Red Dwarf Drabble 1
TITLE: Untitled Set of Red Dwarf Drabbles and short stories: Drabble 1
RATING: PG-13, future drabbles may vary in rating.
SUMMARY: A slightly alternate universe from the original Red Dwarf series where Lister and Rimmer got together as a couple rather than completely disliking each other.
AUTHORESS' NOTE: Anyone who has seen the majority of Red Dwarf ( Read more... )
RATING: PG-13, future drabbles may vary in rating.
SUMMARY: A slightly alternate universe from the original Red Dwarf series where Lister and Rimmer got together as a couple rather than completely disliking each other.
AUTHORESS' NOTE: Anyone who has seen the majority of Red Dwarf ( Read more... )
First of all, I think you have a good handle on the core of the characters, which is one of the most important things, IMO. Rimmer wanting to read Lister's diary more urgently than he wants to have sex - totally in character. And Lister kissing Rimmer before going into stasis just to torture him (and not realizing the concequences this would have) - not only totally in character, but inspired! I applaud you!
I also think you've gotten Lister's spirit across quite well in the diary excerpts. I'm not sure if he'd write quite so much though; Lister doesn't seem the type to write or read much. I'm just not sure he'd be up to writing that much. Even if I wasn't harboring a small crush on him to begin with (see earlier pages) I'd have a ton of fun torturing him with this little detail.) is a perfect example; I love what you've done here - the "see earlier pages" thing is very Dwarfian... but would he write it out so eloquently? Hm...
As much as I adore the idea of Rimmer writing little hearts in his diary and admitting his love for Lister there... It doesn't quite work for me. Rimmer doesn't strike me as the sort of person who would be aware enough of his own feelings to even realize he felt for Lister in the first place, much less express those feelings, even on paper.
Another thing I noticed was that Rimmer and Lister's speech patterns don't always sound British, or like themselves. My git of a bunkmate is totally gone on me. - this sounded off to me. If this is a British term, then I stand corrected, but again, it sounded off to me. Another example would be Rimmer's: “I could totally get back at you for constantly reading my diary!” - the "totally" sounds off here.
Admittedly I was sort of pissed when I found out.
"Pissed" in British English means "drunk." Of course, given that we're talking about Lister here, that might not be that far off. ;) Still, if you mean angry, you need to say "pissed off".
You use a few explitives, which is fine. However, you might consider exchaning some of them for "smeg." I realize they did that in the show to get around censorship, but it gives a flavor to the speech patterns that you would do well to emulate.
“I have hard light technology now!”
Rimmer's hard light drive is usually referred to as such in the show, not "hard light technology." It seems to me he'd be more likely to say "I'm hard light now!" Or something similar. That's just a thought though.
“Oh my god... You GOIT! How is it you can insult my throughout the entire entry and leave me feeling so unbelievably fantastic?”
I'm not sure I could ever see Rimmer as that enthusiastic or positive... if Lister managed to turn him around, then good - but IMO that would take some doing.
Erm... OK! I've rambled on. Sorry for that; but I did enjoy the story, and I hope my comments were of some use to you.
- Kat
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And Lister kissing Rimmer before going into stasis just to torture him (and not realizing the concequences this would have) - not only totally in character, but inspired! I applaud you!
Admittedly I thought it was too xD
... but would he write it out so eloquently? Hm...
the diary was giving me a hard time actually. I wasn't sure how to get across what I wanted to get across and make it still be... Lister-y. I would however like to point out that a lot of people aren't eloquently verbally but can practically write Grade A essays in their sleep. So I don't think it'd be TOO far a stretch...
And no offense to Lister, but I have a hard time dumbing down my writing that far sometimes.
As much as I adore the idea of Rimmer writing little hearts in his diary and admitting his love for Lister there...etc
Yeah... I agree... but I sort of envisioned lots of previous diary entries where he was working it out. In any case, the whole idea of the scribbled hearts was just too cute for me to pass up, though I did see the out of characterness of the act itself.
@ all the comments on speech patterns and stuff - I'm not inherently British, and despite my love for lots of British comedies I just don't have all the speech pattern and slang down properly. It happens. And as this was my first attempt at writing it I'll take all critique into consideration but ask for leeway in future writing anyway
"Pissed" in British English means "drunk." Of course, given that we're talking about Lister here, that might not be that far off. ;)
Ehh.. how about we can read it either way xD
I was going to say 'ticked' but that didn't really sound right, so I said pissed instead and momentarily forgot that it also meant 'drunk' in British slang xD
I've actually heard it referred to in later seasons as 'hard light technology' I can't recall the exact episode it was in, but I'm fairly certain it was there... meh, if not changing it does not seem like that big a deal. I'll make note to reference it differently next time.
I'm not sure I could ever see Rimmer as that enthusiastic or positive... Now... this is one of the fundamental differences between the canon universe and the only just slightly altered universe that I've decided to use in my fanfiction. You see, by this time in my drabbles Lister and Rimmer have been in a romantic relationship for.. umm... What season did Rimmer get that Hard Light Drive? 6ish years. He will have changed just a bit, under Lister's influence no doubt, but a little on his own simply because he's happier.
Therefore he's allowed to be a little positive and enthuiastic I feel xD
Thank you for the critique! And I don't mind rambling xD
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I would however like to point out that a lot of people aren't eloquently verbally but can practically write Grade A essays in their sleep
Oh, certainly! Perhaps I phrased that badly; my point was that I think Lister IS eloquent verbally - he's just not much of a writer. Both in terms of spelling, etc. (as in my icon), but also in terms of just not wanting to bother. I do see your point about this being difficult to get across in fic. What I would do in such a case would just allow the reader to see short snippets - for example by having Rimmer read the diary (silently), and reading certain segments aloud from time to time. Like:
Rimmer's eyes raced across the page. His eyebrows danced in complicated patterns to match his expanding and contracting nostrils; from time to time, he choked on what might have been a laugh, or perhaps a dismissive snort.
I dunno whuz wrong with me? I must be off my goited head!! This was underlined three times, and a few more words down the line were crossed out. (For example.)
As for the BrE vs AmE corrections - please don't think I was suggesting you should know everything about a language form that is not your own! I am merely pointing out such mistakes as I could find, so that you will be aware of them next time. :)
And positive!Rimmer... Well, yes. Heee. Here's the thing; I'm no Rimmer expert. However, my writing partner, roadstergal, writes the best damn Rimmer I've ever seen anywhere outside canon. And while I could see Rimmer getting more comfortable, your Rimmer is way beyond what I'm used to seeing. But that's a variation, and variation is what fanfic is all about, no?
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Well, I'm a naturally paranoid person, so feel free to just have at next time xD
I think Lister IS eloquent verbally - he's just not much of a writer. interesting how I think just the opposite... I guess it's all just how you look at it. I'm confidant that middle ground shall be reached as my writing progresses though.
What I would do in such a case would just allow the reader to see short snippets - for example by having Rimmer read the diary (silently), and reading certain segments aloud from time to time.
I wanted to do something like that, but I felt I would rather have just put the whole entry in there instead rather than Rimmer's reactions and things mostly because I have lots of stuff involving Rimmer later down the line planned and so very little Lister. And I wanted to get the mutual feeling of the two clearly stated and out of the way to make room for actual plot (and smut) somewhere down the line since I'm weird like that. The diary entry was supposed to be the center of this piece anyway, not including the whole thing would've seemed remiss to me.
As for the BrE vs AmE corrections - I am merely pointing out such mistakes as I could find, so that you will be aware of them next time. :)
As any good critic should. I just have the impulse to justify myself all the time xD
And I like positive Rimmer! Rimmer needs to be more happy. Whenever I think canon Rimmer what pops into my head is that "As You Wish" AR game where he just can't accept anything nice happening to him. I don't like it. MORE HAPPY RIMMER PLZ!! So yeah, Happy Rimmer xD
One of the stories planned down the line is a thing where they bump into canon Dwarf... heeh, we'll see the actual Rimmer there, I'm more or less confidant I can pull him off hitchlessly.
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