Paired Gifting Fic for Ari
Username: sunflower_mynah
Class: Black Mage
Title: How Fanfic Tropes Backfired Spectacularly On One Cecil Harvey
Summary: Gift Exchange fic for arivess, who requested a fic on Cecil invoking fanfic tropes in a bid to get both Rosa and Kain to fuss over him (read: threesome). He tried. (Sometimes with the unsolicited advice of Edge.) They generally backfired. Hence the title.
Characters/Pairings: Cecil/Rosa/Kain, mentions of Edge/Rydia, and mentions of Yang, Golbez and Fusoya.
Word count: 712
Rating/warnings: PG-13, I think.
A/N: A huge thank you to sai_salamander and laifan for vetting this for me, and to zerrat for suggesting some of the cliches. (I have been saved from diving into TVTropes with two balls of yarn and a torchlight.)
1.
It made sense, truly. It was cold. We were low on firewood. Night was falling. Kain and I both know that one way of keeping warm is to share body heat.
I’d not factored in that Kain kicks in his sleep.
The worst of it? Rosa isn’t sympathetic.
2.
I missed a block when sparring with Kain, and sustained an injury. It was truly not that grave, and I was prepared to assure Kain of this.
Except he, too, must have realised this, and proceeded to tell me off for being so careless before hauling me off to Rosa. Who gave me a Look before healing me.
3.
i.
Research in the library yielded a haul of books that I was assured were the Baronian girls’ latest craze in literature. (Was that a snigger from the librarian? No matter.) Some time spent in serious study of these books (accompanied by the fortifying and very necessary presence of alcohol) yielded the knowledge that male leads are expected to sparkle.
Well, that shouldn’t be too hard...
Wait. His skin?
I’ll make do with the hair.
ii.
Step two as deduced from said books: one must assure the romantic interest(s) that one is a complete and irredeemable monster.
Attempt one (Rosa): Failed.
Rosa reminded me of Mount Ordeals. Also, “would you like to talk about it, dear, although many think your later deeds have more than expiated your crimes, if you’re still feeling guilty...”
This was not the result I expected.
Attempt two (Kain): Failed. Painfully.
Kain nearly decided he wasn’t good enough (again). Persuaded him out of returning to Mount Ordeals by promising him several sparring sessions and a few haircare tips.
Making one’s best friend sulk is not the ideal way to get him to fuss over you, besides.
iii.
Watching someone sleep is boring, not romantic, and Rosa caught me at it and told me to go back to sleep.
I took her advice.
iv.
According to these books, I need to strive to protect my loved ones at all costs, taking hits for them if necess -
…
Even Kain won’t argue with Rosa when she Makes Up Her Mind. I am a wise enough man not to argue too much with my wife. (Especially when she's the one who tends my injuries.)
v.
...I am not going to try the ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ approach.
That one belongs solely to Kain.
Maybe I should try another form of literature.
vi.
The weepy, fragile persona failed to work on Kain, who stared at me worriedly and then ran to find Rosa. Rosa, of course, found nothing wrong, and gave me a suspicious look.
What a perfect waste of all that makeup.
4.
My dears,
This letter of confession...
That did come out rather awkwardly.
When you see this...
No, that won’t do, either.
The unvarnished truth of the matter is...
I give up. Kain’s the one practised in writing such letters, not I.
4 (ALTERNATE)
Rosa found the letter I wrote, and is now wondering if Kain’s run off again.
I know Kain and I have very similar script, but this is truly ridiculous.
5.
“Oh, Rosa...” Arms around her. A sleepy sigh. Mumble. Moan a little. “Ohhh, Kain...”
“Cecil, dear, hush. I’m trying to sleep.” Pause. “I can tell when you’re trying to act, too.”
Foiled.
Not that acting was ever my forte.
6.
Just to be clear, this game of Never Have I Ever was not my idea, but a good strategist knows how to take advantage of every opportunity, even one offered by Edge.
“Ah... I’ve never been in a threesome?”
...All right. I should never have asked that question. I now have more information about some of my friends than I care to know.
Especially Edge.
...and Yang.
7.
...No.
Any line that ends in “Because you’re out of this world!” could only be used believably on my brother.
Or my uncle.
No.
Besides, Edge, they didn’t work on Rydia either.
8.
...This isn’t working. I have exhausted every possible avenue I can find. Edge’s advice, though kindly meant, is perhaps not best applied to the current situation, especially considering his lack of a success rate with Rydia. (Just as well.)
No more of this.
epilogue.
“Cecil? Next time, please just tell us.”
“Yes. Your efforts were commendable, but you should have been straightforward with us.”
Oh.
Well.
All right.
Class: Black Mage
Title: How Fanfic Tropes Backfired Spectacularly On One Cecil Harvey
Summary: Gift Exchange fic for arivess, who requested a fic on Cecil invoking fanfic tropes in a bid to get both Rosa and Kain to fuss over him (read: threesome). He tried. (Sometimes with the unsolicited advice of Edge.) They generally backfired. Hence the title.
Characters/Pairings: Cecil/Rosa/Kain, mentions of Edge/Rydia, and mentions of Yang, Golbez and Fusoya.
Word count: 712
Rating/warnings: PG-13, I think.
A/N: A huge thank you to sai_salamander and laifan for vetting this for me, and to zerrat for suggesting some of the cliches. (I have been saved from diving into TVTropes with two balls of yarn and a torchlight.)
1.
It made sense, truly. It was cold. We were low on firewood. Night was falling. Kain and I both know that one way of keeping warm is to share body heat.
I’d not factored in that Kain kicks in his sleep.
The worst of it? Rosa isn’t sympathetic.
2.
I missed a block when sparring with Kain, and sustained an injury. It was truly not that grave, and I was prepared to assure Kain of this.
Except he, too, must have realised this, and proceeded to tell me off for being so careless before hauling me off to Rosa. Who gave me a Look before healing me.
3.
i.
Research in the library yielded a haul of books that I was assured were the Baronian girls’ latest craze in literature. (Was that a snigger from the librarian? No matter.) Some time spent in serious study of these books (accompanied by the fortifying and very necessary presence of alcohol) yielded the knowledge that male leads are expected to sparkle.
Well, that shouldn’t be too hard...
Wait. His skin?
I’ll make do with the hair.
ii.
Step two as deduced from said books: one must assure the romantic interest(s) that one is a complete and irredeemable monster.
Attempt one (Rosa): Failed.
Rosa reminded me of Mount Ordeals. Also, “would you like to talk about it, dear, although many think your later deeds have more than expiated your crimes, if you’re still feeling guilty...”
This was not the result I expected.
Attempt two (Kain): Failed. Painfully.
Kain nearly decided he wasn’t good enough (again). Persuaded him out of returning to Mount Ordeals by promising him several sparring sessions and a few haircare tips.
Making one’s best friend sulk is not the ideal way to get him to fuss over you, besides.
iii.
Watching someone sleep is boring, not romantic, and Rosa caught me at it and told me to go back to sleep.
I took her advice.
iv.
According to these books, I need to strive to protect my loved ones at all costs, taking hits for them if necess -
…
Even Kain won’t argue with Rosa when she Makes Up Her Mind. I am a wise enough man not to argue too much with my wife. (Especially when she's the one who tends my injuries.)
v.
...I am not going to try the ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ approach.
That one belongs solely to Kain.
Maybe I should try another form of literature.
vi.
The weepy, fragile persona failed to work on Kain, who stared at me worriedly and then ran to find Rosa. Rosa, of course, found nothing wrong, and gave me a suspicious look.
What a perfect waste of all that makeup.
4.
My dears,
This letter of confession...
That did come out rather awkwardly.
When you see this...
No, that won’t do, either.
The unvarnished truth of the matter is...
I give up. Kain’s the one practised in writing such letters, not I.
4 (ALTERNATE)
Rosa found the letter I wrote, and is now wondering if Kain’s run off again.
I know Kain and I have very similar script, but this is truly ridiculous.
5.
“Oh, Rosa...” Arms around her. A sleepy sigh. Mumble. Moan a little. “Ohhh, Kain...”
“Cecil, dear, hush. I’m trying to sleep.” Pause. “I can tell when you’re trying to act, too.”
Foiled.
Not that acting was ever my forte.
6.
Just to be clear, this game of Never Have I Ever was not my idea, but a good strategist knows how to take advantage of every opportunity, even one offered by Edge.
“Ah... I’ve never been in a threesome?”
...All right. I should never have asked that question. I now have more information about some of my friends than I care to know.
Especially Edge.
...and Yang.
7.
...No.
Any line that ends in “Because you’re out of this world!” could only be used believably on my brother.
Or my uncle.
No.
Besides, Edge, they didn’t work on Rydia either.
8.
...This isn’t working. I have exhausted every possible avenue I can find. Edge’s advice, though kindly meant, is perhaps not best applied to the current situation, especially considering his lack of a success rate with Rydia. (Just as well.)
No more of this.
epilogue.
“Cecil? Next time, please just tell us.”
“Yes. Your efforts were commendable, but you should have been straightforward with us.”
Oh.
Well.
All right.