don't say goodbye, you are my everything to me
life
junsu-centric & ot5, g, angst
1185 w.
i wrote this crying because of junsu's tweets, so a lot of emotion was probably carried into this. i hope you like because i haven't updated for a long time & i'd really love to hear your opinion on this since it's my first junsu-centric (or member-centric) fic. quotebacks would be lovely c: do tell me if anything is out of place, because this is unbetaed. stay strong; they'll be back one day. happy mirotic day. ♥
junsu contemplates life.
lies. every thing is a lie, junsu thinks as he stares at red and orange seep into the sky. he stretches his hand out, trying to grasp onto a wisp of cloud, trying to grasp onto something real for a long time in a while now but everything slips past his fingers like breeze and he feels helpless. he feels like he can’t hold onto the memories, the happiness, the love. sometimes, junsu wonders if he is a fool, someone who makes the wrong decisions at the wrong times.
life is like chess, he thinks. once you make a wrong move, you can’t go back. is that where they are now? are they just chess pieces, waiting to be manipulated by the unknown, waiting to be separated from each other from fixed formation? are they making the wrong move with every step they take? the questions shoot at him like a gun, the bullets lodging themselves in his heart. sometimes, junsu wants to know the answers to these.
some days, junsu likes to sit in front of a window in the middle of the night, just listening to random songs that he has on his ipod on shuffle. he doesn’t control the music, he just listens to any tune that comes on, even if it’s something that reminds him of things that he may not want to think of. sometimes, their old songs would come on and he’d smile at the perfect harmony. he’d think back at the times that they’d recorded music together, composed songs together, sang just for the sake of singing and he’d smile, genuinely. and when he does, he feels different. he feels alive. he feels like he’s gone back in time, back to when they were five again.
(i wish time would rewind to when we were happy again, he writes on a piece of manuscript. i wish you would come back to me.)
sometimes, junsu doesn’t want to be reminded of the past. he wants to look forward, move on, escape. then his eyes would sweep past the photo frame he set on his desk and these thoughts would disappear. they are like piano keys, he thinks. like melody and harmony, inseparable; like black and white, classic; like music, never-fading, yet ever-changing.
peace and quiet. sometimes, it’s too quiet. it’s so silent that it scares him, how empty the world is without them. his thoughts are a mess, a jumble of bits and pieces from the past, a clutter of emotions.
on days like these, he’d let his thoughts wander. he remembers the day he was admitted into the hospital when they were overseas. he remembers the warmth from jaejoong’s hand as it held onto his own sweaty palm, he remembers the shirt jaejoong was wearing (the one he had stolen from yunho’s closet before they left, the one yunho wore in tokyo dome), he remembers the words jaejoong whispered in his ears as they drove him to the hospital (“dong bang shin ki, hwaiting. do you remember this, junsu-yah? how we’d always leave you out for fun?” jaejoong chokes on his words, “xiah junsu, fighting. you’ll be okay. hyung’s here.”)
(teach me how to love, he scribbles. teach me how to say i’m sorry.)
because you’re my melody, he hums, as the song plays. it’s your love, on and on. regret creeps up his heart as he thinks of the songs they never had opportunity to perform, as he tries to make up for lost time. is it too late now?
(will you forgive me? can we ever go back to where we were? or is this just wishful thinking, he mocks himself for being so foolish as the syllables land on the paper.)
someone once asked him what dong bang shin ki meant to him. he couldn’t find a way to define it, because there were too many levels of meaning to the term - members, friends, family. soulmates, best buddies, brothers. then, he simply smiled and said, “it is what i am. my world, my life. sometimes i feel that we were born to be together.” maybe this is what love looks like. maybe this is what love sounds like.
(maybe this is what love is. more notes form as junsu sings along. this is love because you are here.)
and occasionally, junsu would suffer from bouts of insomnia. he’d listen to soothing music, talk to himself, even count giraffes as they jumped over a brick wall and they would work, usually. but tonight, they just wouldn’t work their magic. looking at the calendar, he realises that three years ago, they huddled together on the sofa in their dormitory, praying that their album would be well-received, that they wouldn’t disappoint, that cassiopeia would find it all worthwhile to wait for them for a year and seven months. he’s reminded that three years ago, they had won the ‘best album award’ on the mnet km music festival. it was one of his fondest memories that year, because he got to tease changmin for crying, but the most important thing was that their efforts had all paid off. he recalls the amount of relief in his heart when he heard their name being announced, he recalls the pride that surged through him. he recalls the strain in yunho’s voice (“actually, after we came back after a year and seven months, we were very worried. therefore, we tried as hard as we could." they were all afraid that they had been forgotten, like autumn leaves being swept away, the crimson hues fading in a secluded corner.)
don’t say goodbye, you are the only one for me. you are my love, you are my soul. don’t say goodbye, don’t leave me now. because you are my everything to me. mist fogs the window pane and he paints a ‘w’ on the moist. then he realises that it was never meant to be like this. they were meant to be together, not apart. he realises that every smile, every tear, every single drop of sweat and blood that he had shed, they built him to be what he is today - strong, faithful, just like the promises that the five of them had made to their fans. sometimes, jaejoong would tell him, promises are like glass - thin and fragile - but junsu thinks that promises signify love and are beautiful.
(i can’t let you go. let’s keep that promise of eternity, junsu smiles. “your smile’s like sunshine, you know that, junsu-yah? thank you for always being our sun, our sun junsu,” yoochun once said, beaming. your smile is like the sun, yoochun, not mine, junsu thinks.)
life is like haze, and sometimes, when we may not be able to see through the blur, we may stumble and falter in our steps. but life can be like light, just like the stars in the sky, brilliant and everlasting. just like cassiopeia, junsu thinks. just like dong bang shin ki.
and he makes a wish that night: one day, please bring us back together, to where we were, to who we are. dong bang shin ki.