(no subject)
I guess no one on here really reads this journal anymore.
that's alright tho, I guess I don't mind it being just me.
I mostly kept up with it because my cousin and I communicated on here.
She is gone now, just memories and a bit of ashes on my dresser.
I went to the Grand Canyon, as I said that I would. I honored her, with her friends, TKD instructor, and her husband Nao.
We scattered her ashes in the river in silence when we reached the bottom. I hadn't cried on the trip till then. I wasn't crying till I saw Nao's face. I will never forget the emotion there, the look on his face and how it opened something inside me that felt the way he looked.
The trip was a good thing, overall. I had a touch of altitude sickness I think, and I hurt one knee and had to brace it for the remainder of the trip (and a little when i returned home), but it was still a good trip. I enjoyed myself, even tho the reason we were there was sad. It was good to be with people who loved Caer, and to see how she had touched each of their lives in a unique way.
Sometimes it doesn't feel like she is gone. It's like we just got busy and lost touch, and we'll be hearing from one another soon. then I remember and I am sad. Then I remember good things, funny things about her and I am happy.
Sol has been a blessing to have in my life. It is hard to believe I have been with him for...nearly 3 years now. wow. We...fit together. We don't have to go out adventuring or to dinner or a movie to have fun together. We can sit together and talk, or hold each other, and it is good.
He will never ask me to change myself or my beliefs, or need that to love me back.
And his family is sweet. I get along with his sister rather well, and his mom likes me, and I like her.
I love him...and while it took me a long time to say it, when I did, he already knew. And he loves me too, so it worked out nicely.
I have new friends than I did before...I left the old ones behind. They weren't right for me. I finally figured out what friends are supposed to be, and what you're supposed to be to them. Real friends are happy to see you, they don't expect perfection or novelty or entertainment. They are people who will lounge with you in pajamas, huddle with you under a blanket, and laugh with you at silly things.
I am happier than I have been in a long time. Maybe ever. I kind of write off the first...19 or 20 years of my life. Strange but true. Things got really bad, and I didn't want to go on...but somehow I did, and it (miraculously?) got better. *I* got better. became a better person, one I liked a lot more. One that i was finally comfortable with. I miss...well, NOTHING about my old life. Everything is better. My relationship with my family, my friends, my interests, my man. Getting off Adderall was maybe the best thing I could have done. Then ditching crappy people, and seeking out people who actually gave a damn about me.
Life isn't perfect; it never is, but it's as close as it gets I guess. I am surrounded by people who love me, I have a degree in a field that interests me and a client base, and I finally fit into life in a way that isn't continually excruciating.
It will be interesting to see where I end up.
that's alright tho, I guess I don't mind it being just me.
I mostly kept up with it because my cousin and I communicated on here.
She is gone now, just memories and a bit of ashes on my dresser.
I went to the Grand Canyon, as I said that I would. I honored her, with her friends, TKD instructor, and her husband Nao.
We scattered her ashes in the river in silence when we reached the bottom. I hadn't cried on the trip till then. I wasn't crying till I saw Nao's face. I will never forget the emotion there, the look on his face and how it opened something inside me that felt the way he looked.
The trip was a good thing, overall. I had a touch of altitude sickness I think, and I hurt one knee and had to brace it for the remainder of the trip (and a little when i returned home), but it was still a good trip. I enjoyed myself, even tho the reason we were there was sad. It was good to be with people who loved Caer, and to see how she had touched each of their lives in a unique way.
Sometimes it doesn't feel like she is gone. It's like we just got busy and lost touch, and we'll be hearing from one another soon. then I remember and I am sad. Then I remember good things, funny things about her and I am happy.
Sol has been a blessing to have in my life. It is hard to believe I have been with him for...nearly 3 years now. wow. We...fit together. We don't have to go out adventuring or to dinner or a movie to have fun together. We can sit together and talk, or hold each other, and it is good.
He will never ask me to change myself or my beliefs, or need that to love me back.
And his family is sweet. I get along with his sister rather well, and his mom likes me, and I like her.
I love him...and while it took me a long time to say it, when I did, he already knew. And he loves me too, so it worked out nicely.
I have new friends than I did before...I left the old ones behind. They weren't right for me. I finally figured out what friends are supposed to be, and what you're supposed to be to them. Real friends are happy to see you, they don't expect perfection or novelty or entertainment. They are people who will lounge with you in pajamas, huddle with you under a blanket, and laugh with you at silly things.
I am happier than I have been in a long time. Maybe ever. I kind of write off the first...19 or 20 years of my life. Strange but true. Things got really bad, and I didn't want to go on...but somehow I did, and it (miraculously?) got better. *I* got better. became a better person, one I liked a lot more. One that i was finally comfortable with. I miss...well, NOTHING about my old life. Everything is better. My relationship with my family, my friends, my interests, my man. Getting off Adderall was maybe the best thing I could have done. Then ditching crappy people, and seeking out people who actually gave a damn about me.
Life isn't perfect; it never is, but it's as close as it gets I guess. I am surrounded by people who love me, I have a degree in a field that interests me and a client base, and I finally fit into life in a way that isn't continually excruciating.
It will be interesting to see where I end up.