Diary of a Mad-as-Hell Oscar Viewer
Drat, I can't record the E! Red Carpet show while watching the ABC Red Carpet show; my DVR is full. Which one will have more Geoffrey? (That's Geoffrey Rush, of course, nominated for Best Supporting Actor for The King's Speech.)
ABC Red Carpet show
Russell Brand with his mom ... LMAO. So wish they'd have cast him in the upcoming Pirate of the Caribbean 4 movie!!! He'd be so perfect as Jack Sparrow's brother. Stupid Disney, firing him for ... whatever it was he said about the Jonas Brothers. (???) He could so replace Johnny Depp if he decides not to do the next one. (Network, Geoffrey, network!)
Cate Blanchett is rooting for Geoffrey, woot! But, um, that dress? Purple and mustard bubbles??? Looks like something out of a sci-fi B-movie! O.o (Wouldn't be so bad without the weirdo, um, jacket ... thing. And it takes a lot for me not to like a purple dress!)
Ben ("Mank") Mankiewicz's great-uncle Joe won back-to-back Oscars for both writing and directing, and his grandfather Herman cowrote Citizen Kane. so that's how he got his job as a host on TCM and erstwhile critic. (I still haven't forgiven him for introducing Disney's 1950 Treasure Island and not once mentioning Robert Newton! And he's a joke of a movie critic.
Melissa Leo took out ads promoting her candidacy, and that put her out of the running? I thought this was about who was the "best" actress, not the most popular. Boy, am I naive.
The majority (31%) of online voters think Helena Bonham Carter should win for Best Supporting Actress!
What? We can control cameras and stalk our fave celebs at Oscar.com?? *checks it out* Tchyah, if you pay for an All Oscar Pass account. Meh. Too busy watching the show.
Funny how most of the women are taller than their guys--talk about high heels! Ouch! On the other hand, this interviewer (Robin Roberts if I'm hearing correctly?) is making everybody look short!
Funny how Tim Gunn is being so charming with all the women. Is he going to trash talk their gowns after the show?
Haha, the Geoffrey and Colin "bro-mance" ... What? They "attacked" each other and they didn't show it on the show???? >:P
No Jane tonight? Hmm ... well, she doesn't seem to have brought him good luck at the last couple of awards shows. :(
"Mank" thinks Colin will win for sure and Social Network might not??? And don't count out Geoffrey Rush. OK, we'll hold you to that.
If Gwyneth Paltrow could sing a duet with anybody she'd pick Jay-Z? And she's married to the guy from Cold Play? Guess she's bored with good music. Her fashion advice: Don't get too avant garde ... hmm, let's see what Helena picked out tonight. (Love her earrings, but they look soooo uncomfortable!)
Ewww, Chirstian Bale = Grizzly Adams. And if he wins ... it will be grrrrrrrrrrrisly indeed. Does he have any other suit than that black shirt/tie combo that he's worn to every show so far??? Why don't men's fashions get scrutinized to death?!
Oo, Mila Kunas for best dressed! Looooove that color and the draping skirt! I would totally wear that in Second Life--if I weren't currently boycotting it--or InWorldz! Think she's got the belt tied a little too tight though. (What, no Spanks??)
Yay, Russell Brand's rooting foo Colin Firth. I'm liking him more and more.
And now for the main event, the actual 83rd Annual Academy Awards:
Anne Hathaway in a parody of The King's Speech: "We have news from the future. Microphones get smaller." Ahahahaha. (Love her, she's adorable. Aha, no wonder they repeated her episode of Saturday Night Live last night.)
Finally, Tim Burton is sitting with Helena! And she's dressed oh so conservatively. Wait, his movie won for art direction, and he wasn't the art director?? Well, the actual winners sure got his style down.
OMG, is Colin Firth really right in the front row on the aisle? This is giving me a premonition. (I feel so psychic!) And Geoffrey's right behind him. Oo, I think Jane is there. (Yep, and, checking the geoffrey_rush community, wearing a lovely dress in apple4b's instantaneous screencap! How does she do these things??! "It's a mystery"!) Yay, all the easier to keep an eye on them now. (And Steven Spielberg is right behind Geoffrey.)
I didn't know Mike Leigh was nominated. Featuring his usual cast of regulars Brenda Belthyn and Jim Broadbent. (Where was Tim Spall? Oh right, busy playing Winston Churchill in The King's Speech!)
Woot! Best original screenplay: The King's Speech, my first joyful scream of the evening!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG, Best Supporting Actor is coming up next. *bites crossed fingers down to crossed knuckles*
LOL at Anne Hathaway's Hugh Jackman impression. And James Franco trying to walk in heels as "Marilyn Monroe." (Good thing they told us who he was supposed to be!) "The weird part is I just got a text message from Charlie Sheen." Mwahahahaha. (Idiot Charlie Sheen. I think Two and a Half Men should go on without him--and he should be institutionalized before he actually "violently murders" someone! (Yes, he actually threatened to do that on a radio talk show!!!)
OMG, Russell Brand kills me!
Arggggghhhhh! *hisses the "Melissa Leo F-word"* Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Now I officially hate Christan Bale--worst Batman ever--and his disgusting beard. And all he had to do was lose 30 pounds and act like a drunk. Pffft. Who couldn't do that? Damn Academy voters. If The Social Network wins over The King's Speech, then the Oscars mean absolutely nothing. Oh shut up already, Bale. Isn't he done yet? What an a-hole, he's so glib, yet he can't even remember his wife's name! Somebody cue the orchestra! Bring out the cane! GRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! I'm boycotting all his films from now on.
Well, I bet Geoffrey's glad he's still in his seat for Charlie Chaplin. (Small consolation.)
Geez, who'd have thought the guy from Nine Inch Nails would win an Academy Award? (I like them, but not getting my hopes up any higher for The King's Speech at this point. It's the effing Golden Globes all over again.)
Wow, TRON was actually nominated for something??? At least that had Michael Sheen in it. For about five minutes. *sigh*
"That's gross." *cackle* Oh, God, I love Cate Blanchett, bubble dress and all! And then the movie wins. Awkward! (OK, now I'm laughing again at this ridiculous comedy show.) But that really was gross.
The Tempest. Damn, why didn't that come out here?! Or, if it did, how did I miss it? :(
D'oh, how awkward for Helena Bonham Carter: Her boyfriend's film beats out The King's Speech. She's actually standing up. (Sometimes I think she's on drugs!)
Luke Matheny: "I should've gotten a haircut." I'm sure Geoffrey would be happy to share some of the excess! You could make a nice wig for him out of it and still have plenty left!
Haha, year of the musical. "Harry Potter and the lame musical." "Twilight: He doesn't own a shirt." Ha, the only time Twilight will ever get mentioned on the Oscars. (Can't help thinking how creepy it is that grown women are attracted to "Jacob"--their fantasies are the perfect combination of pedophilia and bestiality. Urp.)
Oo, she can't believe she's breathing the same air as this next presenter. All hail Queen Oprah. "Mate." :P
Wow, Hereafter actually did get nominated for something. And Harry Potter. And Alice in Wonderland. And they all lost to that stupid, overrated mess Inception. (Cynical much? Yep.)
And The King's Speech gets dissed yet again (for editing). I think this show needs some editing. Can we take Billy Crystal's suggestion and skip to the end? (Are we there yet???)
Gwyneth Paltrow is country music's newest country music star? Has she given up acting or what? (I vote for the 127 Hours song, even though the movie looks idiotic. (I can't stand watching stories about "survivors" who only had to survive because they did something stupid like rock-climbing alone in the middle of nowhere. Humans + nature = catastrophe for one or the other or both. There's a reason we invented houses and cities and sidewalks!) Figures, Randy "Short People" Newman wins it. Can't stand him either. OMG, I'm having a premonition of what Michael Moore will look like when he gets old!
Is anybody else as bored as I am? (Or am I the only one still awake?)
Wow, for once the audience isn't clapping for their favorites during the obituary montage. Finally, an iota of class.
Why does Anne Hathaway have to wear a different outfit for every segment?
OMG, finally!!!!! Yesssss! Tom Hooper FTW! *not getting my hopes up, not getting my hopes up*
Hooper: "The triangle of manlove." So it's beyond a bromance! And he hopes that doesn't make Helena jealous? OMG, it would me. I want in! (Although I'd be happy just to watch. XD) "The moral of the story is: Listen to your mother"? Thank goodness my mom has surely gone to bed by now.
Oh no, we're only up to the Lifetime Achievement Award? This is never going to end! Wow, I missed the year Kevin Brownlow won? Oh, here he is. Oh, yay, no endless speeches. (Poor guys, they come all the way there just to stand there??)
Uh-oh, Best Actor time. No surprises pleeeeeeeze!!!!!!!
Aw, Geoffrey just wiped a tear away watching Colin's scene in the movie. And the winner is ... Colin Firth, yay!!! Oh, sure, all Geoffrey gets from him this time is a hand-clasp. Colin probably doesn't want to catch The Killer Cold. LOL, such acting, even during his acceptance speech ... not dancing before he gets off the stage. Nice close-up on Geoffrey. LOL, take that camera backstage, I wanna see those impulses he needs to tend to. (Can Geoffrey join him? Party like Geoffrey Rush, boys!)
Man, are they running over! Why'd they wait till 8:30 to start the show????
Ten movies are nominated??? Since when do they have 10 nominees for anything???? I can't believe they found 10 movies to nominate in 2010--the worst movie year I can remember, up till the end of November. Is the use of the voiceover from The King's Speech a good omen? *finger nubs crossed*
Woot! Squee! Applause! Thank goodness. King's Speech FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I think Geoffrey was falling asleep there! Either that or he's totally bumming to be the only one without a statue for his movie!!! As Jay Leno so aptly put it last Friday, he was "the glue that held the movie together"! Not to mention he has that lousy cold; he looks so miserable, poor baby. They had to cue him to get up on to go on stage with them! Besides the cold, he probably feels the same way I do; I've been sitting so long, I don't know if my legs work anymore. Feels like I've been on a long car trip!)
OK, on to the E! After Party show ...
Oh great, the catty critics from Chelsea Lately again. Is bitchface going to make fun of Geoffrey again?
What is Donald Trump doing there? Oh, we're off to a "promising" start already, they're mocking his hair. That really sets the tone.
Is Hugh Jackman kidding? The night flew by? What drugs is he on?
OMG, they just referred to Russell Brand as looking like Weird Al? As if this guy ("Chewy"?) should be commenting on anyone else's looks? Anyway, Russell's at the Governor's Ball; hope Geoffrey and Co. go there. I bet Russell could cheer him up.
Oh, look there's gleefully clueless Ben Lyons who, along with fellow "critic," Ben Mankiewicz, killed off At the Movies with their inane industry-sponsored movie commentaries. And he actually made "Mank" look like the smart one. Yeah, this is about the same level of analysis taking place. (Asking each other, "If you were a lesbian, would you go with Annette Bening or Julianne Moore?" *facepalm*)
Geez, we saw Natalie Portman's entire press conference, and now we're back to the moron table. What a contrast. They'd bloody well better show Colin Firth's entire press conference.
I wonder which party Geoffrey's at? (A sleepover probably! Oo, a bromance sleepover?)
Yet another "insightful" question from the panel: Is James Franco gay or not (because he came out in drag during that one segment of the show). Gee, then Anne Hathaway must be gay too cuz she wore a tux for the same segment. Meow meow meow meow. Gawd, these people are giving me a headache! (And this isn't even the Fashion Police show! After the Golden Globes edition, I am totally skipping that.)
Oo oo, finally a glimpse of Geoffrey on the red carpet with Helena and Colin! (OMG, the dopey fashionista just called her "Heh-LAY-na.")
Geez, a vodka commercial as part of the show? Come to think of it, I haven't seen a celebrity come up and get a drink from the bar in front of the panel yet! Clearly, they're all wisely avoiding the E! people. Meanwhile, the Eeeeeeeeeeee! commentators all sound like they've kept the bartender busy. They should rename this network the Catty Channel. There hasn't been anything entertaining about it in at least five years.
Finally, something worth waiting for: Colin Firth in the press room. Unbelievable! They just cut away from Colin's after two lines to talk to Tom Hanks. And he was funny too! *headdesk*
Hanks: "The King's Speech won. Break in!" Yes, listen to him, you idiots!!! Why the f--- are they showing Tom Hanks talking about Colin Firth?!!!! And he says he just came off the Jimmy Kimmel Live show? Why??? He wasn't even nominated for anything! God, I hate E! What a total waste of time.
Excuse me! Colin Firth, Best Actor, is talking live in the next room, and they've completely forgotten about him in favor of watching Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban walk to their car, complaining that she's wearing his jacket. They just hate women who don't bring their own jacket and have to borrow their boyfriend's! My head is ready to explode. Now they're talking to Jane Lynch from Glee who wasn't even at the Oscars; she just showed up for the party! I need a chill pill and a stiff drink. This is such bullshit! Oh God, more gay jokes! And now the moron panel are advertising their own upcoming fake reality show, an admitted Office rip-off. *cries*
Ahhh, Valium, Vicodin, and a mead chaser ... (Don't worry, the Valium has no effect on me; I'm in a perpetual withdrawal state. See previous entries for tedious details. And the mead is just to get me through till the Vicodin kicks in to make a dent in this killer headache.)
OMG, Anne Hathaway has Swarovski crystals in her eyelashes? I'd be so scared of getting one in my eye!
And now they're spending the last five minutes of the hour-and-a-half E! after-show by applauding and thanking themselves for all their own hard work. *eyes roll out of my head*