Society, you're a crazy breed!
I've come to a conclusion about myself...
I'm a people-pleaser. And yes, to a degree, I'm sure we all are.
But the thing is...I strive for that. I thrive on that. That doesn't necessarily bother me. People think "Oh, do what YOU want. Do YOUR thing." I do my thing, I do what I want, I like the things I like because I like them, not because everyone else does. BUT. I like to be a people-pleaser. I like to make people happy. If I displease, I generally feel down...but if I please, I'm content...and I can breathe and live happy.
I admit this for the first time out loud and it shocked me when I realized this...but...I enjoy being different. And I truly mean that. Now, I do care what people think of me, of course. But it's in a different way. I worry if they think I'm a good person; that's the basis of my concern. It's not whether or not I necessarily fit in or fit to their standards, but it's whether or not I'm a good person to them. I guess...I worry if I'm good enough for this life.
I've always enjoyed being out there and standing out in the crowd. I don't necessarily like the spotlight on me, but I enjoy to be out there. Growing up while all my friends listened to Backstreet Boys and NSYNC and all that poppy music, I was rocking to Pearl Jam, Jars of Clay, Guster, and other absurd bands in their eyes. And I let them know it. At sleep overs, they would listen and rock out to the music...and I would look at them in horror and say "What are you LISTENING to?" Now. I like to joke around and say I had a real music taste back even as a little tyke...but really...it was to stand in the crowd. I liked to answer the question "Who's your favorite band?" with U2 or Pearl Jam when my peers' replies were of the main stream "boy bands" or pop stars like Britney Spears.
As much as I love to be around people and be accepted by those people, I want people to accept my independence and my self of individual thoughts. I think that's what also drives my absurd music tendencies. I know people may argue with me that bands like Bloc Party and Broken Social Scene and Daft Punk are not the norm, maybe not even "music"...but I totally disagree. And again, I think that's all part of my sense of individualism.
I guess I found out that I'm an anticonformist. I think that's why I became so fascinated with Thoreau at the age of 10. I watched the movie Dead Poets Society as a little kid (although, my mother would NEVER let me watch the devastating scene, which I won't go through in case anyone wants to watch it and hasn't ever seen it) and I would cry at the end of the movie while Ethan Hawke's character stepped on his desk in a very tight Catholic school, declaring "O Captain, my Captain!" I wonder why a child would connect to those principles? Probably because I had interest in those ideals. I wasn't afraid to be different. I wasn't afraid to be against the norm. I've always wanted to have that affect on someone...
You know...the "O Captain, my Captain". I wanted to make my own path. I've wanted someone to recognize it and say "Hey, she's great." Robert Frost illustrates that whole concept of my ideals well: "Two roads diverged in the wood and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." I'm sure most of you have heard that. But it's true. I don't necessarily enjoy the looks or the comments I'll hear from behind my back. I found myself worrying far too much about whether or not people noticed. It's like I wanted people to listen, to be against the norm. But then, we'd all be against the norm, which would BE the norm. Irony? Meh. Confusion, really.
I remember listening to the quote they based the movie Dead Poets Society around as a child and running to a dictionary to make sense of it. I sat down and broke it down...and it absolutely changed my life. I remember rewinding the movie over and over until I had the whole quote written down. Oh, the days before DVD's and the Internet!
"I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." -- Thoreau
And this is IT! THAT IS ME!
I kind of let this all pass throughout my life. I put these ideals aside, trying to look more into other lifestyles, to learn what I truly wanted. Of course, being a teenager, I would do such a thing. It's a critical period of soaking up all the stimuli and environment surrounding...and I wanted to fit in, of course, especially with my school having closed and being in a new one. I didn't back down, though. I was shaken, that's for sure. There were points where I wanted to give up and completely quit school simply because I couldn't handle that ache of losing WPHS. It was scary being at the rival school. But I made it. Imagine if I let myself go. I don't even like to think about it...
I wasn't unpopular in high school. I was friendly. People liked me. I got very good grades. It wasn't unbearable after a while. It was just what it was. And I accepted it. But that's when I really began to hide from everything. I didn't want to be different, I didn't want to be the same. I just wanted to be nothing. I was in some state of nothingness. I can't define it or explain it, but essentially, I was nothing and felt nothing. I was depressed beyond words' capabilties.
I will say, however, youth group was a way to fill that emptiness and close that hole. I wasn't so empty, but even so, I was lying to myself because I was really following the crowd. I fell too easily into what people expected of me. If I didn't want to do something, I made an excuse...I couldn't bare to tell someone that I just had no interest in it. And I look back and laugh to myself. Was I that concerned about their reactions? If someone were to get upset at me, THEY should be the ones that are the "losers", so-to-speak.
The summer after graduation, I read that book, "Into the Wild" -- and that was like a kick in the gut, the teeth, and it ricocheted throughout my body. It left an imprint that I cannot express. Most of you would probably find the whole concept ridiculous and the movie/book boring or stupid. So be it. That's your choice and I'm not to tell you that you're wrong. To each his own...
But for me, that reignited my passion for nonconformity. The intensity of the message is much more powerful than just the words and the story. There is a moral to that story. It's not a story. It's fact, it's real. Chris McCandless was real. His legacy is real. His imprint on my life is real. I'm not saying he was a hero...there are parts where I ache for his pain and frustration. I ache that he was SO upset with society, that he would screw his family over like that and put them through that much pain. It was selfish, yes. But...he did something that I'm sure has changed many lives for the better...for instance, mine.
What I found interesting...is Chris's mother is a native Yooper, from Iron Mountain. My home. The UP. Home. He spent many summers with his grandparents in the UP and that's where they believe his love grew for nature. Could this be a Yooper thing? It intrigues me...
It has shown me that life is precious. It's worth LIVING. But the kicker is...life is only real when shared. HAPPINESS IS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED! And those are words written by a desperate Chris McCandless. And it breaks my heart that he had to suffer. It breaks my heart that his family had to suffer. But his messages live on...his lessons that he learned are forever in history...
Strength. Be strong to be YOU. Be strong to be why you want to be yourself...and what you want to be. Just be. Simply be.
"I read somewhere of how important it is in life to not necessarily be strong, but to feel strong...to measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions...that's the way it is here." -- Chris McCandless
At least once.
I think that's something we can all hold onto. We should all do that...at least once.
Listen to this song. Please. It's beautiful. It screams Chris McCandless all over. It screams Alexandra Saari. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7loLxor-Hsg&feature=related
Start the music.
Feel strong!
I'm a people-pleaser. And yes, to a degree, I'm sure we all are.
But the thing is...I strive for that. I thrive on that. That doesn't necessarily bother me. People think "Oh, do what YOU want. Do YOUR thing." I do my thing, I do what I want, I like the things I like because I like them, not because everyone else does. BUT. I like to be a people-pleaser. I like to make people happy. If I displease, I generally feel down...but if I please, I'm content...and I can breathe and live happy.
I admit this for the first time out loud and it shocked me when I realized this...but...I enjoy being different. And I truly mean that. Now, I do care what people think of me, of course. But it's in a different way. I worry if they think I'm a good person; that's the basis of my concern. It's not whether or not I necessarily fit in or fit to their standards, but it's whether or not I'm a good person to them. I guess...I worry if I'm good enough for this life.
I've always enjoyed being out there and standing out in the crowd. I don't necessarily like the spotlight on me, but I enjoy to be out there. Growing up while all my friends listened to Backstreet Boys and NSYNC and all that poppy music, I was rocking to Pearl Jam, Jars of Clay, Guster, and other absurd bands in their eyes. And I let them know it. At sleep overs, they would listen and rock out to the music...and I would look at them in horror and say "What are you LISTENING to?" Now. I like to joke around and say I had a real music taste back even as a little tyke...but really...it was to stand in the crowd. I liked to answer the question "Who's your favorite band?" with U2 or Pearl Jam when my peers' replies were of the main stream "boy bands" or pop stars like Britney Spears.
As much as I love to be around people and be accepted by those people, I want people to accept my independence and my self of individual thoughts. I think that's what also drives my absurd music tendencies. I know people may argue with me that bands like Bloc Party and Broken Social Scene and Daft Punk are not the norm, maybe not even "music"...but I totally disagree. And again, I think that's all part of my sense of individualism.
I guess I found out that I'm an anticonformist. I think that's why I became so fascinated with Thoreau at the age of 10. I watched the movie Dead Poets Society as a little kid (although, my mother would NEVER let me watch the devastating scene, which I won't go through in case anyone wants to watch it and hasn't ever seen it) and I would cry at the end of the movie while Ethan Hawke's character stepped on his desk in a very tight Catholic school, declaring "O Captain, my Captain!" I wonder why a child would connect to those principles? Probably because I had interest in those ideals. I wasn't afraid to be different. I wasn't afraid to be against the norm. I've always wanted to have that affect on someone...
You know...the "O Captain, my Captain". I wanted to make my own path. I've wanted someone to recognize it and say "Hey, she's great." Robert Frost illustrates that whole concept of my ideals well: "Two roads diverged in the wood and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." I'm sure most of you have heard that. But it's true. I don't necessarily enjoy the looks or the comments I'll hear from behind my back. I found myself worrying far too much about whether or not people noticed. It's like I wanted people to listen, to be against the norm. But then, we'd all be against the norm, which would BE the norm. Irony? Meh. Confusion, really.
I remember listening to the quote they based the movie Dead Poets Society around as a child and running to a dictionary to make sense of it. I sat down and broke it down...and it absolutely changed my life. I remember rewinding the movie over and over until I had the whole quote written down. Oh, the days before DVD's and the Internet!
"I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." -- Thoreau
And this is IT! THAT IS ME!
I kind of let this all pass throughout my life. I put these ideals aside, trying to look more into other lifestyles, to learn what I truly wanted. Of course, being a teenager, I would do such a thing. It's a critical period of soaking up all the stimuli and environment surrounding...and I wanted to fit in, of course, especially with my school having closed and being in a new one. I didn't back down, though. I was shaken, that's for sure. There were points where I wanted to give up and completely quit school simply because I couldn't handle that ache of losing WPHS. It was scary being at the rival school. But I made it. Imagine if I let myself go. I don't even like to think about it...
I wasn't unpopular in high school. I was friendly. People liked me. I got very good grades. It wasn't unbearable after a while. It was just what it was. And I accepted it. But that's when I really began to hide from everything. I didn't want to be different, I didn't want to be the same. I just wanted to be nothing. I was in some state of nothingness. I can't define it or explain it, but essentially, I was nothing and felt nothing. I was depressed beyond words' capabilties.
I will say, however, youth group was a way to fill that emptiness and close that hole. I wasn't so empty, but even so, I was lying to myself because I was really following the crowd. I fell too easily into what people expected of me. If I didn't want to do something, I made an excuse...I couldn't bare to tell someone that I just had no interest in it. And I look back and laugh to myself. Was I that concerned about their reactions? If someone were to get upset at me, THEY should be the ones that are the "losers", so-to-speak.
The summer after graduation, I read that book, "Into the Wild" -- and that was like a kick in the gut, the teeth, and it ricocheted throughout my body. It left an imprint that I cannot express. Most of you would probably find the whole concept ridiculous and the movie/book boring or stupid. So be it. That's your choice and I'm not to tell you that you're wrong. To each his own...
But for me, that reignited my passion for nonconformity. The intensity of the message is much more powerful than just the words and the story. There is a moral to that story. It's not a story. It's fact, it's real. Chris McCandless was real. His legacy is real. His imprint on my life is real. I'm not saying he was a hero...there are parts where I ache for his pain and frustration. I ache that he was SO upset with society, that he would screw his family over like that and put them through that much pain. It was selfish, yes. But...he did something that I'm sure has changed many lives for the better...for instance, mine.
What I found interesting...is Chris's mother is a native Yooper, from Iron Mountain. My home. The UP. Home. He spent many summers with his grandparents in the UP and that's where they believe his love grew for nature. Could this be a Yooper thing? It intrigues me...
It has shown me that life is precious. It's worth LIVING. But the kicker is...life is only real when shared. HAPPINESS IS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED! And those are words written by a desperate Chris McCandless. And it breaks my heart that he had to suffer. It breaks my heart that his family had to suffer. But his messages live on...his lessons that he learned are forever in history...
Strength. Be strong to be YOU. Be strong to be why you want to be yourself...and what you want to be. Just be. Simply be.
"I read somewhere of how important it is in life to not necessarily be strong, but to feel strong...to measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions...that's the way it is here." -- Chris McCandless
At least once.
I think that's something we can all hold onto. We should all do that...at least once.
Listen to this song. Please. It's beautiful. It screams Chris McCandless all over. It screams Alexandra Saari. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7loLxor-Hsg&feature=related
Start the music.
Feel strong!