Mon Dieu
I don't even know anymore.
I'm losing interest in everything. Nothing seems worth it anymore. I haven't eaten properly in years. I know I shouldn't be skipping meals, but I don't even fucking care. Life is going to be shitty for the next two years anyways. I can't even go to a party without feeling awkward, because she should be there, seeing ( Read more... )
I'm losing interest in everything. Nothing seems worth it anymore. I haven't eaten properly in years. I know I shouldn't be skipping meals, but I don't even fucking care. Life is going to be shitty for the next two years anyways. I can't even go to a party without feeling awkward, because she should be there, seeing ( Read more... )
I rarely use livejournal, can't exactly stand it, so I just clicked on it to see how you used (many functions on livejournal confuses me). And then I saw this.
I just made it through high school. It hasn't been too great. You know, I used to care so much about myself-not egotistically, but I just wanted people who could understand-and especially, accept the real me. That I was some lazy douchebag. That it was alright not to know the answer to everything and act like some intellectual ass who talks about equality but would never talk to any of the English language learners or people taking all normal classes as friends. You have two more years to go, but at least you're having this crisis now instead of having all of hell and shit explode in your senior year. Maybe you would say that is better. It isn't, its living a lie even more than all its worth. And then sometimes you realize that you should have gotten help earlier.
Its lovely being admitted into a second-tier UC, one that you knew you would get into your whole entire life and use as an excuse to get away from your god-forbidding parents, only to realize you're getting rescinded whether you like it or not.
Its going to saw really dreary of me saying, but you really need to get checked and get help. I hated it. I hated being dependent on anything or anyone. I slept all day, ate very little, hated my life and myself and wished it were all a dream. And sometimes I still do, and I still wish that there was something out there and I still hope that this shithole isn't my life. But it gets better. Life goes on. Sometimes there is no I love you but those former three words that make the world go round.
Anyways, I never put you on a pedestal of glory if that makes you feel any better. To be honest, when I first saw you and your RPGs, I never thought their quality was amazing-enough for Shadowfaith to give you those cute little medals that are worth shet anyways. I sound mean right now, and I probably am. It was probably just the change that I hated, to see so many older and experienced RPGers leave and find a niche somewhere else and then a lot of new users arrived. And practically all the RPGers suffer from something or the other on the lines of depression. Because you get too overwhelmed by your internet selves, you feel it is so much better than the people in real life, and sometimes...its just being alone or the illusion of having some company. I still don't know now how to think about it or explain it. And to be honest, the strongest person has their downfalls and weaknesses. You're no different. And I think living life in moderation is best. I don't care if you're fat or you have issues, at least you're honest about it and even if it isn't without your own bias, I can accept it.
I haven't felt love in a long time. There are brief instances of happiness and affection, but nothing more. Does it get better? I don't know.
And I've probably just proven how much of a dumbass I am by talking about me. When this was all focused on you.
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Things are always been sort of weird. Circumstances that I was born with were different, although it's nothing physical. However you don't seem to be all that interested in my life story and to be honest I don't blame you. In short all I can say is that I'm recovering, and I don't know how long that's going to take right now but it'll get done. High school is a bitch, but if I can manage it so far I can manage it until the end. I've done three years, and I need to say I've at least wised up somewhat so I know how to manage stress and how to not cause it in the first place.
Meh, you're not being mean. I don't blame you. I've been looking back on everything that I've done on sppf and I look like a bloody idiot. I stepped onto the internet where I could be someone different and that I could be the "bad ass" or w/e the hell I was thinking. I was 13-14. I just wanted to be the coolest so I tried hard but didn't even really manage to get myself anywhere. I've at least cooled down in the 3 years that I've been online. I learnt to just step back and watch things. Post when you want to, post when you don't. It's an experience thing, right?
It's late at night and I have a plane ride to catch tomorrow morning. I don't even know if I replied to everything but I'm letting you know that I'm working my hardest at getting myself to be better. Hell. I've been like this for years so I figured it's time to talk to some sort of professional help. No pills, because idk apparently I don't have some sort of mental illness. Which is good.
I'm out for a month so it'll be a while until I come back. You stay strong though, because it sounds like you need it too.
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