trying to wake up the metaphor
I feel like I'm waiting for my return to sink in. I feel as though I'm floating, not quite toutching any of the emotions loming around me, not sadness at having left or extreme excitment at being home or anxiousness to return to Iowa City. I feel complacent and satisfied. I know that just below the surface of where I am now is a whole range or reactions to my situation. But every time I begin to think about them, it's as though my mind has a safe guard, and just turns my thoughts away without allowing me to delve to deeply.
I feel like it's all been a dream, the entire last nine months. All I have to prove it are some cloths and sea shells adn a large amount of cuts on the bottoms of my feet from starfish hunting the night before I left. But I came home and everyone else has kept on the same, with the exception of my brothers growth. But even he hasn't changed in personality or much in experiences. I feel like everyone should have become new people, or had some kind of life changing experiences as I did and when I see them going on the same as before, that's the hardest thing to adjust to. But that's how life works, and I knew it would, and it's not negative that I say that they haven't changed it just is. I only feel like there is no one on any level that can relate to all of this. I don't know how to explain to them the feeling of sleeping through so much time and having such an elaborite dream.
And to imagine that that part of my life is over, that no matter what I would do I could never return to the Spain that I left, living in my house with Sabine and going through our daily rutine. It's so overwhelming that I can't feel sad for it. It's just simply not possible. It's not possible that so much life has just disapeared and now only exists in photos and my head.
Maybe someone set me up, and made up all of the photos adn gave me all of the clothing and I've actually been in a coma for the past 9 months but no one wanted me to know so they've installed this story in my head and now I have another existance that was actually just created by a computer and all those people and conversations and tastes and smells aren't real... I hope not.
I wish that I could bring myself to my sences, and just have the realization of where I am now, what I'm doing. At a coffee shop with my daddy on the 20th of June, 2007. In Lawrence, Kansas. It's hot outside and it's only going to get hotter. Tonight I'm going to make stuffed eggplant for my family that my host mother taught me to make. Tomorrow we're going to Kansas City to an art museum. In a few weeks I'll be back in Iowa City. I'll move in with Trevor and Nick and start working again. Maybe at some point durring all of this, I'll wake up.
I feel like it's all been a dream, the entire last nine months. All I have to prove it are some cloths and sea shells adn a large amount of cuts on the bottoms of my feet from starfish hunting the night before I left. But I came home and everyone else has kept on the same, with the exception of my brothers growth. But even he hasn't changed in personality or much in experiences. I feel like everyone should have become new people, or had some kind of life changing experiences as I did and when I see them going on the same as before, that's the hardest thing to adjust to. But that's how life works, and I knew it would, and it's not negative that I say that they haven't changed it just is. I only feel like there is no one on any level that can relate to all of this. I don't know how to explain to them the feeling of sleeping through so much time and having such an elaborite dream.
And to imagine that that part of my life is over, that no matter what I would do I could never return to the Spain that I left, living in my house with Sabine and going through our daily rutine. It's so overwhelming that I can't feel sad for it. It's just simply not possible. It's not possible that so much life has just disapeared and now only exists in photos and my head.
Maybe someone set me up, and made up all of the photos adn gave me all of the clothing and I've actually been in a coma for the past 9 months but no one wanted me to know so they've installed this story in my head and now I have another existance that was actually just created by a computer and all those people and conversations and tastes and smells aren't real... I hope not.
I wish that I could bring myself to my sences, and just have the realization of where I am now, what I'm doing. At a coffee shop with my daddy on the 20th of June, 2007. In Lawrence, Kansas. It's hot outside and it's only going to get hotter. Tonight I'm going to make stuffed eggplant for my family that my host mother taught me to make. Tomorrow we're going to Kansas City to an art museum. In a few weeks I'll be back in Iowa City. I'll move in with Trevor and Nick and start working again. Maybe at some point durring all of this, I'll wake up.