first entry in a long long time...and ranting
Part of me resents myself for being privileged enough that I am not used to being in the minority in any hurtful way. Despite a childhood of being told I was different from other people because I was Jewish, being told I would always be on the outsides of social groups, always moving and unable to settle, always separate because I'm Jewish, I'm not used to feeling so alone.
I was never really publicly gay until I came to Bryn Mawr and the reality is that most of my friends are gay, so I was the person who, for a long time didn't understand how being gay could matter, how it could change things and separate people. Suddenly, even here at Bryn Mawr, I feel uncomfortable. Last summer was the first time I had to deal with being in the closet and being worried about people finding out I was gay. Now I get it and it makes me really angry.
So, I'm in this writing class, and for the most part I like the people in it, I like my teacher, I like how the class forces me to write better. But I am frustrated that the whole class cannot even conceive of the issues I deal with in one of my memoirs. They say I come across as needlessly defensive, interpreting caution (in a memoir about living with my girlfriend in a conservative and rural area) as shame and basically the message of editing sessions tends to be, get over it, being gay is not a big deal.
Well, isn't that nice. Except that most places other than here is it, and what I was writing about was not Bryn Mawr. They had the same reaction to the narrator of a book I presented on, asking why she would spend so much time feeling ostracized and upset when she comes out. It reminds me of those people who "don't see race" because it doesn't matter to them. Of course they don't see that being gay can cause problems, they're all straight!
And the teacher, who I really like and don't want to have be stupid like this, says in conference that if I am to bring up a lesbian relationship within a memoir that is largely about my mother, that I will need to address the "Elektral" complex of being in love with my mother (which is not what lesbianism is about!). He further suggests, in looking at the book I presented that we examine the narrator's relationship with her alcoholic and abusive father to understand her relationship with men and how she comes to be a lesbian.
It's like, if you have straight people who don't think being gay is a big deal, that's great (wouldn't it be great if I didn't have to write this at all, if it never came up?), but they also can't seem to wrap their minds around the fact that by ignoring gayness, sometimes they end up devaluing people?
Furthermore, little example:
Prof: I liked that the narrator dealt with how she enjoyed sex with her husband but desired an emotional relationship with a woman, it was an interesting perspective.
Me: Yes. Often when people think about gay people they think gay--sex, not gay--love. So I think what she did in this book was great.
Other student: Actually, I felt like this whole, lesbians who are really close and like best friends thing is really clichéd and I've seen it before and it wasn't really something new.
Me [very angry]
Rest of class: murmurs agreement.
Here they demote a deep and important loving connection (which clearly includes sex as the narrator makes clear, and most lesbians know) to a simple 'girl friendship'
Angry angry angry. And I hate that I’ve been lucky enough to not have had to deal with this, but I almost wish at least that I could have had a more gradual introduction to how much the world sucks instead of being suddenly surrounded by it.
To the straight girls reading this: how was your relationship with your mother as a child? Perhaps she wasn’t always nice to you, this must be why you prefer men to women.
I was never really publicly gay until I came to Bryn Mawr and the reality is that most of my friends are gay, so I was the person who, for a long time didn't understand how being gay could matter, how it could change things and separate people. Suddenly, even here at Bryn Mawr, I feel uncomfortable. Last summer was the first time I had to deal with being in the closet and being worried about people finding out I was gay. Now I get it and it makes me really angry.
So, I'm in this writing class, and for the most part I like the people in it, I like my teacher, I like how the class forces me to write better. But I am frustrated that the whole class cannot even conceive of the issues I deal with in one of my memoirs. They say I come across as needlessly defensive, interpreting caution (in a memoir about living with my girlfriend in a conservative and rural area) as shame and basically the message of editing sessions tends to be, get over it, being gay is not a big deal.
Well, isn't that nice. Except that most places other than here is it, and what I was writing about was not Bryn Mawr. They had the same reaction to the narrator of a book I presented on, asking why she would spend so much time feeling ostracized and upset when she comes out. It reminds me of those people who "don't see race" because it doesn't matter to them. Of course they don't see that being gay can cause problems, they're all straight!
And the teacher, who I really like and don't want to have be stupid like this, says in conference that if I am to bring up a lesbian relationship within a memoir that is largely about my mother, that I will need to address the "Elektral" complex of being in love with my mother (which is not what lesbianism is about!). He further suggests, in looking at the book I presented that we examine the narrator's relationship with her alcoholic and abusive father to understand her relationship with men and how she comes to be a lesbian.
It's like, if you have straight people who don't think being gay is a big deal, that's great (wouldn't it be great if I didn't have to write this at all, if it never came up?), but they also can't seem to wrap their minds around the fact that by ignoring gayness, sometimes they end up devaluing people?
Furthermore, little example:
Prof: I liked that the narrator dealt with how she enjoyed sex with her husband but desired an emotional relationship with a woman, it was an interesting perspective.
Me: Yes. Often when people think about gay people they think gay--sex, not gay--love. So I think what she did in this book was great.
Other student: Actually, I felt like this whole, lesbians who are really close and like best friends thing is really clichéd and I've seen it before and it wasn't really something new.
Me [very angry]
Rest of class: murmurs agreement.
Here they demote a deep and important loving connection (which clearly includes sex as the narrator makes clear, and most lesbians know) to a simple 'girl friendship'
Angry angry angry. And I hate that I’ve been lucky enough to not have had to deal with this, but I almost wish at least that I could have had a more gradual introduction to how much the world sucks instead of being suddenly surrounded by it.
To the straight girls reading this: how was your relationship with your mother as a child? Perhaps she wasn’t always nice to you, this must be why you prefer men to women.