A void
I almost lost it today at work over something stupid... Well maybe not stupid but something trivial. When I realized that my four day weekend has now been reduced to two days, I felt my face turn red and the tears start to form. I managed to stop myself, but I've been walking around with a gloomy face and a bowling ball in my stomach (and a desert in my mouth croons tori) ever since. It's really not even the fact that I have to work sunday and monday now. In the back of my mind I was expecting that anyhow. I guess it was just the icing on the cake and I couldn't hide it anymore. I was really looking forward to having a few days to get my shit together. To get myself out of this funk. To do SOMETHING.
I'm having one of those kick myself while I'm down days, the paternal voice ragging on me for being so lazy... for drinking and smoking every night and wasting time. There was a time I used to read every night, and not just fluffy magazines. I'd read Nietzche, Stephen King novels, astronomy journals, old biology textbooks... anything to feed my mind. I feel like I've dropped 20 IQ points and allowed myself to become so intellectually stagnant in the past 5 years... that I've stopped learning. I need to find an appetite for my mind AND my body again. Yoga helps to fine tune and focus BOTH, but I need more. I am more than that. I'm more than just wake up, go to work, read emails, go to bed, REPEAT. Lately it's all been feeling like that movie groundhog day and I'm just a zombie going through the motions.
Needless to say I bought myself a big bottle of bacardi razz and rented a cheesy movie for tonight (Elektra). It's not metaphysics, but it's a change of pace for a thursday night and superhero chicks make me happy!
