You left when we were kids and I did not understand why. I dont remember the details but I know It needed to happen fro your good. It did not bother me s mch that you had to leave. I did not want to see you hurt anymore so it was ok. I just remember how overlooked I felt. I was forgotten. I wanted to come with you. But I needed to be with Mom. She needed me.
Now, I am older and I understand. I understand that I do not have what it takes to live in your house. I understand that I do not need to be there. I am back to the same uncertainty and emptiness I felt when I was eight. Now I have to go out, be banished, in order to find myself. To find what I am looking for. I do not know how this will end, but I know you do not stand on this ground to hurt me. It does hurt but its not about me. I will break myself on the rock, or the rock will come down and break me. I will not forgive you if you do not continue in this walk. You have stepped it up a knotch by telling me to change. I fear I cannot. But you however, cannot run like I did. You are there with your own device and I will not have this happen for no reason. So now you change. Now you be all you say you want to be in God. Now you find out that me, and Shayna, and Mom, we do not harbor the demons you feel. They are yours and yours alone. I promise they did not come in with me and likewise, they do not leave with me. I have my own to carry, and I have no room for anymore.
If you really wish to make the proper changes in your life, I wish you had not started with me. But you did, and I can handle that. The one thing I cannot handle is to find out that I left because of your selfishness, and you wished not to change anything. the problems in your life do not come from me. Or anyone. You will see soon enough that I am the least of your problems. You have got to be proud of me for taking your words the way I did. I feel it is not my place to tell you all of your wrongs. Thats My fathers job. But I also do not have a house with you living in. I take your word for it that I should be away from you and I hope the best. It will be yet another current in my storm to see you not continue making you house and life right. Do not worry about me. Now I leave you with our mother and trust you to take care of her. I will not except anything else. I will be better when I am older, i promise. I love you with more than all of my heart.
Now, I am older and I understand. I understand that I do not have what it takes to live in your house. I understand that I do not need to be there. I am back to the same uncertainty and emptiness I felt when I was eight. Now I have to go out, be banished, in order to find myself. To find what I am looking for. I do not know how this will end, but I know you do not stand on this ground to hurt me. It does hurt but its not about me. I will break myself on the rock, or the rock will come down and break me. I will not forgive you if you do not continue in this walk. You have stepped it up a knotch by telling me to change. I fear I cannot. But you however, cannot run like I did. You are there with your own device and I will not have this happen for no reason. So now you change. Now you be all you say you want to be in God. Now you find out that me, and Shayna, and Mom, we do not harbor the demons you feel. They are yours and yours alone. I promise they did not come in with me and likewise, they do not leave with me. I have my own to carry, and I have no room for anymore.
If you really wish to make the proper changes in your life, I wish you had not started with me. But you did, and I can handle that. The one thing I cannot handle is to find out that I left because of your selfishness, and you wished not to change anything. the problems in your life do not come from me. Or anyone. You will see soon enough that I am the least of your problems. You have got to be proud of me for taking your words the way I did. I feel it is not my place to tell you all of your wrongs. Thats My fathers job. But I also do not have a house with you living in. I take your word for it that I should be away from you and I hope the best. It will be yet another current in my storm to see you not continue making you house and life right. Do not worry about me. Now I leave you with our mother and trust you to take care of her. I will not except anything else. I will be better when I am older, i promise. I love you with more than all of my heart.
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