It’s been years since I last posted…
Not sure why I’m even considering posting anything, but why not. Maybe I have old friends that occasionally drop by, seeing if anything is updated. You never know.
The biggest update I have in my life is that both of my parents died in March of this year. They were divorced a million years ago so this was pretty sudden. My dad had congestive heart failure and we were more or less more prepared for him passing away..
but my mom.. she was sudden.. she had constant headaches for months. Refused to go to the doctor, no matter how many times I asked her to.
She started fainting a week before March 7th.. went to the doctor on the 7th and they immediately sent her to ER and she spiraled quickly.. it’s hard to type this. Her heart just wasn’t good and after multiple surgeries and attempts at surgeries, she just wasn’t strong enough and I had to take her life support.
And I hate that I had to do that because I KNEW that I’d forever somewhat lowkey blame myself for her death because what if she recovered? She was being shocked back to life every few minutes so me and my brother could say goodbye.. what if I waited 15 minutes more? But I know she wasn’t going to be coming back..
And stupid me.. they asked if I wanted to see her one last time afterwards. I didn’t want to but then I changed my mind.. but I wish I hadn’t because now I’m haunted by it. Some nights by mind will drift as I’m trying to sleep, and it will go to the last image of her and I just beg god to let me think of something else because I’m not in the mood to crying before sleep.
So my dad passed away on March 9th and my mom passed away March 16th.
And it’s been a hard journey since then.. mainly due to all the paperwork I’ve needed to do; I’m so thankful mom had saved money which has helped to pay funeral/cremation for my mom, repairs on the houses, pay lawyer fees to make me the executor of the estate (my brother didn’t wanna do any of the legal work stuff).
Moved from Fort Worth/white Settlement back down to my childhood home of Cleburne and moved into my childhood home. My grandfathers house and my moms house are both mortgage free and since me and my partner were at the stages of looking for a house, it was a no brainer to move into one of the houses. Definitely needs a lot of work done.. super old HVAC, single paned windows, hole in the ceiling in the garage, rats in the attic.. but no mortgage so that’s nice.
Gonna turn the other house into a rental eventually. Would’ve happened sooner but I had to have a full hysterectomy early October. Gynecologist found endometriosis along with uterine fibroids and larger cysts on my ovaries, and therefore went ahead to get rid of everything in hopes it wasn’t cancer and that I’ll be able to get on hormones in May.. as such, I was immediately put into medical menopause the day of my surgery.. and it’s been pretty tough as well. I immediately started getting hot flashes, night sweats, and oh my god the insomnia.. I HAVE to take sleep aids early or I ain’t gonna be sleeping lol. Oh, can’t forget the mood swings!!
The mood swings have tapered a bit but my depression in general is pretty bad lately.. not sure if it’s mood swings or depression but it might be both. It’s coming onto the holidays and my depression is coming at me like huge waves.. it’ll just be me and my brother for the holidays. I know my boyfriend will be here and I have my brother but I just feel entirely and utterly alone. My personal cheerleader who always had my back and loved me entirely is gone forever.
I’m gonna try my best to do a simple thanksgiving dinner for me, my brother and Nathan. Gonna try to put up the Christmas tree and have a few presents underneath it for Christmas and try to continue our tradition of Christmas quiche pie on Christmas Day.. because I think I’d feel tens times worse if I didn’t.
I don’t get to have hormone therapy replacement until May so gonna get back on my anti depression meds and maybe look for a therapist because lord knows I need it.
The biggest update I have in my life is that both of my parents died in March of this year. They were divorced a million years ago so this was pretty sudden. My dad had congestive heart failure and we were more or less more prepared for him passing away..
but my mom.. she was sudden.. she had constant headaches for months. Refused to go to the doctor, no matter how many times I asked her to.
She started fainting a week before March 7th.. went to the doctor on the 7th and they immediately sent her to ER and she spiraled quickly.. it’s hard to type this. Her heart just wasn’t good and after multiple surgeries and attempts at surgeries, she just wasn’t strong enough and I had to take her life support.
And I hate that I had to do that because I KNEW that I’d forever somewhat lowkey blame myself for her death because what if she recovered? She was being shocked back to life every few minutes so me and my brother could say goodbye.. what if I waited 15 minutes more? But I know she wasn’t going to be coming back..
And stupid me.. they asked if I wanted to see her one last time afterwards. I didn’t want to but then I changed my mind.. but I wish I hadn’t because now I’m haunted by it. Some nights by mind will drift as I’m trying to sleep, and it will go to the last image of her and I just beg god to let me think of something else because I’m not in the mood to crying before sleep.
So my dad passed away on March 9th and my mom passed away March 16th.
And it’s been a hard journey since then.. mainly due to all the paperwork I’ve needed to do; I’m so thankful mom had saved money which has helped to pay funeral/cremation for my mom, repairs on the houses, pay lawyer fees to make me the executor of the estate (my brother didn’t wanna do any of the legal work stuff).
Moved from Fort Worth/white Settlement back down to my childhood home of Cleburne and moved into my childhood home. My grandfathers house and my moms house are both mortgage free and since me and my partner were at the stages of looking for a house, it was a no brainer to move into one of the houses. Definitely needs a lot of work done.. super old HVAC, single paned windows, hole in the ceiling in the garage, rats in the attic.. but no mortgage so that’s nice.
Gonna turn the other house into a rental eventually. Would’ve happened sooner but I had to have a full hysterectomy early October. Gynecologist found endometriosis along with uterine fibroids and larger cysts on my ovaries, and therefore went ahead to get rid of everything in hopes it wasn’t cancer and that I’ll be able to get on hormones in May.. as such, I was immediately put into medical menopause the day of my surgery.. and it’s been pretty tough as well. I immediately started getting hot flashes, night sweats, and oh my god the insomnia.. I HAVE to take sleep aids early or I ain’t gonna be sleeping lol. Oh, can’t forget the mood swings!!
The mood swings have tapered a bit but my depression in general is pretty bad lately.. not sure if it’s mood swings or depression but it might be both. It’s coming onto the holidays and my depression is coming at me like huge waves.. it’ll just be me and my brother for the holidays. I know my boyfriend will be here and I have my brother but I just feel entirely and utterly alone. My personal cheerleader who always had my back and loved me entirely is gone forever.
I’m gonna try my best to do a simple thanksgiving dinner for me, my brother and Nathan. Gonna try to put up the Christmas tree and have a few presents underneath it for Christmas and try to continue our tradition of Christmas quiche pie on Christmas Day.. because I think I’d feel tens times worse if I didn’t.
I don’t get to have hormone therapy replacement until May so gonna get back on my anti depression meds and maybe look for a therapist because lord knows I need it.