Day 02 - Your first love, in great detail (i did it wrong and i'm not sorry)
like everyone else, i'm not really sure which way to go with this first love business. so i'm cheating. because i really don't know what love is. it's so many things and nothing at all.
i met case when i was 16. i didn't love him until much much later. he was horrible for me and i might have been for him as well. i know that he loves me, in the ways that feel true to him. possessive and controlling. forcefully sexual and cruel. what he feels for me is so ruled by fear. i don't know what he's afraid of or why. i don't know why it's so familiar. it always has been. i mean, i know my own history. i understand that a part of what i felt for him was linked to earlier trauma. but it was also so different. i think the love i felt or possibly even still feel for him deep down somewhere has everything to do with the time i spent with him, how very messed up it got. we had a very intense relationship that took me a lot longer than i like to admit to let go of. i feel like i understand him on some deeper level or something. i'm a little rusty, but i think most of what i just described as a first love could also just be described as an abusive situation. in the moment, though, it's easy to confuse the two and i did. i know better now, i know that no matter how i think i understand him and his strange ways and his tangled mind, the best thing i can do is just stay away.
i met cole when i was 19. i was pretty confused about how i felt about him for quite some time. i expected big heart swelling love. i expected a tenderness that i had never experienced before to just take me over, and make me a mommy. this never happened. i don't know if i'm a good mother or not. i don't know how you define that, just like i don't know what love is really. but what i have noticed about my relationship with cole is long before he could talk, his needs were important enough to me to learn all of his nonverbal cues. we have been in some pretty tragic situations, but his safety is and always has been my first priority. i don't focus too much on the squishy, soft love stuff with him. i tend to his needs, i help him grow. he goes with me everywhere. he is a part of me, even as he grows and is becoming his own person. he is a part of me and i would literally do anything for him. i suppose this is the closest to actual love i'm going to write about, but i thought writing about my kid was kind of a cop out. of course i love him, of course i love him in ways and with a depth i didn't know possible. i love him so much i have screwed up again and again because i don't know what to do most of the time. how can you really, beyond a shadow of a doubt, know what to do when you are always thinking as an us or a we and the other person your speaking of isn't quite ready to make the big decisions yet? it's fucking terrifying and it feels like too much but the idea of it not being there, it's like thinking about someone taking everything that makes you you away. all off this fear and all of this too muchness, it is who i am. cole belongs here because he is the first time i loved anyone so completely more then myself, more than anything else.
i met chris when i was 21. i had recently left case. i had been sleeping with women here and there for years, but, you know, not really. i never really let myself explore it. it was just for kicks or for boys or whatever. but then i left case and was alone for a while and really thought about it. well, no. i guess i didn't really think-think about it. like there was no internal dialogue i could insert here that explained how i came to the conclusion that i'm gay. it was more of a feeling. like taking off a mask you've been wearing all night and your skin is damp and the air feels so good. like that. and then there was chris. we met on gay.com. i was in the habit of randomly im'ing (i think it was called privating on there. whatever) people i found attractive and politely telling them so. yeah, i don't know either. i was new! and excited! and OMG GIRLS, you know? so i messaged her something silly and flirty. and she messaged me back something charming and witty. aaaand i was hooked. no one had ever been charming before. and AND with the cute. i am not going to tell much of this story here as most of it already exists in the archives. we've had a few rounds. they're all here. she flew me out for thanksgiving and sent me flowers and i swore i'd marry her. a couple years later she flew me and the kid out and we stayed for a few months. we tried so hard that time. we both wanted it so much. but we were both very unhappy for very different reasons and much too young to make it through. and now there is now. i tear up when i think of how wonderful it was at the beginning. before the cheating and lying and choosing and car crashes. it is not now the beautiful creature it was. but we're trying. she belongs here because she was my first girl love. but she's more then that. she was the first time i was with someone and said love and felt butterflies and joy and pride. anything seems possible with her and i feel like she understands me, really gets me, more than i get myself sometimes. i love her. i have for so long and i think i will for a long time, whether we're together or apart. i say this is our third try and she says it's our fifth. either way it's our last. wish us luck.
and then there's mr. jaide. alex is different than the other two, as well. he is where i learned how to love in action. beyond the butterflies and racing hearts. the first time i experienced and participated in love as it is widely defined as a healthy relationship. as a balance of emotion and action. compromise, forgiveness, celebration, all big and small issues you have shacking up with you and your lover. sticking it out. working through it all together. he's my best friend. he's my war buddy. and the things we did, they were really something. he is incredibly important and deserves his own paragraph here. possibly his own entry. but if i'm honest, it's only been just over a week since we really completely split up and i'm not ready to talk about him yet. there is so much. he's so big, i don't know if i ever will. but people always say that when it doesn't work out, don't they? i feel that he's different and want to tell you all how, but i'm pretty sure people do that too.
i met case when i was 16. i didn't love him until much much later. he was horrible for me and i might have been for him as well. i know that he loves me, in the ways that feel true to him. possessive and controlling. forcefully sexual and cruel. what he feels for me is so ruled by fear. i don't know what he's afraid of or why. i don't know why it's so familiar. it always has been. i mean, i know my own history. i understand that a part of what i felt for him was linked to earlier trauma. but it was also so different. i think the love i felt or possibly even still feel for him deep down somewhere has everything to do with the time i spent with him, how very messed up it got. we had a very intense relationship that took me a lot longer than i like to admit to let go of. i feel like i understand him on some deeper level or something. i'm a little rusty, but i think most of what i just described as a first love could also just be described as an abusive situation. in the moment, though, it's easy to confuse the two and i did. i know better now, i know that no matter how i think i understand him and his strange ways and his tangled mind, the best thing i can do is just stay away.
i met cole when i was 19. i was pretty confused about how i felt about him for quite some time. i expected big heart swelling love. i expected a tenderness that i had never experienced before to just take me over, and make me a mommy. this never happened. i don't know if i'm a good mother or not. i don't know how you define that, just like i don't know what love is really. but what i have noticed about my relationship with cole is long before he could talk, his needs were important enough to me to learn all of his nonverbal cues. we have been in some pretty tragic situations, but his safety is and always has been my first priority. i don't focus too much on the squishy, soft love stuff with him. i tend to his needs, i help him grow. he goes with me everywhere. he is a part of me, even as he grows and is becoming his own person. he is a part of me and i would literally do anything for him. i suppose this is the closest to actual love i'm going to write about, but i thought writing about my kid was kind of a cop out. of course i love him, of course i love him in ways and with a depth i didn't know possible. i love him so much i have screwed up again and again because i don't know what to do most of the time. how can you really, beyond a shadow of a doubt, know what to do when you are always thinking as an us or a we and the other person your speaking of isn't quite ready to make the big decisions yet? it's fucking terrifying and it feels like too much but the idea of it not being there, it's like thinking about someone taking everything that makes you you away. all off this fear and all of this too muchness, it is who i am. cole belongs here because he is the first time i loved anyone so completely more then myself, more than anything else.
i met chris when i was 21. i had recently left case. i had been sleeping with women here and there for years, but, you know, not really. i never really let myself explore it. it was just for kicks or for boys or whatever. but then i left case and was alone for a while and really thought about it. well, no. i guess i didn't really think-think about it. like there was no internal dialogue i could insert here that explained how i came to the conclusion that i'm gay. it was more of a feeling. like taking off a mask you've been wearing all night and your skin is damp and the air feels so good. like that. and then there was chris. we met on gay.com. i was in the habit of randomly im'ing (i think it was called privating on there. whatever) people i found attractive and politely telling them so. yeah, i don't know either. i was new! and excited! and OMG GIRLS, you know? so i messaged her something silly and flirty. and she messaged me back something charming and witty. aaaand i was hooked. no one had ever been charming before. and AND with the cute. i am not going to tell much of this story here as most of it already exists in the archives. we've had a few rounds. they're all here. she flew me out for thanksgiving and sent me flowers and i swore i'd marry her. a couple years later she flew me and the kid out and we stayed for a few months. we tried so hard that time. we both wanted it so much. but we were both very unhappy for very different reasons and much too young to make it through. and now there is now. i tear up when i think of how wonderful it was at the beginning. before the cheating and lying and choosing and car crashes. it is not now the beautiful creature it was. but we're trying. she belongs here because she was my first girl love. but she's more then that. she was the first time i was with someone and said love and felt butterflies and joy and pride. anything seems possible with her and i feel like she understands me, really gets me, more than i get myself sometimes. i love her. i have for so long and i think i will for a long time, whether we're together or apart. i say this is our third try and she says it's our fifth. either way it's our last. wish us luck.
and then there's mr. jaide. alex is different than the other two, as well. he is where i learned how to love in action. beyond the butterflies and racing hearts. the first time i experienced and participated in love as it is widely defined as a healthy relationship. as a balance of emotion and action. compromise, forgiveness, celebration, all big and small issues you have shacking up with you and your lover. sticking it out. working through it all together. he's my best friend. he's my war buddy. and the things we did, they were really something. he is incredibly important and deserves his own paragraph here. possibly his own entry. but if i'm honest, it's only been just over a week since we really completely split up and i'm not ready to talk about him yet. there is so much. he's so big, i don't know if i ever will. but people always say that when it doesn't work out, don't they? i feel that he's different and want to tell you all how, but i'm pretty sure people do that too.