(no subject)
The air was grimy and thick with smog. It clogged at hir throat and made hir feel sick, but it was also a feeling that Alyss was very used to. Ze was actually quite sure that without it, Alyss would just fall over and die. This was city was all that she had known for a very long time; a bleak world with pollution and smudge everywhere. To hir, it was beautiful and comforting to witness after having practically confined herself to the dankness of her alleyway. When someone thought about it, being surrounded with nothing but trash and garbage made one very immune to the smudge and grime that covered the outside world.
The outside world? Who was ze kidding? The outside world didn’t exist. Only the city did. The city where ze grew up and became what ze was; a disgusting, frail human trash sitting in the scummiest part of the city and tucked away from plain sight until ze crawled forward on bruised palms and knees to see other humans like hir instead of the rats that bit and clawed at hir legs for hir being too close their food. Their territory belonged to them, not some mangy waste of human meat.
Though this place was disgusting and dirty, covered in God knows whatever, everyone had neat clothes. Dull colours, but they were still neat and tidy nonetheless. Faded blues, barely there crimson, grey and black colours were what adorned the city like a disease. They might as well have not even tried with colour. It was as if almost no one here knew what it meant to be able to be colorful and cheerful. All those stories about heroes always described everyone so brightly; pink, yellows, greens, oranges, reds, blues, whites, greys and blacks all seemed to merge together to create beautiful colours- alongside some new ones.
Mixed colours would appear; hazel eyes or turquoise were new to hir. Ze had never seen the colours before and only had the books to depend on for their existence. The sky was blue, though. Sometimes e saw the sky blue that they always spoke about in the books; light and with white, fluffy clouds, but they would immediately be covered up by smoke.
There was never a city that ze had heard of in books where there was so much smoke that the sky was blocked from view and made inaccessible to those who lived just below the loving sun’s rays. What did the direct warmth of the sun feel like, ze wondered. Was it as nice as the books said it to be or sometimes antagonising as it was described to be during hot days? It sounded nice and blissful, ze thought.
Hir feet padded along the street, the rough texture hurting the flats of each of hir foot as ze walked yet ze didn’t complain. In the end, ze had gone through worse than the others. That’s what ze liked to think; the books always made it seem like people like hir were people to be coddled. Hir ability to read was what made hir happiest these days, so ze hoped that this new and sudden exploration would allow hir to witness the world in different eyes than before.
Maybe even let hirself to be happy just like the people in books would be over something; food, war, living, breathing, someone else or victory. Ze wanted to experience the same feeling of joy that they all had. To anyone else, Alyss was childish for clinging so desperately to a world that did not exist. A world of emotions, rampant and strong, that ze never had access to before- that no one had access to ever. Those books were all that they had, and none of them imagined about it as vividly as ze did. To hir, those worlds were real.
Ze had brought hir favourite book along with hir as well; The Lil’ Jay. It was a nice story, a story where everything was okay in the end. Maybe Ze could get that too? The main character was sad. She always wanted to cry and no one seemed to want to help the her either until one day, she made a best, best friend.
A good friend. Ze envied her for that. She was happy in the end, due to the help of a friend who then helped her get more friends and be even more confident about herself. What did it feel like to have friends? Ze knew that many people here had friends, but they didn’t treat each other like the girl in the book and her other friends did. They were… playful. And happy and nice.
They had the type of warmth in them that Alyss wanted to feel first hand. Ze also wanted to be like her, the Lil’ Jay. A lot of people read this book and laughed at the naivety of Jay and the story and plot completely, calling it a child’s book. Alyss thought it was hir saviour. Walking through the city, ze had made sure to take a grubby, old bag from one of the trash bins. Everyone threw away a lot of valuable things and sure, it didn’t smell bad, but it held hir most precious thing in it and no one wanted to rob someone that looked like hir with hir red hair, unkempt and sticking to hir face because of sweat and all forms of beverages splashed on Alyss- be it simple soda, water, or alcohol. Hir eyes were tired, black lines underneath them that made it look like ze was punched repeatedly even though it was due to lack of sleep and hir eyes were a deep shade of brown.
Hir skin was a sickly pale and hir veins throbbed and pulsed from underneath, obvious on hir pathetically small body that made hir look like an old doll ready to break if ze just fell down. Alyss was, all in all, an ugly girl. Ze didn’t even deserve to be called one, many said, so Alyss took those words to heart and no longer thought hirself a girl.
Ze, in the end, was an it. Weak, bony hands gripped at the leather strands of the old, smelly bag as ze walked, hir dress dragging along the floor due to hir shoddy sewing skills. Ze had to make hir own clothes, after all, and learning how to make an impromptu sewing kit from nothing but broken clips and using thread from thrown away clothes was difficult.
There was various colours on hir dress. It looked like rags sewn together to make an outfit. It worked for hir, but to others it was just ridiculous and silly. It was worthy of satire, if Alyss was to be honest; ze was surprised that there was neither play nor movie nor song making fun of hir looks. Maybe ze was still lucky.
The streets were empty. Alyss knew the times when people wouldn’t go out on the streets very well. The watch on hir hand was very old, fifteen years give or take. It was shoddy, but ze had gotten it to work and it told hir right now that it was 8:42 PM. Until 11:31, no one left their houses. This was a good time to move out and see the world for hir own without being ridiculed even further. It hurt. No matter how many times they did it to hir, it hurt. It hurt so much and it made hir heart ache.
Ze never understood why at first until ze realised it was the emotional pain that heroes talked about in those books. Heroes and villains alike. This was… this was being sad, upset or hurt. This was what it was, and Alyss couldn’t help but think that ze felt all three of those. Sad, upset and hurt. Ze didn’t understand how they worked or where they came from, but ze felt them nonetheless and it hurt to know that these feelings could have gotten worse.
What did ze think right now? It hurt to know…? Alyss thought that line made hir feel more human. It was wonderful to hir, who was walking rotten muscle and bone. The city was almost unnaturally big and the way to the outside was too far away for hir to be able to travel on hir own, and if ze kept on moving without stopping other than to hide, Alyss was sure that ze would be able to get to the outside and see if it was as spoilt as the inside. “The ugliest part of human is the insides,” was a quote that Alyss could never forget. What did insides mean? As in organs, bones and tissue? Or as in… their personality?
Alyss had to wonder if this large city, built wide and filled with cynical and bitter people who were all forced in here for whatever reason, represented humans. Is that why it was so terrible? Were all humans always born terrible? Did that mean that Alyss was terrible, too? The thought both distressed and comforted hir.
But, the person that had said the quote nonetheless was quoted to be a very horrible man. Maybe he was just insulting humanity because he was a horrible person? All the books that ze read always showed that humans were very complicated things. They could feel so many things, but ze didn’t know. Ze had never been around enough humans to be able to understand how they worked under than the disdain and hate that they had constantly made hir be subject to and nothing else.
That was the world that ze had read about in the books that were full of happy and sad people for multiple reasons. Some just had bad days. Some lived horrible lives. Some were happy even though everything was bleak and sad.
They were happy because they were optimistic and hopeful.
Hope.
That was something that Alyss inspired to keep, no matter how horrible things got, which was why ze travelled the dark, empty streets where the air was thick with pollution and smog that ze was so used to that ze didn’t even flinch. It hurt Alyss, yes. It made hir eyes water no matter how long ze had lived here but it also made hir realise that this was home.
Home that ze was going to leave.
Hir books were hir only friends as ze traversed. They were light. Alyss didn’t have a lot of clothes to wear, and ze stunk. A lot. But hir stink was unnoticed and covered instead by the multitude of other stinks. The signs around hir made hir interested; ze knew all the words and read them all as ze passed by.
Advertisements for food and electronics. Clothes. Furniture. There were so many things that were being advertised that ze almost felt dizzy. How could a city like this have so many things to offer to these hopeless and dispassionate people?
But what was Alyss to say? Ze lived in an alleyway where cardboard boxes were hir furniture. Ze didn’t really have a lot of money either seeing that ze lived off the food in the dumpsters that the dirty red haired deemed as acceptable to eat. Ze even ate banana peels. They were good to someone that didn’t have a lot; practical heaven. They tasted sweet due to the remnants of the banana on them, but the peels stung themselves.
Ah. Alyss was digressing. What did ze think of at first? Yes. The signs. They advertised so many things that ze had never even heard of before. Books and mystical things, magical stuff too. Did magic exist? Yes, once upon a time it did here. Ze had read the history books about magic. However, as of the creation of this city, use of magic was banned. No one was allowed to use them anymore. It was deemed at too dangerous for the populace, so a barrier had been put here to force everyone’s mana away.
Mana was magic. Without mana, magic did not work. It could never be completely gone, but it could be forced to not be accessed.
That was what the people making this city did; make magic inaccessible. Given how people were these days, the mangy redhead didn’t blame them. Humans were horrible. No, but they were also good. Maybe Alyss was just judging too quickly? Ze hadn’t met a lot of people. There were good ones out there. Had to be.
Alyss gave one last glance at the boards advertising the magical goods that were supposed to be illegal, yet no one seemed to bother shutting them down. Ze had to wonder why even put the mana suppressing barrier down if they weren’t honestly going to do anything about it.
Hir feet padded along the floor, eyes looking around curiously. This was the first time ever that Alyss had wondered away and ze couldn’t help but be curious.
The redhead was getting tired however. Looking behind hir, ze realised that they had walked a long way. So far away from the alley, they couldn’t even see the landmarks around it any more. Hir thoughts had led hir a good many miles away and momentary panic spiked up into the redhead, but the exhaustion quickly wiped it away.
They were a good long walk away from home. What if things went wrong? Doubt and uncertainty arose. No, they couldn’t get like this after being able to finally get this far. Hir hands were shaking. What were they going to do if things honestly did go wrong? Panic spiked through hir again, battling with the exhaustion and it made their body shake. Suddenly, they wanted to go back home.
Their hands were about to raise to hir hair until-
“Hey, hey, get up. It’s dangerous.” An unfamiliar man’s voice rang throughout hir ears. Brown eyes were narrowed, then hir head raised up to look up at the person that had shown them their first taste of kindness. Red. Their eyes almost looked red to Alyss. Just like Alyss, the man had red hair but his was cleaner and nicer. It made Alyss want to touch his hair but when ze looked down to hir fingers, ze realised how disgusting and dirty they were.
“Why are you just sitting there? The sun is going up. You shouldn’t be awake, miss.”
“Miss?”
“Yes. You’re a miss.”
“You think I’m a miss?”
“Yes.”
“A mistake?”
“No, a girl.”
Girl? Yes. Alyss was physically a girl, right? Then, ze was supposed to think of hirself as a girl, but it was hard. Ze didn’t fit it, nor a boy.
So they were just a they.
“I don’t think I’m a girl.”
“You don’t?”
“No.”
“… I see. You’re dirty.”
“Yes.”
“Are you mistreated?”
“Yes. But I deserve it.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m mangy.”
“Why?”
Alyss couldn’t find the ability to answer. Their gaze fell on hir hands before back to the man’s face. He had a handsome face. Sharp cheekbones, a round face, pretty, almost-red eyes and nice lips. Thin, but nice. He was clean and looked nice, but he wore a tuxedo. Why was he wearing a tuxedo.
On his lips was a grin, like he had won something. Alyss didn’t understand. “Everyone mistreats you because of your face right, miss?” Alyss’ eyes widened in surprise, looking up to him with a bit of fear in hir eyes.
“Don’t worry, I don’t want to mistreat you.”
“No?”
“Not at all.”
“… Okay.”
“Are you okay with that?”
“No.”
“You’re scared of being mistreated, but you’re not okay with anything but mistreatment?”
“Yes.”
“You’re really a sad girl, aren’t you?”
Hir lips parted, about to say something but they could not find refute to his words. He was too correct with his words. His lips now held a smirk and his eyes were glinting weirdly to hir. What were the emotions in his eyes? “What do you want to do then, sad girl?”
“Go out of the city. My name is Alyss.”
“That’s a rude way to introduce yourself.”
“Who are you?”
“Rude. Ziyan. My name is Ziyan. You want to get out of the city, right?”
“Yes.”
“If you go further into the city with that face, you’ll die.”
That was the last thing that Alyss wanted. Being dead meant being permanently asleep with no way to wake up. Ze shook her heads furiously. “Don’t want to die.”
“Then, let me help you.” With those words, he pressed his hands together then separated them and Alyss was surprised to see a mask pop out of nowhere. It was a white mask, reminding hir of the drama masks on some of the books that ze had. It was the smiley one, as ze called it.
“If you wear this mask, you’ll be safe.”
“Safe?”
“Yes. I promise.”
“Did you do magic?”
Suddenly, a horrible grin spread across his lips. At least, Alyss thought it was a horrible grin. “It’s a trade secret.”
“But magic is banned.” He shook his head and handed - no, forced - the mask to her. “Keep it and use it, Alyss.”
“But-“
“Good bye.”
With those words, he clapped his hands in front of hir. The sound made hir squeak and close hir eyes, then when ze opened them, he was gone.
The mask in hir hands was a bother and a fear more than anything else, but ze also knew that the man was right. If ze didn’t use them, ze’d die.
Bracing hirself, ze put the mask on.