Darkness...
There is just some thoughts I have to get onto paper. I don't know why but I have a strange affinity for darkness. There is something beautiful about it. I love the light, don't get me wrong/ Light cannot exist without darkness nor darkness without light. Alone, they lose there meaning.. I find myself hoping that in heaven, there is still darkness so the I can glimpse the light of the stars. Eliminating them would be an almost Orwellian act. In 1984, the people of the world try to id it of the concept of good by changing the word "bad" to "ungood". Thus, the line becoomes blurred. I am losin gmy point though. The point is, there is something fascinating about darkness. It cloaks the world. It hides flaws and perfections. It opens a world of possibility. It has it dangers in the uncertainty of shadows as well. It is the raw beauty that is so enthralling to me. Passion does not seem to be a thing of light, but rather of some complex and lush darkness. It is pure pleasure. I relish these things. Physical darkness. I find the times that are most peaceful to me is when I am driving down some stech of road at night with undeveloped desert of one or both sides and city lights in the distance. The world seems right in those instances. Also, I love Boston when it is night, the ights creating a haze in the air, and the city roled out beneath my window like a blanket of stars. My favorite memry from a road trip was when I was being driven to Mammoth at night. There were the headlights of cars and the light of the moon. The mountains rose of on either side, great mounds covered in ice the reflected dimmly in the starlight. A similar memory is of driving by the ocean and seeing pitchblack throuh the trees. Then the waves would break and the whitecaps would rise ghostlike out of the darkness, a phantasmagorical experience. This is why I love the beach at night, seeing this eery phenomena. The raw, untamed power of nature clothed in b;acl to one side of me and the dazzling, electric lights of some shop or resturant to the other.
I am not completely a creature of light. I have seen such people. They are the ones who seem to exude life. You want to be near them just to get high of off the excess of joy and happiness that is their constant companion. Even though there is no such thing as perfection. they are pure and good of heart. They attract people, friends, easily and I find myself at times envying them for this ability. They are not me. I am a mixture between the dark and the light. I am as fascinated by a song on the piano wrenched from the very soul of despair as by the rainbow of light reflected in the pure, untainted voice of a saprano. I suppose this is where my confusion over my identity lies. I don't know how to tell one from the other. They jumble together in patterns of rich color and sparkling hues of chaos. How do I untangle this? How do I sort out who I am? Is it possible to belong to both worlds? Both thrill and excitement. Is it questions of morality that stand in my way? I have my Christian beliefs that I cling to. Do I use this as a foundation to build my identity upon? I am afraid of surrendering to it completely for fear of losing who I am. However, is that even possible when I am not entirely sure who I am on my own?
I am not completely a creature of light. I have seen such people. They are the ones who seem to exude life. You want to be near them just to get high of off the excess of joy and happiness that is their constant companion. Even though there is no such thing as perfection. they are pure and good of heart. They attract people, friends, easily and I find myself at times envying them for this ability. They are not me. I am a mixture between the dark and the light. I am as fascinated by a song on the piano wrenched from the very soul of despair as by the rainbow of light reflected in the pure, untainted voice of a saprano. I suppose this is where my confusion over my identity lies. I don't know how to tell one from the other. They jumble together in patterns of rich color and sparkling hues of chaos. How do I untangle this? How do I sort out who I am? Is it possible to belong to both worlds? Both thrill and excitement. Is it questions of morality that stand in my way? I have my Christian beliefs that I cling to. Do I use this as a foundation to build my identity upon? I am afraid of surrendering to it completely for fear of losing who I am. However, is that even possible when I am not entirely sure who I am on my own?