can't help but feel i've been wronged - on being non-asian in a typically asian fandom
Just a rant. Personal narrative about being non-asian in an asian fandom from the western side of the spectrum, anger... read at your own risk? :|
When you get into the Korean music (or various subcatagories of Japanese- and Chinese-music fandoms,) you notice something in society you wouldn't have otherwise. Now, by this I mean something OTHER than the fact that;
1) Hot-damn that asian boy is eons hotter than that Ameri-Canadian boy.
2) Hot-damn that asian boy can sing better than that Ameri-Canadian boy.
3) Hot-damn that asian boy can dance better than that Ameri-Canadian boy.
4) Hot-damn overall these asian boys are more talented than these Ameri-Canadian boys.
5) Hot-damn that asian boy is more polite than that Ameri-Canadian boy.
6) Hot-damn that asian boy isn't afraid of wearing/or being what is traditionally feminine clothing or behaviorisms and somehow that makes him so much more comfortable with his masculinity and therefore, somehow, manlier than that Ameri-Canadian boy.
7) Hot-damn that asian boy has a ridiculous amount of respect for those other asian boys that are older than him as opposed to that Ameri-Canadian boy and the other, older Ameri-Canadian boys.
8) Hot-damn these lyrics by this asian boy are somehow deeper and less explicit and yet so much better than the what is defined as "superior" market of the Ameri-Canadian boy.
9) Hot-damn that asian boy had to go so much more than that Ameri-Canadian boy did to become famous in what is defined as a somehow "less superior" entertainment industry. (and, for the sake of continuity: the Ameri-Canadian boy.)
and finally;
10) Hot-damn can I have one of those asian boys?
What I mean - what this post is about - is that racism (something that people almost obnoxiously are against and refuse to be likened or contributed to) is still very much alive. You notice that, somehow, underneath all this talk of liberation! and equality! and tolerance!, we're still just a bunch of monkeys throwing rocks at minorities. That people, though they will deny they feel linked to a right that allows them to be openly racist, will defend that right to the grave when it's threatened.
I am not talking about the KKK, or white supremists, or "the Blue Vein Society", or historical or political figures such as Charles Lindbergh and Jesse Helms and Al Sharpton and Hilter, or people who feel they need to personify these historical figures, and believe and value their idealisms. I'm strictly not talking about bigots. I'm talking about average, everyday non-racists, who focus on getting by, by getting by. I'm talking about people who support cultural and racial liberation, people who are against the major racial-wars and for freedom of Black slaves. People who would rather die than see something like the holocaust happen again. Average, everyday citizens. What you - what I - notice how flawed their thinking can be.
Because it's not casual acceptance or mild interested I am greeted with when someone steps into my room, and glances around at the various posters sporting names like 동방신기 and Clazziquai. It is not a gentle nod of the head or calm remark i recieve when I'm listening to hide, or Epik High, or OLIVIA. People do not smile and look "okay with that" when I'm watching a movie with Bae Doona in it, or rocking out to some oldschool H.O.T or Miho Nakayama or X-JAPAN or SHINHWA. Believe me, if those were any of the reactions I was used to getting, I wouldn't constantly feel like I can't talk about what I'm "into," or hide it, or feel self-concious when someone new comes over. I wouldn't constantly be worried of the rude comments, or teasing, or wary glances that come with saying, "OH YEAH, I LISTEN TO SUPER JUNIOR - THEY'RE A THIRTEEN MEMBER KOREAN BOYBAND." Instead, I'm well acquanted with this reaction: the, "oh-my-god-you-are-a-freak-get-away-from-me" face, followed by a wary, "Oh yeah?" and adversion of the topic.
Or, famously, I get this:
"Hm. They eat dog."
"Oh. Well. You should listen to (insert any combination of the Jonas Brothers or Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears and Beyonce) - they're better."
"What is this shit? Chinese?!"
"Do you just listen to that because you want to be different?"
"Oh so you're one of those anime MAIN-KA people?"
"Are you going to marry a Jap/Chink?"
"You seriously think that guys attractive? Pwah - but he's got a small dick!"
"Well the beats okay - I wish they'd just speak English, though."
"That's dumb. Why?"
Yes. Because I am built on a subconcious want to rebel against all social norms. Because I love these genres of music so that must mean by default that I'm in love with manga, manhwa, and anime. Because, I base all of my relationships off of the size of my potential partners anatomy - and you know what? They DO eat dog, and so do I! I fucking LOVE the stuff! You have a chihuahua you say? Those go GREAT with soy sauce and rice!
It's comments like these that revolve mostly around ignorance, and racist beliefs people don't even know they have. Before fandom, I had no idea how prevelant the use of terms like Jap, or Chink were. I didn't notice how freely people say things like "Oh, that's chinky," or, "lol but that's because you're asian." Oh, I'm sorry, but in what world is something like nationality a direct cause and effect? In what world is Korea, China? I didn't think about all those little times in my life that even I had thought, "Well, this is stupid, why aren't they speaking English?"
Wanting someone to speak English because you speak English has a name. It's called white priviledge. White priviledge is a way of conceptualizing racial inequalities that focuses as much on the advantages that whites accrue as on the disadvantages that people of color experience. This isn't overt, such as racism or prejudices. White priviledge is a tiny, eensy weeny little part of you that says being you, being "white," is normal. It's that little part of you that makes you feel uncomfortable as the only "white" in a room full of "non-whites." It's that part of you that thinks "nude" or "skin-colour" is a pale, peachy-pink. It's that part of you that thinks any song, or movie, or TVshow, or drama, or personal conversation would be better - would benefit - from being in English.
I'm focusing on caucasians here, which, you know, I'm probably doing because I am white. I know from friends that being black, and greek, and latino, and indian, and hispanic in this fandom is hard as well. I know from other friends that even being an asian fan of a group, actor/actress, talent, idol, or band that is also "asian" but not "your asian" is difficult. I know that a person of any ethnicity stepping into a room filled with people of another ethnicity may feel uncomfortable, or out of place. But speaking from experience, I also know this:
When I first had the priviledge to shop in Vancouver, I was duely excited. Vancouver is a multi-cultural, major city that offers what is, to me, a paradise in terms of uselss knicknacks and junk I would never want or have the opportunity to own otherwise. It is a city that is commonly known to those who do not live there as "Hong-couver." In Vancouver, there is a mall called Metrotown that is incredibly popular. When first there, I couldn't help but stare at all the pretty asians walking around, sashaying and stumbling and gliding in their own personal patterns. I was enthralled. Growing up in a somewhat large however in some aspects "hick-ish" town, the only asians I had really seen in person were the ones in Chinese food resturants and at the University. Seeing one out of these perimeters had me gaping like a fish, as if saying, "Hey! What are you doing here!? I see no spring rolls!"
(This one time when I was like, ten-ish, I saw a Japanese guy at an Indian resturant and I almost asked him what he was doing there. Upon further inspection, I realized that I, also, was not Indian.)
Seeing all these asians running around Metrotown was exciting - interesting and shiny and new. However, kitty-corner to Mertotown (an almost literal hop skip and jump away) is the Crystal Mall. The Crystal Mall is an entirely asian shopping center, with stores ranging from clothing to take-out to entertainment to vehical maintnence to boutiques to travel to home appliance, imports, and toilets.
I didn't feel the instant spurt of realization. I wasn't suddenly aware of myself and my ethnicity. In this environment, I almost didn't notice what I had been fascinated with in Metrotown.
I was shopping with my cousin, and we were commenting on how polite and and attractive most of the people we saw were, when it dawned on us: we were the only white people there. And we said so, unabashedly. We were really the only white people there. But that wasn't it - we were the only non-asian people there (save for our parents and this one latino guy carrying a toaster.) Then, I was amazed with it. Now? I feel almost stupid for being so focused on that fact.
So what if I was one of the only non-asians there? Why was I so amazed at being a minority? Globally, white's are a minority, aren't they? Then why is it so surprising when we realize it?
I think it has something to do with white priviledge, and the fact that, even if I am part of a minorty, I am treated as if I'm the majority. And in a country that is more or less mostly caucasian, why would I feel any different?
Canada is supposed to be multi-cultural. To those of you who are not Canadian, I am telling you with certainty now that being multi-cultural is something we're taught in school - taught to grip onto and be proud of. In school, I was made to do project after project to aware myself and others about the diversity of ethnicity in my country - make flow charts and poster boards about how, even though I was Canadian, I was Finnish and German too, and how I should be proud of that. I had teachers who would have each of us students write reports about our heritage, what it means to us and our families - what it means for Canada. But at the same time, I was being told by media and the local demographic that that wasn't so. That, yes, you're white, and because you're white, you should listen to white music, and watch white television. I've had teachers tell me directly that they expect me to succeed in certain classes just because I'm white, as opposed to the dominant population of Native American's in the classroom. I was being raised by a heirarchy of white teachers and doctors and parents and peers. I was being raised in a society where all surrounding social strata was white. Even my toys were white. And it took me a long, hard time of self reflection and meditation to realize that my foundation was wrong.
Canada is not multicultural, and nuts to everyone who says otherwise, because when you look at it in numbers, only 16% of the population is "ethnic." (I want to just say now that I avoid using the term "race" for it's historical roots. Check it out if you have time.) "Multiculturalism" in Canada is not only perfidious - it's an illusion that needs to die. Institutionalized racism in Canada exists just as much as it does in any other country out there - it's mandated. Canada locks out people of colour in terms of position of power, high skilled job positions, and force people from other countries with the credentials and ability to be in said high skilled jobs into low skilled positions as a substitute. This is the "Canadian dream." Though Aboriginalism is celebrated - though nationality is celebrated - yearly in the giant events we host in my city, the First Nations are still treated harshly. Racism is in the framework of our society. Canadians are just as racist as Americans, and it's impossible to deny it, what with all the comments like, "I can't walk down town without worrying about the natives," and "that bag is way too chinky for me."
I just want to note that "whites" are not homogeneous. I'm realizing that's how I'm sounding, but it isn't so. /snapsnap.
The point to all this useless floundering is this: so what if I like asian culture? So what if I'm interested in Korea and Japan, whether it be their food, education, entertainment, social codes and conduct, or politics? So what if I want to learn Korean, and have learned a marginal amount of Japanese? So what if I want to jump JaeJoong and know the dance to Tell Me? This is a multicultural country, right? Then why does it come across as surprising to you that I'm expressing interest in another culture?
I am tired of having to explain and excuse and apologize to people for liking what I like. I am fed up with the amount of people who tease me about my studies, tell people I'm learning "chinese" - am introduced as "Jess, the-girl-who-likes-asians." If I have one more person look at me and feel that my intelligence, personality, and morals are somehow of a lesser value or are insignificant because I like chinese boybands, I am going to shoot someone. Because, you know what? That isn't me. I am not the "girl-who-likes-asians." I'm not. I know the "girl-who-likes-asians," and she likes to pretend she's Naruto. That is not me. I hate that people think that, just because I listen to this or watch this, I am suddenly only interested in asia and that is their reference point for future conversations and Heeeey, what's going on in North Korea? Why are people only allowed one baby in China? Isn't Japan, like, where they speak Chinese?
So I don't talk about it. I don't talk about it, because I can not longer handle people who are ignorant, who look at me, doe-eyed and innocent, and tell me that Koreans eat kittens and snakes, and have tiny penises, and drink blood out of monkey skulls. And I find comfort in online communities on livejournal and crunchroll where people can relate to what I feel, and like what I like, and don't feel strangely about it. I become close friends with people that live thousands of miles away, because people here can't get passed a band I listen to - they are blocked, and they refuse to be unblocked. And I am pretty goddamn surprised when someone I have come to trust, and confide in, and doesn't feel what I'm interseted in makes me strange, turns to me and says something that reminds me just how out of the Euro-centric loop I am.
This is the reason of this post - that recently, a friend of my moms - a friend of mine - turned to me and T (probably one of my only close physical friends,) and said something so completely malicious that I haven't been able to sleep for days thinking about it.
I've been in this fandom for years - almost a decade. I've gotten people slackjawed telling me why whites are better than non-whites, I've had my share of drugged-up supremists who think Japanese people can't rock - I've even put up with the occasional unabashed, violent racist. I have, and I'm used to this, it's old news.
T is not. She's been listening to "asian" music for, what, four years? She's still feeling out the borders, getting used to the opposition that's on the other side. More importantly, T is my baby. I love her to tiny fragmented, impossibly small bits, and I would never want to see her harmed. And that is exaclty what this did.
We confide in eachother. We cope and move and deal with the intolerance of the people around us. We relate to eachother over Yoochun's lost.missing? nipple - we talk for hours about the merits of G-Dragons solo album. And so this person - this "friend" - looked at us and said,
When you two play Tibet, who's the Dhali Lama?
Okay. Let's discuss what is wrong with this statement;
1) Most obviously - I do not listen to Tibetan music, or watch Tibetan dramas. I'm not even sure if there are Tibetan dramas.
2) Not only is this racist, but it's entirely rude. Play Tibet? What is that supposed to mean? Do you honestly think we dress up in chubas and have a mock Losar festival?
3) It is a blatant disregard to the troubles going on in Tibet now, as with the Chiense government and censorship.
4) "Dhali Lama" implies that us being intersted in Korea, Japan, and China makes us part of a "sect."
Yes I am reading into this. But that, up there, 1-4? That has nothing to do with why this hurts so much.
What hurts about this, is that I am constantly being ostracized for something that is ludicrously trivial. I am constantly being pushed outside of groups, teased, bullied, bugged, beraded and critisized for something as little as listening to a band that isn't singing in my first language. And even if I pretend it doesn't bother me, that doesn't make it hurt any less - that doesn't mean I'm not nervous when a topic such as my music tastes comes up. That doesn't mean I don't have friends that don't even know I listen to music that isn't English. That doesn't mean I don't downplay how much I like these bands to some people, worry incesantly about something that shouldn't matter, or sit tightlipped and accept people blowing up in my face for something that honestly has nothing to do with them. I have to censor myself. Isn't that insane? I have to censor myself, so that someone around me won't decide that I'm not smart, or interesting, or respectable.
Comments like these rip opened old wounds. And if I could have laughed it off, that possibility died when T started crying.
So here I am, ranting about white privilege and fandom and existance and JaeJoong's beauitful belly. Because this comment has been swirling in my mind for a week now. Because, I haven't been able to sleep at night without stressing about it - haven't been able to eat without it being on my mind, because this person said what she said and didn't feel there was anything wrong with it. And my mother - my own mother - didn't defend me when I was down and hurt and being kicked. Because my mother reprimanded me afterwards for being rude to this woman after she said what she said. If this comment wasn't offensive to me personally, or T, personally, then it would still be offensive. There is nothing that is not offensive about it. And me, being someone who likes to defend minority groups, likes to point out things that are offensive and try to stop using terms and phrases and worn-out idealisms that are harsh (i.e. the useage of "homo," "gay," and "retarded" as adjectives to define something that is stupid, boring, or non-mainstream) to avoid hurting people around me, hearing something like this said as a joke is not okay. There are jokes, and then there are things that are just malicious. This is one of those things.
So I've turned this phrase over and over in my head, looked at in everyway possible, imagined people saying it different ways with different facial and tonal expressions...
When you two play Tibet, who's the Dhali Lama?
When you two play Tibet, who's the Dhali Lama?
When you two play Tibet, who's the Dhali Lama?
When you two play Tibet, who's the Dhali Lama?
When you two play Tibet, who's the Dhali Lama?
...and then I thought that maybe my mother was right - maybe, I'm too offendable, too defensive. Maybe, I really shouldn't be offended. Maybe, I don't have that luxury to my name.
When you two play Tibet, who's the Dhali Lama?
When you two play Tibet, who's the Dhali Lama?
When you two play Tibet, who's the Dhali Lama?
...only to realize that I can't not be upset by this. I can't. I've tried. For years I've tried not to be upset by this shit, and I can't. And I can't understand how someone can say something like this and think they have done nothing wrong. No one obtains the super power to hurt another human being and have them be fine with it. I don't care who you are, I don't care what you represent - if I can not express my deepest, most offensive thoughts to you, and have you not feel you possess the right to be upset by it, then you should not be able to do so to me. If you can be offended, I should be allowed to be offended also. This is personal - this digs in and burns and twists and hurts. This only further proves to me that I was right in my assumption that people are ignorant, that Canada is not multicultural, and that I should hide who I am - bury it, deep in hidden in myself, so no one can take it and point it out. Comments like this tell me that I should present myself as something lesser than me, to avoid being segregated with comments like this.
But the trouble is - I can't do that. It is stressful, and painful, and exhausting. Constantly keeping myself in check is exhausting. And if I have to put with someones closed-minded cracks about Yesungs anatomy, then they should have to put up with my want for diversity in my life.
And if that can't happen, then, well, I suppose I could always go eat dog with the chinks.
When you get into the Korean music (or various subcatagories of Japanese- and Chinese-music fandoms,) you notice something in society you wouldn't have otherwise. Now, by this I mean something OTHER than the fact that;
1) Hot-damn that asian boy is eons hotter than that Ameri-Canadian boy.
2) Hot-damn that asian boy can sing better than that Ameri-Canadian boy.
3) Hot-damn that asian boy can dance better than that Ameri-Canadian boy.
4) Hot-damn overall these asian boys are more talented than these Ameri-Canadian boys.
5) Hot-damn that asian boy is more polite than that Ameri-Canadian boy.
6) Hot-damn that asian boy isn't afraid of wearing/or being what is traditionally feminine clothing or behaviorisms and somehow that makes him so much more comfortable with his masculinity and therefore, somehow, manlier than that Ameri-Canadian boy.
7) Hot-damn that asian boy has a ridiculous amount of respect for those other asian boys that are older than him as opposed to that Ameri-Canadian boy and the other, older Ameri-Canadian boys.
8) Hot-damn these lyrics by this asian boy are somehow deeper and less explicit and yet so much better than the what is defined as "superior" market of the Ameri-Canadian boy.
9) Hot-damn that asian boy had to go so much more than that Ameri-Canadian boy did to become famous in what is defined as a somehow "less superior" entertainment industry. (and, for the sake of continuity: the Ameri-Canadian boy.)
and finally;
10) Hot-damn can I have one of those asian boys?
What I mean - what this post is about - is that racism (something that people almost obnoxiously are against and refuse to be likened or contributed to) is still very much alive. You notice that, somehow, underneath all this talk of liberation! and equality! and tolerance!, we're still just a bunch of monkeys throwing rocks at minorities. That people, though they will deny they feel linked to a right that allows them to be openly racist, will defend that right to the grave when it's threatened.
I am not talking about the KKK, or white supremists, or "the Blue Vein Society", or historical or political figures such as Charles Lindbergh and Jesse Helms and Al Sharpton and Hilter, or people who feel they need to personify these historical figures, and believe and value their idealisms. I'm strictly not talking about bigots. I'm talking about average, everyday non-racists, who focus on getting by, by getting by. I'm talking about people who support cultural and racial liberation, people who are against the major racial-wars and for freedom of Black slaves. People who would rather die than see something like the holocaust happen again. Average, everyday citizens. What you - what I - notice how flawed their thinking can be.
Because it's not casual acceptance or mild interested I am greeted with when someone steps into my room, and glances around at the various posters sporting names like 동방신기 and Clazziquai. It is not a gentle nod of the head or calm remark i recieve when I'm listening to hide, or Epik High, or OLIVIA. People do not smile and look "okay with that" when I'm watching a movie with Bae Doona in it, or rocking out to some oldschool H.O.T or Miho Nakayama or X-JAPAN or SHINHWA. Believe me, if those were any of the reactions I was used to getting, I wouldn't constantly feel like I can't talk about what I'm "into," or hide it, or feel self-concious when someone new comes over. I wouldn't constantly be worried of the rude comments, or teasing, or wary glances that come with saying, "OH YEAH, I LISTEN TO SUPER JUNIOR - THEY'RE A THIRTEEN MEMBER KOREAN BOYBAND." Instead, I'm well acquanted with this reaction: the, "oh-my-god-you-are-a-freak-get-away-from-me" face, followed by a wary, "Oh yeah?" and adversion of the topic.
Or, famously, I get this:
"Hm. They eat dog."
"Oh. Well. You should listen to (insert any combination of the Jonas Brothers or Miley Cyrus and Britney Spears and Beyonce) - they're better."
"What is this shit? Chinese?!"
"Do you just listen to that because you want to be different?"
"Oh so you're one of those anime MAIN-KA people?"
"Are you going to marry a Jap/Chink?"
"You seriously think that guys attractive? Pwah - but he's got a small dick!"
"Well the beats okay - I wish they'd just speak English, though."
"That's dumb. Why?"
Yes. Because I am built on a subconcious want to rebel against all social norms. Because I love these genres of music so that must mean by default that I'm in love with manga, manhwa, and anime. Because, I base all of my relationships off of the size of my potential partners anatomy - and you know what? They DO eat dog, and so do I! I fucking LOVE the stuff! You have a chihuahua you say? Those go GREAT with soy sauce and rice!
It's comments like these that revolve mostly around ignorance, and racist beliefs people don't even know they have. Before fandom, I had no idea how prevelant the use of terms like Jap, or Chink were. I didn't notice how freely people say things like "Oh, that's chinky," or, "lol but that's because you're asian." Oh, I'm sorry, but in what world is something like nationality a direct cause and effect? In what world is Korea, China? I didn't think about all those little times in my life that even I had thought, "Well, this is stupid, why aren't they speaking English?"
Wanting someone to speak English because you speak English has a name. It's called white priviledge. White priviledge is a way of conceptualizing racial inequalities that focuses as much on the advantages that whites accrue as on the disadvantages that people of color experience. This isn't overt, such as racism or prejudices. White priviledge is a tiny, eensy weeny little part of you that says being you, being "white," is normal. It's that little part of you that makes you feel uncomfortable as the only "white" in a room full of "non-whites." It's that part of you that thinks "nude" or "skin-colour" is a pale, peachy-pink. It's that part of you that thinks any song, or movie, or TVshow, or drama, or personal conversation would be better - would benefit - from being in English.
I'm focusing on caucasians here, which, you know, I'm probably doing because I am white. I know from friends that being black, and greek, and latino, and indian, and hispanic in this fandom is hard as well. I know from other friends that even being an asian fan of a group, actor/actress, talent, idol, or band that is also "asian" but not "your asian" is difficult. I know that a person of any ethnicity stepping into a room filled with people of another ethnicity may feel uncomfortable, or out of place. But speaking from experience, I also know this:
When I first had the priviledge to shop in Vancouver, I was duely excited. Vancouver is a multi-cultural, major city that offers what is, to me, a paradise in terms of uselss knicknacks and junk I would never want or have the opportunity to own otherwise. It is a city that is commonly known to those who do not live there as "Hong-couver." In Vancouver, there is a mall called Metrotown that is incredibly popular. When first there, I couldn't help but stare at all the pretty asians walking around, sashaying and stumbling and gliding in their own personal patterns. I was enthralled. Growing up in a somewhat large however in some aspects "hick-ish" town, the only asians I had really seen in person were the ones in Chinese food resturants and at the University. Seeing one out of these perimeters had me gaping like a fish, as if saying, "Hey! What are you doing here!? I see no spring rolls!"
(This one time when I was like, ten-ish, I saw a Japanese guy at an Indian resturant and I almost asked him what he was doing there. Upon further inspection, I realized that I, also, was not Indian.)
Seeing all these asians running around Metrotown was exciting - interesting and shiny and new. However, kitty-corner to Mertotown (an almost literal hop skip and jump away) is the Crystal Mall. The Crystal Mall is an entirely asian shopping center, with stores ranging from clothing to take-out to entertainment to vehical maintnence to boutiques to travel to home appliance, imports, and toilets.
I didn't feel the instant spurt of realization. I wasn't suddenly aware of myself and my ethnicity. In this environment, I almost didn't notice what I had been fascinated with in Metrotown.
I was shopping with my cousin, and we were commenting on how polite and and attractive most of the people we saw were, when it dawned on us: we were the only white people there. And we said so, unabashedly. We were really the only white people there. But that wasn't it - we were the only non-asian people there (save for our parents and this one latino guy carrying a toaster.) Then, I was amazed with it. Now? I feel almost stupid for being so focused on that fact.
So what if I was one of the only non-asians there? Why was I so amazed at being a minority? Globally, white's are a minority, aren't they? Then why is it so surprising when we realize it?
I think it has something to do with white priviledge, and the fact that, even if I am part of a minorty, I am treated as if I'm the majority. And in a country that is more or less mostly caucasian, why would I feel any different?
Canada is supposed to be multi-cultural. To those of you who are not Canadian, I am telling you with certainty now that being multi-cultural is something we're taught in school - taught to grip onto and be proud of. In school, I was made to do project after project to aware myself and others about the diversity of ethnicity in my country - make flow charts and poster boards about how, even though I was Canadian, I was Finnish and German too, and how I should be proud of that. I had teachers who would have each of us students write reports about our heritage, what it means to us and our families - what it means for Canada. But at the same time, I was being told by media and the local demographic that that wasn't so. That, yes, you're white, and because you're white, you should listen to white music, and watch white television. I've had teachers tell me directly that they expect me to succeed in certain classes just because I'm white, as opposed to the dominant population of Native American's in the classroom. I was being raised by a heirarchy of white teachers and doctors and parents and peers. I was being raised in a society where all surrounding social strata was white. Even my toys were white. And it took me a long, hard time of self reflection and meditation to realize that my foundation was wrong.
Canada is not multicultural, and nuts to everyone who says otherwise, because when you look at it in numbers, only 16% of the population is "ethnic." (I want to just say now that I avoid using the term "race" for it's historical roots. Check it out if you have time.) "Multiculturalism" in Canada is not only perfidious - it's an illusion that needs to die. Institutionalized racism in Canada exists just as much as it does in any other country out there - it's mandated. Canada locks out people of colour in terms of position of power, high skilled job positions, and force people from other countries with the credentials and ability to be in said high skilled jobs into low skilled positions as a substitute. This is the "Canadian dream." Though Aboriginalism is celebrated - though nationality is celebrated - yearly in the giant events we host in my city, the First Nations are still treated harshly. Racism is in the framework of our society. Canadians are just as racist as Americans, and it's impossible to deny it, what with all the comments like, "I can't walk down town without worrying about the natives," and "that bag is way too chinky for me."
I just want to note that "whites" are not homogeneous. I'm realizing that's how I'm sounding, but it isn't so. /snapsnap.
The point to all this useless floundering is this: so what if I like asian culture? So what if I'm interested in Korea and Japan, whether it be their food, education, entertainment, social codes and conduct, or politics? So what if I want to learn Korean, and have learned a marginal amount of Japanese? So what if I want to jump JaeJoong and know the dance to Tell Me? This is a multicultural country, right? Then why does it come across as surprising to you that I'm expressing interest in another culture?
I am tired of having to explain and excuse and apologize to people for liking what I like. I am fed up with the amount of people who tease me about my studies, tell people I'm learning "chinese" - am introduced as "Jess, the-girl-who-likes-asians." If I have one more person look at me and feel that my intelligence, personality, and morals are somehow of a lesser value or are insignificant because I like chinese boybands, I am going to shoot someone. Because, you know what? That isn't me. I am not the "girl-who-likes-asians." I'm not. I know the "girl-who-likes-asians," and she likes to pretend she's Naruto. That is not me. I hate that people think that, just because I listen to this or watch this, I am suddenly only interested in asia and that is their reference point for future conversations and Heeeey, what's going on in North Korea? Why are people only allowed one baby in China? Isn't Japan, like, where they speak Chinese?
So I don't talk about it. I don't talk about it, because I can not longer handle people who are ignorant, who look at me, doe-eyed and innocent, and tell me that Koreans eat kittens and snakes, and have tiny penises, and drink blood out of monkey skulls. And I find comfort in online communities on livejournal and crunchroll where people can relate to what I feel, and like what I like, and don't feel strangely about it. I become close friends with people that live thousands of miles away, because people here can't get passed a band I listen to - they are blocked, and they refuse to be unblocked. And I am pretty goddamn surprised when someone I have come to trust, and confide in, and doesn't feel what I'm interseted in makes me strange, turns to me and says something that reminds me just how out of the Euro-centric loop I am.
This is the reason of this post - that recently, a friend of my moms - a friend of mine - turned to me and T (probably one of my only close physical friends,) and said something so completely malicious that I haven't been able to sleep for days thinking about it.
I've been in this fandom for years - almost a decade. I've gotten people slackjawed telling me why whites are better than non-whites, I've had my share of drugged-up supremists who think Japanese people can't rock - I've even put up with the occasional unabashed, violent racist. I have, and I'm used to this, it's old news.
T is not. She's been listening to "asian" music for, what, four years? She's still feeling out the borders, getting used to the opposition that's on the other side. More importantly, T is my baby. I love her to tiny fragmented, impossibly small bits, and I would never want to see her harmed. And that is exaclty what this did.
We confide in eachother. We cope and move and deal with the intolerance of the people around us. We relate to eachother over Yoochun's lost.missing? nipple - we talk for hours about the merits of G-Dragons solo album. And so this person - this "friend" - looked at us and said,
When you two play Tibet, who's the Dhali Lama?
Okay. Let's discuss what is wrong with this statement;
1) Most obviously - I do not listen to Tibetan music, or watch Tibetan dramas. I'm not even sure if there are Tibetan dramas.
2) Not only is this racist, but it's entirely rude. Play Tibet? What is that supposed to mean? Do you honestly think we dress up in chubas and have a mock Losar festival?
3) It is a blatant disregard to the troubles going on in Tibet now, as with the Chiense government and censorship.
4) "Dhali Lama" implies that us being intersted in Korea, Japan, and China makes us part of a "sect."
Yes I am reading into this. But that, up there, 1-4? That has nothing to do with why this hurts so much.
What hurts about this, is that I am constantly being ostracized for something that is ludicrously trivial. I am constantly being pushed outside of groups, teased, bullied, bugged, beraded and critisized for something as little as listening to a band that isn't singing in my first language. And even if I pretend it doesn't bother me, that doesn't make it hurt any less - that doesn't mean I'm not nervous when a topic such as my music tastes comes up. That doesn't mean I don't have friends that don't even know I listen to music that isn't English. That doesn't mean I don't downplay how much I like these bands to some people, worry incesantly about something that shouldn't matter, or sit tightlipped and accept people blowing up in my face for something that honestly has nothing to do with them. I have to censor myself. Isn't that insane? I have to censor myself, so that someone around me won't decide that I'm not smart, or interesting, or respectable.
Comments like these rip opened old wounds. And if I could have laughed it off, that possibility died when T started crying.
So here I am, ranting about white privilege and fandom and existance and JaeJoong's beauitful belly. Because this comment has been swirling in my mind for a week now. Because, I haven't been able to sleep at night without stressing about it - haven't been able to eat without it being on my mind, because this person said what she said and didn't feel there was anything wrong with it. And my mother - my own mother - didn't defend me when I was down and hurt and being kicked. Because my mother reprimanded me afterwards for being rude to this woman after she said what she said. If this comment wasn't offensive to me personally, or T, personally, then it would still be offensive. There is nothing that is not offensive about it. And me, being someone who likes to defend minority groups, likes to point out things that are offensive and try to stop using terms and phrases and worn-out idealisms that are harsh (i.e. the useage of "homo," "gay," and "retarded" as adjectives to define something that is stupid, boring, or non-mainstream) to avoid hurting people around me, hearing something like this said as a joke is not okay. There are jokes, and then there are things that are just malicious. This is one of those things.
So I've turned this phrase over and over in my head, looked at in everyway possible, imagined people saying it different ways with different facial and tonal expressions...
When you two play Tibet, who's the Dhali Lama?
When you two play Tibet, who's the Dhali Lama?
When you two play Tibet, who's the Dhali Lama?
When you two play Tibet, who's the Dhali Lama?
When you two play Tibet, who's the Dhali Lama?
...and then I thought that maybe my mother was right - maybe, I'm too offendable, too defensive. Maybe, I really shouldn't be offended. Maybe, I don't have that luxury to my name.
When you two play Tibet, who's the Dhali Lama?
When you two play Tibet, who's the Dhali Lama?
When you two play Tibet, who's the Dhali Lama?
...only to realize that I can't not be upset by this. I can't. I've tried. For years I've tried not to be upset by this shit, and I can't. And I can't understand how someone can say something like this and think they have done nothing wrong. No one obtains the super power to hurt another human being and have them be fine with it. I don't care who you are, I don't care what you represent - if I can not express my deepest, most offensive thoughts to you, and have you not feel you possess the right to be upset by it, then you should not be able to do so to me. If you can be offended, I should be allowed to be offended also. This is personal - this digs in and burns and twists and hurts. This only further proves to me that I was right in my assumption that people are ignorant, that Canada is not multicultural, and that I should hide who I am - bury it, deep in hidden in myself, so no one can take it and point it out. Comments like this tell me that I should present myself as something lesser than me, to avoid being segregated with comments like this.
But the trouble is - I can't do that. It is stressful, and painful, and exhausting. Constantly keeping myself in check is exhausting. And if I have to put with someones closed-minded cracks about Yesungs anatomy, then they should have to put up with my want for diversity in my life.
And if that can't happen, then, well, I suppose I could always go eat dog with the chinks.