realize
coming back from atlantis has brought me to a point in the road of realizations. on my three hour wait at the charlotte airport, i couldn't help but make observations, and those of which have allowed me to piece in missing spaces of my puzzle. people always say that life is what you make it,... but what if you're bounded to the ground? what if there's someone, something holding you back from getting from point a to point b? what if you're somehow paralyzed not just physically, but emotionally and mentally? i think with the thousand sayings people come up with, the best thing a person can do is perhaps to just listen, and learn to apply it in ways that will aid them in finding whatever it is one is trying to find, even if they have to change and reverse the words so that it fits. no one for certain is wrong, but it isn't to say that they are correct either. since i've been little, i only wanted to find what it meant to define life with happiness. whether it was through simplicity, or complexity, or even a mixture of both. i might not reach my final destination where borders will reply to my answers, but i'm sure, i'm a little bit closer to finding truth...
meet the expectantly in expectable; my mom can't seem to sit or stand still, then there are times when she's glued to a chair. i guess most of the time, it was a benefit because it was easier to sort of search through crowds of people. not to say that i was trying to escape my own problems through their personal business, but there was something about the airport that really made me go through an analysis of what my life has become, or rather, where it is going, and realize what i've been trying to comprehend for quite some time.
airports are like homes, even something greater; something so immeasurable that i can't accumulate words to describe the feeling i've encountered during those three long hours, which seemed to never end. beauty, ... it's been defined upwards, downwards, inwards, outwards, every which way, that in my vocabulary, it is nothing but an empty space. and with that, i wished it were the same for everyone else. not because it isn't significant, or that it shouldn't be praised, i just feel that beauty should be something more or something less than what people really make of it. i wish beauty were seen the way i saw it in the airport. there shouldn't be any borders, or boundaries, or bridges, or barriers between what people have decided when it comes to beauty versus ugly, and those words are said so much, that both have just become so transparent. it's amazing because from my perspective of where i sat, families welcomed each other with open arms; friends, relatives, and lovers held onto each other, no matter how "rough" they looked, actually, no matter how they looked at all. imagine if strangers reacted that way toward others. the world, as cliché as it sounds, would truly be a much better place. not just that, people will never have to abuse themselves to reach these high standards, which are nothing but human made. so why listen? why care? why create facades? see, we're all human, and like everybody else, i strived to reach for some sort of beauty, without realizing that what i was looking for was already there. for years now, i've struggled with my own personal disease; living underneath this skin, and feeling that every head turned my way has made me null and a display of mockery. i couldn't find beauty on the surface, and my mind was so focused and concentrated on what was physical, that my insides; my heart, and my soul, were constantly tormented with stress, depression, and emotional struggles. before i knew it, i was far more than just a person with a disease, i myself, have become the disease, and beauty, it was nowhere to be found.
before i make my point, there's something else i want to touch base with; love and feeling important. this is another reason why being in the airport was such a relief. up until now, i still haven't found or felt the love i've been longing to feel. people, friends, my family, my mother have all told me at some point in my life that they love me. sometimes, so much that it has become a sort of hello-goodbye. yet beneath every minute that they tell me they love me, i feel like they've wasted their breath. i don't think many people realize what the true meaning of love is, and what it is to truly love someone. of course, who am i to say such a thing if i constantly claim that i haven't felt such love? i have a point, trust me.. thus, leading to the feeling of being non-existent, being without importance, and living under no significance. although a large part of me still feels a lack of love and importance, being in the airport was like watching a movie, which has grasped me immensely that i felt a part of others interactions and, well, mushiness. it was nice to watch people in love with one another, to mingle while holding hands, or even just to sit in the corner with someone they loved on the other end of the phone, or laptop. everyone, no matter how small, how tall, wherever they stood on the fine line of "beauty", were important, were significant. i'm glad to say my mother and i were somewhat a part of what i encountered at the airport. although we argued more times than not, and although we weren't as close as everyone else at the airport, it was more than nothing and a little more than something to start with. i know she loves me, despite the reckless and imprisoned life i feel i have; but i couldn't help but feel a stronger love, which has made me feel that and a beauty and importance i'll never forget. not just in the airport, but while in the bahamas as well. i had this stronger fort and something i knew i could really hold onto. at the end of everyday, whether i was tired from walking or simply hearing my mother talk, i had someone to fall back on, and i am more than honored to say that it was no one, and nothing greater than a man named Jesus.
if anything, He has made me content enough to the point where my faith and hope are concurrently rising. there are no limits to the way He has made me feel. i may still feel like a display of mockery when i walk past a person who whispers to themself that i am "ugly" or a deviation from the norm. i may still feel that love is nowhere near my comfort zones, or within reach for me to grasp. i may still feel that importance will never reach close proximities of where i stand. but you know what, i don't need human-made sayings to help me stand my ground, i don't need people to tell me they love me, or to tell me or make me feel beautiful, or important, because i have all of that, which is grand in my heart and my soul. you and i are beautiful in the eyes of Lord and nothing else should matter. you and i are loved, simply and just like that. i believe every heartbeat was given to me as a blessing from God, and every heartbeat serves as a reminder that God loves me so much and has such a great purpose and reason for my life, that I am still living, and breathing.
so thanks to the airport for making me understand so much, which i haven't been able to comprehend before. i know my relationship with God is stronger; even if i'm a little behind with knowing the truth and His beautiful promise, and although, like the grains of sand on a beach, i will not just try, but do my best to fight hindrances. with everything said, minus words and thoughts i may be missing, i know my relationship with God will continue to grow and instantaneously reach higher and go beyond the sea of clouds, which are scattered and aligned so perfectly the way God's love has been for me and you. there is nothing more perfect, nothing more glorious, nothing more beautiful than God's love. slowly i'm making my way, i'm finding love, i'm finding whatever God needs me to find, by His will and through His pathways. He is a paragon of beauty and love and importance, the way He has made me feel and experience and comprehend such things within such a short amount of days.
i guess for now, i'll leave with this:
Let Go, Let God
He'll take you from here....
meet the expectantly in expectable; my mom can't seem to sit or stand still, then there are times when she's glued to a chair. i guess most of the time, it was a benefit because it was easier to sort of search through crowds of people. not to say that i was trying to escape my own problems through their personal business, but there was something about the airport that really made me go through an analysis of what my life has become, or rather, where it is going, and realize what i've been trying to comprehend for quite some time.
airports are like homes, even something greater; something so immeasurable that i can't accumulate words to describe the feeling i've encountered during those three long hours, which seemed to never end. beauty, ... it's been defined upwards, downwards, inwards, outwards, every which way, that in my vocabulary, it is nothing but an empty space. and with that, i wished it were the same for everyone else. not because it isn't significant, or that it shouldn't be praised, i just feel that beauty should be something more or something less than what people really make of it. i wish beauty were seen the way i saw it in the airport. there shouldn't be any borders, or boundaries, or bridges, or barriers between what people have decided when it comes to beauty versus ugly, and those words are said so much, that both have just become so transparent. it's amazing because from my perspective of where i sat, families welcomed each other with open arms; friends, relatives, and lovers held onto each other, no matter how "rough" they looked, actually, no matter how they looked at all. imagine if strangers reacted that way toward others. the world, as cliché as it sounds, would truly be a much better place. not just that, people will never have to abuse themselves to reach these high standards, which are nothing but human made. so why listen? why care? why create facades? see, we're all human, and like everybody else, i strived to reach for some sort of beauty, without realizing that what i was looking for was already there. for years now, i've struggled with my own personal disease; living underneath this skin, and feeling that every head turned my way has made me null and a display of mockery. i couldn't find beauty on the surface, and my mind was so focused and concentrated on what was physical, that my insides; my heart, and my soul, were constantly tormented with stress, depression, and emotional struggles. before i knew it, i was far more than just a person with a disease, i myself, have become the disease, and beauty, it was nowhere to be found.
before i make my point, there's something else i want to touch base with; love and feeling important. this is another reason why being in the airport was such a relief. up until now, i still haven't found or felt the love i've been longing to feel. people, friends, my family, my mother have all told me at some point in my life that they love me. sometimes, so much that it has become a sort of hello-goodbye. yet beneath every minute that they tell me they love me, i feel like they've wasted their breath. i don't think many people realize what the true meaning of love is, and what it is to truly love someone. of course, who am i to say such a thing if i constantly claim that i haven't felt such love? i have a point, trust me.. thus, leading to the feeling of being non-existent, being without importance, and living under no significance. although a large part of me still feels a lack of love and importance, being in the airport was like watching a movie, which has grasped me immensely that i felt a part of others interactions and, well, mushiness. it was nice to watch people in love with one another, to mingle while holding hands, or even just to sit in the corner with someone they loved on the other end of the phone, or laptop. everyone, no matter how small, how tall, wherever they stood on the fine line of "beauty", were important, were significant. i'm glad to say my mother and i were somewhat a part of what i encountered at the airport. although we argued more times than not, and although we weren't as close as everyone else at the airport, it was more than nothing and a little more than something to start with. i know she loves me, despite the reckless and imprisoned life i feel i have; but i couldn't help but feel a stronger love, which has made me feel that and a beauty and importance i'll never forget. not just in the airport, but while in the bahamas as well. i had this stronger fort and something i knew i could really hold onto. at the end of everyday, whether i was tired from walking or simply hearing my mother talk, i had someone to fall back on, and i am more than honored to say that it was no one, and nothing greater than a man named Jesus.
if anything, He has made me content enough to the point where my faith and hope are concurrently rising. there are no limits to the way He has made me feel. i may still feel like a display of mockery when i walk past a person who whispers to themself that i am "ugly" or a deviation from the norm. i may still feel that love is nowhere near my comfort zones, or within reach for me to grasp. i may still feel that importance will never reach close proximities of where i stand. but you know what, i don't need human-made sayings to help me stand my ground, i don't need people to tell me they love me, or to tell me or make me feel beautiful, or important, because i have all of that, which is grand in my heart and my soul. you and i are beautiful in the eyes of Lord and nothing else should matter. you and i are loved, simply and just like that. i believe every heartbeat was given to me as a blessing from God, and every heartbeat serves as a reminder that God loves me so much and has such a great purpose and reason for my life, that I am still living, and breathing.
so thanks to the airport for making me understand so much, which i haven't been able to comprehend before. i know my relationship with God is stronger; even if i'm a little behind with knowing the truth and His beautiful promise, and although, like the grains of sand on a beach, i will not just try, but do my best to fight hindrances. with everything said, minus words and thoughts i may be missing, i know my relationship with God will continue to grow and instantaneously reach higher and go beyond the sea of clouds, which are scattered and aligned so perfectly the way God's love has been for me and you. there is nothing more perfect, nothing more glorious, nothing more beautiful than God's love. slowly i'm making my way, i'm finding love, i'm finding whatever God needs me to find, by His will and through His pathways. He is a paragon of beauty and love and importance, the way He has made me feel and experience and comprehend such things within such a short amount of days.
i guess for now, i'll leave with this:
Let Go, Let God
He'll take you from here....