run and tell the angels this could take all night
I've been wanting to compose this entry sometime since January (of last year) but the words/courage have failed me. (well that's not entirely true--i've been composing this entry in my head but the hard part is getting it down in writing.)
The short of it is, for a long time I had been feeling kinda blah. I didn't want to say the word depression for various reasons, most of which were variations on a theme of this being mostly a self-diagnosis and not clinical so i didn't feel like i had a claim to it as i was still operating under the delusion that i could bully my emotions into some semblance of sanity--each day that i woke up, i tried to remind myself that things were not as bad as they could be and that, some days, brought rare instances of hope, but it was also an apt word.
So I graduated last May and I'm still, for various reasons again which i'd rather not talk about at this juncture, unemployed. i had a big emotional upheaval sometime at the end of September where I felt like a zombie--just existing. and that largely transformed into an emotional state of ennui and the general feeling of being a waste of human space. it was not pretty inside my head.
i think i'm doing better, at least i'm not as crippled about thoughts of my future as i was around this same time last year.
but i also feel like i have to talk about it, somewhere, at least acknowledge the dark thoughts that existed even if they are only getting acknowledged here and majorly left ignored everywhere else. and i miss blogging. i miss interacting with you all here. i'm trying to get back in the swing of things and sometimes i succeed. but it's still largely an uphill battle.
so. that's where i'm mostly at. i'm not looking for anything because i know there's not much that can be said. i just need you all to be patient with me. and i need to feel like this is the one safe place i can return to. (because i suck at talking about this shit in real life, internalizing everything and bottling it up until i feel like i'm about to lose it and have a nervous breakdown. it took me almost two years to even bring it up here so clearly i have problems.)
~*~
This entry was originally posted at http://dahlia-moon.dreamwidth.org/283719.html.
comments @ DW
The short of it is, for a long time I had been feeling kinda blah. I didn't want to say the word depression for various reasons, most of which were variations on a theme of this being mostly a self-diagnosis and not clinical so i didn't feel like i had a claim to it as i was still operating under the delusion that i could bully my emotions into some semblance of sanity--each day that i woke up, i tried to remind myself that things were not as bad as they could be and that, some days, brought rare instances of hope, but it was also an apt word.
So I graduated last May and I'm still, for various reasons again which i'd rather not talk about at this juncture, unemployed. i had a big emotional upheaval sometime at the end of September where I felt like a zombie--just existing. and that largely transformed into an emotional state of ennui and the general feeling of being a waste of human space. it was not pretty inside my head.
i think i'm doing better, at least i'm not as crippled about thoughts of my future as i was around this same time last year.
but i also feel like i have to talk about it, somewhere, at least acknowledge the dark thoughts that existed even if they are only getting acknowledged here and majorly left ignored everywhere else. and i miss blogging. i miss interacting with you all here. i'm trying to get back in the swing of things and sometimes i succeed. but it's still largely an uphill battle.
so. that's where i'm mostly at. i'm not looking for anything because i know there's not much that can be said. i just need you all to be patient with me. and i need to feel like this is the one safe place i can return to. (because i suck at talking about this shit in real life, internalizing everything and bottling it up until i feel like i'm about to lose it and have a nervous breakdown. it took me almost two years to even bring it up here so clearly i have problems.)
~*~
This entry was originally posted at http://dahlia-moon.dreamwidth.org/283719.html.
comments @ DW