Huh
(Old post from a year or two ago I think)
"Iridescent are the dancing shadows.
The frosted hands of loneliness grips my throat.
Remind me once more, why do I keep surviving?"
So....been a looooong time since I bothered to dust this thing off, and after seeing my friends page, it seems I barely know anyone who bothers with LJ anymore...So it should be a safe place to post.
Mom died in August, and I get a card addressed to her by a cousin...It was dated for December...Who lives across the bay. Some how he doesn't know that my mother passed away. Just...awsome. Granted he's a well off family member, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
Moved in with some friends, and it's been....a new experiance for sure. It's not as smooth running as I had hoped. Not to surprising I guess. With things vanishing, people bitching, and arguing, and such.
Gotta keep the peace.
Always feeling like the one outside, looking in. People wanting things done, but not wanting to do it themselves. Hell I haven't unpacked half my stuff expecting something to happen and have to repack. Others just seem to take naturally to 'taking over'.
Gotta keep the peace.
Trying to find a job is getting impossible. I'm out of cash, out of phone time, and every place I look into wants experiance, or a college degree. I knew this was going to happen. Why I wanted to get back to school, but hey...It's my life, so I shouldn't be surprised, right? Nothing works out for the better. I hate having to rely on others.
I haven't even really broken down about Mom yet, but close. Things keep slipping my mind more and ore lately, and I think the holiday season has just gotten to me. I do miss her. After all more then half my life has been taking care of her, or helping her in some way.
People say, "Can't you just ask for help?" No one to really ask though, but my Sister and I am sure she feels she has helped enough with just helping to pack up some, and move stuff.
I haven't even posted thoughts on most social sites for a while for varoius reasons. After all can't say some things, without the worry it'll get back to the wrong people. Best to not create waves, be the nail sticking up, or such.
Gotta keep the peace.
Yet....
Folks decided to make food for all, but me. That's not too surprising. What really urked me, was the need they felt to put another persons intials on the plate they saved. As if the plastic wrapped plate wasn't enough to say, "Hey, we are saving it." Okay, that is one. Another says it's for Dar...Okay that's two...Then putting the initals on it, while I stand there. No words spoken then...That's three. So...that's three instances...Okay...This from those who seem to eat everything in sight. The first time, sure. Its informative. The second...Okay, that's a bit rude and annoying. The third? Down right insulting, more so with me standing there.
Gotta keep the peace.
Of course I take it as a personal insult. QAfter all I have fed others when I could afford it, and another even used things I bought without asking. I shouldn't have to put my name on certain things. If you didn't buy them then why use them? Seems though it's fine if I share my stuff, but others feel the need to be rude.
Gotta keep the peace.
Hell I haven't even brought up the cancer-stick-stinking issue as of late. You'd think people would at least have enough respect for others to NOT force that stench on others, but nope. Their personal need first.
Gotta keep the peace.
Doesn't help I'm out of muscle relaxers early cause one person gets bitchy, and accusing if she's sober for a day. She takes way to much of alot of things. Out of my anti-anxity meds to. None of that's helping. Oh and the queen bee syndrom. Expecting others to answer the door, or do what here paranoia insist on. I feel bad for one persons friend over it. Granted I'm a bit paranoid at times, but I don't insist on others to do my dirty work.
Gotta keep the peace.
Little white lies keep things calm...for the most part. Best to keep things calm. Though it's hard sometimes. Like one person bitching about people leaving dishes all over, as if they do it on purpose for her to clean. Then she drops a one time used butter knife into a pot of dirty water, instead of bending over the 3 inches to drop it into the dishwasher...While she's bitching to me about people not doing their part.
Gotta keep the peace.
Then the issue of things vanishing. Be it booze, meds, or the such. I have a suspician, but sorta hard to just point a finger when others don't see how the person acs without them around. More so I don't think the person realizes what their doing. Sure I have had a few drinks, but I was under the impression I was allowed to, or bought my own. I also say yes when asked if I have. No need to really lie about it. I am the most likely suspect I'm sure. It's well known I enjoy a drink now and then. I drink when I want to though, not when I need to. Helps with the pain as well.
Gotta keep the peace.
Just need to find work, and maybe that'll help some. Then I wouldn't feel so guilty, and such. I hate relying on others. Just hard to find any. I keep checking online, and without bus fair...Not that I saw any signs about wanting to hire. StilL waiting on the fucking idiots who okay guard cards. Sent that back in Oct.
Why does nothing ever want to work out for me?
So much stress.
I have even been staying in my room to avoid having to listen to certain things when others aren't around. Odd seeing how I used to thrive on others negativity. I even enjoyed listening to other folks describe their world crumbling, cause then it told me there were others I knew without better lives.
Just hard to deal with that stuff now. I keep hoping the new year will bring something good.
Well there is at least one light at the end of the tunnel. *Smiles a touch*
"Iridescent are the dancing shadows.
The frosted hands of loneliness grips my throat.
Remind me once more, why do I keep surviving?"
So....been a looooong time since I bothered to dust this thing off, and after seeing my friends page, it seems I barely know anyone who bothers with LJ anymore...So it should be a safe place to post.
Mom died in August, and I get a card addressed to her by a cousin...It was dated for December...Who lives across the bay. Some how he doesn't know that my mother passed away. Just...awsome. Granted he's a well off family member, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
Moved in with some friends, and it's been....a new experiance for sure. It's not as smooth running as I had hoped. Not to surprising I guess. With things vanishing, people bitching, and arguing, and such.
Gotta keep the peace.
Always feeling like the one outside, looking in. People wanting things done, but not wanting to do it themselves. Hell I haven't unpacked half my stuff expecting something to happen and have to repack. Others just seem to take naturally to 'taking over'.
Gotta keep the peace.
Trying to find a job is getting impossible. I'm out of cash, out of phone time, and every place I look into wants experiance, or a college degree. I knew this was going to happen. Why I wanted to get back to school, but hey...It's my life, so I shouldn't be surprised, right? Nothing works out for the better. I hate having to rely on others.
I haven't even really broken down about Mom yet, but close. Things keep slipping my mind more and ore lately, and I think the holiday season has just gotten to me. I do miss her. After all more then half my life has been taking care of her, or helping her in some way.
People say, "Can't you just ask for help?" No one to really ask though, but my Sister and I am sure she feels she has helped enough with just helping to pack up some, and move stuff.
I haven't even posted thoughts on most social sites for a while for varoius reasons. After all can't say some things, without the worry it'll get back to the wrong people. Best to not create waves, be the nail sticking up, or such.
Gotta keep the peace.
Yet....
Folks decided to make food for all, but me. That's not too surprising. What really urked me, was the need they felt to put another persons intials on the plate they saved. As if the plastic wrapped plate wasn't enough to say, "Hey, we are saving it." Okay, that is one. Another says it's for Dar...Okay that's two...Then putting the initals on it, while I stand there. No words spoken then...That's three. So...that's three instances...Okay...This from those who seem to eat everything in sight. The first time, sure. Its informative. The second...Okay, that's a bit rude and annoying. The third? Down right insulting, more so with me standing there.
Gotta keep the peace.
Of course I take it as a personal insult. QAfter all I have fed others when I could afford it, and another even used things I bought without asking. I shouldn't have to put my name on certain things. If you didn't buy them then why use them? Seems though it's fine if I share my stuff, but others feel the need to be rude.
Gotta keep the peace.
Hell I haven't even brought up the cancer-stick-stinking issue as of late. You'd think people would at least have enough respect for others to NOT force that stench on others, but nope. Their personal need first.
Gotta keep the peace.
Doesn't help I'm out of muscle relaxers early cause one person gets bitchy, and accusing if she's sober for a day. She takes way to much of alot of things. Out of my anti-anxity meds to. None of that's helping. Oh and the queen bee syndrom. Expecting others to answer the door, or do what here paranoia insist on. I feel bad for one persons friend over it. Granted I'm a bit paranoid at times, but I don't insist on others to do my dirty work.
Gotta keep the peace.
Little white lies keep things calm...for the most part. Best to keep things calm. Though it's hard sometimes. Like one person bitching about people leaving dishes all over, as if they do it on purpose for her to clean. Then she drops a one time used butter knife into a pot of dirty water, instead of bending over the 3 inches to drop it into the dishwasher...While she's bitching to me about people not doing their part.
Gotta keep the peace.
Then the issue of things vanishing. Be it booze, meds, or the such. I have a suspician, but sorta hard to just point a finger when others don't see how the person acs without them around. More so I don't think the person realizes what their doing. Sure I have had a few drinks, but I was under the impression I was allowed to, or bought my own. I also say yes when asked if I have. No need to really lie about it. I am the most likely suspect I'm sure. It's well known I enjoy a drink now and then. I drink when I want to though, not when I need to. Helps with the pain as well.
Gotta keep the peace.
Just need to find work, and maybe that'll help some. Then I wouldn't feel so guilty, and such. I hate relying on others. Just hard to find any. I keep checking online, and without bus fair...Not that I saw any signs about wanting to hire. StilL waiting on the fucking idiots who okay guard cards. Sent that back in Oct.
Why does nothing ever want to work out for me?
So much stress.
I have even been staying in my room to avoid having to listen to certain things when others aren't around. Odd seeing how I used to thrive on others negativity. I even enjoyed listening to other folks describe their world crumbling, cause then it told me there were others I knew without better lives.
Just hard to deal with that stuff now. I keep hoping the new year will bring something good.
Well there is at least one light at the end of the tunnel. *Smiles a touch*