A foul dissection
Even the events of years way back, I remember exactly how it all felt, inside and out. And I hate you and love you for all of it... every touch, no matter what was behind it. And I can't help but wonder, if I had not been so fucked up to begin with, would it all have gone the way it did, to fuck me up even more? Probably not. But nothing is really anybody's fault... we can hate each other for how we hurt one another, but who hurts others if she hasn't been hurt herself? Hurting people hurt each other, even if they don't intend to. And unfortunately, it does seem to ring true that you always hurt the one you love.
Just last night, there was some discussion at dinner about my childhood, and my parents were shocked at some of the stuff that came out of my mouth. Stories like about how my school counsellor used to get me to draw to express my emotions, and I would color most of the paper red and black, then say, "This is hate... this is anger." I was maybe 7 or 8 years old at the time. Funny thing is, I said it kind of happily... I remember. I was able to dissociate from my emotions pretty darn well for a 7 year-old. I would go home and not talk about school, and then my parents would hear mostly second or third-hand that I was being bullied. One of my teachers actually thought I was sexually abused at home, because I was very aggressive, but also withdrawn, and yeah, there were other reasons too. And heck, I used to ask kids to beat on me at school, because it was the only way I got any attention.
What do those two paragraphs have in common? Well, the second was explaining what I meant when I said I was already fucked up. Thing is, today I watched a movie about an obsessive relationship... I had already seen it, but I still related to it more than I'd like to. And, I also saw a trailer of and some clips from a movie about some boys that were sexually abused, and how they turned out. So those movies have gotten me thinking about how I have turned out, and what caused me to be that way. Fact is, many of my relationships have turned out to be obsessive, at least from my end. I think I am (and moreso was at a young age) just starved for love, and now I go to ridiculous lengths, often fantasy, to feel close to people. Not so much as before, but it's still there. And watching movies like that reminds me of it and brings it out in a way. And that was where the first paragraph came from.
Just last night, there was some discussion at dinner about my childhood, and my parents were shocked at some of the stuff that came out of my mouth. Stories like about how my school counsellor used to get me to draw to express my emotions, and I would color most of the paper red and black, then say, "This is hate... this is anger." I was maybe 7 or 8 years old at the time. Funny thing is, I said it kind of happily... I remember. I was able to dissociate from my emotions pretty darn well for a 7 year-old. I would go home and not talk about school, and then my parents would hear mostly second or third-hand that I was being bullied. One of my teachers actually thought I was sexually abused at home, because I was very aggressive, but also withdrawn, and yeah, there were other reasons too. And heck, I used to ask kids to beat on me at school, because it was the only way I got any attention.
What do those two paragraphs have in common? Well, the second was explaining what I meant when I said I was already fucked up. Thing is, today I watched a movie about an obsessive relationship... I had already seen it, but I still related to it more than I'd like to. And, I also saw a trailer of and some clips from a movie about some boys that were sexually abused, and how they turned out. So those movies have gotten me thinking about how I have turned out, and what caused me to be that way. Fact is, many of my relationships have turned out to be obsessive, at least from my end. I think I am (and moreso was at a young age) just starved for love, and now I go to ridiculous lengths, often fantasy, to feel close to people. Not so much as before, but it's still there. And watching movies like that reminds me of it and brings it out in a way. And that was where the first paragraph came from.