A few days through the wringer, nothing big
You Have Low Self Esteem 56% of the Time
While you sometimes feel good about yourself, you tend to struggle a little with self esteem issues.
It's not about changing who you are, it's about accepting your faults. You just need to be less critical and demanding of yourself!
How is Your Self Esteem?
"There are days, there are days when your life clouds over and world gets so dark that all at once you can't tell night from day. There are times, there are times when your heart cries this isn't happening but the truth is cold and real and I know the storm won't go away." -"Now That I've Seen Her/It's Her Or Me" from Miss Saigon
So let's see... 4 nights of not sleeping well? I hate that. I don't know why. All I know is I don't get decent sleep, I get up I go through my day, I get tired early, I stay up so that I should be able to go to bed at my normal time and sleep through the night and I still get startled awake and I don't know why. All I know is that it's pissing me off. I'm grateful LB's been willing to put up with my BS during this. He says I can call anytime but I never want to wake him up because it's not like he gets to sleep very easily. Honestly, I think I've called him like every night when I've been startled awake just to have him help me relax enough to go to sleep again. I'm so grateful that he's willing to do that and be there for me while I can't sleep. And, no, it's not like I call as soon as I'm awake, I actually do try and calm myself and go back to sleep first on my own. I promised him I'd start using the lavender under my pillow again. I'm pretty sure I was also a smart ass when he brought it up last night and tried to pass it off that using the lavender was psychosomatic and that I really didn't need it. Who knows, but I guess the lavender goes back under my pillow tonight, but perhaps minus the mugwort and eyebright. I'm actually thinking about using a trick one of my aunt's was telling me about- making a sleep mask filled with lavender. She feels that this would work better for me than just keeping a muslin bag filled with it under my pillow because the aroma of the lavender would reach me better and the coolness of the flowers would help pull any tension away from my eyes which would also help me relax more. Just an idea.
I also hate my brain. She over thinks and I hate over thinking. She's constantly analyzing and searching for meaning and sometimes I just don't want to be bothered with that. But I am because unfortunately we share a body. Last night it got really bad. The inside of my head was so ugly with thoughts that I just couldn't bring myself to talk about. It comes from whatever has been going on in my life being blown out of proportion by my brain. I just don't know what triggered it to be so bad. I mean the biggest problem I have right now is that I feel a bit like a failure. For example this is the main one: My marriage of not quite 2 years was horrible for me. I can't tell you have many times a day I would pray for it to get better so I could be happy, or how I'd look for legal loopholes to get out of it, or even hope that the priestess I had found to perform the ceremony wasn't legally ordained by the state of OH. Those are not thoughts that should go through a newlywed's head. They just aren't. But this is something I dealt with, this constant feeling that I shouldn't have gotten married, that there was still something better out there. So in January I decided that I was done with the bullshit and that I was leaving, I just needed to find the way to do it. But since I made that decision my brain has been telling me that I failed. That I couldn't even make something so simple work, what would make me think that there's something better out there for me. What would make me think someone else out there could tolerate me enough to even attempt to love me. And really, I know this isn't true. I know I'm a decent person and I have good traits and bad traits all the same, just like everyone else. Sometimes it's just hard to remember it. So my brain decided that since I haven't been giving it the rest it deserves that it was going to make the inside of my head ugly with thoughts. Unfortunately this happened while I was on the phone with LB and to keep from saying anything that could even be construed as mean and nasty I shut up. It's not like he did anything wrong and I feel bad because I couldn't talk about it with him. I want to be his rock right now, an eave in the storm for him because I know he's having problems right now. All my insecurities felt the need to bombard me and I'm sure he gets tired of me asking, "why me instead of someone else?" I only ask because I'm so afraid that maybe my brain is right and I'm not deserving. Yeah, I might deserve someone but for all my brain says I probably deserve some crack dealer who's going to come home and beat me every night and not someone who I know will treat me with kindness and love me not only for my strength but for my weakness too. I just want someone to love me and hold me when I come home from work. I wouldn't care if he stayed at home all day taking care of our children and cleaning the house. It would be fair if my job provided for that, I wouldn't mind one bit as long as he loved me.
So now that I've written all this and I really don't think it makes much sense but who knows. I do know that my head hurts and I'm still tired. I'm going to go lay back down and relax with my little dog before I have to get up and get ready for work. I'd much rather not go today. *sigh* So much for what I want right?
While you sometimes feel good about yourself, you tend to struggle a little with self esteem issues.
It's not about changing who you are, it's about accepting your faults. You just need to be less critical and demanding of yourself!
How is Your Self Esteem?
"There are days, there are days when your life clouds over and world gets so dark that all at once you can't tell night from day. There are times, there are times when your heart cries this isn't happening but the truth is cold and real and I know the storm won't go away." -"Now That I've Seen Her/It's Her Or Me" from Miss Saigon
So let's see... 4 nights of not sleeping well? I hate that. I don't know why. All I know is I don't get decent sleep, I get up I go through my day, I get tired early, I stay up so that I should be able to go to bed at my normal time and sleep through the night and I still get startled awake and I don't know why. All I know is that it's pissing me off. I'm grateful LB's been willing to put up with my BS during this. He says I can call anytime but I never want to wake him up because it's not like he gets to sleep very easily. Honestly, I think I've called him like every night when I've been startled awake just to have him help me relax enough to go to sleep again. I'm so grateful that he's willing to do that and be there for me while I can't sleep. And, no, it's not like I call as soon as I'm awake, I actually do try and calm myself and go back to sleep first on my own. I promised him I'd start using the lavender under my pillow again. I'm pretty sure I was also a smart ass when he brought it up last night and tried to pass it off that using the lavender was psychosomatic and that I really didn't need it. Who knows, but I guess the lavender goes back under my pillow tonight, but perhaps minus the mugwort and eyebright. I'm actually thinking about using a trick one of my aunt's was telling me about- making a sleep mask filled with lavender. She feels that this would work better for me than just keeping a muslin bag filled with it under my pillow because the aroma of the lavender would reach me better and the coolness of the flowers would help pull any tension away from my eyes which would also help me relax more. Just an idea.
I also hate my brain. She over thinks and I hate over thinking. She's constantly analyzing and searching for meaning and sometimes I just don't want to be bothered with that. But I am because unfortunately we share a body. Last night it got really bad. The inside of my head was so ugly with thoughts that I just couldn't bring myself to talk about. It comes from whatever has been going on in my life being blown out of proportion by my brain. I just don't know what triggered it to be so bad. I mean the biggest problem I have right now is that I feel a bit like a failure. For example this is the main one: My marriage of not quite 2 years was horrible for me. I can't tell you have many times a day I would pray for it to get better so I could be happy, or how I'd look for legal loopholes to get out of it, or even hope that the priestess I had found to perform the ceremony wasn't legally ordained by the state of OH. Those are not thoughts that should go through a newlywed's head. They just aren't. But this is something I dealt with, this constant feeling that I shouldn't have gotten married, that there was still something better out there. So in January I decided that I was done with the bullshit and that I was leaving, I just needed to find the way to do it. But since I made that decision my brain has been telling me that I failed. That I couldn't even make something so simple work, what would make me think that there's something better out there for me. What would make me think someone else out there could tolerate me enough to even attempt to love me. And really, I know this isn't true. I know I'm a decent person and I have good traits and bad traits all the same, just like everyone else. Sometimes it's just hard to remember it. So my brain decided that since I haven't been giving it the rest it deserves that it was going to make the inside of my head ugly with thoughts. Unfortunately this happened while I was on the phone with LB and to keep from saying anything that could even be construed as mean and nasty I shut up. It's not like he did anything wrong and I feel bad because I couldn't talk about it with him. I want to be his rock right now, an eave in the storm for him because I know he's having problems right now. All my insecurities felt the need to bombard me and I'm sure he gets tired of me asking, "why me instead of someone else?" I only ask because I'm so afraid that maybe my brain is right and I'm not deserving. Yeah, I might deserve someone but for all my brain says I probably deserve some crack dealer who's going to come home and beat me every night and not someone who I know will treat me with kindness and love me not only for my strength but for my weakness too. I just want someone to love me and hold me when I come home from work. I wouldn't care if he stayed at home all day taking care of our children and cleaning the house. It would be fair if my job provided for that, I wouldn't mind one bit as long as he loved me.
So now that I've written all this and I really don't think it makes much sense but who knows. I do know that my head hurts and I'm still tired. I'm going to go lay back down and relax with my little dog before I have to get up and get ready for work. I'd much rather not go today. *sigh* So much for what I want right?