waves of conflict (crack!fic)
Username: sunflower_mynah
Class: Black Mage
Title: Waves of Conflict
Summary: ...FFIV is secretly all about hair jealousy; Rosa is obviously a professional hairdresser.
Characters/Pairings: Kain, Cecil, Rosa; mentions of Fusoya, Golbez, Barbariccia, and Zeromus.
Word count: 491
Rating/warnings: Crack. Crack crack crack crack. Please do not take this seriously. You have been warned. Also? CRACK.
Author's Note: ...for zerrat, who said she needed fic of Kain using tons of hair products; also for xinnk, ireth_oronra, and the_404_error, who fueled the madness.
i.
Pretended to be jealous of Cecil over Rosa; am actually jealous of his haircare regimen. How does he do it?!
ii.
Sparred with Cecil today. Knocked his helmet off to see if the man ever gets helmet hair.
The answer is apparently no.
Life is unfair.
iii.
The good thing is, it's not as if anyone ever sees Cecil's hair underneath the dark knight helmet, anyway -
What do you mean, he's a paladin?!
iv.
Revelation: paladins get awesome hair.
To be fair, Cecil already had awesome hair. He just gets to show it off more as a paladin.
I wonder if Rosa knows anything about how Cecil takes care of his hair...
v.
Rosa says it's a professional secret.
Golbez is trying to persuade her now.
There's no hope for him. Cecil evidently got all the good hair genes.
vi.
Trying to coax Rosa into giving me hairdressing tips.
(Barbariccia also wants them. Do you have any idea how pushy fiend women are?)
vii.
Tower of Zot hairdressing party crashed by Cecil of the Perfect Hair and co.
Just because he doesn't need hairdressing tips doesn't mean the rest of us lesser mortals don't...
viii.
Golbez is off. Back to hanging around with Cecil & co. Maybe spending some time with them will give me a chance to figure out what hair products he uses...
Maybe we could trade tips. Brands of nail polish for haircare product recommendations?
ix.
Nail polish bribe didn't work.
Lipstick recommendation did.
(Also, Rosa came by to suggest that Cecil try putting beads in his hair. Would like to see how that turns out.)
x.
Have been observing Cecil over countless battles. His hair survives anything the opponents throw at it.
It's not even covered.
And he's covering everyone else in the party.
Does being holy confer some kind of Protection Against Hair Disasters?
xi.
... it must be the holiness thing.
Perfect silver hair makes it easier for him to become a beacon of light.
xii.
Will go all the way to the moon and back in order to find out Cecil's Ultimate Hair Secret.
xiii.
...note to self: Be careful what you wish for, you may get it.
xiv.
(Also: met Lunarian named FuSoYa, who says Cecil is his nephew. The man has an impressive beard.
Fifty years from now, Cecil might look like that.
... the horror.)
xv.
Found out why Zeromus bears a grudge.
The man is bald.
Am now wondering if crystals respond to the shininess of hair instead of the purity of one's soul.
xvi.
I have no idea why I even wondered that.
The answer is obviously yes.
xvii.
Defeated Zeromus.
Now to see if holiness really is the secret to perfect hair.
Mount Ordeals awaits.
epilogue: dissidia
Cecil tried that bead idea Rosa suggested. It is not one of her better ideas.
It does, however, have the benefit of making his enemies laugh too hard to fight him.
Or maybe it’s just his cliché lines?
Class: Black Mage
Title: Waves of Conflict
Summary: ...FFIV is secretly all about hair jealousy; Rosa is obviously a professional hairdresser.
Characters/Pairings: Kain, Cecil, Rosa; mentions of Fusoya, Golbez, Barbariccia, and Zeromus.
Word count: 491
Rating/warnings: Crack. Crack crack crack crack. Please do not take this seriously. You have been warned. Also? CRACK.
Author's Note: ...for zerrat, who said she needed fic of Kain using tons of hair products; also for xinnk, ireth_oronra, and the_404_error, who fueled the madness.
i.
Pretended to be jealous of Cecil over Rosa; am actually jealous of his haircare regimen. How does he do it?!
ii.
Sparred with Cecil today. Knocked his helmet off to see if the man ever gets helmet hair.
The answer is apparently no.
Life is unfair.
iii.
The good thing is, it's not as if anyone ever sees Cecil's hair underneath the dark knight helmet, anyway -
What do you mean, he's a paladin?!
iv.
Revelation: paladins get awesome hair.
To be fair, Cecil already had awesome hair. He just gets to show it off more as a paladin.
I wonder if Rosa knows anything about how Cecil takes care of his hair...
v.
Rosa says it's a professional secret.
Golbez is trying to persuade her now.
There's no hope for him. Cecil evidently got all the good hair genes.
vi.
Trying to coax Rosa into giving me hairdressing tips.
(Barbariccia also wants them. Do you have any idea how pushy fiend women are?)
vii.
Tower of Zot hairdressing party crashed by Cecil of the Perfect Hair and co.
Just because he doesn't need hairdressing tips doesn't mean the rest of us lesser mortals don't...
viii.
Golbez is off. Back to hanging around with Cecil & co. Maybe spending some time with them will give me a chance to figure out what hair products he uses...
Maybe we could trade tips. Brands of nail polish for haircare product recommendations?
ix.
Nail polish bribe didn't work.
Lipstick recommendation did.
(Also, Rosa came by to suggest that Cecil try putting beads in his hair. Would like to see how that turns out.)
x.
Have been observing Cecil over countless battles. His hair survives anything the opponents throw at it.
It's not even covered.
And he's covering everyone else in the party.
Does being holy confer some kind of Protection Against Hair Disasters?
xi.
... it must be the holiness thing.
Perfect silver hair makes it easier for him to become a beacon of light.
xii.
Will go all the way to the moon and back in order to find out Cecil's Ultimate Hair Secret.
xiii.
...note to self: Be careful what you wish for, you may get it.
xiv.
(Also: met Lunarian named FuSoYa, who says Cecil is his nephew. The man has an impressive beard.
Fifty years from now, Cecil might look like that.
... the horror.)
xv.
Found out why Zeromus bears a grudge.
The man is bald.
Am now wondering if crystals respond to the shininess of hair instead of the purity of one's soul.
xvi.
I have no idea why I even wondered that.
The answer is obviously yes.
xvii.
Defeated Zeromus.
Now to see if holiness really is the secret to perfect hair.
Mount Ordeals awaits.
epilogue: dissidia
Cecil tried that bead idea Rosa suggested. It is not one of her better ideas.
It does, however, have the benefit of making his enemies laugh too hard to fight him.
Or maybe it’s just his cliché lines?