to do something that makes me skinnier and thus makes me feel more like myself and more confident, and i need to stop being jealous of val (oh yeah! AND she gets to go on the freaking lakeside ski trip! how unfair is that?! my parents are freaking out about washington d.c.! and she gets to go to colorado AND new york! AAAAH!)(hey--what's christmas break without val?! what am i going to DO?!), and i need to... become someone else. man, tha'd be nice. then i wouldn't have to answer to all the stupid things i do. oh! and a special shout-out to the wonderful anton, who had his wisdom teeth removed! because i'm such a self-absorbed JERK, i didn't even have any idea he was having them taken out because i'm too busy for my friend any more! but i love anthony and he is extremely awesome and i miss him and we have to spend christmas break at each other's houses even though he'll probably go somewhere awesome with his dad. grr.
okay... must go now. much government to do. PEACE!
-tib