(no subject)
I hate the corporate ladder model "real job" world.
I don't think I can ever be a part of it again.
My problem with it lies in its hierarchical form. It is designed in such a way that there will always be someone above you, and they generally want you to know it.
My memories and experiences from that place are of people that want you to feel like you are below them. You are the peasant. You are the controlled. You must please your master.
I'm only somewhat exaggerating. It makes me slightly sickened to remember the way some people in "positions of power" have talked down to me, like I'm a child that needs to be taught, like they pity me or something... Always in a way that vibrates with the message that they feel that they are above me, and I am beholden to them. Like a new set of parents.
Well guess what. I grew up. I grew out of my parents. I spent my young life listening, pleasing, beholden. I went through the motions and have earned my freedom. And through no mode of corporate trickery will I have that freedom taken from me, and my parents replaced with a new set of bosses to look down on and giggle at me as though I were a child. At least in a bar, people look down on your more out of a sense of personal deflation rather than inflation. They make fun and play that tug of war more out of personal desperation, but we both know what's going on, and I can play your game and blow up you ego out of the kindness of my heart rather than out of job-politics extortion. That is more an even footing, a social transaction, and I have the choice to respond as an equal individual if I choose. I would rather lick the toes of the destitute than the toes of the self-important rich.
I'm just spinning my wheels here, though. None of this is really relevant, more just an exercise in self-awareness and acceptance.
Speaking of self-aware, I wonder how much power I actually have over this dizziness issue... Is it legitimately medical, or maybe just somehow psychosomatic? Is there a way to tell the difference, or break the cycle? Maybe I'm just constantly having a panic attack, and that's why downers kill it. Maybe I need to be on anti anxiety meds.
I don't see why my life would cause me much anxiety though. It's pretty simple and straightforward, and pretty much just the way I like it. But maybe that's the key, is that it's too low-key, and a bit more anxious stimulation would get my blood flowing properly and although I'd feel like it wasn't what I wanted it actually would be. I don't know, but I'm really down for any answer at this point, as long as it has a solution. I'm almost to the point where I'm willing to rack up lots more medical bills trying to figure it out again. My credit will be destroyed. More corporate bullshit. Ha. Ha.
But seriously, this dizziness thing is turning me into someone that I don't want to be becoming. Lacking motion. Anti social. Lay in bed. Watching screens so I don't move my head too much, wasting away in front of them. Much more negative. I don't like it. I want to be less bitter. I want to be nicer. It is important to me that I regain the focus on having a right mind instead of letting it feed on all of these negative thoughts and judgments that have cropped up. My focus has shifted, and I'm becoming someone that I might eventually not like too much, if the trend continues. I want to be a good person, for myself and the people that care about me and enjoy my presence. I want to be a good person for my family, and for Stephen. I don't want to let this change me any more than it needs to.
I don't think I can ever be a part of it again.
My problem with it lies in its hierarchical form. It is designed in such a way that there will always be someone above you, and they generally want you to know it.
My memories and experiences from that place are of people that want you to feel like you are below them. You are the peasant. You are the controlled. You must please your master.
I'm only somewhat exaggerating. It makes me slightly sickened to remember the way some people in "positions of power" have talked down to me, like I'm a child that needs to be taught, like they pity me or something... Always in a way that vibrates with the message that they feel that they are above me, and I am beholden to them. Like a new set of parents.
Well guess what. I grew up. I grew out of my parents. I spent my young life listening, pleasing, beholden. I went through the motions and have earned my freedom. And through no mode of corporate trickery will I have that freedom taken from me, and my parents replaced with a new set of bosses to look down on and giggle at me as though I were a child. At least in a bar, people look down on your more out of a sense of personal deflation rather than inflation. They make fun and play that tug of war more out of personal desperation, but we both know what's going on, and I can play your game and blow up you ego out of the kindness of my heart rather than out of job-politics extortion. That is more an even footing, a social transaction, and I have the choice to respond as an equal individual if I choose. I would rather lick the toes of the destitute than the toes of the self-important rich.
I'm just spinning my wheels here, though. None of this is really relevant, more just an exercise in self-awareness and acceptance.
Speaking of self-aware, I wonder how much power I actually have over this dizziness issue... Is it legitimately medical, or maybe just somehow psychosomatic? Is there a way to tell the difference, or break the cycle? Maybe I'm just constantly having a panic attack, and that's why downers kill it. Maybe I need to be on anti anxiety meds.
I don't see why my life would cause me much anxiety though. It's pretty simple and straightforward, and pretty much just the way I like it. But maybe that's the key, is that it's too low-key, and a bit more anxious stimulation would get my blood flowing properly and although I'd feel like it wasn't what I wanted it actually would be. I don't know, but I'm really down for any answer at this point, as long as it has a solution. I'm almost to the point where I'm willing to rack up lots more medical bills trying to figure it out again. My credit will be destroyed. More corporate bullshit. Ha. Ha.
But seriously, this dizziness thing is turning me into someone that I don't want to be becoming. Lacking motion. Anti social. Lay in bed. Watching screens so I don't move my head too much, wasting away in front of them. Much more negative. I don't like it. I want to be less bitter. I want to be nicer. It is important to me that I regain the focus on having a right mind instead of letting it feed on all of these negative thoughts and judgments that have cropped up. My focus has shifted, and I'm becoming someone that I might eventually not like too much, if the trend continues. I want to be a good person, for myself and the people that care about me and enjoy my presence. I want to be a good person for my family, and for Stephen. I don't want to let this change me any more than it needs to.