Musings of the negative kind
Ok, this is my rant space for the moment. No, I'm not really in a bad mood, but there are so many things bugging me right now.
First and foremost: I fucking hate Christmas. I finally get to the point where I can handle and actually enjoy being around friends and family. I don't have a hyerventilating meltdown at the thought of hanging out with my crazy family every time I see a snowman or hear the opening notes to an overly hyped-up keyboard version of Jingle Bells. Now, Christmas is just more proof of why I do not fit in with society. The crowded malls, the flashing lights of emergency vehicles as cars all rush to the same spot, etc.
I really don't want to work on the convention anymore. Part of this is the same reason I don't have a job for more than a few months: I don't like being told what to do. In a moment of stupidity (and not all on my end) I delegated powers out. Willingly yes, under emotional duress, most likely. In any event, I don't run things anymore. I am not the director of the convention who can be proud of getting things running smoothly that can congratulate a staff for a job well done (not necessarily the fault of the staff). I feel like I'm the bureaucrat that slows down the process. Or something. Red tape. The Bad Guy. The B-type parental unit who wants to be the buddy instead of authority. Normally I get bored with projects and quit. In this case, I see an impending future that I don't agree with and do not wish to be part of. Everything feels like its becoming commercialized. Without a proper sellout with big bucks. Or money of any kind. I no longer feel affluential, and the je ne sais quoi has flittered off somewhere. If this were a sudden feeling, I'd brush it off. It has been so gradual that I almost didn't notice it. It's not that I don't love my baby of a convention, but that my convention has gotten married and lives in another state with its own family and I'm the annoying -in-law who can't mind her own business.
I don't want to have a wedding anymore. Maybe I'll have another child instead. Not anytime soon, but just instead.
My friends suck. Not the people who read this simply cause y'all are a different circle. I mean y'all know the people I'm referring too, but don't hang out with them. It's like the new year has brought some new strain of insensitivity and stubborness. Its spreading like a plague. Somehow I am actually not involved with the goings on, just there to witness it.
I witnessed a wreck of sorts. It consisted of a man driving a full-sized van while drunk or having a seizure. He was heading in the opposite direction down the Beltway. From what I witnessed, he didn't hit anyone since there was nothing there when I drove back around. I realized how ridiculous driving is: cars are basically high-speed, possibly explosive coffins made of metal and plastic. Convenience is expensive I guess. Also, my innate understanding of physics is wrong. Or the chaos theory is everywhere, much more so than I had originally expected. The damn metal van BOUNCED. Off concrete. Like it was using an Havok engine mixed with Dead or Alive. Seriously. I seriously started to second guess my mental facilities until the Sheriff's office called back to corroborate my report.
Anyway....
First and foremost: I fucking hate Christmas. I finally get to the point where I can handle and actually enjoy being around friends and family. I don't have a hyerventilating meltdown at the thought of hanging out with my crazy family every time I see a snowman or hear the opening notes to an overly hyped-up keyboard version of Jingle Bells. Now, Christmas is just more proof of why I do not fit in with society. The crowded malls, the flashing lights of emergency vehicles as cars all rush to the same spot, etc.
I really don't want to work on the convention anymore. Part of this is the same reason I don't have a job for more than a few months: I don't like being told what to do. In a moment of stupidity (and not all on my end) I delegated powers out. Willingly yes, under emotional duress, most likely. In any event, I don't run things anymore. I am not the director of the convention who can be proud of getting things running smoothly that can congratulate a staff for a job well done (not necessarily the fault of the staff). I feel like I'm the bureaucrat that slows down the process. Or something. Red tape. The Bad Guy. The B-type parental unit who wants to be the buddy instead of authority. Normally I get bored with projects and quit. In this case, I see an impending future that I don't agree with and do not wish to be part of. Everything feels like its becoming commercialized. Without a proper sellout with big bucks. Or money of any kind. I no longer feel affluential, and the je ne sais quoi has flittered off somewhere. If this were a sudden feeling, I'd brush it off. It has been so gradual that I almost didn't notice it. It's not that I don't love my baby of a convention, but that my convention has gotten married and lives in another state with its own family and I'm the annoying -in-law who can't mind her own business.
I don't want to have a wedding anymore. Maybe I'll have another child instead. Not anytime soon, but just instead.
My friends suck. Not the people who read this simply cause y'all are a different circle. I mean y'all know the people I'm referring too, but don't hang out with them. It's like the new year has brought some new strain of insensitivity and stubborness. Its spreading like a plague. Somehow I am actually not involved with the goings on, just there to witness it.
I witnessed a wreck of sorts. It consisted of a man driving a full-sized van while drunk or having a seizure. He was heading in the opposite direction down the Beltway. From what I witnessed, he didn't hit anyone since there was nothing there when I drove back around. I realized how ridiculous driving is: cars are basically high-speed, possibly explosive coffins made of metal and plastic. Convenience is expensive I guess. Also, my innate understanding of physics is wrong. Or the chaos theory is everywhere, much more so than I had originally expected. The damn metal van BOUNCED. Off concrete. Like it was using an Havok engine mixed with Dead or Alive. Seriously. I seriously started to second guess my mental facilities until the Sheriff's office called back to corroborate my report.
Anyway....