(no subject)
The last day or two have been...interesting. I somehow managed to convince myself that no one loves me and I have no friends and that all the people I thought were my friends were only putting up with me because I'm River's partner. Everyone loves River, and I feel like she's constantly making plans and hanging out with people and stuff, and I have been feeling for a while like making plans is akin to pulling teeth. No one has seemed to want to see me. Any time I get invited anywhere, it's by River, including me in plans she has with other people. Now, I'm glad she's made friends, and I'm happy to be included (beats being excluded any day of the week) but there's little worse than feeling like the only reason people want to see you is that they like your partner. Also we all know how I feel about being third wheel. It sucks.
Last night we went to the movies with Gunner and N (the last HP is really good, btw). Before they arrived, River told me that she had mentioned to them that I was really depressed and feeling left out. She did it by mistake, but I was still pretty upset about it; I'm aware that most of the issue is in my head and that what isn't in my head is either reasonable busy-ness on the part of my friends or something other than that they hate me, and I didn't want to inflict my neurosis on them. Not their problem, you know? So I was crying. I hate crying in public and I hate that this has gotten this far out of hand and I hate not being the strong one. Fortunately I pulled myself together before they came and when I mentioned casually how I felt, N assured me that I was wrong. Hopefully I can nail Gunner down on some plans sometime soon.
EDIT: I'm beginning to understand how River can just spend all day in bed. I'm here alone in my apartment and I really really want to do back to bed, but I won't; hypocrisy is not something I want to embrace.
EDIT EDIT: Just realized the worthless feeling started after Confusion kicked me out of Noodles. It is ridiculous to allow that girl to make me feel like crap when she wasn't even trying to. I need to work on my self esteem...
Last night we went to the movies with Gunner and N (the last HP is really good, btw). Before they arrived, River told me that she had mentioned to them that I was really depressed and feeling left out. She did it by mistake, but I was still pretty upset about it; I'm aware that most of the issue is in my head and that what isn't in my head is either reasonable busy-ness on the part of my friends or something other than that they hate me, and I didn't want to inflict my neurosis on them. Not their problem, you know? So I was crying. I hate crying in public and I hate that this has gotten this far out of hand and I hate not being the strong one. Fortunately I pulled myself together before they came and when I mentioned casually how I felt, N assured me that I was wrong. Hopefully I can nail Gunner down on some plans sometime soon.
EDIT: I'm beginning to understand how River can just spend all day in bed. I'm here alone in my apartment and I really really want to do back to bed, but I won't; hypocrisy is not something I want to embrace.
EDIT EDIT: Just realized the worthless feeling started after Confusion kicked me out of Noodles. It is ridiculous to allow that girl to make me feel like crap when she wasn't even trying to. I need to work on my self esteem...