An e-mail to Kristin
I sent this e-mail to Kristin, because I am so unhappy I could drive to Canada and change my name to Lillian Fleisch.
Kristin,
I'm writing you because you're the only friend I have who I'm not frustrated with at the moment, so please bear with me. You might want to clear your docket (schedule) 'cause, well, if I got this e-mail I wouldn't feel like being terribly productive afterwards.
All I want right now is to be wanted. I can do without fanfare or interesting things to do and whatnot, but I can't seem to make due without being wanted by people, but that's what I have been doing for a very long time now. Over the past three years, I have gone months without hearing from friends, and that's ignoring the time spent without anyone wanting to do something with me. Even when I suggest it and try to rally those people who I do think care, the response received is, to say the least, disheartening and I don't know what to do about it.
Nobody wants me, at least not in any un-superficial way, and in some ways I can see why. I have a tendency to fracture friendships (Alli naturally comes to mind as someone who I still love but who I don't think I'll see much of again, for obvious reasons). I also have some very self-destructive tendencies that cause some very bad physical side effects; we won't delve into that besides acknowledging that they're there. I've done a lot of very bad things and though the repentance process works, it does leave scars.
Am I undeserving of simple human friendship because I have lashed out at people during moments of excruciating loneliness? Or is it because I hurt myself in order to rid myself of disapproval? Then there are those things that I haven't repented of and I do not know if I am strong enough to. What is the price tag for love? Not love, just companionship. Someone to see an individual and think there's something special enough to be worth the effort of a phone call.
I know it isn't a matter of worthiness. Plenty of rapists have someone to visit them in prison. But these are the kinds of things that fly through one's mind when they have been sitting up screaming into their pillow and praying, begging God that someone would call, someone would care, someone would let them know that they're not alone in this world.
Nobody calls. Sleep overwhelms me, a gift from my Father, the only comfort I may receive, and I am allowed some hours to simply not think anymore. I have a lot of time to think these days, and since I haven't any real friends anymore the thoughts tend to be about myself. Oh, I've tried to fling myself into the service of others as best I could, have flung myself into my studies, and have run headlong into two disastrous relationships, all to no avail, and I begin to wonder: is it really worth it?
Not life, of course that's worth all the trouble. It's people, friendships that are supported by only one person. I adore those who I choose to call 'friend,' but I appear to mean very much less to them. I am at this moment considering the possibility of cutting off those who do not care enough to put any effort into me. I had the desire to move most of the way across this continent to be there for one friend who felt alone, but few have had the desire to drive a few miles or pick up their phone to have contact with me.
I am telling you this because you are the only friend who has wanted to see me without me having to push everything forward since February, and your friendship means a great deal to me. I won't give up on you, but I am seriously considering the possibility of giving up on everyone else. I won't make any big decisions yet, but I would like to know what your opinion is. I am worth too much to let myself be a forgotten friend, but nobody else seems to see that.
I love you very much and hope that my wallowing doesn't put too big a damper on your day.
Caroline
Kristin,
I'm writing you because you're the only friend I have who I'm not frustrated with at the moment, so please bear with me. You might want to clear your docket (schedule) 'cause, well, if I got this e-mail I wouldn't feel like being terribly productive afterwards.
All I want right now is to be wanted. I can do without fanfare or interesting things to do and whatnot, but I can't seem to make due without being wanted by people, but that's what I have been doing for a very long time now. Over the past three years, I have gone months without hearing from friends, and that's ignoring the time spent without anyone wanting to do something with me. Even when I suggest it and try to rally those people who I do think care, the response received is, to say the least, disheartening and I don't know what to do about it.
Nobody wants me, at least not in any un-superficial way, and in some ways I can see why. I have a tendency to fracture friendships (Alli naturally comes to mind as someone who I still love but who I don't think I'll see much of again, for obvious reasons). I also have some very self-destructive tendencies that cause some very bad physical side effects; we won't delve into that besides acknowledging that they're there. I've done a lot of very bad things and though the repentance process works, it does leave scars.
Am I undeserving of simple human friendship because I have lashed out at people during moments of excruciating loneliness? Or is it because I hurt myself in order to rid myself of disapproval? Then there are those things that I haven't repented of and I do not know if I am strong enough to. What is the price tag for love? Not love, just companionship. Someone to see an individual and think there's something special enough to be worth the effort of a phone call.
I know it isn't a matter of worthiness. Plenty of rapists have someone to visit them in prison. But these are the kinds of things that fly through one's mind when they have been sitting up screaming into their pillow and praying, begging God that someone would call, someone would care, someone would let them know that they're not alone in this world.
Nobody calls. Sleep overwhelms me, a gift from my Father, the only comfort I may receive, and I am allowed some hours to simply not think anymore. I have a lot of time to think these days, and since I haven't any real friends anymore the thoughts tend to be about myself. Oh, I've tried to fling myself into the service of others as best I could, have flung myself into my studies, and have run headlong into two disastrous relationships, all to no avail, and I begin to wonder: is it really worth it?
Not life, of course that's worth all the trouble. It's people, friendships that are supported by only one person. I adore those who I choose to call 'friend,' but I appear to mean very much less to them. I am at this moment considering the possibility of cutting off those who do not care enough to put any effort into me. I had the desire to move most of the way across this continent to be there for one friend who felt alone, but few have had the desire to drive a few miles or pick up their phone to have contact with me.
I am telling you this because you are the only friend who has wanted to see me without me having to push everything forward since February, and your friendship means a great deal to me. I won't give up on you, but I am seriously considering the possibility of giving up on everyone else. I won't make any big decisions yet, but I would like to know what your opinion is. I am worth too much to let myself be a forgotten friend, but nobody else seems to see that.
I love you very much and hope that my wallowing doesn't put too big a damper on your day.
Caroline