When masturbation's lost its fun, you're fucking losing.
You know, I always wondered about that lyric. It's not very clear. The lyrics I find on google all also seem to split between "losing", "lonely", and "lazy", and he's not very clear in the song. I guess you can substitute all three of those in the subject, but I felt like losing was the one I feel the closest to out of the three.
It's really amazing how quick and trivial the transition from pretty happy go lucky with my life to rock bottom is. Less than a week really. Last weekend I was going out, crushing the poker games, getting excited about starting rowing lessons on monday, happy to have finally painted my apartment, and overall feeling pretty good. I mean, the looming threat was kinda there in the back of my mind, but I kinda put it off figuring it wouldn't happen, and feeling hopeful or something.
And so I sit here tonight, depressed, tired, restless, and most of all, I can't really do jack shit about it. The few options I seem to have, all seem to suck to me. Some look good in theory, but if you think it out, they are complex, challenging, and overall would leave me with probably even more uncertainty about the future.
I'm not going to write out what happened in words, since noone really reads this journal, and if anyone does, they can call me and ask me. I guess the point of this entry is to try to put some of my depression on paper, or the virtual equivalent.
Everything just seems to suck. Nothing is going my way. Like, really nothing. I'm pretty sure that the main thing that changed this week is basically effecting me so much that I'm letting it project onto everything else. Nothing is right, I don't know what to do, and I really have no outlet for anything. I can't go anywhere, I can't play poker because I just lose, I can't run, I don't want to watch TV, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to get laid, I don't want to work out, I don't want to think, I don't want to be alone, and the few people I was hoping to actually talk to or hang out with to make it better have all seemed to disappear off the face of the earth. This totally and utterly sucks.
I'm considering picking up smoking, or drinking, because I've laid here for the past 12 hours watching Californication on demand, and playing 1 table step tournaments on Stars. Californication ended abruptly on a cliff hanger, and I lost the 12 hour steps progress 2 spots away from getting the $5200 WCOOP seat. Nothing is going right, I feel like breaking stuff.
I don't know. I'm sure in a week I'll be okay. I'm sure I'll look back on this and delete it or feel sorry for letting myself feel so hopeless. But right now I really don't know what to do, and am in a rut. I think I'm going to try to go for a walk & go to sleep. I'm very lost.
It's really amazing how quick and trivial the transition from pretty happy go lucky with my life to rock bottom is. Less than a week really. Last weekend I was going out, crushing the poker games, getting excited about starting rowing lessons on monday, happy to have finally painted my apartment, and overall feeling pretty good. I mean, the looming threat was kinda there in the back of my mind, but I kinda put it off figuring it wouldn't happen, and feeling hopeful or something.
And so I sit here tonight, depressed, tired, restless, and most of all, I can't really do jack shit about it. The few options I seem to have, all seem to suck to me. Some look good in theory, but if you think it out, they are complex, challenging, and overall would leave me with probably even more uncertainty about the future.
I'm not going to write out what happened in words, since noone really reads this journal, and if anyone does, they can call me and ask me. I guess the point of this entry is to try to put some of my depression on paper, or the virtual equivalent.
Everything just seems to suck. Nothing is going my way. Like, really nothing. I'm pretty sure that the main thing that changed this week is basically effecting me so much that I'm letting it project onto everything else. Nothing is right, I don't know what to do, and I really have no outlet for anything. I can't go anywhere, I can't play poker because I just lose, I can't run, I don't want to watch TV, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to get laid, I don't want to work out, I don't want to think, I don't want to be alone, and the few people I was hoping to actually talk to or hang out with to make it better have all seemed to disappear off the face of the earth. This totally and utterly sucks.
I'm considering picking up smoking, or drinking, because I've laid here for the past 12 hours watching Californication on demand, and playing 1 table step tournaments on Stars. Californication ended abruptly on a cliff hanger, and I lost the 12 hour steps progress 2 spots away from getting the $5200 WCOOP seat. Nothing is going right, I feel like breaking stuff.
I don't know. I'm sure in a week I'll be okay. I'm sure I'll look back on this and delete it or feel sorry for letting myself feel so hopeless. But right now I really don't know what to do, and am in a rut. I think I'm going to try to go for a walk & go to sleep. I'm very lost.