Story excerpt
I'm writing a .... story that I hope will one day make it to comic book form (I'm not very hopeful of this just yet, but you never know) and I've typed out a little excerpt from it that I want opinions on.
I'm not gonna give away the storyline just yet (I've posted it in 5 different places on the internet, I just don't feel like reiterating it right now) I just want an opinion along the lines of:
1. Does it sound interesting at all?
2. Is it easy to read? Not painful to the eyes or brain etc....
3. Do you want me to post more of it?
Hannah shifted her book bag again in an attempt to make it more comfortable on her shoulders. She'd had so much homework to catch up on that she had had to take all her books home with her over the weekend. She paused and stretched her back out a bit before continuing to walk to school.
“YEAH Dad, I get it, alright?” a girl with tanned skin and purple-ish hair yelled out of a house backwards, swinging her book bag onto her shoulders.
“Well have a nice day anyhow,” the girl's (presumed) father called out from the doorway. A chibi poked out from between his shins and waved too.
The girl turned around and rushed into the sidewalk - where she ran into Hannah and sent both of them crashing to the ground. The girl was able to get up first because she book bag was nearly empty.
“I'm so sorry! I wasn't paying attention,” she said as she got up and tried to give Hannah a helping hand.
“And now that we have assured ourselves that gravity does infact still work hopefully we can get on with out day.” Hannah replied sarcastically from the ground. She slid the book bag off of her back and sat up straight. Hannah looked up at the girl and quirked an eyebrow. She'd never seen purple hair on a human, she wondered vaguely if she could get hair dye that color too. She took the girl's hand and stood up. “It's all right. I wasn't really paying any attention to where I was going either, I don't usually have to.” Hannah said, finally actually replying to the girl. The purple haired girl giggled.
“You're really funny, I wish I had that sort of wit - the... the gravity thing I mean, it was funny.” the girl said, feeling incredibly lame in doing so.
Hannah hefted her book bag back onto her shoulder. “Yeah, I'm sure.... uh, who did you say you were again?” she asked, adjusted her book bag, in hopes of being somewhat comfortable.
“Oh.... I didn't. April, April Ross.”
“Hannah Overton, pleased to meet you I guess. Do walk with me, I'm already behind my schedule. So, you're going to the high school right?” Hannah said as she started to walk.
“Um, yeah - Freshman year in fact,” April said as she started walking too.
“Oh, I'm a Junior.”
“Does that mean I won't be seeing much of you then?” April asked.
“What, you mean you want to? We just met and I've been nothing but sarcastic.” Hannah replied, genuinely surprised that the girl was sticking around at all.
“Well... it's just that I just moved into town and I don't know anyone - and you obviously take the same route to school as I do...” April replied.
“Oh.... well that as good a reason as any I suppose. When I get to know you a little more I'll set you up with some friends that are a little more your stripe.” Hannah replied.
“Oh... um, thanks.” April replied dully, a bit confused as to what Hannah meant by that. She had to assume that it meant that Hannah did not really want to hang out with her and was just being polite, and she wasn't far from the truth.
I'm not gonna give away the storyline just yet (I've posted it in 5 different places on the internet, I just don't feel like reiterating it right now) I just want an opinion along the lines of:
1. Does it sound interesting at all?
2. Is it easy to read? Not painful to the eyes or brain etc....
3. Do you want me to post more of it?
Hannah shifted her book bag again in an attempt to make it more comfortable on her shoulders. She'd had so much homework to catch up on that she had had to take all her books home with her over the weekend. She paused and stretched her back out a bit before continuing to walk to school.
“YEAH Dad, I get it, alright?” a girl with tanned skin and purple-ish hair yelled out of a house backwards, swinging her book bag onto her shoulders.
“Well have a nice day anyhow,” the girl's (presumed) father called out from the doorway. A chibi poked out from between his shins and waved too.
The girl turned around and rushed into the sidewalk - where she ran into Hannah and sent both of them crashing to the ground. The girl was able to get up first because she book bag was nearly empty.
“I'm so sorry! I wasn't paying attention,” she said as she got up and tried to give Hannah a helping hand.
“And now that we have assured ourselves that gravity does infact still work hopefully we can get on with out day.” Hannah replied sarcastically from the ground. She slid the book bag off of her back and sat up straight. Hannah looked up at the girl and quirked an eyebrow. She'd never seen purple hair on a human, she wondered vaguely if she could get hair dye that color too. She took the girl's hand and stood up. “It's all right. I wasn't really paying any attention to where I was going either, I don't usually have to.” Hannah said, finally actually replying to the girl. The purple haired girl giggled.
“You're really funny, I wish I had that sort of wit - the... the gravity thing I mean, it was funny.” the girl said, feeling incredibly lame in doing so.
Hannah hefted her book bag back onto her shoulder. “Yeah, I'm sure.... uh, who did you say you were again?” she asked, adjusted her book bag, in hopes of being somewhat comfortable.
“Oh.... I didn't. April, April Ross.”
“Hannah Overton, pleased to meet you I guess. Do walk with me, I'm already behind my schedule. So, you're going to the high school right?” Hannah said as she started to walk.
“Um, yeah - Freshman year in fact,” April said as she started walking too.
“Oh, I'm a Junior.”
“Does that mean I won't be seeing much of you then?” April asked.
“What, you mean you want to? We just met and I've been nothing but sarcastic.” Hannah replied, genuinely surprised that the girl was sticking around at all.
“Well... it's just that I just moved into town and I don't know anyone - and you obviously take the same route to school as I do...” April replied.
“Oh.... well that as good a reason as any I suppose. When I get to know you a little more I'll set you up with some friends that are a little more your stripe.” Hannah replied.
“Oh... um, thanks.” April replied dully, a bit confused as to what Hannah meant by that. She had to assume that it meant that Hannah did not really want to hang out with her and was just being polite, and she wasn't far from the truth.