cogitations on love in a purposefully formal style.
So. i saw pride and prejudice for the second time tonight, this time with amy and yvette. it depressed amy, but in a way, it made me feel better, both times. it is a very romantic movie, breathtaking i dare say in its portrayal of love at times, thanks both to the direction and a stellar performance delivered by the male lead.
if i am rather heartbroken, then why would this make me feel better? to see what i cannot have? but thats precisely it. obviously it was a one-sided affection, and my delusion caused me much pain and sorrow. helped along by a certain lack of regard for my feelings during the early stages and sometimes later stages of my acquaintance with the person with whom i was in love.
but now, having gradually worked myself up to an unnatural and highly akward state of pessimism, that particular quality not being a general part of my personality, i no longer cry for whats lost, but for what was never there. i dont sorrow for what could have been, but rather for what i foolishly wanted, but never could have been.
ive just been thinking so much, and so much more clearly than i have in the past. seeing things from the outside. if he wanted me, he would have grabbed me and held on tight, no? if he truly felt for me, he would not let whatever it is he says is holding him back from, well, holding him back. and he would have never devoted so much of himself and his time to the "safe choice." its a perfectly rational explanation that he sets forth, but yet who in their right mind would do so? who would give up the chance for real love, however painful and terrifying and consuming it can be, to have certainty in their companionship? maybe im just talking for myself, but i would never, never do such a thing. you may argue thats what ive done now, but far from it. im merely letting go of my feelings. for the sanity of the situation. it doesnt make sense to hold onto what is not really there. and, yes, i do have moments of insane doubt. where i think, maybe im just being overly cautious, maybe all he needs it time. and i want to take it all back, i want to believe in it. and i cry for what i feel ive lost. i wonder if im making a mistake. but then i think rationally again, and thankfully these episodes of rationality are becoming more the norm than the exception of late. i eagerly anticipate the day when i will no longer be visited by these silly notions of love and romance. "soulmates." its all an illusion.
im just so tired. of believing, of wanting it. im drained. its like theres a gathering of storm clouds within me, and i just need to breathe deep and sigh them out. im tired of the rain, and yes, even the lightning, for it is oh so brief. nothing lasts anyway. the clouds will dissipate as they are naturally wont to do.
and sometimes i do wonder if im being overdramatic. i wonder what has made me feel so. i can only believe that i truly did love him with all my heart and soul, and that is how i got hurt so badly, yet kept coming back for more. but i also got hurt because he was careless. careless of my feelings, careless of me. i wish i could have fallen for someone a little less cruel.
and sometimes i laugh to imagine how i once was, how i was just before i started to get close to him. i guess this bleeding heart, silly romantic girl was always inside, just bitter from everything, and jaded. didnt know i could love so unselfishly, especially considering i thought i was too selfish for love, and that is why i couldnt feel.
and so i comfort myself with thoughts of my future independence. i do not plan to fall in love again. its more trouble than its worth. i reassure myself with thoughts of joining the peace corps, up and disappearing for two years. of travelling, of going places, doing things. and love will always be there. in a book, a movie. it fits much more comfortably in a world of make-believe anyway.
it is enough that i felt it once. i know it exists, however much i must sometimes feel the need to belittle the whole concept for my own peace of mind.
even though it wasn't returned, at least it was felt, no? i suppose that will have to do for me.
if i am rather heartbroken, then why would this make me feel better? to see what i cannot have? but thats precisely it. obviously it was a one-sided affection, and my delusion caused me much pain and sorrow. helped along by a certain lack of regard for my feelings during the early stages and sometimes later stages of my acquaintance with the person with whom i was in love.
but now, having gradually worked myself up to an unnatural and highly akward state of pessimism, that particular quality not being a general part of my personality, i no longer cry for whats lost, but for what was never there. i dont sorrow for what could have been, but rather for what i foolishly wanted, but never could have been.
ive just been thinking so much, and so much more clearly than i have in the past. seeing things from the outside. if he wanted me, he would have grabbed me and held on tight, no? if he truly felt for me, he would not let whatever it is he says is holding him back from, well, holding him back. and he would have never devoted so much of himself and his time to the "safe choice." its a perfectly rational explanation that he sets forth, but yet who in their right mind would do so? who would give up the chance for real love, however painful and terrifying and consuming it can be, to have certainty in their companionship? maybe im just talking for myself, but i would never, never do such a thing. you may argue thats what ive done now, but far from it. im merely letting go of my feelings. for the sanity of the situation. it doesnt make sense to hold onto what is not really there. and, yes, i do have moments of insane doubt. where i think, maybe im just being overly cautious, maybe all he needs it time. and i want to take it all back, i want to believe in it. and i cry for what i feel ive lost. i wonder if im making a mistake. but then i think rationally again, and thankfully these episodes of rationality are becoming more the norm than the exception of late. i eagerly anticipate the day when i will no longer be visited by these silly notions of love and romance. "soulmates." its all an illusion.
im just so tired. of believing, of wanting it. im drained. its like theres a gathering of storm clouds within me, and i just need to breathe deep and sigh them out. im tired of the rain, and yes, even the lightning, for it is oh so brief. nothing lasts anyway. the clouds will dissipate as they are naturally wont to do.
and sometimes i do wonder if im being overdramatic. i wonder what has made me feel so. i can only believe that i truly did love him with all my heart and soul, and that is how i got hurt so badly, yet kept coming back for more. but i also got hurt because he was careless. careless of my feelings, careless of me. i wish i could have fallen for someone a little less cruel.
and sometimes i laugh to imagine how i once was, how i was just before i started to get close to him. i guess this bleeding heart, silly romantic girl was always inside, just bitter from everything, and jaded. didnt know i could love so unselfishly, especially considering i thought i was too selfish for love, and that is why i couldnt feel.
and so i comfort myself with thoughts of my future independence. i do not plan to fall in love again. its more trouble than its worth. i reassure myself with thoughts of joining the peace corps, up and disappearing for two years. of travelling, of going places, doing things. and love will always be there. in a book, a movie. it fits much more comfortably in a world of make-believe anyway.
it is enough that i felt it once. i know it exists, however much i must sometimes feel the need to belittle the whole concept for my own peace of mind.
even though it wasn't returned, at least it was felt, no? i suppose that will have to do for me.