I'm sorry, has anyone seen my summer?
Still alive, reporting for duty.
Where have I been? Let me begin. I guess thats the best place to start.
So it's summer...apparently. Not quite sure where I left off, probably camping with the ALMANDS. It was a fun trip, there are many days that I wish I could go back. I got a lot of bug bites from it, they pretty much covered my leg. A few days later, I ended up having a toxic reaction to all of them and my leg muscles spasmed/tightened up. It was pretty weird//irritating//painful. But it only happened twice, thank goodness.
(is it sad that I need to look at a calendar to see what I've forgotten to write about?) Let's see, that was the first weekend in June, the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. Something happened the next weekend, but I don't remember. Was that Hannah's graduation? or was that in May? I don't remember. The next weekend, this past weekend was graduation on Friday night, then alumni parade on Saturday and father's day on Sunday. After the parade I hung out with Sarah M and we walked around for a bit then drove down to my grandmas house.
OH SHIT SON, that reminds me. That weekend, June 8th and 9th, I drove up to Island Pond and helped my grandparents move out of their house and into one in Windsor. It's the brown house just out behind the old McDonalds.
Okay, where was I? Fathers day. We took my dad and his girlfriend out to the Joy Wah in Bellows Falls, VT and then we went to Charlestown, NH to get ice cream. After that it was pretty low key, we gave him his cards and stuff.
Backtracking some more...I don't remember what day it was, maybe the 9th? I went over to Amanda's house and we went to Claremont, got subs, watched the Tony awards, and stayed up until 2am? making bridal shower invitations. I think the best part was spray gluing in the dark at 2am outside on her lawn haha.
Other business? ummm....
so I'm still working at Aris, it's going good. A little hectic at times ( and reallllly hectic other times) but I'm getting better at the job, learning more about how the different programs and all the budgets and stuff work so I can answer questions on my own without having to go and talk to someone when people call on the phone. I also just discovered that we had headsets sitting around so I installed one at my desk- When the girls at work walk by, I say "Welcome to the ARIS drive thru, can I take your timesheet?" They get a laugh out of it.
So I went to the doctors, still trying to figure everything out. We did more blood work and I had one of those exams for the first time. She's basically determined that it is indeed PCOS, or polycystic ovary syndrome. I also found out that it used to be called PCOD, polycystic Ovarian disease. I don't like that one as much, it's much scarier. Anyways, it basically means that there are little cysts on my ovaries caused by a combination of chronic stress and a hormone imbalance. It's not like a cancer or anything, it won't kill me, but unfortunately it never goes away. It was the culprit for the high blood pressure and the cholesterol, and it's been the reason I've struggled with my weight. So, what does this mean? It means that I'm now on birth control to correct the hormone imbalance and help control the cysts. It also means that there could be a chance that I won't have kids.
To someone whose whole life has been planned around having kids and be everything that my mother wasn't, this disheartened me. A lot.
But, I'm trying to stay positive. It's not a definite thing, there's still a chance. I also have to watch out for gestational diabetes as well, but I'm willing to take the risk. I owe to future children; I owe it to myself, to make up for my childhood.
The only thing thats been killing me lately is that when it comes down to it- I caused this upon myself. I may not have been the sole reason, but I was a good part of it. I stressed myself out. Ever since the summer of 9th grade when my parents first started to get divorced, I can't remember a time when I wasn't stressed between family stuff, working, high school stuff, and college stuff, along with my own personal issues. It only got worse going into college and this summer has been nothing short of the most amount of stress I've had in my entire life. But I just continue to beat myself up over this. It was my own fault. I didn't have to do so much. I could have slept more, given up a few activities, not hated myself as much as did. And now, even though I already know I have it and know that it's here for life, I continue to let myself come inches from a mental breakdown. This summer it's been nothing but work 40 hours a week, take an online class, plan a bridal shower, work on Spinner Place Committee stuff, get everything done that I couldn't get done while at school, take care of my brother, help my dad, and now all of next year's financial issues are starting, plus some family drama on top of that. Now it's down to the wire for the bridal shower, a few days until the SPRHC deadline, and Hampton Beach planning stuff is starting to come up. It's going to be August before it all ends, and I'll have nothing to show for it all except an empty wallet, failing health, and nothing done for me. Damn it.
Sorry, that kind of went into a rant there. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I believe everything happens for a reason, and I've always been the one to say that although you can't see it now, there's always a reason down the road, whether we realize it or not.
This time, I'm trying to convince myself that this is true, telling myself to hold on.
As selfish as this sounds, when I originally set out, this summer was going to be about me. I was going to take care of myself, get in better health, better shape, better mental state. And so far, I've accomplished none. I've tried, but it's only gotten me with PCOS/hormone imbalance, +5 lbs and in a deeper state of depression and emotional and physical stress than I've ever been in.
And it's only June.
I'm hoping things will get better. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. I'm holding on, running through each day on about 5 hours sleep telling myself that hey, just keep going, eventually all of this will stop. I think as soon as this wedding/bridal shower nightmare is over, I'm going to call in from work. I'm going to sleep. I'm going to lay out in the sun. I'm going to cry and cry and cry and de-stress.
And then, I'm going to pick myself up and carry on, just as I've always tried to do.
Well, that was depressing to say the least. But, hey, thats what I've been up to. So, I'm off to go work on online class stuff now that I've put it off to write this all. If you don't hear from me for another month, you know what I've been up to. Hopefully I'll update again sometime within the next month. Maybe I'll do it after the bridal shower is over if I can remember.
Where have I been? Let me begin. I guess thats the best place to start.
So it's summer...apparently. Not quite sure where I left off, probably camping with the ALMANDS. It was a fun trip, there are many days that I wish I could go back. I got a lot of bug bites from it, they pretty much covered my leg. A few days later, I ended up having a toxic reaction to all of them and my leg muscles spasmed/tightened up. It was pretty weird//irritating//painful. But it only happened twice, thank goodness.
(is it sad that I need to look at a calendar to see what I've forgotten to write about?) Let's see, that was the first weekend in June, the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. Something happened the next weekend, but I don't remember. Was that Hannah's graduation? or was that in May? I don't remember. The next weekend, this past weekend was graduation on Friday night, then alumni parade on Saturday and father's day on Sunday. After the parade I hung out with Sarah M and we walked around for a bit then drove down to my grandmas house.
OH SHIT SON, that reminds me. That weekend, June 8th and 9th, I drove up to Island Pond and helped my grandparents move out of their house and into one in Windsor. It's the brown house just out behind the old McDonalds.
Okay, where was I? Fathers day. We took my dad and his girlfriend out to the Joy Wah in Bellows Falls, VT and then we went to Charlestown, NH to get ice cream. After that it was pretty low key, we gave him his cards and stuff.
Backtracking some more...I don't remember what day it was, maybe the 9th? I went over to Amanda's house and we went to Claremont, got subs, watched the Tony awards, and stayed up until 2am? making bridal shower invitations. I think the best part was spray gluing in the dark at 2am outside on her lawn haha.
Other business? ummm....
so I'm still working at Aris, it's going good. A little hectic at times ( and reallllly hectic other times) but I'm getting better at the job, learning more about how the different programs and all the budgets and stuff work so I can answer questions on my own without having to go and talk to someone when people call on the phone. I also just discovered that we had headsets sitting around so I installed one at my desk- When the girls at work walk by, I say "Welcome to the ARIS drive thru, can I take your timesheet?" They get a laugh out of it.
So I went to the doctors, still trying to figure everything out. We did more blood work and I had one of those exams for the first time. She's basically determined that it is indeed PCOS, or polycystic ovary syndrome. I also found out that it used to be called PCOD, polycystic Ovarian disease. I don't like that one as much, it's much scarier. Anyways, it basically means that there are little cysts on my ovaries caused by a combination of chronic stress and a hormone imbalance. It's not like a cancer or anything, it won't kill me, but unfortunately it never goes away. It was the culprit for the high blood pressure and the cholesterol, and it's been the reason I've struggled with my weight. So, what does this mean? It means that I'm now on birth control to correct the hormone imbalance and help control the cysts. It also means that there could be a chance that I won't have kids.
To someone whose whole life has been planned around having kids and be everything that my mother wasn't, this disheartened me. A lot.
But, I'm trying to stay positive. It's not a definite thing, there's still a chance. I also have to watch out for gestational diabetes as well, but I'm willing to take the risk. I owe to future children; I owe it to myself, to make up for my childhood.
The only thing thats been killing me lately is that when it comes down to it- I caused this upon myself. I may not have been the sole reason, but I was a good part of it. I stressed myself out. Ever since the summer of 9th grade when my parents first started to get divorced, I can't remember a time when I wasn't stressed between family stuff, working, high school stuff, and college stuff, along with my own personal issues. It only got worse going into college and this summer has been nothing short of the most amount of stress I've had in my entire life. But I just continue to beat myself up over this. It was my own fault. I didn't have to do so much. I could have slept more, given up a few activities, not hated myself as much as did. And now, even though I already know I have it and know that it's here for life, I continue to let myself come inches from a mental breakdown. This summer it's been nothing but work 40 hours a week, take an online class, plan a bridal shower, work on Spinner Place Committee stuff, get everything done that I couldn't get done while at school, take care of my brother, help my dad, and now all of next year's financial issues are starting, plus some family drama on top of that. Now it's down to the wire for the bridal shower, a few days until the SPRHC deadline, and Hampton Beach planning stuff is starting to come up. It's going to be August before it all ends, and I'll have nothing to show for it all except an empty wallet, failing health, and nothing done for me. Damn it.
Sorry, that kind of went into a rant there. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I believe everything happens for a reason, and I've always been the one to say that although you can't see it now, there's always a reason down the road, whether we realize it or not.
This time, I'm trying to convince myself that this is true, telling myself to hold on.
As selfish as this sounds, when I originally set out, this summer was going to be about me. I was going to take care of myself, get in better health, better shape, better mental state. And so far, I've accomplished none. I've tried, but it's only gotten me with PCOS/hormone imbalance, +5 lbs and in a deeper state of depression and emotional and physical stress than I've ever been in.
And it's only June.
I'm hoping things will get better. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. I'm holding on, running through each day on about 5 hours sleep telling myself that hey, just keep going, eventually all of this will stop. I think as soon as this wedding/bridal shower nightmare is over, I'm going to call in from work. I'm going to sleep. I'm going to lay out in the sun. I'm going to cry and cry and cry and de-stress.
And then, I'm going to pick myself up and carry on, just as I've always tried to do.
Well, that was depressing to say the least. But, hey, thats what I've been up to. So, I'm off to go work on online class stuff now that I've put it off to write this all. If you don't hear from me for another month, you know what I've been up to. Hopefully I'll update again sometime within the next month. Maybe I'll do it after the bridal shower is over if I can remember.