Blue

Dec 26, 2009 06:38

Haven't drawn lately. Nothing good. Christmas was nice, spent it with the family. Luckily, the traditional arguments were kept down, so that's always a bonus. It was small, but nice. Everyone seemed happy.

Except then I get a call from my boyfriend. It seemed nice, we talked about our day, about what we had wanted to do. It was a shame we couldn't go to the park earlier, you know, things like that. Then he tells me that, because of feelings he's had for THREE YEARS he's going on a date with a friend tonight. Just to see if it will work. And if it doesn't, he'll stick with me.

How is that supposed to make me feel?

He said that sometimes he wished I hated him. I can't do that. I don't know why.

I don't even know if what I have for him is love, lust, or less.

I mean, I care about him. I worry for him. Thinking of him makes me smile, laugh.. But I don't think about him all the time. And yeah, sometimes those thoughts are quite... naughty.. But not always.

So. I don't know any more. I slept most of last night. I have to work late tonight, so I guess it's pills and sleep time soon. I'm just so tired of everything. And I can't go to anyone about this.

Read an article how to know the difference between love and such, and the only thing that really stands out is that after sex, sometimes I do feel ashamed.. But feelings are hard to understand. I don't get it. I don't think I ever will. He lives by listening to his dreams, praying, and just being so much closer to understanding the way things work. I'm too far under a rock. My dreams tell me I'll be alone. I don't feel any closer to anything in a church.

Guess this was never meant to last. I was hoping, and willing to let it go further, to live with him, maybe more, but.. Not the way everyone is acting. Not the way he was acting. Should've seen that coming a mile away.

relationship shit

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