read yourself to me (2/2)
part 1
After his singular class the next morning, Joonmyun spends a few hours in his room writing an outline for one paper and compiling citations for another. He finishes faster than he expects to, glancing at the clock while he leans back in his chair to stretch and realizing it’s still relatively early in the afternoon, and decides he can spend the rest of the day reading something other than online articles.
He pads out into the kitchen, peeking through the doorway to the living room where Baekhyun and Chanyeol are spread out on the carpet with notes and textbooks open around them. They’re being as quiet as they can manage to be when they’re together, and Joonmyun smiles fondly before turning to pick his copy of Please Look After Mom up off the table. He had tried, during dinner the night before, to make another dent in it, but Baekhyun’s habit of yelling at the television during singing competition shows had kept him from doing so. Joonmyun figures that if the apartment stays quiet, he can spend the rest of the afternoon on the couch with the last few chapters.
He turns back around to find that Baekhyun has appeared right beside him out of nowhere, but gets dragged out into the hallway before he can voice his surprise.
“Is something wrong?” he asks, only to be shushed immediately as Baekhyun glances back through the kitchen. Joonmyun follows his gaze and sees one of Chanyeol’s feet through the doorway, lying in the same spot he was in before Baekhyun teleported to the kitchen.
“So, listen,” Baekhyun starts, half whispering as he looks back at Joonmyun, “I know you’ve got the rest of the day free, but-- Chanyeol and I, could we… kick you out for a bit?”
“I didn’t know you had so much tact,” Joonmyun laughs, and Baekhyun punches him in the arm.
“Seriously,” he says, eyes flickering to the living room again. His cheeks look a little pink, Joonmyun notices. That’s weird. “Even just for a couple hours--”
“It’s fine, Baek,” Joonmyun says, and he means it - he’s been in his room for most of the day so far, and it’d be good to go outside. The weather is nice, anyway.
He grabs his keys off the counter and starts towards the front door, book under his arm. “A-are you sure?” Baekhyun asks, following him down the hall.
“Of course,” he says. “You two were quiet while I was working, so it’s only fair to give you some time to be noisy.” He bends down to put his shoes on, not noticing how Baekhyun flushes darker. “Just make sure you’re not too loud. Try not to disturb any of the other tenants, okay?”
“Uh--”
“I mean, you guys are just going to play video games or whatever, right?” Joonmyun straightens up again, opening the door and looking back at Baekhyun when he doesn’t reply. He raises his eyebrows at how red his roommate’s face is. “You alright?”
“Yep,” Baekhyun says quickly. “We’re just-- video games and-- loud. Yes.”
Joonmyun rolls his eyes and exits the apartment, hoping Baekhyun did actually process some of what he said. Their TV has a volume limit for a reason, after all.
He takes his time going down the stairs and out to the quad, sitting in a sunny patch of grass and taking a moment to appreciate the fresh air before he opens his book. There’s still at least a third left to read, but by the time Joonmyun turns the last page he finds that it hasn’t even been two hours since he left the apartment. He flops back in the grass, letting the book fall closed.
Surely there are other ways he could pass the time - he could nap, right there on the quad, but a less sleepy part of his brain tells him that it’s probably not a good idea. He could go for a walk, maybe, but could he make it last another hour or two?
He sighs and looks sideways at the book lying in the grass beside him, considering his options. There is, he supposes, another place he could spend the end of the afternoon, made all the more convenient for having this now-finished book with him…
Joonmyun hesitates for all of five seconds before sitting up and setting off in the direction of the library building.
It’s a little later in the afternoon than when he usually goes, not to mention the fact that he had visited just the day before, so he tries, as he climbs the stairs, not to get his hopes of seeing Jongdae up too high. Their schedules have probably aligned just coincidentally enough for Joonmyun to never miss him up until now, but this time his being in the library isn’t part of his schedule at all.
Still, he drops the finished book through the return slot and steps between the shelves, looking around corners and wishing he could remember what sections he had found Jongdae in on other days - not that he would be able to find those sections again, necessarily, but it’d be nice to have a vague sense of direction.
He can’t help smiling in relief when he does find Jongdae, reshelving what looks like half the English playwright section. That’s what Joonmyun guesses it is, anyway, after he nearly trips over several leather bound Complete Works of William Shakespeares stacked on the floor. Jongdae looks up and smiles at him.
“Back so soon?”
“Apparently,” Joonmyun says, but waves Jongdae away when he moves to abandon the shelf he’s rearranging. “Don’t let me stop you! I don’t need you to find anything for me today, so you can just…” He trails off, gesturing vaguely, and Jongdae rolls his eyes playfully before turning back to the shelf.
It doesn’t take him long to finish, and soon enough he’s moving on through the aisles to a different section, pausing every now and then to pick up fallen books and put them back in order. It feels familiar enough for Joonmyun to let his mind wander as he follows behind. He’s halfway to autopilot when Jongdae stops suddenly and turns around, and Joonmyun nearly walks into him.
The look Jongdae gives him would be entirely serious if not for the amused curl of his lips. “What are you doing here?”
Joonmyun grins sheepishly. “I’m not really sure,” he admits, running a hand through his hair. “Am I annoying you? I can go, if you want.”
Jongdae shakes his head. “I’m just worried you’re bored, or something.”
“I’m not,” Joonmyun says quickly. Following Jongdae through the rows and rows of books is uneventful, sure, but not boring. He doesn’t think he could ever be bored around Jongdae.
Brought out of his thoughts, Joonmyun looks around a little as they get moving again, and realizes he has no idea what section of the library they’re walking through. As usual.
“How do you keep this place straight in your head?” he asks, squinting at the closest row. “I think I need a map.”
Jongdae snorts. “I told you, I’m in here all the time.”
“Why?”
“Because the dorm I live in is affectionately referred to as ‘the man cave’,” Jongdae sighs, “which means it’s always just loud enough to make concentration impossible. Unless it’s exam season, then it’s dead silent and people like, break your door down if you cough too loud.”
Joonmyun hopes he’s exaggerating about the last part. Living on campus is already expensive enough without having to pay for property damage.
“At least here there’s a constant, you know?” Jongdae stops walking then, and Joonmyun comes to stand beside him. “It’s not exactly silent, but it’s like--” He pauses, searching for the word. “Comfortable? I don’t know. It’s something.”
“I understand,” Joonmyun says softly. He and Jongdae don’t say much while they’re between the shelves, which, granted, is partly because Joonmyun still has a hard time being noisy in a library. But there’s another side to it, Joonmyun knows - it’s not that there’s nothing to say, more that the two of them don’t need to say anything while they’re wandering together. The silence they share is, like Jongdae said, comfortable.
It’s nice having someone to just be around, and Joonmyun dares hope that maybe Jongdae feels the same way.
The two of them walk a little further side-by-side before Jongdae stops again and narrows his eyes at a certain bookcase. Joonmyun follows his gaze up and down the shelves, but doesn’t see anything out of place. “What is it?”
“Nothing major, just-- the order is wrong,” Jongdae says, and promptly pulls two armfuls of books off of one shelf. “Hold these?”
Joonmyun does, with only a little bit of discomfort caused by the hardcover digging into his ribs. Jongdae shifts the remaining books around and begins to take the others back one by one, plucking them out of Joonmyun’s arms. He bites his lip as he works, and Joonmyun definitely doesn’t stare.
When he’s finished he takes a step back from the shelf, tapping his chin as he squints at it. Joonmyun tries to shake some feeling back into his arms in what he hopes is a discreet sort of way. “All good?” he asks, bracing himself for any other books that might be shoved at him.
Jongdae doesn’t answer, but looks up at the top shelf - the very top shelf, the one that’s a solid two feet above their heads - and huffs. “Almost.”
He stands on tiptoe, stretching one arm up as high as he can trying to reach a book that’s lying across the tops of the others already lined up on the shelf. He’s not quite tall enough, though, and he settles back on the floor with a frown before reaching up again.
“Let me help you,” Joonmyun says, stepping closer, and Jongdae glances at him as he lands back on the floor again, glasses slipping down his nose.
“You’re the same height as me,” he grumbles, and stretches up again, this time with both hands. The movement upsets his balance, and he takes an unsteady step back before coming down off his toes and stumbling a little.
Joonmyun immediately moves forward to steady him, reaching out and catching his waist before he can fall completely backwards. Jongdae jumps a little at the touch and tries to spin around, but he trips over Joonmyun’s feet and loses his balance completely. Luckily, he manages to latch onto Joonmyun’s arm before he falls, but only succeeds in pulling Joonmyun down with him. The floor is hard, carpet-covered or not, and they both end up uncomfortably sprawled on it.
Joonmyun sits up first, rubbing the shoulder he had landed on. “That was not my fault,” he says, looking over at Jongdae as he struggles into a sitting position as well.
“Not mine either,” he grumbles, pushing his bangs out of his face. He’s sitting close enough that Joonmyun could knock their knees together, and his glasses have fallen off. Joonmyun takes brief note of this, then does a triple-take and stares at Jongdae’s face as he whines about all the bruises he’s going to have. Jongdae cuts off mid-sentence a few seconds later, realizing that Joonmyun hasn’t reacted to anything he’s said, and looks over at him accusingly. Joonmyun’s breath catches.
It’s weird to see his eyes out from under the lenses, but he looks a good sort of different. More real, almost, like he’s been behind some sort of screen this whole time but now he’s in the same space as Joonmyun is.
“What?” Jongdae huffs, and Joonmyun remembers that he’s supposed to be saying words.
“Your glasses,” he forces out. Jongdae’s eyes widen and his hand flies up to his face, as if to make sure that he really isn’t wearing them after all, before he ducks his head and snatches them up from the carpet. “Ah, but--”
Joonmyun isn’t really sure why he interrupts, but Jongdae pauses with his glasses halfway to his face and peeks up at him. It’s almost a sort of through-the-lashes look. On the receiving end of it, Joonmyun loses another breath.
“You look nice without them,” he manages to say. Nice doesn’t quite do him justice, but Joonmyun doesn’t think he knows a word for how Jongdae looks with his soft eyes uncovered, lips parted just a little as a blush spreads over his cheeks. Before he can think better of it he’s leaning forward a little, closing the space between them and lifting his hand to lightly touch Jongdae’s jaw.
Jongdae takes a sudden breath then, seeming to jolt back into himself, and he ducks his head away from Joonmyun to put his glasses on. He stands up quickly, all bruises from earlier forgotten, and Joonmyun is left to blink a few times before his heart sinks with the realization of what he just tried to do.
He gets to his feet slowly, but by the time he straightens up, Jongdae is turned away from him and looking up again at the book out of his reach.
“It’s getting late,” he says quietly, without looking back at Joonmyun. “I think I’m… I’m gonna get going.”
Joonmyun nods, even though Jongdae can’t see it. He’d really rather apologize for however many lines he just crossed, but if Jongdae just wants to leave, it can wait. “Okay. I probably should too.”
He lets Jongdae put a distance between them as they make their way out of the shelves, trailing further behind than he usually does while Jongdae practically speedwalks all the way to the staircase. It’s strange to go downstairs with him; Joonmyun has never seen him anywhere other than on the top floor among the bookcases, and down on the ground Jongdae seems almost out of place. There isn’t much time to dwell on it, though, and Jongdae hardly looks at him as they exit the building.
Outside, the sun is halfway through setting. Joonmyun lingers a few steps away from Jongdae, debating whether or not to speak. He wishes Jongdae would look at him again, or at least that the tension in his shoulders would disappear. The thought that an action of his is causing Jongdae to be so uncomfortable makes his stomach twist.
“It’ll be dark soon,” he starts softly, but Jongdae keeps his eyes on the ground. “I could walk with you to your building, if you want.”
Jongdae shakes his head, glancing up at Joonmyun with a weak smile as he takes a step away. “I’ll just-- I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Okay,” Joonmyun says, and lets him leave. He watches until Jongdae disappears around the corner of the building, then turns and starts back to the apartment.
He knows that he overstepped a boundary and understands why Jongdae is acting the way he is, but he still can’t shake the sick feeling rolling around in his chest. Jongdae had looked so upset and uneasy, not making any attempt to laugh it off as an awkward situation - he just wanted to get out of the library and put as much space between himself and Joonmyun as fast as possible.
Dwelling on it makes Joonmyun feel a bit sick. He walks a little faster and tries not to think about how Jongdae had looked while hurrying to get away from him.
--
The lights are off when Joonmyun gets inside, and he almost slams the door shut before he feels bad and closes it softly instead. The door isn’t the one he’s angry with, it’s himself, and nothing in the apartment deserves to be lashed out at. He starts down the hallway, eager to lock himself in his room and find a distraction before he gets any more upset. There’s a pair of jeans crumpled on the floor outside Baekhyun’s room - Chanyeol’s, judging by how long the legs are - but Joonmyun doesn’t let himself linger on what that means, and steps over them. He’ll deal with whatever had apparently gone down while he was away when he’s done feeling like he wants to throttle himself.
Inside his room he immediately looks for something to take his mind off things, something to distract him from heaviness in his chest and the wallowing spiral he can feel coming on. He had finished all his homework earlier in the day, leaving him nothing to work on. He takes a moment to curse his punctuality about completing assignments. Even the book he was reading is finished, and he had returned it afterwards, so there’s nothing--
Nothing except the third book Jongdae had given him, which he had left in his bag the day before. Joonmyun takes it out slowly and sits on his bed with it, staring at the cover. He doesn’t mean to think of the sticky notes as fast as he does, but he figures he should check for one just in case. Maybe the third time will be the opposite-of-charm, and it’ll come up empty.
Sure enough, it doesn’t.
“I was given permission to love, yet I could sense - I cannot quite explain how - that oceans were now trapped in aquariums.”
Joonmyun thinks it over as he sticks it on his desk next to the other two, lining them up neatly. Maybe Sehun was right after all - even if they were left by accident, now that he has three of them it’s too much of a coincidence for them all to be from one singular previous reader. It makes more sense for the notes to have been written by the top floor librarians, to spur interest in the stories - or incite confusion as they had for Joonmyun, whichever. Less romanticized, sure, but still kind of sweet. The idea of some mysterious past reader leaving him secret messages seems more and more ridiculous the longer Joonmyun considers it.
The librarians had never been present while he has upstairs, but they must have done a lot of work to leave so many messages behind. Joonmyun wonders briefly if there’s a note in every book, but quickly dismisses the idea. There’s no way that every single novel in the vast maze that is the upper floor library has a handwritten note inside.
He’s suddenly hit by unbidden thoughts of Jongdae leading him through the book-lined aisles, nearly falling backwards into his arms, then looking up at him with his eyes uncovered by his glasses, and Joonmyun cuts himself off before he can think about the parts after that.
He climbs back on his bed and leans back against his pillows, rubbing his eyes - but with eyes closed the memory is even clearer, and all he can see is how Jongdae’s lips had looked as he leaned in, soft and pink and--
And there’s some small part of himself, Joonmyun realizes, that wishes he had leaned just a little closer. it’s awful and selfish and more true than he wants it to be, so he stares up at the ceiling and tries not to close his eyes again.
He hears Baekhyun’s door open, later, and Chanyeol’s muffled voice before the front door opens and closes. The shower turns on a bit afterwards, and the apartment is quiet enough that the sound of Baekhyun singing very softly filters through all the doors between them. Eventually the light from the window isn’t enough to fill his room anymore, but Joonmyun stays where he is, lying in the dark. It’s a long time before he falls asleep.
--
In the morning Joonmyun ignores half his wake-up routine and forgoes his usual button-down in favour of a soft hoodie and sweatpants. He sits on the couch and pushes bits of wheat around his cereal bowl until Baekhyun eventually stumbles out of his room and turns on the coffeemaker. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he sits down next to Joonmyun and yawns widely.
They sit quietly for a few minutes before Baekhyun seems to suddenly reach full wakefulness and turns to stare at him.
“What,” Joonmyun says.
“You look like you’re moping,” Baekhyun says, almost with a sense of wonder. “Why are you moping?”
“I’m not,” Joonmyun grumbles, and curls his legs up on the couch.
Baekhyun gives his sweatpants a very serious look. “Uh-huh.”
“You’re not exactly business-casual either.”
“Yeah, but three quarters of your closet is. Did something--”
“As long as we’re on the topic of clothes,” Joonmyun says quickly, “what about Chanyeol?”
Baekhyun narrows his eyes. “What about Chanyeol?”
“Namely, his pants in the middle of the hall last night.” Joonmyun watches Baekhyun’s cheeks turn pink, then drops his eyes back to his cereal bowl. “Are you and him-- you know.” He gestures vaguely with his spoon. “A thing?”
In spite of the blush spreading over his face, Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “You have to be a bit more specific.”
Joonmyun nudges him with his foot. “Together, I mean,” he says softly, feeling his own cheeks start to heat up. “In a... clothes-off sort of way.”
Baekhyun snorts loudly. “Is that what the kids are calling it these days? I thought it was just ‘going steady’.”
“You know what I meant,” Joonmyun huffs, and Baekhyun sticks his tongue out at him. “Fine. Are you going steady with Chanyeol?”
“Yeah,” Baekhyun says easily, folding his arms behind his head. He would seem entirely relaxed if not for the blush still colouring his face. “I asked, he said okay. He also forgot his pants in the hall, but that’s another story.”
Joonmyun grimaces. “Never tell it to me.”
“What’s that?” Baekhyun asks innocently, cupping a hand to his ear. “Tell it right now? Well, if you insist. It started on this very couch--”
He’s cut off by a sudden knock on the door, and Joonmyun sighs in relief as Baekhyun heaves himself up off the couch to answer it, dragging his feet as he goes. As soon as Baekhyun is out of sight, Joonmyun slumps into the couch cushions, his mood crashing back down to where it had been since the night before.
Every detail of his library visit is still fresh in his mind, no matter how he tries to push the thoughts away. For the time being, deflecting Baekhyun’s questions about his current behaviour is easier than explaining his actions. He resumes stirring his mushy bits of cereal, listening when the door opens.
“Sup,” he hears Chanyeol say.
“When I said come over early, I meant at like noon,” Baekhyun tells him, but the door closes and Joonmyun can hear Chanyeol snickering. He peeks over the back of the couch as the two of them move into the kitchen, watching as Baekhyun gets out two mugs and turns off the coffeemaker, but he quickly turns back around when Chanyeol glances over.
“Morning,” Chanyeol calls to him, but Baekhyun just sighs.
“Don’t bug him, he’s moping.”
“I’m not moping,” Joonmyun says. Chanyeol comes around the side of the couch anyway, looking concerned.
“Is everything okay?” he asks, sounding so genuinely worried that Joonmyun can’t help the words climbing up his throat.
“I think--” He pauses the put down his cereal, then scrubs his hands over his face. “I think I messed up. With someone I like.”
“Someone you like,” Baekhyun calls from the kitchen, “or someone you like?”
“What do you think?” Joonmyun huffs as Chanyeol sits down next to him, slinging his arm over the back of the couch.
“Well, I think if you explain your feelings, and stuff,” Chanyeol says carefully, “then it’ll be… less messed up. Honesty is the best medicine, isn’t it?”
“I think you mean laughter,” Baekhyun says, walking over and handing a steaming cup to Chanyeol before turning to Joonmyun. “Speaking of, don’t you have class in like, twenty minutes?”
Joonmyun groans and curls up again, hiding his face in the arm of the couch. Baekhyun pats his shoulder. “Chin up,” he yips. “Go brush your teeth, I’ll find you some real clothes.”
--
Through all his classes, Joonmyun is distracted. Even when he arrives to the tutor group classroom, he’s not as bright as he usually is, and he can tell that the kids notice there’s something a little off. They’re all far enough along in writing that they don’t really need any more help, but they ask Joonmyun for pointers anyway.
Jongin stays awake for the whole class, and even speaks up a few times with questions. Zitao paws at Joonmyun’s arm whenever he starts to zone out, asking for a word’s meaning or pronunciation, and Kyungsoo asks him to read over his outline, even though Joonmyun knows that he knows it’s just fine.
It’s Sehun, though, that waits by the door and pretends to search through his bag for something until Joonmyun moves to leave, and then walks down the stairs and to the exit with him. It’s a little weird, but Joonmyun appreciates the effort they’ve all put in to comfort him, even if they don’t know what the problem is. He pretends not to notice all the times Sehun glances at him out of the corner of his eye.
Once they’ve left the building and reached the sidewalk outside, Sehun pauses for a moment, apparently about to walk in the opposite direction from Joonmyun. He seems to have a few seconds of internal debate before looking up.
“See you on wednesday,” he says quietly, and scurries away before Joonmyun can react - which is probably for the best, Joonmyun concedes, because if Sehun had stuck around he might’ve had to deal with something truly embarrassing, like Joonmyun hugging him. Or crying.
Joonmyun does feel better as he walks back home, even when he passes by the library. He looks up at the second floor windows and thinks of what Chanyeol had said, about being honest. Things could get better if he just goes and talks to Jongdae, he supposes. Maybe if he explains that he does really like him, but knows that he overstepped the day before?
More than anything he just wants to apologize and go back to how things were at first. Even if Jongdae doesn’t accept it and never wants to see him again, he needs to at least try - and before he really knows what he’s doing, he’s inside the library and halfway up the stairs.
Jongdae isn’t there, though. Joonmyun searches near the outermost bookcases and around some corners, but finds no trace of him. He could be deeper in the shelves, of course, but Joonmyun doesn’t trust himself to go looking and not get lost.
He sits down to wait instead, leaning back against a shelf and looking back and forth between the top of the staircase and the rows of books around him. It’s a while before he remembers that he still has Self with him and opens it to read while he waits, and a while longer before he hears anything other than the muted sounds from the floor below.
He breaks himself out of the story at the sound of footsteps on the stairs, looking up midway through a paragraph just as Jongdae appears at the top.
“Oh,” Jongdae says, spotting him, and Joonmyun stands up quickly.
“Hey,” he greets, trying to smile. Jongdae doesn’t move. Joonmyun thinks briefly of the last time he had arrived first, and how Jongdae had grinned as soon as he saw him. “Do you have a minute?”
“Sure,” Jongdae says slowly, but he still seems tense as he steps away from the stairs.
Joonmyun meets him halfway, taking a deep breath. “I just. I wanted to tell you, I--” His gaze flickers down to where Jongdae’s fingers are tightening around the strap of his shoulder bag. It’s not exactly the sort of feedback he was hoping for.
He had no idea Jongdae would feel that uncomfortable just speaking to him. Or being spoken to. Joonmyun runs through everything he had planned to say in his head, and imagines Jongdae’s unpleasant reaction. What was he thinking?
“--I need your help,” he says instead. “To find a book.”
Jongdae seems to unwind a little, but he doesn’t look entirely relieved. “What book?”
Joonmyun blurts the first title that comes to his mind. “The Messenger. I want to-- uh, reread it.”
Jongdae nods. “I’ll get it for you,” he says quietly, already stepping away from him. “Stay here.”
That throws Joonmyun a little, but he stays put and lets Jongdae go off into the shelves alone.
It’s strange; even on their first meeting, Jongdae had let Joonmyun follow him around in search of the novel he needed. Not to mention every time after that. But maybe it’s gotten on his nerves? Maybe he doesn’t like Joonmyun trailing after him, maybe he never did. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to be alone with him between the bookshelves again.
Joonmyun’s heart sinks lower and lower with each miserable thought. When Jongdae reappears with the book in hand, Joonmyun focuses solely on putting one foot in front of the other and follows him to the check-out desk.
He smiles a little when Jongdae scans the book for him, happy that there’s at least one thing that hasn’t changed, but Jongdae’s expression is blank when he turns around. It hurts more than Joonmyun thought it would. He takes the book from his hand and tries to think of something to say, but Jongdae speaks first.
“Is that all?” he asks, almost impatiently. Joonmyun flinches a little.
“Yeah, I’ll just…” He backs up towards the staircase, and Jongdae gives him a short nod before turning away. Joonmyun watches him disappear into the shelves, then starts down the stairs, wishing he could disappear too.
He doesn’t remember the walk across campus, but suddenly he’s back in the apartment. It’s too quiet for him to be anything other than alone, but he still takes care not to make too much noise as he pads down the hall to his room.
Once the door is closed behind him Joonmyun takes a deep breath. For a moment he feels like he might cry, like all the stress and hurt has built up enough to spill over, but then the feeling leaves, and he’s just tired. Tired and sad and wanting to rewind, but he can’t.
He takes The Messenger out of his bag but doesn’t look at it, instead setting it on his desk. He purposefully places it on top of the three notes stuck there so he doesn’t have to look at those, either.
He doesn’t want to think about the library - doesn’t want to think at all, really. It’s only just beginning to get dark out, but he goes to bed anyway.
--
A lot of hours later, Joonmyun wakes up to light knocking on his door and opens his eyes just as the handle begins to turn. It’s pushed open a crack and Baekhyun peeks through into the room.
“Hey,” he greets, his voice soft like he’s not sure how loud he should speak. “It’s getting kind of late, so I thought you might want to get up.”
Joonmyun glances at his clock. It’s almost noon.
He debates just rolling over and closing his eyes again, but as soon as he moves to do so Baekhyun pushes his door open all the way and marches across the room. “Come on,” he urges, tugging on Joonmyun’s blankets. “I’m sure you’ve got something to do today.”
“I really don’t,” Joonmyun croaks, trying to wiggle away, but Baekhyun yanks the sheets out of his grip before he can cocoon himself in them.
“Look, Chanyeol’s in the kitchen, and he said he’d make-- dude, did you sleep in your jeans?” Baekhyun stares at Joonmyun’s sleeping attire as he pulls the blankets off. “Are you feeling okay?”
Joonmyun just sighs, nudging Baekhyun away so he can swing his legs over the side of the bed and sit up. He still feels exhausted even after sleeping for so long, but he knows it’s has nothing to do with being well-rested or not. The fatigue and vague sort of sadness are settled on him like an extra layer of skin.
“I’m gonna… shower.” His jeans feel stiff and uncomfortable on his legs, now that Baekhyun has pointed them out.
“Alright,” Baekhyun says, stepping out of his way so he can stand up. He bites his lip as he watches Joonmyun gather up some clean clothes. “Do you-- do you want help, or anything?”
Halfway to his dresser, Joonmyun pauses and looks back at him. “You’re offering to shower with me?”
Baekhyun turns red and crosses his arms, avoiding his gaze. “It was just a suggestion,” he says defensively. “Since you’re like, tired and stuff. Don’t make it sound weird.”
Joonmyun smiles at him, the first real smile in what feels like a long time. “I’ll be okay,” he assures him. “Thank you, though. Really.”
Baekhyun turns away and waves him towards the bathroom, but Joonmyun can tell that he’s trying not to grin.
He does feel better after showering and changing into fresh clothes, even if he’s still a little tired. At least it’s Saturday, and he doesn’t have anywhere to be. He puts the things he wore to sleep in the laundry and makes his bed, smoothing the sheets out where Baekhyun had rumpled them up. Chanyeol comes in a little later with a plate of pancakes, looking ready to drop everything and wrap Joonmyun in a hug if he so much as frowns. Joonmyun makes sure to smile at him as he carefully takes the plate.
There’s something written in syrup across the edge of it, but Chanyeol’s handwriting is barely legible on paper, let alone while it’s dripping onto pancakes. Judging by the lopsided smiley face at the end, Joonmyun assumes it spells out something of a feel-good message. A very Chanyeol thing to do. Also, tasty.
Still, the sugary late breakfast does little to lift the last bit of exhaustion from Joonmyun’s shoulders. His thoughts keep drifting back to the library no matter how hard he tries to avoid it. He had thought that maybe after his long sleep the last few days wouldn’t be so sharp in his mind, but he could still recall everything clearly.
He catches himself halfway through a daydream of going up the library stairs one more time, just in case someone is waiting at the top - but quickly banishes the thought. No one would be there anyway, not for him. Not anymore. Joonmyun shakes his head and sets about finding something to distract himself with.
A while later, when he’s sitting on his bed going over next week’s discussion questions for lack of anything better to do, Baekhyun wanders into his room again. He doesn’t say anything, just looks around like his plain gray walls are thought-provoking works of art. Joonmyun raises his eyebrows, slowly closing his notebook. “Do you need something?”
“Nope,” Baekhyun says, folding his hands behind his back. “Just, you know. Making sure you’re doing okay.”
Joonmyun sets the notebook aside. “I’m alright. You don’t have to keep checking on me.”
Baekhyun sighs dramatically. “Fine, then. I guess I’ll leave you alone.” He hesitates for a moment, waiting for Joonmyun to interject, but he doesn’t. With a huff, Baekhyun spins on his heel. “Lord forbid anyone try to be a supportive friend in this house!” he cries, and gets two steps into his theatrical exit before he stops, looking at Joonmyun’s desk.
“Hey,” he says, dropping the mock-offense act to walk over and poke the copy of The Messenger resting on the desktop. “I thought you finished this one already.”
Joonmyun glances at it. “I took it out again.”
Raising his eyebrows, Baekhyun picks it up to examine, but immediately notices the sticky notes hidden underneath. “What are these?”
“Oh.” Joonmyun had almost forgotten about them. “They’re just-- I found them in some of the other ones I read. They have quotes from the novels on.”
Baekhyun wrinkles his nose, leaning down to read them. “I guess it’s not the weirdest thing to find in a library book,” he sighs, “but still…”
“But still what?” Joonmyun says, sitting up and snatching the book out of Baekhyun’s hand. He feels suddenly defensive about the notes, and wishes he hadn’t let Baekhyun see them at all. “It’s just something the librarians do.”
“Um,” Chanyeol pipes up from where he’s hovering in the doorway, making them both jump. “Are you sure?”
“What else would it be?” Joonmyun says, harsher than he means to. Chanyeol flinches a little.
“I don’t know,” he admits, rubbing the back of his neck. “But I took a book out from there two or three days ago, and no one left me any notes.”
“I didn’t know you used the library,” Baekhyun says, squinting at him.
“I spent like, three solid hours reading a chem textbook,” Chanyeol explains. “I needed something fictional to keep my brain from melting out my ears.”
Joonmyun tunes them out, staring at the neat line of notes on his desk. Chanyeol can’t be right. If they aren’t a part of something that the library just does, then what else could they possibly be? Unless--
He thinks of Jongdae, following him through the maze of bookshelves and watching him pick out novels along the way. Of every time Jongdae had scanned a book for him and handed it over with a smile, books that he had thought Joonmyun would like. He blinks at the notes, then looks down at the book in his hands.
“You okay?” Baekhyun asks.
Joonmyun nods, but doesn’t look up. “Yeah, I just…”
He opens the book carefully, and on the very first page, there’s a note.
“Our footsteps run, and I don’t want them to end. I want to run and laugh and feel like this forever.
I want to stay here, in this moment, and never go to other places, where we don't know what to say or what to do.”
Oh.
“Oh,” Joonmyun says, and Baekhyun peeks over his shoulder to read it as well.
“I have no idea what that means,” he sighs, “but I’m going to go out on a limb and say you’re an idiot.”
Chanyeol makes another confused face, but Joonmyun ignores them both and takes the note out, clutching it in his hand. He shoves the book at Baekhyun before bolting down the hall to the front door.
“Where are you going?” Baekhyun calls after him.
“The library,” he shouts back, already slipping his shoes on.
“On a saturday?” Chanyeol cries, but Joonmyun is gone by the time he and Baekhyun reach the door. Baekhyun sighs, tossing the book onto the kitchen table, and heads into the living room.
“What’s got him so worked up?” Chanyeol asks, bewildered, as he follows. “Books? Joonmyun’s not weird about books, is he?”
Baekhyun hums, considering it. “He’s kind of weird about books,” he decides, and pulls Chanyeol down onto the couch with him.
--
Joonmyun runs most of the way to the library, but pauses outside the front doors to catch his breath and regain some composure. It wouldn’t really do to burst in and cause a scene as he sprints to the staircase, so he takes a few deep breaths before standing up straight and heading inside. He stops at the foot of the stairs, feeling nervous like the first time he had been there, but takes one glance down at the note in his hand and makes himself start to climb.
Halfway up he realizes that he has no idea if Jongdae will be around or not. Does he even come in on weekends? Could he have left already? Joonmyun moves a little faster, eager to get to the top and start searching. Only a few steps below the landing, a shadow falls over him and he pauses, looking up.
Jongdae is in his path, his foot halfway to the first step down, staring at him. His expression goes carefully blank when he registers who he’s looking at, but still backs up a step and moves aside. Joonmyun pushes away his relief as he climbs the last steps, remembering why he’s there in the first place.
“Um,” he says, only a little out of breath. “Can we talk? Somewhere?”
“We’re the only ones up here,” Jongdae murmurs, like the answer is an automatic reaction. He looks apprehensive for a few moments, but does eventually turn around and start toward the bookcases. Joonmyun follows him without a word.
He’s not sure how long they walk for, or how deep they get into the shelves, before Jongdae turns around abruptly. He fixes Joonmyun with a hard stare, his jaw set.
“What’s this about?” he asks. He sounds more impatient than anything. It stings a little, but Joonmyun takes a deep breath and holds out his hand. Jongdae looks confused until he opens his palm and reveals the note, a little crumpled at the edges but still legible. Jongdae’s eyes widen before he flushes red and looks down at the floor.
“It’s from you, right?” Joonmyun asks quietly. Jongdae gives a small, hesitant nod but doesn’t look up. “Were all of them from you?”
“They’re just quotes I like,” Jongdae mumbles, shuffling his feet. “I didn’t mean to weird you out, or whatever.”
He’s so nervous, Joonmyun realizes, staring at him. He’s giving them both an out if the situation gets awkward or takes a negative turn. But Joonmyun doesn’t want an out, so he steps a little closer.
“Jongdae,” he says softly, waiting for him to look up. Jongdae shakes his head a little, but Joonmyun can see the blush on his cheeks and can’t help smiling. “I’m not weirded out,” he tells him, taking another step. “I think I’m the opposite of weirded out, to be honest.”
Jongdae lifts his hands and for a moment Joonmyun thinks he’s going to push him away, but instead he curls his fingers in Joonmyun’s shirt. He takes a deep breath and raises his head, but keeps his gaze down. “Really?”
“Really,” Joonmyun assures him, placing his hands lightly on Jongdae’s hips. Jongdae doesn’t jerk away, so Joonmyun takes it as a good sign. “Why did you leave them for me?” he asks, and watches Jongdae’s blush deepen.
“Because… they’re my favourite parts,” Jongdae answers quietly, and meets Joonmyun’s gaze shyly. “I wanted to share them with you.”
Joonmyun stares back at him for a moment, his brain unable to come up with a response that would accurately convey the pure elation building up in his chest. He goes just a second too long without replying and sees doubt flicker across Jongdae’s face, so he ducks in and kisses him.
He feels Jongdae stiffen in surprise for a moment before he presses back against his lips, and Joonmyun tries his absolute hardest not to smile. He doesn’t quite manage it though, and their mouths disconnect - only because Jongdae is grinning too. His glasses are just a little bit crooked.
“I thought you didn’t notice them,” he breathes. “I kept waiting and waiting for you to say something, but you never did.”
Joonmyun winds his arms around Jongdae’s waist and pulls him closer. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs. “It just took me a while to realize who they were from.”
“A really, really long while,” Jongdae says, pouting, but Joonmyun pouts right back at him.
“How was I supposed to know? Plus, when I tried to kiss you before--”
“You scared me, okay,” Jongdae says, curling his fingers a little tighter. “I mean, I wanted you to, but I didn’t want it to just be something you did, like, in the moment.” He blushes a little more and looks down again. “I wanted it to be-- I don’t know. Real.”
Joonmyun’s heart does a backflip in his chest. He leans in and brushes his lips over Jongdae’s, just lightly.
“It was,” he breathes, pulling back when Jongdae looks back up at him. “It still is.”
Jongdae snickers, sliding his hands up to Joonmyun’s shoulders. “I really like you,” Joonmyun tells him.
“It’d be kind of awkward if you didn’t, after all this,” Jongdae hums.
Joonmyun hushes him, smiling, and lifts a hand to straighten his glasses. Jongdae looks a little surprised when he does, blinking behind the frames, before he huffs and reaches up himself to take them off entirely. Joonmyun has only a moment to bask in the image of glasses-less Jongdae once more before fingers are curling in his hair, and Jongdae tugs him forward for another kiss.
--
Joonmyun lets the kids leave early from tutoring on wednesday, volunteering himself to stay behind and clean up. There isn’t much of a mess, just some bits of paper on the floor and a chair or two knocked over, so he drags the recycling bin to the centre of the room and gets to work.
He only pauses when there’s a knock at the door, and looks up to see Jongdae stepping into the room. He’s not wearing his glasses. Joonmyun nearly drops all the scraps he’s holding.
“Everything okay in here?” Jongdae asks, looking around at the remnants of the mess. Joonmyun smiles and waves him closer, depositing his handful of paper into the recycling bin.
“Nothing to worry about,” he says, righting both fallen chairs before bending down again. “The kids handed in their term papers earlier today, so we had a little bit of celebration.”
Jongdae raises his eyebrows at the few bits of paper still scattered on the floor. “What did they do, print out extra copies and tear them up?”
“We had to make confetti somehow,” Joonmyun says with a shrug. “Oh, by the way! I almost forgot--”
He straightens up and drops the last few scraps of paper into the bin, then fishes around in his bag for a moment before producing an envelope. He hands it to Jongdae with a grin.
Jongdae gives him a strange look, but takes it and pulls out the card inside. His eyes scan the inside for a couple seconds before he starts laughing. “Did you really--?”
“I told you I would,” Joonmyun says, amused. “Look, all four of them signed it. Zitao even drew you a picture.”
“Who added the hearts around my name?” Jongdae asks, tracing them with one finger.
“Ah, well,” Joonmyun says, slinging his arm over Jongdae’s shoulders. “Sehun did that.”
Jongdae snorts. “Are you sure?”
“What, you don’t believe me?”
“I’m just saying, you have no proof,” Jongdae hums. “For all I know, it could’ve been you.”
“It could’ve,” Joonmyun agrees, tugging the card and envelope out of his hands and placing them on the table, “but I don’t think I’m that subtle.”
“Really?” Jongdae laughs, and Joonmyun leans in to kiss him. He feels Jongdae sigh as their mouths slide together, licking along his bottom lip before pulling away.
He leans his forehead against Jongdae’s for a moment, hovering over his lips. “Really.”
Jongdae just smiles and slips out from under his arm, gathering up the card and envelope before he heads to the door. “It really was Sehun, though,” Joonmyun says, slinging his bag over his shoulder before following after him. “He likes messing with me, or something.”
Jongdae hums again, waiting outside in the hall as Joonmyun turns out the lights and closes the door behind them. “Remind me to thank him, sometime.”
“Please don’t team up with my students,” Joonmyun groans as they start down the hallway. “I mean, I love them, but the four of them plus you will put too much strain on my nerves.”
“Aw,” Jongdae coos, pinching his side. “Do you need help relaxing your poor strained nerves?”
“Maybe I do,” Joonmyun says with an exaggerated pout, rubbing the sore spot, but Jongdae pulls his hand away and links their fingers together. Joonmyun can’t help smiling.
“What can I do to help?” Jongdae asks, pushing open the front doors so they can step outside. The weather is nice, Joonmyun notes. Having Jongdae’s hand against his is also nice.
He tugs Jongdae back under the awning of the building and kisses him again, shorter this time. When he pulls back, Jongdae raises an eyebrow at him.
“Come over for dinner,” Joonmyun says.
Jongdae snickers. “Wow, you really aren’t subtle.”
“Is that a yes?” Joonmyun presses as they start walking again, linked hands swinging between them. “I can kick my roommate out, he owes me one anyway.”
Jongdae seems to consider it. “What if I want to meet him?” he asks, and Joonmyun nearly stops walking again.
“You teaming up with Baekhyun would be ten times worse than with the kids,” he says seriously, but Jongdae just laughs.
He leans up to kiss Joonmyun’s cheek, squeezing his hand where it’s clasped in his own. “Good thing I’m here to help you relax, then.”
> the books joonmyun reads are, in order, the messenger by markus zusak, please look after mom by shin kyungsook, and self by yann tiersen
> i’ve read……. none of them woops
After his singular class the next morning, Joonmyun spends a few hours in his room writing an outline for one paper and compiling citations for another. He finishes faster than he expects to, glancing at the clock while he leans back in his chair to stretch and realizing it’s still relatively early in the afternoon, and decides he can spend the rest of the day reading something other than online articles.
He pads out into the kitchen, peeking through the doorway to the living room where Baekhyun and Chanyeol are spread out on the carpet with notes and textbooks open around them. They’re being as quiet as they can manage to be when they’re together, and Joonmyun smiles fondly before turning to pick his copy of Please Look After Mom up off the table. He had tried, during dinner the night before, to make another dent in it, but Baekhyun’s habit of yelling at the television during singing competition shows had kept him from doing so. Joonmyun figures that if the apartment stays quiet, he can spend the rest of the afternoon on the couch with the last few chapters.
He turns back around to find that Baekhyun has appeared right beside him out of nowhere, but gets dragged out into the hallway before he can voice his surprise.
“Is something wrong?” he asks, only to be shushed immediately as Baekhyun glances back through the kitchen. Joonmyun follows his gaze and sees one of Chanyeol’s feet through the doorway, lying in the same spot he was in before Baekhyun teleported to the kitchen.
“So, listen,” Baekhyun starts, half whispering as he looks back at Joonmyun, “I know you’ve got the rest of the day free, but-- Chanyeol and I, could we… kick you out for a bit?”
“I didn’t know you had so much tact,” Joonmyun laughs, and Baekhyun punches him in the arm.
“Seriously,” he says, eyes flickering to the living room again. His cheeks look a little pink, Joonmyun notices. That’s weird. “Even just for a couple hours--”
“It’s fine, Baek,” Joonmyun says, and he means it - he’s been in his room for most of the day so far, and it’d be good to go outside. The weather is nice, anyway.
He grabs his keys off the counter and starts towards the front door, book under his arm. “A-are you sure?” Baekhyun asks, following him down the hall.
“Of course,” he says. “You two were quiet while I was working, so it’s only fair to give you some time to be noisy.” He bends down to put his shoes on, not noticing how Baekhyun flushes darker. “Just make sure you’re not too loud. Try not to disturb any of the other tenants, okay?”
“Uh--”
“I mean, you guys are just going to play video games or whatever, right?” Joonmyun straightens up again, opening the door and looking back at Baekhyun when he doesn’t reply. He raises his eyebrows at how red his roommate’s face is. “You alright?”
“Yep,” Baekhyun says quickly. “We’re just-- video games and-- loud. Yes.”
Joonmyun rolls his eyes and exits the apartment, hoping Baekhyun did actually process some of what he said. Their TV has a volume limit for a reason, after all.
He takes his time going down the stairs and out to the quad, sitting in a sunny patch of grass and taking a moment to appreciate the fresh air before he opens his book. There’s still at least a third left to read, but by the time Joonmyun turns the last page he finds that it hasn’t even been two hours since he left the apartment. He flops back in the grass, letting the book fall closed.
Surely there are other ways he could pass the time - he could nap, right there on the quad, but a less sleepy part of his brain tells him that it’s probably not a good idea. He could go for a walk, maybe, but could he make it last another hour or two?
He sighs and looks sideways at the book lying in the grass beside him, considering his options. There is, he supposes, another place he could spend the end of the afternoon, made all the more convenient for having this now-finished book with him…
Joonmyun hesitates for all of five seconds before sitting up and setting off in the direction of the library building.
It’s a little later in the afternoon than when he usually goes, not to mention the fact that he had visited just the day before, so he tries, as he climbs the stairs, not to get his hopes of seeing Jongdae up too high. Their schedules have probably aligned just coincidentally enough for Joonmyun to never miss him up until now, but this time his being in the library isn’t part of his schedule at all.
Still, he drops the finished book through the return slot and steps between the shelves, looking around corners and wishing he could remember what sections he had found Jongdae in on other days - not that he would be able to find those sections again, necessarily, but it’d be nice to have a vague sense of direction.
He can’t help smiling in relief when he does find Jongdae, reshelving what looks like half the English playwright section. That’s what Joonmyun guesses it is, anyway, after he nearly trips over several leather bound Complete Works of William Shakespeares stacked on the floor. Jongdae looks up and smiles at him.
“Back so soon?”
“Apparently,” Joonmyun says, but waves Jongdae away when he moves to abandon the shelf he’s rearranging. “Don’t let me stop you! I don’t need you to find anything for me today, so you can just…” He trails off, gesturing vaguely, and Jongdae rolls his eyes playfully before turning back to the shelf.
It doesn’t take him long to finish, and soon enough he’s moving on through the aisles to a different section, pausing every now and then to pick up fallen books and put them back in order. It feels familiar enough for Joonmyun to let his mind wander as he follows behind. He’s halfway to autopilot when Jongdae stops suddenly and turns around, and Joonmyun nearly walks into him.
The look Jongdae gives him would be entirely serious if not for the amused curl of his lips. “What are you doing here?”
Joonmyun grins sheepishly. “I’m not really sure,” he admits, running a hand through his hair. “Am I annoying you? I can go, if you want.”
Jongdae shakes his head. “I’m just worried you’re bored, or something.”
“I’m not,” Joonmyun says quickly. Following Jongdae through the rows and rows of books is uneventful, sure, but not boring. He doesn’t think he could ever be bored around Jongdae.
Brought out of his thoughts, Joonmyun looks around a little as they get moving again, and realizes he has no idea what section of the library they’re walking through. As usual.
“How do you keep this place straight in your head?” he asks, squinting at the closest row. “I think I need a map.”
Jongdae snorts. “I told you, I’m in here all the time.”
“Why?”
“Because the dorm I live in is affectionately referred to as ‘the man cave’,” Jongdae sighs, “which means it’s always just loud enough to make concentration impossible. Unless it’s exam season, then it’s dead silent and people like, break your door down if you cough too loud.”
Joonmyun hopes he’s exaggerating about the last part. Living on campus is already expensive enough without having to pay for property damage.
“At least here there’s a constant, you know?” Jongdae stops walking then, and Joonmyun comes to stand beside him. “It’s not exactly silent, but it’s like--” He pauses, searching for the word. “Comfortable? I don’t know. It’s something.”
“I understand,” Joonmyun says softly. He and Jongdae don’t say much while they’re between the shelves, which, granted, is partly because Joonmyun still has a hard time being noisy in a library. But there’s another side to it, Joonmyun knows - it’s not that there’s nothing to say, more that the two of them don’t need to say anything while they’re wandering together. The silence they share is, like Jongdae said, comfortable.
It’s nice having someone to just be around, and Joonmyun dares hope that maybe Jongdae feels the same way.
The two of them walk a little further side-by-side before Jongdae stops again and narrows his eyes at a certain bookcase. Joonmyun follows his gaze up and down the shelves, but doesn’t see anything out of place. “What is it?”
“Nothing major, just-- the order is wrong,” Jongdae says, and promptly pulls two armfuls of books off of one shelf. “Hold these?”
Joonmyun does, with only a little bit of discomfort caused by the hardcover digging into his ribs. Jongdae shifts the remaining books around and begins to take the others back one by one, plucking them out of Joonmyun’s arms. He bites his lip as he works, and Joonmyun definitely doesn’t stare.
When he’s finished he takes a step back from the shelf, tapping his chin as he squints at it. Joonmyun tries to shake some feeling back into his arms in what he hopes is a discreet sort of way. “All good?” he asks, bracing himself for any other books that might be shoved at him.
Jongdae doesn’t answer, but looks up at the top shelf - the very top shelf, the one that’s a solid two feet above their heads - and huffs. “Almost.”
He stands on tiptoe, stretching one arm up as high as he can trying to reach a book that’s lying across the tops of the others already lined up on the shelf. He’s not quite tall enough, though, and he settles back on the floor with a frown before reaching up again.
“Let me help you,” Joonmyun says, stepping closer, and Jongdae glances at him as he lands back on the floor again, glasses slipping down his nose.
“You’re the same height as me,” he grumbles, and stretches up again, this time with both hands. The movement upsets his balance, and he takes an unsteady step back before coming down off his toes and stumbling a little.
Joonmyun immediately moves forward to steady him, reaching out and catching his waist before he can fall completely backwards. Jongdae jumps a little at the touch and tries to spin around, but he trips over Joonmyun’s feet and loses his balance completely. Luckily, he manages to latch onto Joonmyun’s arm before he falls, but only succeeds in pulling Joonmyun down with him. The floor is hard, carpet-covered or not, and they both end up uncomfortably sprawled on it.
Joonmyun sits up first, rubbing the shoulder he had landed on. “That was not my fault,” he says, looking over at Jongdae as he struggles into a sitting position as well.
“Not mine either,” he grumbles, pushing his bangs out of his face. He’s sitting close enough that Joonmyun could knock their knees together, and his glasses have fallen off. Joonmyun takes brief note of this, then does a triple-take and stares at Jongdae’s face as he whines about all the bruises he’s going to have. Jongdae cuts off mid-sentence a few seconds later, realizing that Joonmyun hasn’t reacted to anything he’s said, and looks over at him accusingly. Joonmyun’s breath catches.
It’s weird to see his eyes out from under the lenses, but he looks a good sort of different. More real, almost, like he’s been behind some sort of screen this whole time but now he’s in the same space as Joonmyun is.
“What?” Jongdae huffs, and Joonmyun remembers that he’s supposed to be saying words.
“Your glasses,” he forces out. Jongdae’s eyes widen and his hand flies up to his face, as if to make sure that he really isn’t wearing them after all, before he ducks his head and snatches them up from the carpet. “Ah, but--”
Joonmyun isn’t really sure why he interrupts, but Jongdae pauses with his glasses halfway to his face and peeks up at him. It’s almost a sort of through-the-lashes look. On the receiving end of it, Joonmyun loses another breath.
“You look nice without them,” he manages to say. Nice doesn’t quite do him justice, but Joonmyun doesn’t think he knows a word for how Jongdae looks with his soft eyes uncovered, lips parted just a little as a blush spreads over his cheeks. Before he can think better of it he’s leaning forward a little, closing the space between them and lifting his hand to lightly touch Jongdae’s jaw.
Jongdae takes a sudden breath then, seeming to jolt back into himself, and he ducks his head away from Joonmyun to put his glasses on. He stands up quickly, all bruises from earlier forgotten, and Joonmyun is left to blink a few times before his heart sinks with the realization of what he just tried to do.
He gets to his feet slowly, but by the time he straightens up, Jongdae is turned away from him and looking up again at the book out of his reach.
“It’s getting late,” he says quietly, without looking back at Joonmyun. “I think I’m… I’m gonna get going.”
Joonmyun nods, even though Jongdae can’t see it. He’d really rather apologize for however many lines he just crossed, but if Jongdae just wants to leave, it can wait. “Okay. I probably should too.”
He lets Jongdae put a distance between them as they make their way out of the shelves, trailing further behind than he usually does while Jongdae practically speedwalks all the way to the staircase. It’s strange to go downstairs with him; Joonmyun has never seen him anywhere other than on the top floor among the bookcases, and down on the ground Jongdae seems almost out of place. There isn’t much time to dwell on it, though, and Jongdae hardly looks at him as they exit the building.
Outside, the sun is halfway through setting. Joonmyun lingers a few steps away from Jongdae, debating whether or not to speak. He wishes Jongdae would look at him again, or at least that the tension in his shoulders would disappear. The thought that an action of his is causing Jongdae to be so uncomfortable makes his stomach twist.
“It’ll be dark soon,” he starts softly, but Jongdae keeps his eyes on the ground. “I could walk with you to your building, if you want.”
Jongdae shakes his head, glancing up at Joonmyun with a weak smile as he takes a step away. “I’ll just-- I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Okay,” Joonmyun says, and lets him leave. He watches until Jongdae disappears around the corner of the building, then turns and starts back to the apartment.
He knows that he overstepped a boundary and understands why Jongdae is acting the way he is, but he still can’t shake the sick feeling rolling around in his chest. Jongdae had looked so upset and uneasy, not making any attempt to laugh it off as an awkward situation - he just wanted to get out of the library and put as much space between himself and Joonmyun as fast as possible.
Dwelling on it makes Joonmyun feel a bit sick. He walks a little faster and tries not to think about how Jongdae had looked while hurrying to get away from him.
--
The lights are off when Joonmyun gets inside, and he almost slams the door shut before he feels bad and closes it softly instead. The door isn’t the one he’s angry with, it’s himself, and nothing in the apartment deserves to be lashed out at. He starts down the hallway, eager to lock himself in his room and find a distraction before he gets any more upset. There’s a pair of jeans crumpled on the floor outside Baekhyun’s room - Chanyeol’s, judging by how long the legs are - but Joonmyun doesn’t let himself linger on what that means, and steps over them. He’ll deal with whatever had apparently gone down while he was away when he’s done feeling like he wants to throttle himself.
Inside his room he immediately looks for something to take his mind off things, something to distract him from heaviness in his chest and the wallowing spiral he can feel coming on. He had finished all his homework earlier in the day, leaving him nothing to work on. He takes a moment to curse his punctuality about completing assignments. Even the book he was reading is finished, and he had returned it afterwards, so there’s nothing--
Nothing except the third book Jongdae had given him, which he had left in his bag the day before. Joonmyun takes it out slowly and sits on his bed with it, staring at the cover. He doesn’t mean to think of the sticky notes as fast as he does, but he figures he should check for one just in case. Maybe the third time will be the opposite-of-charm, and it’ll come up empty.
Sure enough, it doesn’t.
“I was given permission to love, yet I could sense - I cannot quite explain how - that oceans were now trapped in aquariums.”
Joonmyun thinks it over as he sticks it on his desk next to the other two, lining them up neatly. Maybe Sehun was right after all - even if they were left by accident, now that he has three of them it’s too much of a coincidence for them all to be from one singular previous reader. It makes more sense for the notes to have been written by the top floor librarians, to spur interest in the stories - or incite confusion as they had for Joonmyun, whichever. Less romanticized, sure, but still kind of sweet. The idea of some mysterious past reader leaving him secret messages seems more and more ridiculous the longer Joonmyun considers it.
The librarians had never been present while he has upstairs, but they must have done a lot of work to leave so many messages behind. Joonmyun wonders briefly if there’s a note in every book, but quickly dismisses the idea. There’s no way that every single novel in the vast maze that is the upper floor library has a handwritten note inside.
He’s suddenly hit by unbidden thoughts of Jongdae leading him through the book-lined aisles, nearly falling backwards into his arms, then looking up at him with his eyes uncovered by his glasses, and Joonmyun cuts himself off before he can think about the parts after that.
He climbs back on his bed and leans back against his pillows, rubbing his eyes - but with eyes closed the memory is even clearer, and all he can see is how Jongdae’s lips had looked as he leaned in, soft and pink and--
And there’s some small part of himself, Joonmyun realizes, that wishes he had leaned just a little closer. it’s awful and selfish and more true than he wants it to be, so he stares up at the ceiling and tries not to close his eyes again.
He hears Baekhyun’s door open, later, and Chanyeol’s muffled voice before the front door opens and closes. The shower turns on a bit afterwards, and the apartment is quiet enough that the sound of Baekhyun singing very softly filters through all the doors between them. Eventually the light from the window isn’t enough to fill his room anymore, but Joonmyun stays where he is, lying in the dark. It’s a long time before he falls asleep.
--
In the morning Joonmyun ignores half his wake-up routine and forgoes his usual button-down in favour of a soft hoodie and sweatpants. He sits on the couch and pushes bits of wheat around his cereal bowl until Baekhyun eventually stumbles out of his room and turns on the coffeemaker. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he sits down next to Joonmyun and yawns widely.
They sit quietly for a few minutes before Baekhyun seems to suddenly reach full wakefulness and turns to stare at him.
“What,” Joonmyun says.
“You look like you’re moping,” Baekhyun says, almost with a sense of wonder. “Why are you moping?”
“I’m not,” Joonmyun grumbles, and curls his legs up on the couch.
Baekhyun gives his sweatpants a very serious look. “Uh-huh.”
“You’re not exactly business-casual either.”
“Yeah, but three quarters of your closet is. Did something--”
“As long as we’re on the topic of clothes,” Joonmyun says quickly, “what about Chanyeol?”
Baekhyun narrows his eyes. “What about Chanyeol?”
“Namely, his pants in the middle of the hall last night.” Joonmyun watches Baekhyun’s cheeks turn pink, then drops his eyes back to his cereal bowl. “Are you and him-- you know.” He gestures vaguely with his spoon. “A thing?”
In spite of the blush spreading over his face, Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “You have to be a bit more specific.”
Joonmyun nudges him with his foot. “Together, I mean,” he says softly, feeling his own cheeks start to heat up. “In a... clothes-off sort of way.”
Baekhyun snorts loudly. “Is that what the kids are calling it these days? I thought it was just ‘going steady’.”
“You know what I meant,” Joonmyun huffs, and Baekhyun sticks his tongue out at him. “Fine. Are you going steady with Chanyeol?”
“Yeah,” Baekhyun says easily, folding his arms behind his head. He would seem entirely relaxed if not for the blush still colouring his face. “I asked, he said okay. He also forgot his pants in the hall, but that’s another story.”
Joonmyun grimaces. “Never tell it to me.”
“What’s that?” Baekhyun asks innocently, cupping a hand to his ear. “Tell it right now? Well, if you insist. It started on this very couch--”
He’s cut off by a sudden knock on the door, and Joonmyun sighs in relief as Baekhyun heaves himself up off the couch to answer it, dragging his feet as he goes. As soon as Baekhyun is out of sight, Joonmyun slumps into the couch cushions, his mood crashing back down to where it had been since the night before.
Every detail of his library visit is still fresh in his mind, no matter how he tries to push the thoughts away. For the time being, deflecting Baekhyun’s questions about his current behaviour is easier than explaining his actions. He resumes stirring his mushy bits of cereal, listening when the door opens.
“Sup,” he hears Chanyeol say.
“When I said come over early, I meant at like noon,” Baekhyun tells him, but the door closes and Joonmyun can hear Chanyeol snickering. He peeks over the back of the couch as the two of them move into the kitchen, watching as Baekhyun gets out two mugs and turns off the coffeemaker, but he quickly turns back around when Chanyeol glances over.
“Morning,” Chanyeol calls to him, but Baekhyun just sighs.
“Don’t bug him, he’s moping.”
“I’m not moping,” Joonmyun says. Chanyeol comes around the side of the couch anyway, looking concerned.
“Is everything okay?” he asks, sounding so genuinely worried that Joonmyun can’t help the words climbing up his throat.
“I think--” He pauses the put down his cereal, then scrubs his hands over his face. “I think I messed up. With someone I like.”
“Someone you like,” Baekhyun calls from the kitchen, “or someone you like?”
“What do you think?” Joonmyun huffs as Chanyeol sits down next to him, slinging his arm over the back of the couch.
“Well, I think if you explain your feelings, and stuff,” Chanyeol says carefully, “then it’ll be… less messed up. Honesty is the best medicine, isn’t it?”
“I think you mean laughter,” Baekhyun says, walking over and handing a steaming cup to Chanyeol before turning to Joonmyun. “Speaking of, don’t you have class in like, twenty minutes?”
Joonmyun groans and curls up again, hiding his face in the arm of the couch. Baekhyun pats his shoulder. “Chin up,” he yips. “Go brush your teeth, I’ll find you some real clothes.”
--
Through all his classes, Joonmyun is distracted. Even when he arrives to the tutor group classroom, he’s not as bright as he usually is, and he can tell that the kids notice there’s something a little off. They’re all far enough along in writing that they don’t really need any more help, but they ask Joonmyun for pointers anyway.
Jongin stays awake for the whole class, and even speaks up a few times with questions. Zitao paws at Joonmyun’s arm whenever he starts to zone out, asking for a word’s meaning or pronunciation, and Kyungsoo asks him to read over his outline, even though Joonmyun knows that he knows it’s just fine.
It’s Sehun, though, that waits by the door and pretends to search through his bag for something until Joonmyun moves to leave, and then walks down the stairs and to the exit with him. It’s a little weird, but Joonmyun appreciates the effort they’ve all put in to comfort him, even if they don’t know what the problem is. He pretends not to notice all the times Sehun glances at him out of the corner of his eye.
Once they’ve left the building and reached the sidewalk outside, Sehun pauses for a moment, apparently about to walk in the opposite direction from Joonmyun. He seems to have a few seconds of internal debate before looking up.
“See you on wednesday,” he says quietly, and scurries away before Joonmyun can react - which is probably for the best, Joonmyun concedes, because if Sehun had stuck around he might’ve had to deal with something truly embarrassing, like Joonmyun hugging him. Or crying.
Joonmyun does feel better as he walks back home, even when he passes by the library. He looks up at the second floor windows and thinks of what Chanyeol had said, about being honest. Things could get better if he just goes and talks to Jongdae, he supposes. Maybe if he explains that he does really like him, but knows that he overstepped the day before?
More than anything he just wants to apologize and go back to how things were at first. Even if Jongdae doesn’t accept it and never wants to see him again, he needs to at least try - and before he really knows what he’s doing, he’s inside the library and halfway up the stairs.
Jongdae isn’t there, though. Joonmyun searches near the outermost bookcases and around some corners, but finds no trace of him. He could be deeper in the shelves, of course, but Joonmyun doesn’t trust himself to go looking and not get lost.
He sits down to wait instead, leaning back against a shelf and looking back and forth between the top of the staircase and the rows of books around him. It’s a while before he remembers that he still has Self with him and opens it to read while he waits, and a while longer before he hears anything other than the muted sounds from the floor below.
He breaks himself out of the story at the sound of footsteps on the stairs, looking up midway through a paragraph just as Jongdae appears at the top.
“Oh,” Jongdae says, spotting him, and Joonmyun stands up quickly.
“Hey,” he greets, trying to smile. Jongdae doesn’t move. Joonmyun thinks briefly of the last time he had arrived first, and how Jongdae had grinned as soon as he saw him. “Do you have a minute?”
“Sure,” Jongdae says slowly, but he still seems tense as he steps away from the stairs.
Joonmyun meets him halfway, taking a deep breath. “I just. I wanted to tell you, I--” His gaze flickers down to where Jongdae’s fingers are tightening around the strap of his shoulder bag. It’s not exactly the sort of feedback he was hoping for.
He had no idea Jongdae would feel that uncomfortable just speaking to him. Or being spoken to. Joonmyun runs through everything he had planned to say in his head, and imagines Jongdae’s unpleasant reaction. What was he thinking?
“--I need your help,” he says instead. “To find a book.”
Jongdae seems to unwind a little, but he doesn’t look entirely relieved. “What book?”
Joonmyun blurts the first title that comes to his mind. “The Messenger. I want to-- uh, reread it.”
Jongdae nods. “I’ll get it for you,” he says quietly, already stepping away from him. “Stay here.”
That throws Joonmyun a little, but he stays put and lets Jongdae go off into the shelves alone.
It’s strange; even on their first meeting, Jongdae had let Joonmyun follow him around in search of the novel he needed. Not to mention every time after that. But maybe it’s gotten on his nerves? Maybe he doesn’t like Joonmyun trailing after him, maybe he never did. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to be alone with him between the bookshelves again.
Joonmyun’s heart sinks lower and lower with each miserable thought. When Jongdae reappears with the book in hand, Joonmyun focuses solely on putting one foot in front of the other and follows him to the check-out desk.
He smiles a little when Jongdae scans the book for him, happy that there’s at least one thing that hasn’t changed, but Jongdae’s expression is blank when he turns around. It hurts more than Joonmyun thought it would. He takes the book from his hand and tries to think of something to say, but Jongdae speaks first.
“Is that all?” he asks, almost impatiently. Joonmyun flinches a little.
“Yeah, I’ll just…” He backs up towards the staircase, and Jongdae gives him a short nod before turning away. Joonmyun watches him disappear into the shelves, then starts down the stairs, wishing he could disappear too.
He doesn’t remember the walk across campus, but suddenly he’s back in the apartment. It’s too quiet for him to be anything other than alone, but he still takes care not to make too much noise as he pads down the hall to his room.
Once the door is closed behind him Joonmyun takes a deep breath. For a moment he feels like he might cry, like all the stress and hurt has built up enough to spill over, but then the feeling leaves, and he’s just tired. Tired and sad and wanting to rewind, but he can’t.
He takes The Messenger out of his bag but doesn’t look at it, instead setting it on his desk. He purposefully places it on top of the three notes stuck there so he doesn’t have to look at those, either.
He doesn’t want to think about the library - doesn’t want to think at all, really. It’s only just beginning to get dark out, but he goes to bed anyway.
--
A lot of hours later, Joonmyun wakes up to light knocking on his door and opens his eyes just as the handle begins to turn. It’s pushed open a crack and Baekhyun peeks through into the room.
“Hey,” he greets, his voice soft like he’s not sure how loud he should speak. “It’s getting kind of late, so I thought you might want to get up.”
Joonmyun glances at his clock. It’s almost noon.
He debates just rolling over and closing his eyes again, but as soon as he moves to do so Baekhyun pushes his door open all the way and marches across the room. “Come on,” he urges, tugging on Joonmyun’s blankets. “I’m sure you’ve got something to do today.”
“I really don’t,” Joonmyun croaks, trying to wiggle away, but Baekhyun yanks the sheets out of his grip before he can cocoon himself in them.
“Look, Chanyeol’s in the kitchen, and he said he’d make-- dude, did you sleep in your jeans?” Baekhyun stares at Joonmyun’s sleeping attire as he pulls the blankets off. “Are you feeling okay?”
Joonmyun just sighs, nudging Baekhyun away so he can swing his legs over the side of the bed and sit up. He still feels exhausted even after sleeping for so long, but he knows it’s has nothing to do with being well-rested or not. The fatigue and vague sort of sadness are settled on him like an extra layer of skin.
“I’m gonna… shower.” His jeans feel stiff and uncomfortable on his legs, now that Baekhyun has pointed them out.
“Alright,” Baekhyun says, stepping out of his way so he can stand up. He bites his lip as he watches Joonmyun gather up some clean clothes. “Do you-- do you want help, or anything?”
Halfway to his dresser, Joonmyun pauses and looks back at him. “You’re offering to shower with me?”
Baekhyun turns red and crosses his arms, avoiding his gaze. “It was just a suggestion,” he says defensively. “Since you’re like, tired and stuff. Don’t make it sound weird.”
Joonmyun smiles at him, the first real smile in what feels like a long time. “I’ll be okay,” he assures him. “Thank you, though. Really.”
Baekhyun turns away and waves him towards the bathroom, but Joonmyun can tell that he’s trying not to grin.
He does feel better after showering and changing into fresh clothes, even if he’s still a little tired. At least it’s Saturday, and he doesn’t have anywhere to be. He puts the things he wore to sleep in the laundry and makes his bed, smoothing the sheets out where Baekhyun had rumpled them up. Chanyeol comes in a little later with a plate of pancakes, looking ready to drop everything and wrap Joonmyun in a hug if he so much as frowns. Joonmyun makes sure to smile at him as he carefully takes the plate.
There’s something written in syrup across the edge of it, but Chanyeol’s handwriting is barely legible on paper, let alone while it’s dripping onto pancakes. Judging by the lopsided smiley face at the end, Joonmyun assumes it spells out something of a feel-good message. A very Chanyeol thing to do. Also, tasty.
Still, the sugary late breakfast does little to lift the last bit of exhaustion from Joonmyun’s shoulders. His thoughts keep drifting back to the library no matter how hard he tries to avoid it. He had thought that maybe after his long sleep the last few days wouldn’t be so sharp in his mind, but he could still recall everything clearly.
He catches himself halfway through a daydream of going up the library stairs one more time, just in case someone is waiting at the top - but quickly banishes the thought. No one would be there anyway, not for him. Not anymore. Joonmyun shakes his head and sets about finding something to distract himself with.
A while later, when he’s sitting on his bed going over next week’s discussion questions for lack of anything better to do, Baekhyun wanders into his room again. He doesn’t say anything, just looks around like his plain gray walls are thought-provoking works of art. Joonmyun raises his eyebrows, slowly closing his notebook. “Do you need something?”
“Nope,” Baekhyun says, folding his hands behind his back. “Just, you know. Making sure you’re doing okay.”
Joonmyun sets the notebook aside. “I’m alright. You don’t have to keep checking on me.”
Baekhyun sighs dramatically. “Fine, then. I guess I’ll leave you alone.” He hesitates for a moment, waiting for Joonmyun to interject, but he doesn’t. With a huff, Baekhyun spins on his heel. “Lord forbid anyone try to be a supportive friend in this house!” he cries, and gets two steps into his theatrical exit before he stops, looking at Joonmyun’s desk.
“Hey,” he says, dropping the mock-offense act to walk over and poke the copy of The Messenger resting on the desktop. “I thought you finished this one already.”
Joonmyun glances at it. “I took it out again.”
Raising his eyebrows, Baekhyun picks it up to examine, but immediately notices the sticky notes hidden underneath. “What are these?”
“Oh.” Joonmyun had almost forgotten about them. “They’re just-- I found them in some of the other ones I read. They have quotes from the novels on.”
Baekhyun wrinkles his nose, leaning down to read them. “I guess it’s not the weirdest thing to find in a library book,” he sighs, “but still…”
“But still what?” Joonmyun says, sitting up and snatching the book out of Baekhyun’s hand. He feels suddenly defensive about the notes, and wishes he hadn’t let Baekhyun see them at all. “It’s just something the librarians do.”
“Um,” Chanyeol pipes up from where he’s hovering in the doorway, making them both jump. “Are you sure?”
“What else would it be?” Joonmyun says, harsher than he means to. Chanyeol flinches a little.
“I don’t know,” he admits, rubbing the back of his neck. “But I took a book out from there two or three days ago, and no one left me any notes.”
“I didn’t know you used the library,” Baekhyun says, squinting at him.
“I spent like, three solid hours reading a chem textbook,” Chanyeol explains. “I needed something fictional to keep my brain from melting out my ears.”
Joonmyun tunes them out, staring at the neat line of notes on his desk. Chanyeol can’t be right. If they aren’t a part of something that the library just does, then what else could they possibly be? Unless--
He thinks of Jongdae, following him through the maze of bookshelves and watching him pick out novels along the way. Of every time Jongdae had scanned a book for him and handed it over with a smile, books that he had thought Joonmyun would like. He blinks at the notes, then looks down at the book in his hands.
“You okay?” Baekhyun asks.
Joonmyun nods, but doesn’t look up. “Yeah, I just…”
He opens the book carefully, and on the very first page, there’s a note.
“Our footsteps run, and I don’t want them to end. I want to run and laugh and feel like this forever.
I want to stay here, in this moment, and never go to other places, where we don't know what to say or what to do.”
Oh.
“Oh,” Joonmyun says, and Baekhyun peeks over his shoulder to read it as well.
“I have no idea what that means,” he sighs, “but I’m going to go out on a limb and say you’re an idiot.”
Chanyeol makes another confused face, but Joonmyun ignores them both and takes the note out, clutching it in his hand. He shoves the book at Baekhyun before bolting down the hall to the front door.
“Where are you going?” Baekhyun calls after him.
“The library,” he shouts back, already slipping his shoes on.
“On a saturday?” Chanyeol cries, but Joonmyun is gone by the time he and Baekhyun reach the door. Baekhyun sighs, tossing the book onto the kitchen table, and heads into the living room.
“What’s got him so worked up?” Chanyeol asks, bewildered, as he follows. “Books? Joonmyun’s not weird about books, is he?”
Baekhyun hums, considering it. “He’s kind of weird about books,” he decides, and pulls Chanyeol down onto the couch with him.
--
Joonmyun runs most of the way to the library, but pauses outside the front doors to catch his breath and regain some composure. It wouldn’t really do to burst in and cause a scene as he sprints to the staircase, so he takes a few deep breaths before standing up straight and heading inside. He stops at the foot of the stairs, feeling nervous like the first time he had been there, but takes one glance down at the note in his hand and makes himself start to climb.
Halfway up he realizes that he has no idea if Jongdae will be around or not. Does he even come in on weekends? Could he have left already? Joonmyun moves a little faster, eager to get to the top and start searching. Only a few steps below the landing, a shadow falls over him and he pauses, looking up.
Jongdae is in his path, his foot halfway to the first step down, staring at him. His expression goes carefully blank when he registers who he’s looking at, but still backs up a step and moves aside. Joonmyun pushes away his relief as he climbs the last steps, remembering why he’s there in the first place.
“Um,” he says, only a little out of breath. “Can we talk? Somewhere?”
“We’re the only ones up here,” Jongdae murmurs, like the answer is an automatic reaction. He looks apprehensive for a few moments, but does eventually turn around and start toward the bookcases. Joonmyun follows him without a word.
He’s not sure how long they walk for, or how deep they get into the shelves, before Jongdae turns around abruptly. He fixes Joonmyun with a hard stare, his jaw set.
“What’s this about?” he asks. He sounds more impatient than anything. It stings a little, but Joonmyun takes a deep breath and holds out his hand. Jongdae looks confused until he opens his palm and reveals the note, a little crumpled at the edges but still legible. Jongdae’s eyes widen before he flushes red and looks down at the floor.
“It’s from you, right?” Joonmyun asks quietly. Jongdae gives a small, hesitant nod but doesn’t look up. “Were all of them from you?”
“They’re just quotes I like,” Jongdae mumbles, shuffling his feet. “I didn’t mean to weird you out, or whatever.”
He’s so nervous, Joonmyun realizes, staring at him. He’s giving them both an out if the situation gets awkward or takes a negative turn. But Joonmyun doesn’t want an out, so he steps a little closer.
“Jongdae,” he says softly, waiting for him to look up. Jongdae shakes his head a little, but Joonmyun can see the blush on his cheeks and can’t help smiling. “I’m not weirded out,” he tells him, taking another step. “I think I’m the opposite of weirded out, to be honest.”
Jongdae lifts his hands and for a moment Joonmyun thinks he’s going to push him away, but instead he curls his fingers in Joonmyun’s shirt. He takes a deep breath and raises his head, but keeps his gaze down. “Really?”
“Really,” Joonmyun assures him, placing his hands lightly on Jongdae’s hips. Jongdae doesn’t jerk away, so Joonmyun takes it as a good sign. “Why did you leave them for me?” he asks, and watches Jongdae’s blush deepen.
“Because… they’re my favourite parts,” Jongdae answers quietly, and meets Joonmyun’s gaze shyly. “I wanted to share them with you.”
Joonmyun stares back at him for a moment, his brain unable to come up with a response that would accurately convey the pure elation building up in his chest. He goes just a second too long without replying and sees doubt flicker across Jongdae’s face, so he ducks in and kisses him.
He feels Jongdae stiffen in surprise for a moment before he presses back against his lips, and Joonmyun tries his absolute hardest not to smile. He doesn’t quite manage it though, and their mouths disconnect - only because Jongdae is grinning too. His glasses are just a little bit crooked.
“I thought you didn’t notice them,” he breathes. “I kept waiting and waiting for you to say something, but you never did.”
Joonmyun winds his arms around Jongdae’s waist and pulls him closer. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs. “It just took me a while to realize who they were from.”
“A really, really long while,” Jongdae says, pouting, but Joonmyun pouts right back at him.
“How was I supposed to know? Plus, when I tried to kiss you before--”
“You scared me, okay,” Jongdae says, curling his fingers a little tighter. “I mean, I wanted you to, but I didn’t want it to just be something you did, like, in the moment.” He blushes a little more and looks down again. “I wanted it to be-- I don’t know. Real.”
Joonmyun’s heart does a backflip in his chest. He leans in and brushes his lips over Jongdae’s, just lightly.
“It was,” he breathes, pulling back when Jongdae looks back up at him. “It still is.”
Jongdae snickers, sliding his hands up to Joonmyun’s shoulders. “I really like you,” Joonmyun tells him.
“It’d be kind of awkward if you didn’t, after all this,” Jongdae hums.
Joonmyun hushes him, smiling, and lifts a hand to straighten his glasses. Jongdae looks a little surprised when he does, blinking behind the frames, before he huffs and reaches up himself to take them off entirely. Joonmyun has only a moment to bask in the image of glasses-less Jongdae once more before fingers are curling in his hair, and Jongdae tugs him forward for another kiss.
--
Joonmyun lets the kids leave early from tutoring on wednesday, volunteering himself to stay behind and clean up. There isn’t much of a mess, just some bits of paper on the floor and a chair or two knocked over, so he drags the recycling bin to the centre of the room and gets to work.
He only pauses when there’s a knock at the door, and looks up to see Jongdae stepping into the room. He’s not wearing his glasses. Joonmyun nearly drops all the scraps he’s holding.
“Everything okay in here?” Jongdae asks, looking around at the remnants of the mess. Joonmyun smiles and waves him closer, depositing his handful of paper into the recycling bin.
“Nothing to worry about,” he says, righting both fallen chairs before bending down again. “The kids handed in their term papers earlier today, so we had a little bit of celebration.”
Jongdae raises his eyebrows at the few bits of paper still scattered on the floor. “What did they do, print out extra copies and tear them up?”
“We had to make confetti somehow,” Joonmyun says with a shrug. “Oh, by the way! I almost forgot--”
He straightens up and drops the last few scraps of paper into the bin, then fishes around in his bag for a moment before producing an envelope. He hands it to Jongdae with a grin.
Jongdae gives him a strange look, but takes it and pulls out the card inside. His eyes scan the inside for a couple seconds before he starts laughing. “Did you really--?”
“I told you I would,” Joonmyun says, amused. “Look, all four of them signed it. Zitao even drew you a picture.”
“Who added the hearts around my name?” Jongdae asks, tracing them with one finger.
“Ah, well,” Joonmyun says, slinging his arm over Jongdae’s shoulders. “Sehun did that.”
Jongdae snorts. “Are you sure?”
“What, you don’t believe me?”
“I’m just saying, you have no proof,” Jongdae hums. “For all I know, it could’ve been you.”
“It could’ve,” Joonmyun agrees, tugging the card and envelope out of his hands and placing them on the table, “but I don’t think I’m that subtle.”
“Really?” Jongdae laughs, and Joonmyun leans in to kiss him. He feels Jongdae sigh as their mouths slide together, licking along his bottom lip before pulling away.
He leans his forehead against Jongdae’s for a moment, hovering over his lips. “Really.”
Jongdae just smiles and slips out from under his arm, gathering up the card and envelope before he heads to the door. “It really was Sehun, though,” Joonmyun says, slinging his bag over his shoulder before following after him. “He likes messing with me, or something.”
Jongdae hums again, waiting outside in the hall as Joonmyun turns out the lights and closes the door behind them. “Remind me to thank him, sometime.”
“Please don’t team up with my students,” Joonmyun groans as they start down the hallway. “I mean, I love them, but the four of them plus you will put too much strain on my nerves.”
“Aw,” Jongdae coos, pinching his side. “Do you need help relaxing your poor strained nerves?”
“Maybe I do,” Joonmyun says with an exaggerated pout, rubbing the sore spot, but Jongdae pulls his hand away and links their fingers together. Joonmyun can’t help smiling.
“What can I do to help?” Jongdae asks, pushing open the front doors so they can step outside. The weather is nice, Joonmyun notes. Having Jongdae’s hand against his is also nice.
He tugs Jongdae back under the awning of the building and kisses him again, shorter this time. When he pulls back, Jongdae raises an eyebrow at him.
“Come over for dinner,” Joonmyun says.
Jongdae snickers. “Wow, you really aren’t subtle.”
“Is that a yes?” Joonmyun presses as they start walking again, linked hands swinging between them. “I can kick my roommate out, he owes me one anyway.”
Jongdae seems to consider it. “What if I want to meet him?” he asks, and Joonmyun nearly stops walking again.
“You teaming up with Baekhyun would be ten times worse than with the kids,” he says seriously, but Jongdae just laughs.
He leans up to kiss Joonmyun’s cheek, squeezing his hand where it’s clasped in his own. “Good thing I’m here to help you relax, then.”
> the books joonmyun reads are, in order, the messenger by markus zusak, please look after mom by shin kyungsook, and self by yann tiersen
> i’ve read……. none of them woops