(no subject)
After trying to wrap your brain around your every choice and action at once
Past, present, and potential future
And everything looks so crushingly big as to destroy you if you twitch an inch
After your legs give out from running, from being so, so tired, and you think you can't fight anymore
And you've accepted defeat and given up, erased your will and taken your place in the line of faceless fuckups,
After grinding down to unbreakable nothing, and letting go of caring at all.
Swimming, floating, sinking, then drowning,
Only reflexively rising to inhale base emotions: despair, hopelessness, fear, defeat, powerless paralysis.
After the tears that come with facing these quiet themselves down
And these breaths become familiar
And the final rock bottom belief in nothing settles into calm acceptance.
After all the doubts, analyses, views from 50 separately rational angles,
Considerations of: 100 remote possibilities, social impacts, external inputs;
And the endless crazed internal chatter have all worn themselves to silence.
After wearing yourself out, and running down to no more thoughts.
No more stops. No more fucks. Having nothing and caring for nothing.
And finally, finally, it is clear. It is simple.
I strove to be free of external bonds, not realizing the prison in myself.
I myself, both captor and captive, holding me ransom with rhetoric.
Placing weights heavy on my own mind in adopted sound bites, hesitations, and excuses,
That echoed as ingrained law from decades past. Paralyzing untruths from foreign mouths. Reasonless. Baseless.
An incessant buzz of other voices, quiet... and now, in the wake of silence,
Of excusing myself from ever fighting again, from even my own identity,
One of the most empowering things has got to be
The simplicity in seeing and knowing
I can handle this. I can do this.
I believe in me.
Past, present, and potential future
And everything looks so crushingly big as to destroy you if you twitch an inch
After your legs give out from running, from being so, so tired, and you think you can't fight anymore
And you've accepted defeat and given up, erased your will and taken your place in the line of faceless fuckups,
After grinding down to unbreakable nothing, and letting go of caring at all.
Swimming, floating, sinking, then drowning,
Only reflexively rising to inhale base emotions: despair, hopelessness, fear, defeat, powerless paralysis.
After the tears that come with facing these quiet themselves down
And these breaths become familiar
And the final rock bottom belief in nothing settles into calm acceptance.
After all the doubts, analyses, views from 50 separately rational angles,
Considerations of: 100 remote possibilities, social impacts, external inputs;
And the endless crazed internal chatter have all worn themselves to silence.
After wearing yourself out, and running down to no more thoughts.
No more stops. No more fucks. Having nothing and caring for nothing.
And finally, finally, it is clear. It is simple.
I strove to be free of external bonds, not realizing the prison in myself.
I myself, both captor and captive, holding me ransom with rhetoric.
Placing weights heavy on my own mind in adopted sound bites, hesitations, and excuses,
That echoed as ingrained law from decades past. Paralyzing untruths from foreign mouths. Reasonless. Baseless.
An incessant buzz of other voices, quiet... and now, in the wake of silence,
Of excusing myself from ever fighting again, from even my own identity,
One of the most empowering things has got to be
The simplicity in seeing and knowing
I can handle this. I can do this.
I believe in me.