Thoughts on introversion, and being back to clinic escorting and patient-instructing
Still feeling all introverted and not much like being social outside the household. That led to an interesting conversation last night (with Bec, Caleb, and Grafton) about why I'm able to psychologically recharge when hanging out with them, but not with other people, no matter how much I enjoy their company. Lots of rambling about the distinction between being welcoming and being hospitable (I share well, but I'm a lousy host; thankfully others in the house are better at that), and the fundamental differences, especially in my mental state, between being able to be social or not in a shared space, as opposed to hosting. The latter requires a level of psychological alert that is draining in a similar way to going out to be social. Fun and good, but something I can only handle for a limited time, and then I need to be home and either be alone or only deal with the household for a while.
Frequently when I'm all withdrawn to the outside world, I'm still very chatty and social within the household. It's part of why I don't look like I'm anywhere near as introverted as I actually am. It's also part of what really works for me about living rather communally; I get the social interaction I need without the stresses I'm so variable at coping with. I'm not always certain whether I'm running out of psychological steam because of fatigue, or depression, or being overwhelmed by the rest of life, or just flat-out introvert limits -- all of them factor in at various times -- but it's definitely a huge factor in how I interact with the world. This past week I've been mostly offline, almost entirely off IM, mostly just working and hanging out with the household and watching Farscape marathons, and it's been exactly what I needed. Relatedly, I tend to do best when I'm being social outside the house if the socializing revolves around an actual activity, especially one with clear start and end points. I do well with set time limits so that I can gauge my energy level and adjust as necessary to maintain throughout that time period. I rather hate that I don't do unexpected or unplanned well at all anymore, but it's true. If I'm going to be social on a Wednesday evening, I'm planning and adjusting not just that day, but several days in advance. And I cancel plans a lot. I do. It sucks, but I'm not sure it's worse than the alternative of dealing with being social when it's going to be a slog, instead of a pleasure. I'm no fun for anyone like that.
On a very positive note, I'm finally back to both patient-instructing and clinic escorting, and that's really making my life feel whole again; I've been missing both quite badly, although worrying about taking them back up because of overall energy concerns. Top priority is managing work as well as possible, both because I'm a large part of the household bacon, and because I dig my boss and don't want to make his life difficult. I still end up having to take a decent number of FMLA days, though, so if either patient-instructing or escorting were directly affecting that, they would have to be no-goes. Thankfully, I now have a schedule where I'm teaching on non-work days, and that seems to be working out well. I'm probably going to keep it to just once a week instead of both days, but that's more than I was necessarily expecting I'd be able to commit to. It was really great to be back to teaching, and I had good students both this week and last, so that was awesome. Nice to remember that this is something I'm really damned good at.
Clinic escorting is trickier. The combination of early hours, weather exposure, physical demands, and having to go to work almost right afterward makes things difficult, but at least not impossible. My experience yesterday was pretty ideal; I wasn't flaring badly, the weather was good, I was at the Center where escorting starts an hour later, and the protesters left early so I was able to get a nap before work. Given all of that, I was able to do my full evening shift yesterday at work without any notable problem; I didn't have to take a stim pill, and I didn't have to nap during my lunch. I'm still going to have to feel out how things work when any of this is less than ideal, and I certainly don't intend to go back to escorting 2-3 times a month like I was for a while (we were short-staffed), but once monthly during the warmer months is seeming pretty feasible without triggering flares. I'll just have to figure out exactly how early in spring and how late in fall I'll actually be able to be reliable. I do think I probably need to stick with the Center instead of Preterm, though. The hour extra sleep when I'm on a second-shift schedule anyway makes a big difference, as does the fact that overall, it's likely to be about three hours outside at the Center, and closer to five at Preterm on a hectic day. This is something of a bummer, since I'm really fond of working Preterm; it's more stressful but also more interesting and challenging. And I have a lot of friends who work there, so it's nice to get a chance to say hi. Also, it's shaded, and I fear the sun. I burn like a burning thing, even with sunscreen. The Center is entirely exposed in that regard. Boo. Need to do some better planning in that regard.
So, anyway, life update. There ya go. Now back to catching up on links and life and movies (Netflix streaming may be gone from work, but now I've got a desk drawer full of actual DVDs!)
Frequently when I'm all withdrawn to the outside world, I'm still very chatty and social within the household. It's part of why I don't look like I'm anywhere near as introverted as I actually am. It's also part of what really works for me about living rather communally; I get the social interaction I need without the stresses I'm so variable at coping with. I'm not always certain whether I'm running out of psychological steam because of fatigue, or depression, or being overwhelmed by the rest of life, or just flat-out introvert limits -- all of them factor in at various times -- but it's definitely a huge factor in how I interact with the world. This past week I've been mostly offline, almost entirely off IM, mostly just working and hanging out with the household and watching Farscape marathons, and it's been exactly what I needed. Relatedly, I tend to do best when I'm being social outside the house if the socializing revolves around an actual activity, especially one with clear start and end points. I do well with set time limits so that I can gauge my energy level and adjust as necessary to maintain throughout that time period. I rather hate that I don't do unexpected or unplanned well at all anymore, but it's true. If I'm going to be social on a Wednesday evening, I'm planning and adjusting not just that day, but several days in advance. And I cancel plans a lot. I do. It sucks, but I'm not sure it's worse than the alternative of dealing with being social when it's going to be a slog, instead of a pleasure. I'm no fun for anyone like that.
On a very positive note, I'm finally back to both patient-instructing and clinic escorting, and that's really making my life feel whole again; I've been missing both quite badly, although worrying about taking them back up because of overall energy concerns. Top priority is managing work as well as possible, both because I'm a large part of the household bacon, and because I dig my boss and don't want to make his life difficult. I still end up having to take a decent number of FMLA days, though, so if either patient-instructing or escorting were directly affecting that, they would have to be no-goes. Thankfully, I now have a schedule where I'm teaching on non-work days, and that seems to be working out well. I'm probably going to keep it to just once a week instead of both days, but that's more than I was necessarily expecting I'd be able to commit to. It was really great to be back to teaching, and I had good students both this week and last, so that was awesome. Nice to remember that this is something I'm really damned good at.
Clinic escorting is trickier. The combination of early hours, weather exposure, physical demands, and having to go to work almost right afterward makes things difficult, but at least not impossible. My experience yesterday was pretty ideal; I wasn't flaring badly, the weather was good, I was at the Center where escorting starts an hour later, and the protesters left early so I was able to get a nap before work. Given all of that, I was able to do my full evening shift yesterday at work without any notable problem; I didn't have to take a stim pill, and I didn't have to nap during my lunch. I'm still going to have to feel out how things work when any of this is less than ideal, and I certainly don't intend to go back to escorting 2-3 times a month like I was for a while (we were short-staffed), but once monthly during the warmer months is seeming pretty feasible without triggering flares. I'll just have to figure out exactly how early in spring and how late in fall I'll actually be able to be reliable. I do think I probably need to stick with the Center instead of Preterm, though. The hour extra sleep when I'm on a second-shift schedule anyway makes a big difference, as does the fact that overall, it's likely to be about three hours outside at the Center, and closer to five at Preterm on a hectic day. This is something of a bummer, since I'm really fond of working Preterm; it's more stressful but also more interesting and challenging. And I have a lot of friends who work there, so it's nice to get a chance to say hi. Also, it's shaded, and I fear the sun. I burn like a burning thing, even with sunscreen. The Center is entirely exposed in that regard. Boo. Need to do some better planning in that regard.
So, anyway, life update. There ya go. Now back to catching up on links and life and movies (Netflix streaming may be gone from work, but now I've got a desk drawer full of actual DVDs!)