glimpses and gratitudes
It's been an interesting week.
I keep going back and forth between concerning myself over very small things and being present to a the overwhelming magnitude of life, the universe and everything. One minute I'll wonder if he loves me or whether I'll see him again, and the next, I'll be struggling to make sense of the future and life hanging in the balance. I question whether human beings have ever been so perched on the edge, with our every action as significant and impacting. And soon after I'll be back to daydreaming about lying in his arms.
I'm not sure what this says about me or my priorities or whether I'll be able to make a difference. That's what I end up concerning myself with the most - will what I'm doing matter? How do I know whether I'm doing the right thing?
Today, at least, I admitted that I'm not big enough to hold it all. I alone will be unable to accomplish what the business alliance was made for - to build a community able to withstand the economic changes we are facing (but most of us are not admitting to). I alone won't be able to create an ecovillage, to build a community where we're working and living together for our mutual benefit. I alone can't accomplish what I need to survive. I can't even grow the food I would need to live.
And perhaps this is the most important realization I've had all day.
When my fear doesn't have me in its grasp, when I'm not scared out of my wits about the future and what will happen, when I'm not sobbing to think of being alone and afraid and unable to cope...
I am humbled by the magnificence of life. By a little girl's smile and blissful ignorance of pain. By the enchanting sound of the wind in the trees. I experience the fullness of knowing I'm loved. I savor the memory of a lover's touch. I am grateful for the persistence of life, for reminders of the sacredness and loveliness of being alive.
I don't know why it's so difficult for us to remain present to the insights we have, to the glimpses of interconnection and meaning we are sometimes blessed with. I don't know what it will take for me to stop being so disarmed and thrown off track by my desire to be accepted by that one person.
But I am grateful for days such as this, when for a few moments I am certain of my place in life, when I can see through the fear and into the possible future, when I know that one person's reaction to me is not indicative of my value and worth, when I can reaffirm my path of blessing, and know that I'm not walking it alone.
I keep going back and forth between concerning myself over very small things and being present to a the overwhelming magnitude of life, the universe and everything. One minute I'll wonder if he loves me or whether I'll see him again, and the next, I'll be struggling to make sense of the future and life hanging in the balance. I question whether human beings have ever been so perched on the edge, with our every action as significant and impacting. And soon after I'll be back to daydreaming about lying in his arms.
I'm not sure what this says about me or my priorities or whether I'll be able to make a difference. That's what I end up concerning myself with the most - will what I'm doing matter? How do I know whether I'm doing the right thing?
Today, at least, I admitted that I'm not big enough to hold it all. I alone will be unable to accomplish what the business alliance was made for - to build a community able to withstand the economic changes we are facing (but most of us are not admitting to). I alone won't be able to create an ecovillage, to build a community where we're working and living together for our mutual benefit. I alone can't accomplish what I need to survive. I can't even grow the food I would need to live.
And perhaps this is the most important realization I've had all day.
When my fear doesn't have me in its grasp, when I'm not scared out of my wits about the future and what will happen, when I'm not sobbing to think of being alone and afraid and unable to cope...
I am humbled by the magnificence of life. By a little girl's smile and blissful ignorance of pain. By the enchanting sound of the wind in the trees. I experience the fullness of knowing I'm loved. I savor the memory of a lover's touch. I am grateful for the persistence of life, for reminders of the sacredness and loveliness of being alive.
I don't know why it's so difficult for us to remain present to the insights we have, to the glimpses of interconnection and meaning we are sometimes blessed with. I don't know what it will take for me to stop being so disarmed and thrown off track by my desire to be accepted by that one person.
But I am grateful for days such as this, when for a few moments I am certain of my place in life, when I can see through the fear and into the possible future, when I know that one person's reaction to me is not indicative of my value and worth, when I can reaffirm my path of blessing, and know that I'm not walking it alone.