Mixed episode?
Mostly a reference for myself, and an update to those who keep an eye out for what's going on with my psych stuff (hey, jajy1979).
Argh. I'm a mess. Really gotta stop doing this to myself in terms of my sleep patterns; I'm exhausted, have a hellish migraine, and currently the emotional maturity of a pre-tantrum three-year-old. I should be sent to my room for a nap.
On the other hand, I've managed to make it productive in some ways, at least. In my attempts to hold onto the shreds of my maturity in the past couple days I've addressed a couple of ongoing issues that were getting to me.
So that's been good. ("Not to be having temper-tantrum at partners. No. To be having conversation with partners. Yes.") *
On the other hand, being randomly weepy at work always blows chunks. At least that was more yesterday than today.
Can't tell how much of this is direct exhaustion, and how much could be a mixed episode (combined manic and depressive patterns). Blah. Tricky.
Makes me really damned glad for the hyperrationality coping mechanism **. Good for caging the brainmice, at least most of the way.
I can't make depressive crap suck less, but I've gotten pretty good at letting it fuck up my life a lot less.
Basically, I'm just really up and down right now. Very little emotional buffer against intense reaction to whatever's going on at the moment. I do think the sleep-dep's a big part of it, and that I'll be much better for a nap. But this pattern continuing over the course of several days now makes me wary.
* This is one of the funny things that tends to be a pattern for me. Little ongoing things don't generally bother me enough to really chase down and try to sort out when I'm up, or even when I'm midline. I'm rather insanely chill about all the little quirks and foibles and such, and see them as very minor in the larger scheme of things, and an unavoidable element of us all being human. When I start getting depressed, though, the brainmice come out to play, and at that point I'm very aware (after years of trial and massive error) that I have two choices -- force myself to do what I know is the rational thing, and address it before it can stew and cause damage, or take the really unhealthy but appealing path of sinking into the bitter, reclusive, insecure mess my depression wants to tell me is the truth, and where I should be anyway. And taking action, whether it's a period of massive life organization and tidying/cleaning, or sorting out lingering communication thingees and getting the connection and reassurance I need, is probably my most useful coping mechanism. Which leads into **: A big part of how my brain works is analytically, especially when I'm trying to make sense of both internal mood states/life condition and relationships (of every sort) in my life. It's a huge part of my primary coping mechanism for dealing with the bipolar with a minimum of medication. And part of why I talk about it, here, and to the people in my life, is that when I'm trying to explain something, it's important to me to be as accurate as I can. And I end up playing my own Devil's Advocate against the brainmice, pointing out the flaws in my depression logic, and noting the thought trains that are so clearly biochemical, not rational (and dealing with other people really helps me into that headspace, because it's a self-image thing that I want to be seen as a rational person, and it becomes a 'fake it 'til ya make it' thing -- it's a matter of pride to be able to point out my own idiocies before someone else does). It doesn't fix what I "believe" at a gut level (all those horrible things we tell ourselves), but by letting myself slip into a very scientific approach -- "Even if I don't believe this will work, this approach is what has had the best outcomes more often in the past, therefore it is the rational approach right now". This totally saves my ass. In fact, it tends to make these periods especially productive, if anxiety-ridden and intermittently overly-emotional.
Also, given that I'm choosing not to pursue many of the treatment avenues open to me, in terms of psychiatric treatment, it becomes a matter of fairness to the people around me, who have to support me if I let myself get into too much of a mess. And like the "want to be seen as rational" thing, "want to be fair to the people around me" becomes somewhat self-reinforcing. In general, my obligations in the world are very steadying for me. Part of why "communal and connected" is so good for me.
Argh. I'm a mess. Really gotta stop doing this to myself in terms of my sleep patterns; I'm exhausted, have a hellish migraine, and currently the emotional maturity of a pre-tantrum three-year-old. I should be sent to my room for a nap.
On the other hand, I've managed to make it productive in some ways, at least. In my attempts to hold onto the shreds of my maturity in the past couple days I've addressed a couple of ongoing issues that were getting to me.
So that's been good. ("Not to be having temper-tantrum at partners. No. To be having conversation with partners. Yes.") *
On the other hand, being randomly weepy at work always blows chunks. At least that was more yesterday than today.
Can't tell how much of this is direct exhaustion, and how much could be a mixed episode (combined manic and depressive patterns). Blah. Tricky.
Makes me really damned glad for the hyperrationality coping mechanism **. Good for caging the brainmice, at least most of the way.
I can't make depressive crap suck less, but I've gotten pretty good at letting it fuck up my life a lot less.
Basically, I'm just really up and down right now. Very little emotional buffer against intense reaction to whatever's going on at the moment. I do think the sleep-dep's a big part of it, and that I'll be much better for a nap. But this pattern continuing over the course of several days now makes me wary.
* This is one of the funny things that tends to be a pattern for me. Little ongoing things don't generally bother me enough to really chase down and try to sort out when I'm up, or even when I'm midline. I'm rather insanely chill about all the little quirks and foibles and such, and see them as very minor in the larger scheme of things, and an unavoidable element of us all being human. When I start getting depressed, though, the brainmice come out to play, and at that point I'm very aware (after years of trial and massive error) that I have two choices -- force myself to do what I know is the rational thing, and address it before it can stew and cause damage, or take the really unhealthy but appealing path of sinking into the bitter, reclusive, insecure mess my depression wants to tell me is the truth, and where I should be anyway. And taking action, whether it's a period of massive life organization and tidying/cleaning, or sorting out lingering communication thingees and getting the connection and reassurance I need, is probably my most useful coping mechanism. Which leads into **: A big part of how my brain works is analytically, especially when I'm trying to make sense of both internal mood states/life condition and relationships (of every sort) in my life. It's a huge part of my primary coping mechanism for dealing with the bipolar with a minimum of medication. And part of why I talk about it, here, and to the people in my life, is that when I'm trying to explain something, it's important to me to be as accurate as I can. And I end up playing my own Devil's Advocate against the brainmice, pointing out the flaws in my depression logic, and noting the thought trains that are so clearly biochemical, not rational (and dealing with other people really helps me into that headspace, because it's a self-image thing that I want to be seen as a rational person, and it becomes a 'fake it 'til ya make it' thing -- it's a matter of pride to be able to point out my own idiocies before someone else does). It doesn't fix what I "believe" at a gut level (all those horrible things we tell ourselves), but by letting myself slip into a very scientific approach -- "Even if I don't believe this will work, this approach is what has had the best outcomes more often in the past, therefore it is the rational approach right now". This totally saves my ass. In fact, it tends to make these periods especially productive, if anxiety-ridden and intermittently overly-emotional.
Also, given that I'm choosing not to pursue many of the treatment avenues open to me, in terms of psychiatric treatment, it becomes a matter of fairness to the people around me, who have to support me if I let myself get into too much of a mess. And like the "want to be seen as rational" thing, "want to be fair to the people around me" becomes somewhat self-reinforcing. In general, my obligations in the world are very steadying for me. Part of why "communal and connected" is so good for me.