I looked back into this journal... it seems I spent thw whole year lonely...
January 2005:Blythe, Collier, Ashley, Steele, and Danny all came over after school. It was fun stuff, except, when I'm around a lot of people, I notice how much I have changed. I felt kinda uncomfortable, around people for the first time. That's not really who I am. I'm not supposed to be unsociable... I used to not be. I used to love being around people a lot, and now, I just seem to be annoyed by them all. Kinda like, I just don't want to be around people. It's kinda fucked up and I wish I could tell ya what has happened to me, but I really can't.
John Hails' dads funeral is tomorrow evening. Please pray for him and his family, or rather, keep them in your thoughts!
Febraury 2005:He called me and told me he loved me more than anything in the world, and told me goodnight. And today I was thinking. Ya know, all guys have the same flaws: insincerity, self-centeredness, and stupidity. The inability to think before they act or speak. And in those traits are where all of my problems with Thomas lie. And why they lie so opaquely beneath the problems, is inconcievable to me. However, if I understood him it wouldnt be much fun, and if all guys are just about the same, why shouldn't I just love the one I'm with??
Friday Night
+Got a surprise from Thomas *wink*
+Hung out with my juggalette
+Had dinner with Thomas' aunt and Uncle for his birthday (SO MUCH FOOD and chocolate cake)
+Leah and Kevins
+Thomas' house
Saturday Night
+dinner with family from New York
+Fight with Thomas
+Make-up with Thomas
+Birthday present from Thomas:
-Jim Morrison: Life, Death, Legend hardcover book
-"Sorry. I stopped listening days ago" t-shirt
-The yummiest candle I have ever smelled
+The house
+Thomas' house
+Mike D. entertainment
+Candlelit serenade from Meredith at Kevin and leah's
Sunday
+Lazy day with Thomas (my love)
+Hung out with carey and collier
+Cleaned up room
+Did homework
March 2005:So, today was my last day. I didn't see a lot of people and I left at 9. My Geometry teacher seemed upset that I was leaving, which made me feel pretty good. B.Notter and I are hanging out on Spring Break.
Im moving on, and for once in my life I feel like things are changing BIG BIG BIG and I can see it coming, but Im okay.
Leaving today was definately bitter/sweet.
I will miss some things, but some things will be better left at that school.
Collier Payne is the mouth of the south.
♥
Jeska
April 2005: You burned out so bright/ You left me here to wrestle with myself/ and the memory of our times/ to our season was beauty and purpose/ we lived underneath the sun/ How dare you leave me no other choice.../ than to leave you/ with no other choice/ than to be free/ with no worries?/ Time will attract change and truth/ bare-naked and appealing to our eyes/ and what I have set free/ may clearly prove to be/ a part of me/ After some time tracing eachothers shadows into the sky.
<3
Jeska
May 2005:TODAY, I...
1. woke up
2. layed out
3. went to Thomas' work to eat lunch with him, we had hot dogs
4. heard the perfect song that I want Thomas to hear
5. will go to work at 4:00 and work til nine then go to Jeffs apartment
June 2005: I was laying in bed and I saw my CCHS yearbook, so I opened it and flipped through the pages. I miss it so much, and I don't think that if I had stayed there I would have dropped out. I would have gladly finished high school. I loved it there, I love all of my friends, they all accepted me, I miss skipping school to go mud riding at least once a month. I miss the football games, the "cubbie awards", even the badass talent shows. The desks were better too. I miss the woods, I don't like having interstates and highways so close and big roads... So I keep turning the pages, and I fell across my pages, the Freshmen pages. I think that was the best school picture I ever took.
July 2005: I think I did everything I could do to help you guys. It's your own damn fault that you didn't have anywhere to stay, you didn't even have to pay for it. but don't worry, we got $20 bucks back and had a great time while we were there. But you allruined my Saturday night, I was too busy being upset wondering how my wonderful friends could find it in their hearts to treat me like I was disposable. Crying to Thomas about how I didn't know if what I did was right, and blaming myself wondering what I did wrong.
August 2005:I am so sick of waking up early. I start at the Mellow Mushroom on Wednesday and I havent even gotten any time to sleep in before I start. It's really not all that bad though, I only have to atthe Mushroom at 9 at the earliest. But I had to take my om to physical therapy this morning and that was tiring.
I talked to Thomas, apparantly we have house guests for the weekend because Caleb got kicked out and with Caleb comes Robyn and her boyfriend Thomas... so thats pretty BLEUGH! Anyway... I think Im going to take a shower. That would be a nice. or even better a LOOOOONG bath!
yep.. I think thats what I will do.
September 2005:Im moving mroe stuff out tonight.
Whats going on tonight that doesnt cost a lot of money? Im broke with all this moving out stuff and I reallyjust want to have a good time.
October 2005:I need something to lift me up. I need a good afternoon around the loop with three other people... just a break into the past. I could use that. I'm not dwelling, just reminiscing.
November 2005:I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday, and although Becca promised me she would come by and keep me company she hasnt even called me back since Monday. Which really hurt smy feelings.
John Hails' dads funeral is tomorrow evening. Please pray for him and his family, or rather, keep them in your thoughts!
Febraury 2005:He called me and told me he loved me more than anything in the world, and told me goodnight. And today I was thinking. Ya know, all guys have the same flaws: insincerity, self-centeredness, and stupidity. The inability to think before they act or speak. And in those traits are where all of my problems with Thomas lie. And why they lie so opaquely beneath the problems, is inconcievable to me. However, if I understood him it wouldnt be much fun, and if all guys are just about the same, why shouldn't I just love the one I'm with??
Friday Night
+Got a surprise from Thomas *wink*
+Hung out with my juggalette
+Had dinner with Thomas' aunt and Uncle for his birthday (SO MUCH FOOD and chocolate cake)
+Leah and Kevins
+Thomas' house
Saturday Night
+dinner with family from New York
+Fight with Thomas
+Make-up with Thomas
+Birthday present from Thomas:
-Jim Morrison: Life, Death, Legend hardcover book
-"Sorry. I stopped listening days ago" t-shirt
-The yummiest candle I have ever smelled
+The house
+Thomas' house
+Mike D. entertainment
+Candlelit serenade from Meredith at Kevin and leah's
Sunday
+Lazy day with Thomas (my love)
+Hung out with carey and collier
+Cleaned up room
+Did homework
March 2005:So, today was my last day. I didn't see a lot of people and I left at 9. My Geometry teacher seemed upset that I was leaving, which made me feel pretty good. B.Notter and I are hanging out on Spring Break.
Im moving on, and for once in my life I feel like things are changing BIG BIG BIG and I can see it coming, but Im okay.
Leaving today was definately bitter/sweet.
I will miss some things, but some things will be better left at that school.
Collier Payne is the mouth of the south.
♥
Jeska
April 2005: You burned out so bright/ You left me here to wrestle with myself/ and the memory of our times/ to our season was beauty and purpose/ we lived underneath the sun/ How dare you leave me no other choice.../ than to leave you/ with no other choice/ than to be free/ with no worries?/ Time will attract change and truth/ bare-naked and appealing to our eyes/ and what I have set free/ may clearly prove to be/ a part of me/ After some time tracing eachothers shadows into the sky.
<3
Jeska
May 2005:TODAY, I...
1. woke up
2. layed out
3. went to Thomas' work to eat lunch with him, we had hot dogs
4. heard the perfect song that I want Thomas to hear
5. will go to work at 4:00 and work til nine then go to Jeffs apartment
June 2005: I was laying in bed and I saw my CCHS yearbook, so I opened it and flipped through the pages. I miss it so much, and I don't think that if I had stayed there I would have dropped out. I would have gladly finished high school. I loved it there, I love all of my friends, they all accepted me, I miss skipping school to go mud riding at least once a month. I miss the football games, the "cubbie awards", even the badass talent shows. The desks were better too. I miss the woods, I don't like having interstates and highways so close and big roads... So I keep turning the pages, and I fell across my pages, the Freshmen pages. I think that was the best school picture I ever took.
July 2005: I think I did everything I could do to help you guys. It's your own damn fault that you didn't have anywhere to stay, you didn't even have to pay for it. but don't worry, we got $20 bucks back and had a great time while we were there. But you allruined my Saturday night, I was too busy being upset wondering how my wonderful friends could find it in their hearts to treat me like I was disposable. Crying to Thomas about how I didn't know if what I did was right, and blaming myself wondering what I did wrong.
August 2005:I am so sick of waking up early. I start at the Mellow Mushroom on Wednesday and I havent even gotten any time to sleep in before I start. It's really not all that bad though, I only have to atthe Mushroom at 9 at the earliest. But I had to take my om to physical therapy this morning and that was tiring.
I talked to Thomas, apparantly we have house guests for the weekend because Caleb got kicked out and with Caleb comes Robyn and her boyfriend Thomas... so thats pretty BLEUGH! Anyway... I think Im going to take a shower. That would be a nice. or even better a LOOOOONG bath!
yep.. I think thats what I will do.
September 2005:Im moving mroe stuff out tonight.
Whats going on tonight that doesnt cost a lot of money? Im broke with all this moving out stuff and I reallyjust want to have a good time.
October 2005:I need something to lift me up. I need a good afternoon around the loop with three other people... just a break into the past. I could use that. I'm not dwelling, just reminiscing.
November 2005:I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday, and although Becca promised me she would come by and keep me company she hasnt even called me back since Monday. Which really hurt smy feelings.