Dear Robert (clearing cobwebs from the corners)
I was sitting here filling out one of these stupid chain survey's and came across this question. "Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?" and I realized that this didn't just apply to people you've had crushes on in your life but also people who ended relationships out of the blue, for no reason, with no explanation. I understand some of the things now but I'll never really understand why you left me... why you took me to a hotel room and tried to get what you knew I wasn't ready to give you unless you were going to marry me and then left me, immediately afterwards and never even looked back. You broke my fucking heart. You caused me to do things I SWORE I'd never do... you remember that first night on the beach... that night you asked later if I'd been drinking because I acted so out of character that was nothing compared to the self destruction I went through when you left me.
Do you know how long you chased me... how long I kept those feelings I had for you ALL ALONG locked away? Before I finally gave in. I fell for you the moment Amanda introduced you to me... did you know that? I locked those feelings up tight and refused to let them out because Amanda was a friend at the time and it wasn't fair of me to go after a man she wanted to marry. I knew it would never last but I couldn't talk to you without her present... I talked her through the lows of your relationship and I congratulated her on the highs all the while wishing it were me... but I'm just a good friend I wouldn't have done anything to jeopardize your relationship...
Then when you started coming around at WH I thought this is fate... and my heart soared but I still had hope you guys might work things out. I decided it best to step back and watch to see how things went... You became self destructive you started dating anything that crossed your path Laurie... for instance... after you dated her I wasn't certain I wanted to be with you anymore... and then Adrianna kinda acted like she wanted to be with you... and I'm the kind that steps back rather then fight it out with a girl over a guy... I lost too many times and got my heartbroken.
So I backed off... and then that night that you brought that other girl (Bonnie I think it was) in my store and sat in my section so I could wait on you guys I don't know if you were trying to make me jealous or what but it worked... most of the time you guys were in the store I did anything I could to remain busy so I didn't have to think about you being there with her and she wasn't me... you called me... and asked me for relationship advice through all of this... and I gave it to you... I didn't lead you astray I told you what I thought would truly benefit you and whoever you were with if they were of quality... you even told me yourself I was the only one who ever gave you the straight of things. and I was.
When you decided to go offshore and you asked me to move in your house so you could keep it I thought this is my chance... and then I realized my mom and dad would disown me... and I wasn't ready for that even though it happened in the long run anyway. I really wanted to do it... but so many little unimportant things kept me from doing it and for that I'll probably kick myself for for the rest of my life... because I think we'd be together now if I had of. One of the things was I was worried that you'd expect sex for payment of living in your house and I wasn't ready at that point to give it to anyone... I think this is around the time Matt started beating me too. I was just a frightened little girl still.
The night you came in and told me you were going offshore and we went to walmart and I bought you the knit cap to keep your ears warm while you were on the boat... that night I wanted to tell you how I felt so bad
I just knew we'd work things out and be together we were so right for each other. When we walked by Amanda's mom and talked about going home together and taking a shower together and all of the other things we said in the back of my mind I wished they were true... I think you did too... I tried to work up the courage that night to tell you... like when we went to WH on 87 and you came around to my side of the care and I flipped my hair in your face and you told me my hair drove you wild... I wanted you to know right then... I was too immature to just tell you right there... and I was too worried about what my mom and dad would think, or even do about me with a man who was still technically married. The whole time we laughed and joked and talked in WH I wanted to tell you... beneath the smile I was struggling inside... you may of even asked looking back on it and I just said we'll see whenever you get your divorce. That night sticks out so vividly in my mind. As do the night at the beach and the night we went to Stevie D's. I can see myself standing in 87's parking lot it was chilly letting my hair down the long curls blowing a little in the wind and flipping it at you knowing good and well the effect it had. I can even feel a little chill from the wind remembering it... it was almost Christmas... I wish I could go back there kinda... I was so young and innocent, so happy, I guess but I had no idea then... hindsight is 20/20. When you took me home and let me out of the car I nearly kissed you I remember hugging you in the yard and wishing you luck and wanting so badly to tell you not to go... I went inside the house and cried myself to sleep because I felt like I'd just let you go.
As things go though... by the time I decided to quit caring what mom and dad thought you were now unsure... the night at the beach and after the phone conversations we had, had since you'd come home... I thought that night that things had finally started to come together... that everything that had kept us apart in the past was now finished... I was wrong I guess... but you gave me that impression... knowingly or not... Robert at that point in my life I didn't understand that people just made out and that it didn't mean anything... and I'm not just people I was the girl that you claimed to have wanted for more then a year... I had no idea you would just go home and forget me... while I went home with stars in my eyes and a soaring heart... how was I to know? When I crashed it was catastrophic... and it started way earlier then the night Amber called you... (BTW what she called you about... it turned out to be a spider bite a very painful spider bite in a very sensitive spot... and so you know... STD's CAN be spread through oral sex and I don't appreciate you telling her that NOTHING ever happened between us because unless you got fucking amnesia you know what happened. You made a good friend of mine wonder if I was looney toons!) I started to crash from the day you told me you weren't certain you wanted a relationship with me... I tried to understand but I'd already let go of my heart that I'd kept behind fences and there was no way to call it back in after I'd kept it locked up somewhere around two years. All I could do was leave it out there and hope that the wolves didn't get to it... the hope was in vain because in the end... it was so beaten that it wasn't worth putting away again.
Then after all the problems we'd had and the ups and downs and all the hurt and tears I'd spilled over your inability to make up your mind about us you scooped me up and gave me such high hope... hope that would carry me through the next few days come to find out you only gave me my wings back so that you could clip them in midnight and watch me crash harder then ever before. With Chad in the background giggling... I wonder if Chad hadn't of been around if you wouldn't have done some of the things you did... I think he egged you on to party and too look for a pretty girl... and to not give a rats ass about how you were killing me... about how bad you were hurting me...
Maybe you wonder what I meant about giving me my wings back... let me take you back to the day Robert... You called and said you wanted to come over... we'd been fighting and on the outs... I wasn't happy but you said you just wanted to talk for a second nearly begged... I didn't have a thing clean to wear and had been cleaning house all day... and I was on my period... I didn't want to go... but I thought to myself just maybe he wants to apologize maybe he has some good news... and you did... I agreed to let you come over I had no intention of going anywhere with you... you drove up in your seabring... it was the day you got your settlement... I was tickled pink to see you... you looked so happy and care free more like the guy I'd always known, and loved... I thought just maybe it's been all this stress that's caused him to act this way... you asked if I'd go for a ride with you... I agreed... we went to walmart where you asked my opinion on furnishings and decorating of your place... and that gave me the impression that you meant for it to eventually be our place... now I don't know if that's what you were thinking or what... after walking around wal-mart awhile you said we'd better head home... and I agreed... I felt so much better about our situation... and just knew you'd finally come around. You further proved that on the way home... I'm too tired to drive all the way back to crestview I'm going to get a room do you wanna come? "Robert... things have been so rocky between us lately... we're neither here nor there you're not sure how you feel and I've told you that unless you are sure you want to spend forever with me... that we aren't going there... not now..." "What are you talking about I'm talking about just going to hang out and watch some TV." I thought to myself yea right... "I just don't want things to get out of hand and us doing something we'll both regret..." boy I must have been psychic. "we're just going to hang out a couple of friends going to hang out." after lots of deliberation I agreed... and we went... I worried what the girl at the desk thought as you checked in... I hoped she didn't know me... I worried what the people thought as we passed them in the halls... I was literally sick to my stomach... I asked you to buy me a sprite... you did... it helped some... we went into the room I sat on the bed across the room you on the other... you said you wanted to get a shower the traveling for the day had made you feel gross... I think you asked if I wanted to get one... I was on my period and didn't have anything clean to put on I passed. I knew what you were getting at from the moment you took me in there no matter what the words out of your mouth were... what Robert did you have some sort of bet with Chad that I'd give it to you. If so you really underestimated me... but then again... you were almost right... if you'd of said one more thing about us... or told me you loved me or anything you probably would have gotten it... but you didn't you just snaked your way along... getting out of the shower and calling me over to your bed then complaining about your wallet and telling me you couldn't take it out of your pants because it had too much money in it and you were afraid you were going to leave it. and whatever way it was that you snuck the rest of your clothes off and then started kissing on me and eventually encouraged me to blow you... you remember all this? Everything from the kissing to the time you got off is a little blurry for me... I remember you getting off and how overwhelmed you were I remember the joy it brought me to bring you that pleasure...
Why couldn't you of brought me home a ring Robert? I helped you win a settlement of 100k I'd stood by you and helped you through every low time you'd had from the day I met you... I WAS THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU HAD NOTHING! I was there for you through everything... I was your friend... when you had no friends... and I'd of been your lover had you of brought me home a ring... the way you were acting I almost thought you might have... anyhow if you did you didn't give it to me for some reason... but I don't guess you did.
Why'd you do that to me? Why did you take me to do something like that... you KNEW it meant more to me then just a thing... you knew how I'd take it... I'd told you in advance... you knew you were dealing with someone who'd had next to no sexual experience and the only one I'd had, had been from an abusive asshole... you were the first out of love instead of lust and wonder and force to some extent... I really need to know why... maybe now you don't even remember why... but I'd love to know... you hurt me so bad... I really need some sort of reason. You broke me... literally I mean it... the next guy after you got it in 3 days I was scared he'd leave me too I was hoping to please him and keep him from cheating... I was hoping my prowess would keep him in my bed and not searching for someone else... and I guess it worked... I married him 6 months later and we now have a beautiful daughter... and I love him... but I didn't that night. I knew I could love him... I knew it was possible there was a future... and I learned from you that sex is a tool to keep a man in a relationship. And so far it's lasted two years... (you do the math... I got together with him less then a month after you made it clear to me that you were moving on.) I expect many more years with him... I guess I was right to do what I did... every man before him cheated on me... or beat me.... and in the end broke my heart... you especially I'd never been hurt like you hurt me... and Adam (my husband) is the only man in the world that could ever hurt me that bad again... sure there'd be more men after him... but there'd never be one that would get that deep into my heart... even Adam will never accomplish getting into areas of my heart that you did... I locked them up tight after you tried to rip them out. After you dropped me off that morning you talked to me for just a few minutes the next day and then you hid from me for a couple of weeks. I didn't even know anything was wrong until I found out that you didn't take the trip you had told me you were taking. That's when I realized you were lying to me and avoiding me... and here I thought everything was going great and was soaring on high.... boy did I crash when I learned that you were lying to me and avoiding me... and when I finally got ahold of you... you told me you were back together with what's her face... I was in the car with my mom and dad... I couldn't truly argue it with you I couldn't tell you how I even felt I couldn't even ask you why you did what you did... I couldn't do anything besides just cry... and cry... and cry some more... and Chad in the background rubbing it in... salt in an open wound.... it was great... it hurts thinking about it even now... after I've happily married and have a child and am totally loved... it still hurts that you did this... some one I thought I could trust... someone I thought was a friend and would never hurt me like this... someone who I recklessly loved with abandonment.
That's not where it ended but it is on some levels with me... I know I had hoped after that that you would come back and I didn't let go... but let me remind you it's you who came running back to me... not the other way around... when you found out you had a brain tumor... I would have taken you back then... thinking that maybe just maybe the brain tumor had caused your reckless behavior with my heart. But it never worked out that way... Your recklessness in the end proved to be your own doing... probably most of the time you strung me along and told me there was hope for a future you had another girlfriend... I know there were plenty of girls around the nights you called me up drunk sometimes I called you mid party... *sigh* Oh well... I was never a big partier... never ever turned into one but I think that was also Chad's influence... Chad did so many wonderful things for you... cost you a loyal true blue woman... where instead it looks like you married the girl that cheated and lied to you.... What were you looking for another Amanda? No I'm sorry that's not fair I never met her... all I really know is that she hurt you and I guess there's still a little part of me that still would like to protect you from someone like that but I guess you had good reason for going back to her. I hope you did anyway... and I hope you're still together... and I hope you're happy... I know I am... I guess I was just provoked to write because I wondered if maybe you could help me explain why things turned out the way they did... and don't just say it was because I called all the time... people who are in a relationship talk more then you wanted to talk to me... you would be mid conversation with me and tell me to call you later you also know that I was worried about you... you gave me good reason to worry threatening to kill yourself... and the way you drove and blacked out while you were driving and it had some to do with the way I'd been treated in the past... guys leaving me with no notice and cheating and I guess I worried about it until it happened... but anyhow... I'm finished... and I feel better just having gotten all of this out... and I'll feel even better if you ever get around to reading it... I wanna know what you were thinking through all of this so that I can get a little closer... maybe we could be friends again in the end of all of this... maybe not... who knows...
-Heather
Do you know how long you chased me... how long I kept those feelings I had for you ALL ALONG locked away? Before I finally gave in. I fell for you the moment Amanda introduced you to me... did you know that? I locked those feelings up tight and refused to let them out because Amanda was a friend at the time and it wasn't fair of me to go after a man she wanted to marry. I knew it would never last but I couldn't talk to you without her present... I talked her through the lows of your relationship and I congratulated her on the highs all the while wishing it were me... but I'm just a good friend I wouldn't have done anything to jeopardize your relationship...
Then when you started coming around at WH I thought this is fate... and my heart soared but I still had hope you guys might work things out. I decided it best to step back and watch to see how things went... You became self destructive you started dating anything that crossed your path Laurie... for instance... after you dated her I wasn't certain I wanted to be with you anymore... and then Adrianna kinda acted like she wanted to be with you... and I'm the kind that steps back rather then fight it out with a girl over a guy... I lost too many times and got my heartbroken.
So I backed off... and then that night that you brought that other girl (Bonnie I think it was) in my store and sat in my section so I could wait on you guys I don't know if you were trying to make me jealous or what but it worked... most of the time you guys were in the store I did anything I could to remain busy so I didn't have to think about you being there with her and she wasn't me... you called me... and asked me for relationship advice through all of this... and I gave it to you... I didn't lead you astray I told you what I thought would truly benefit you and whoever you were with if they were of quality... you even told me yourself I was the only one who ever gave you the straight of things. and I was.
When you decided to go offshore and you asked me to move in your house so you could keep it I thought this is my chance... and then I realized my mom and dad would disown me... and I wasn't ready for that even though it happened in the long run anyway. I really wanted to do it... but so many little unimportant things kept me from doing it and for that I'll probably kick myself for for the rest of my life... because I think we'd be together now if I had of. One of the things was I was worried that you'd expect sex for payment of living in your house and I wasn't ready at that point to give it to anyone... I think this is around the time Matt started beating me too. I was just a frightened little girl still.
The night you came in and told me you were going offshore and we went to walmart and I bought you the knit cap to keep your ears warm while you were on the boat... that night I wanted to tell you how I felt so bad
I just knew we'd work things out and be together we were so right for each other. When we walked by Amanda's mom and talked about going home together and taking a shower together and all of the other things we said in the back of my mind I wished they were true... I think you did too... I tried to work up the courage that night to tell you... like when we went to WH on 87 and you came around to my side of the care and I flipped my hair in your face and you told me my hair drove you wild... I wanted you to know right then... I was too immature to just tell you right there... and I was too worried about what my mom and dad would think, or even do about me with a man who was still technically married. The whole time we laughed and joked and talked in WH I wanted to tell you... beneath the smile I was struggling inside... you may of even asked looking back on it and I just said we'll see whenever you get your divorce. That night sticks out so vividly in my mind. As do the night at the beach and the night we went to Stevie D's. I can see myself standing in 87's parking lot it was chilly letting my hair down the long curls blowing a little in the wind and flipping it at you knowing good and well the effect it had. I can even feel a little chill from the wind remembering it... it was almost Christmas... I wish I could go back there kinda... I was so young and innocent, so happy, I guess but I had no idea then... hindsight is 20/20. When you took me home and let me out of the car I nearly kissed you I remember hugging you in the yard and wishing you luck and wanting so badly to tell you not to go... I went inside the house and cried myself to sleep because I felt like I'd just let you go.
As things go though... by the time I decided to quit caring what mom and dad thought you were now unsure... the night at the beach and after the phone conversations we had, had since you'd come home... I thought that night that things had finally started to come together... that everything that had kept us apart in the past was now finished... I was wrong I guess... but you gave me that impression... knowingly or not... Robert at that point in my life I didn't understand that people just made out and that it didn't mean anything... and I'm not just people I was the girl that you claimed to have wanted for more then a year... I had no idea you would just go home and forget me... while I went home with stars in my eyes and a soaring heart... how was I to know? When I crashed it was catastrophic... and it started way earlier then the night Amber called you... (BTW what she called you about... it turned out to be a spider bite a very painful spider bite in a very sensitive spot... and so you know... STD's CAN be spread through oral sex and I don't appreciate you telling her that NOTHING ever happened between us because unless you got fucking amnesia you know what happened. You made a good friend of mine wonder if I was looney toons!) I started to crash from the day you told me you weren't certain you wanted a relationship with me... I tried to understand but I'd already let go of my heart that I'd kept behind fences and there was no way to call it back in after I'd kept it locked up somewhere around two years. All I could do was leave it out there and hope that the wolves didn't get to it... the hope was in vain because in the end... it was so beaten that it wasn't worth putting away again.
Then after all the problems we'd had and the ups and downs and all the hurt and tears I'd spilled over your inability to make up your mind about us you scooped me up and gave me such high hope... hope that would carry me through the next few days come to find out you only gave me my wings back so that you could clip them in midnight and watch me crash harder then ever before. With Chad in the background giggling... I wonder if Chad hadn't of been around if you wouldn't have done some of the things you did... I think he egged you on to party and too look for a pretty girl... and to not give a rats ass about how you were killing me... about how bad you were hurting me...
Maybe you wonder what I meant about giving me my wings back... let me take you back to the day Robert... You called and said you wanted to come over... we'd been fighting and on the outs... I wasn't happy but you said you just wanted to talk for a second nearly begged... I didn't have a thing clean to wear and had been cleaning house all day... and I was on my period... I didn't want to go... but I thought to myself just maybe he wants to apologize maybe he has some good news... and you did... I agreed to let you come over I had no intention of going anywhere with you... you drove up in your seabring... it was the day you got your settlement... I was tickled pink to see you... you looked so happy and care free more like the guy I'd always known, and loved... I thought just maybe it's been all this stress that's caused him to act this way... you asked if I'd go for a ride with you... I agreed... we went to walmart where you asked my opinion on furnishings and decorating of your place... and that gave me the impression that you meant for it to eventually be our place... now I don't know if that's what you were thinking or what... after walking around wal-mart awhile you said we'd better head home... and I agreed... I felt so much better about our situation... and just knew you'd finally come around. You further proved that on the way home... I'm too tired to drive all the way back to crestview I'm going to get a room do you wanna come? "Robert... things have been so rocky between us lately... we're neither here nor there you're not sure how you feel and I've told you that unless you are sure you want to spend forever with me... that we aren't going there... not now..." "What are you talking about I'm talking about just going to hang out and watch some TV." I thought to myself yea right... "I just don't want things to get out of hand and us doing something we'll both regret..." boy I must have been psychic. "we're just going to hang out a couple of friends going to hang out." after lots of deliberation I agreed... and we went... I worried what the girl at the desk thought as you checked in... I hoped she didn't know me... I worried what the people thought as we passed them in the halls... I was literally sick to my stomach... I asked you to buy me a sprite... you did... it helped some... we went into the room I sat on the bed across the room you on the other... you said you wanted to get a shower the traveling for the day had made you feel gross... I think you asked if I wanted to get one... I was on my period and didn't have anything clean to put on I passed. I knew what you were getting at from the moment you took me in there no matter what the words out of your mouth were... what Robert did you have some sort of bet with Chad that I'd give it to you. If so you really underestimated me... but then again... you were almost right... if you'd of said one more thing about us... or told me you loved me or anything you probably would have gotten it... but you didn't you just snaked your way along... getting out of the shower and calling me over to your bed then complaining about your wallet and telling me you couldn't take it out of your pants because it had too much money in it and you were afraid you were going to leave it. and whatever way it was that you snuck the rest of your clothes off and then started kissing on me and eventually encouraged me to blow you... you remember all this? Everything from the kissing to the time you got off is a little blurry for me... I remember you getting off and how overwhelmed you were I remember the joy it brought me to bring you that pleasure...
Why couldn't you of brought me home a ring Robert? I helped you win a settlement of 100k I'd stood by you and helped you through every low time you'd had from the day I met you... I WAS THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU HAD NOTHING! I was there for you through everything... I was your friend... when you had no friends... and I'd of been your lover had you of brought me home a ring... the way you were acting I almost thought you might have... anyhow if you did you didn't give it to me for some reason... but I don't guess you did.
Why'd you do that to me? Why did you take me to do something like that... you KNEW it meant more to me then just a thing... you knew how I'd take it... I'd told you in advance... you knew you were dealing with someone who'd had next to no sexual experience and the only one I'd had, had been from an abusive asshole... you were the first out of love instead of lust and wonder and force to some extent... I really need to know why... maybe now you don't even remember why... but I'd love to know... you hurt me so bad... I really need some sort of reason. You broke me... literally I mean it... the next guy after you got it in 3 days I was scared he'd leave me too I was hoping to please him and keep him from cheating... I was hoping my prowess would keep him in my bed and not searching for someone else... and I guess it worked... I married him 6 months later and we now have a beautiful daughter... and I love him... but I didn't that night. I knew I could love him... I knew it was possible there was a future... and I learned from you that sex is a tool to keep a man in a relationship. And so far it's lasted two years... (you do the math... I got together with him less then a month after you made it clear to me that you were moving on.) I expect many more years with him... I guess I was right to do what I did... every man before him cheated on me... or beat me.... and in the end broke my heart... you especially I'd never been hurt like you hurt me... and Adam (my husband) is the only man in the world that could ever hurt me that bad again... sure there'd be more men after him... but there'd never be one that would get that deep into my heart... even Adam will never accomplish getting into areas of my heart that you did... I locked them up tight after you tried to rip them out. After you dropped me off that morning you talked to me for just a few minutes the next day and then you hid from me for a couple of weeks. I didn't even know anything was wrong until I found out that you didn't take the trip you had told me you were taking. That's when I realized you were lying to me and avoiding me... and here I thought everything was going great and was soaring on high.... boy did I crash when I learned that you were lying to me and avoiding me... and when I finally got ahold of you... you told me you were back together with what's her face... I was in the car with my mom and dad... I couldn't truly argue it with you I couldn't tell you how I even felt I couldn't even ask you why you did what you did... I couldn't do anything besides just cry... and cry... and cry some more... and Chad in the background rubbing it in... salt in an open wound.... it was great... it hurts thinking about it even now... after I've happily married and have a child and am totally loved... it still hurts that you did this... some one I thought I could trust... someone I thought was a friend and would never hurt me like this... someone who I recklessly loved with abandonment.
That's not where it ended but it is on some levels with me... I know I had hoped after that that you would come back and I didn't let go... but let me remind you it's you who came running back to me... not the other way around... when you found out you had a brain tumor... I would have taken you back then... thinking that maybe just maybe the brain tumor had caused your reckless behavior with my heart. But it never worked out that way... Your recklessness in the end proved to be your own doing... probably most of the time you strung me along and told me there was hope for a future you had another girlfriend... I know there were plenty of girls around the nights you called me up drunk sometimes I called you mid party... *sigh* Oh well... I was never a big partier... never ever turned into one but I think that was also Chad's influence... Chad did so many wonderful things for you... cost you a loyal true blue woman... where instead it looks like you married the girl that cheated and lied to you.... What were you looking for another Amanda? No I'm sorry that's not fair I never met her... all I really know is that she hurt you and I guess there's still a little part of me that still would like to protect you from someone like that but I guess you had good reason for going back to her. I hope you did anyway... and I hope you're still together... and I hope you're happy... I know I am... I guess I was just provoked to write because I wondered if maybe you could help me explain why things turned out the way they did... and don't just say it was because I called all the time... people who are in a relationship talk more then you wanted to talk to me... you would be mid conversation with me and tell me to call you later you also know that I was worried about you... you gave me good reason to worry threatening to kill yourself... and the way you drove and blacked out while you were driving and it had some to do with the way I'd been treated in the past... guys leaving me with no notice and cheating and I guess I worried about it until it happened... but anyhow... I'm finished... and I feel better just having gotten all of this out... and I'll feel even better if you ever get around to reading it... I wanna know what you were thinking through all of this so that I can get a little closer... maybe we could be friends again in the end of all of this... maybe not... who knows...
-Heather