(no subject)
Bleh. I'm quite done with being icky. Almost there.... almost.
In other news: I got my hair did. Not exactly what I was going for... a little shorter than I was hoping for (we must have cut off three inches of dead ends.... all those months working to grow it out and now its back to where it started..... sigh). I have magenta streaks. yeah for color
I wrote the other day. Nothing special. Just venting out all the ancient negativity that my mind wants to go back to because it was once a plush source of creativity. The logical side of my mind was very reluctant to allow this excersice. Why feed the negativity? I think that's why I haven't been able to write either. Starving the ickiness. I don't WANT to write about anything involving such a negative period in my life anymore. I haven't for... well... god I can't even remember. But that's how long it's been since I've written anything new. It must have been at least a year or more. But I had a break through, despite the obvious trouble with getting everything out. I might have to have another writing excersice like that again to clear the rest out (due to the reluctant nature of my logical mind the actual document was rather stiff and felt a bit forced so not everything is out like it should be). But after this first stream of conciousness I actually had a VERY good memory. Nothing specific. Just a beautiful afternoon with the sun coming in and the quiet exchange of energy. And I wanted to write about it. It was difficult. I may try writing about it before I go to sleep. But I think my mind is still reluctant due to the inhabitants of the memory. It just doesn't want anything to do with that time frame, good or bad, it seems.
I thought about writing about my mom but I think that's another one my mind is like "Nope.. not worth it. Find another topic. Go!" My grandma called the other day, shortly after I denied Mom's girlfriend's friend request. She did her joking "You better call your grandma!!" but I'm very worried that part of the reason for the call is to talk to me about my mom. Keep in mind, this is the same woman that berated me in an email for hanging out with "the wrong crowd" and "those goth kids that are going no where and will drag me down with them" not even a month after a graduated and not too long after Liz graduated and several of my friends were climbing their way up the life ladder. VERY good hearted woman but she tends to listen to one side and assume it's complete truth without taking into consideration that there's another side to the story. And I just don't have the energy to deal with that right now. I don't want to explain to my grandma why I'm not on speaking terms with her daughter. She'll immediatly want to play peace maker and since she's a Leo (OH MY GOD IS SHE A LEO!) we'll have this epic battle trying to convince the other of our side and it'll probably end with all the I love yous that would come at the end of a normal conversation. Stupid Leo short term memory. (I'm actually really surprised I'm able to hold the few "grudges" I have for as long as I have. I'm notorious for forgetting why I'm mad. Spyder uses this to his advantage and it's annoying. I think the only reason I hold the anger I do for the few people I harbor anger towards now is because of their continued effort at renewing my memory with fresh fodder by making either no effort to rememdy the problem or taking an inconsiderate action or something to the like of aforementioned examples) FUCK WITH THE RUN ON SENTENCES AND HORRIBLE SPELLING/GRAMMER/SENTENCE STRUCTURE!! but I'm too lazy to fix so... yeah.
I had a scary thought once. My grandma is an August Leo. My mother is an August Virgo. I am an August Leo..... I'm going to have an August Virgo daughter 0_o It scared me so much that I actually took time out of work to write out conception dates to aim for and conception dates to stay the fuck away from! I marked them out in red lol!! If I could have an aquarius daughter or a Libra daughter I'd be just the happiest as could be! It'd be nice to have an Aquarius or Sag son too. I always get along with the male counter parts.... altho I realize I don't think I know any Sag women. I've really got to make more zodiac diverse friends. It's nearly all air and fire. Not that I'm complaining.
Of course Spyder (should we decide he is going to be the father of my children of course) will be bound and determined to get me knocked up with a water or earth sign ::shudder:: He's aiming for a pisces or virgo because he knows I'll sit there like "..............what do I say to you child?!" And is Pisces will stare off into space as if she didn't hear me and the Virgo will tell me how illogical I'm being.
Don't get me wrong, any child I bring into this world will be smothered with love from not only myself but from my family. It'd just mean a lot to me to have a child, specifically a daughter, that I click with really really well. I guess I kind of want to give her what I did not have myself. I want to show my own mother what she should have been and wasn't. I guess I want to live vicariously through my child and be my own mother o_0
................ Would I get along with a Leo daughter? Oh the fights!! but oh the gloriousness! I could start my own lion pride ^____^.............. so not having a leo. just... not. I know better. I can't live with another Leo. Not unless they were seriously balanced with a more calmer sign and, at least at this point in my studies, I'm just not patient enough to draw up some unborn child's chart, bring it to a doctor and say "Induce me during this time! I MUST have this child within this time frame, do you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!" Then I'd be known as the crazy astrology chick and i'm trying to move astrology AWAY from that image. And then there's always the fear of the child coming early and, given the signs I so despeartely want, I'll wind up with a capricorn or a virgo. The Capricorn I could manage so long as they have an air or fire rising.... the virgo....... ::Sigh:: I'm dating one. Even with the fire rising I have to restrain myself.... i think havint to date one is enough. And with my luck it'll be a Virgo Pisces and I'll be like "Not only can the two of us not hold a conversation to save our lives but I'm pretty sure she's making a list in her head of all the ways i'm a horrible mother and she's drawing up charts to show me later how inefficient I'm being at folding her clothes the correct way."
I go to write a stream of conciousness and the damn thing is dominated by the zodiac signs of my unconcieved children. hmmm.....
I'm going to go read.
In other news: I got my hair did. Not exactly what I was going for... a little shorter than I was hoping for (we must have cut off three inches of dead ends.... all those months working to grow it out and now its back to where it started..... sigh). I have magenta streaks. yeah for color
I wrote the other day. Nothing special. Just venting out all the ancient negativity that my mind wants to go back to because it was once a plush source of creativity. The logical side of my mind was very reluctant to allow this excersice. Why feed the negativity? I think that's why I haven't been able to write either. Starving the ickiness. I don't WANT to write about anything involving such a negative period in my life anymore. I haven't for... well... god I can't even remember. But that's how long it's been since I've written anything new. It must have been at least a year or more. But I had a break through, despite the obvious trouble with getting everything out. I might have to have another writing excersice like that again to clear the rest out (due to the reluctant nature of my logical mind the actual document was rather stiff and felt a bit forced so not everything is out like it should be). But after this first stream of conciousness I actually had a VERY good memory. Nothing specific. Just a beautiful afternoon with the sun coming in and the quiet exchange of energy. And I wanted to write about it. It was difficult. I may try writing about it before I go to sleep. But I think my mind is still reluctant due to the inhabitants of the memory. It just doesn't want anything to do with that time frame, good or bad, it seems.
I thought about writing about my mom but I think that's another one my mind is like "Nope.. not worth it. Find another topic. Go!" My grandma called the other day, shortly after I denied Mom's girlfriend's friend request. She did her joking "You better call your grandma!!" but I'm very worried that part of the reason for the call is to talk to me about my mom. Keep in mind, this is the same woman that berated me in an email for hanging out with "the wrong crowd" and "those goth kids that are going no where and will drag me down with them" not even a month after a graduated and not too long after Liz graduated and several of my friends were climbing their way up the life ladder. VERY good hearted woman but she tends to listen to one side and assume it's complete truth without taking into consideration that there's another side to the story. And I just don't have the energy to deal with that right now. I don't want to explain to my grandma why I'm not on speaking terms with her daughter. She'll immediatly want to play peace maker and since she's a Leo (OH MY GOD IS SHE A LEO!) we'll have this epic battle trying to convince the other of our side and it'll probably end with all the I love yous that would come at the end of a normal conversation. Stupid Leo short term memory. (I'm actually really surprised I'm able to hold the few "grudges" I have for as long as I have. I'm notorious for forgetting why I'm mad. Spyder uses this to his advantage and it's annoying. I think the only reason I hold the anger I do for the few people I harbor anger towards now is because of their continued effort at renewing my memory with fresh fodder by making either no effort to rememdy the problem or taking an inconsiderate action or something to the like of aforementioned examples) FUCK WITH THE RUN ON SENTENCES AND HORRIBLE SPELLING/GRAMMER/SENTENCE STRUCTURE!! but I'm too lazy to fix so... yeah.
I had a scary thought once. My grandma is an August Leo. My mother is an August Virgo. I am an August Leo..... I'm going to have an August Virgo daughter 0_o It scared me so much that I actually took time out of work to write out conception dates to aim for and conception dates to stay the fuck away from! I marked them out in red lol!! If I could have an aquarius daughter or a Libra daughter I'd be just the happiest as could be! It'd be nice to have an Aquarius or Sag son too. I always get along with the male counter parts.... altho I realize I don't think I know any Sag women. I've really got to make more zodiac diverse friends. It's nearly all air and fire. Not that I'm complaining.
Of course Spyder (should we decide he is going to be the father of my children of course) will be bound and determined to get me knocked up with a water or earth sign ::shudder:: He's aiming for a pisces or virgo because he knows I'll sit there like "..............what do I say to you child?!" And is Pisces will stare off into space as if she didn't hear me and the Virgo will tell me how illogical I'm being.
Don't get me wrong, any child I bring into this world will be smothered with love from not only myself but from my family. It'd just mean a lot to me to have a child, specifically a daughter, that I click with really really well. I guess I kind of want to give her what I did not have myself. I want to show my own mother what she should have been and wasn't. I guess I want to live vicariously through my child and be my own mother o_0
................ Would I get along with a Leo daughter? Oh the fights!! but oh the gloriousness! I could start my own lion pride ^____^.............. so not having a leo. just... not. I know better. I can't live with another Leo. Not unless they were seriously balanced with a more calmer sign and, at least at this point in my studies, I'm just not patient enough to draw up some unborn child's chart, bring it to a doctor and say "Induce me during this time! I MUST have this child within this time frame, do you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!" Then I'd be known as the crazy astrology chick and i'm trying to move astrology AWAY from that image. And then there's always the fear of the child coming early and, given the signs I so despeartely want, I'll wind up with a capricorn or a virgo. The Capricorn I could manage so long as they have an air or fire rising.... the virgo....... ::Sigh:: I'm dating one. Even with the fire rising I have to restrain myself.... i think havint to date one is enough. And with my luck it'll be a Virgo Pisces and I'll be like "Not only can the two of us not hold a conversation to save our lives but I'm pretty sure she's making a list in her head of all the ways i'm a horrible mother and she's drawing up charts to show me later how inefficient I'm being at folding her clothes the correct way."
I go to write a stream of conciousness and the damn thing is dominated by the zodiac signs of my unconcieved children. hmmm.....
I'm going to go read.