Why do I make art actually?
I saw--'twas in a dream, the other night--
A man whose hair with age was thin and white:
One hundred years had bettered by his birth,
And still his step was firm, his eye was bright.
Before him and about him pressed a crowd.
Each head in reverence was bared and bowed,
And Jews and Gentiles in a hundred tongues
Extolled his deeds and spoke his fame aloud.
I joined the throng and, pushing forward, cried,
"Montefiore!" with the rest, and vied
In efforts to caress the hand that ne'er
To want and worth had charity denied.
So closely round him swarmed our shouting clan
He scarce could breathe, and taking from a pan
A gleaming coin he tossed it o'er our heads,
And in a moment was a lonely man!
I have figured out that I'm hiding my depression through anger and frustration. So now that the anger is starting to fade, very slowly of course, the depression is beginning to kick in. Tyler calling me to "apologize" is not a good idea. I'm not sure why I choose to talk to him at all on the phone. Its pointless. My whole life is turning into a power struggle. I need to go somewhere where society hasn't changed the natural behavior and emotions of people. Where people aren't brainwashed by traditions or government. Where ideas are original and unique and stereotypes don't exist. Society has become a place of constant brainwashing and stereotypes. A place where tradition has died and materialism has taken over. I should just give away everything I don't need and only have a closet with clothes a bed and Larka with a few candles. Do I really need anything else? No. Society has taught me what I know and to break away from society is lonely and hard. I believe that society is the real reason behind many of today's problems. Why do I have to be labeled by habits, addictions, educational background, major, name, clothing preference? Just because to some those things matter to me they're just names of accomplishments, whether negative or positive. When someone defines themselves through a career or major I just want to slap them and tell them that they've lost all self-worth. There's more to a person than just those things, there's emotions, aura's, and a soul that goes along with the body that is overlooked and labeled by the career. I hope when I get older I don't say, 'Hi, I'm Amanda and I'm a(n) ___'. What am I at an AA meeting? I mean honestly that's what people do, they sit there and list there accomplishments whether you care or not, because thats how they define themselves as a person.
Do I really want to stay awake to see if Tyler tries to make contact later, again? Probably not. Lets see how long Amanda can stay awake without falling asleep. Probably not long.
"My Skin"
Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here
That I don't understand
Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
Contempt loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart
They say that promises
Sweeten the blow
But I don't need them
No, I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm a slow dying flower
Frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable
O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this
I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel sweet
Love of my life
O, I need this
Do you remember the way
That you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?
Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
No, I don't need them
O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this
I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
The angel sweet
Love of my life
I need this
Is it dark enough?
Can you see me?
Do you want me?
Can you reach me?
Or I'm leaving
You better shut your mouth
Hold your breath
Kiss me now you'll catch my death
O, I mean it
I don't deserve love.