Fic: On The Mating Habits of the Common Flan
(This may need more tags, but the important ones are up...)
Username: Railenthe
Class: Monk
Title: On The Mating Habits of the Common Flan (OR: Darlavon ain't as boring as I remember him being)
Summary: Through the power of a presumed timey-wimey ball of STUFF, Darlavon arrives to meet fresh students at the Garden.
Characters/Pairings: Darlavon and a bunch of unsuspecting students...of which you may count yourself among. *evilface*
Word count: 710, according to Scrivener
Rating/warnings: T for mention of sex...albeit of the custard variety. Warning: NOT BRAINSAFE. Don't read and eat at the same time. LAST WARNING.
Genre: Crack
Disclaimer: I don’t make any money off of this. All characters are (C) Square-Enix…
I’m going to have to thank you for this. I think this cleared my fandom block.
Inspiration: “…Oh lord. I'm sort of fascinated and mildly horrified at the thought of what flans try to do to mate during the damp season.” -Sunflower_Mynah
“Though the flan appears as though it would reproduce asexually through a process similar to cell division, also known as cellular mitosis, the common flan, or Custardus Feral, is actually a gendered species. While it is difficult for the layman to tell one from the other, the flan does have its differences.
“If you’ll swipe through your text to Slide 52,” Darlavon continues.
There is the sound of fingers swiping across touchpads.
“As you can see, the difference between the male and female flan is obvious when you’re looking for it. See, here, the more rounded cranium of the female flan, and her slightly less vibrant coloration. Notice that both flans here are mono-colored, and not the usual two-tone custard shade that we usually think of when someone mentions flans.”
A hand is raised.
“Yes?”
“Why do we need to know this?”
“The information will be relevant should you ever need to dispatch a nest.”
“Wait, they nest?!”
“Yes. If you’ll go to Slide 53…”
Swipe.
“You’ll see that the mating season for flan corresponds to the weather patterns, so that the body of the flan does not dry out in the open air-”
There is a chorus of ‘Eww’’s in the classroom.
“You should be happy that we have not yet covered the mating habits of bombs and their kin. As I was saying, the common flan waits for the damp season, where their bodies are less vulnerable to the drying air. There is a circling, and much show is made as the males vie for the attention of a single female, who if she is bred with and made fertile, is classed as a so-called ‘Momflan.’”
There is the sound of immature giggling, and some gagging. Darlavon continues.
“The males circle the female, making great displays of showing off their elasticity, pliability, and smooth consistency-”
Again, there is the sound of immature giggling.
“-before finally approaching the female. …Slide 55, students…”
Swipe.
“If the female rejects the advances of one flan…”
There is a unified flinch and “Yuck!” reaction from the class at a loud CHOMP.
“As you can see, the unfit do not come away unscathed. This poor chap is probably done for in this mating season.”
The flan in the video slide slog-shuffles off to rest in a marsh puddle. Half the class shudders.
“Often, rejection takes the form of an attack or outright consumption. …Slide 60, class-I’m guessing you don’t want to see the other rejection responses.”
The classroom fills with “No’s” and “Ew’s” and “Yuck’s” as they swipe to the next slide.
“On acceptance, the female flan will initiate union. In this case-”
Another chorus of disgusted sounds as there is the sound of squelch-ing and splorch-ing.
“We did warn you that this class was not for the weak of constitution,” Darlavon interrupts with a sly smile. “At the consummation of the mating, the two flan share one form for a time, appearing to be one monstrously large flan for the duration of the union. Once the act is complete…Slide 62.”
The class swipes forward so quickly that some have to backtrack-getting that image off screen is a priority.
“The act complete at last, the flans will separate from one another, back in their individual bodies. As you can see, both flans are now bi-colored, sharing shading from its mate, and very docile. They travel now to build their nest, as the common flan mates for life.”
Silence.
“That will be all for today. Be advised that today’s cafeteria special is delicate Wutaiian beef served on a warm, fresh banh-mi roll. It’s like hot dogs for a gourmand.
Who the frak wants lunch after THAT class?
Username: Railenthe
Class: Monk
Title: On The Mating Habits of the Common Flan (OR: Darlavon ain't as boring as I remember him being)
Summary: Through the power of a presumed timey-wimey ball of STUFF, Darlavon arrives to meet fresh students at the Garden.
Characters/Pairings: Darlavon and a bunch of unsuspecting students...of which you may count yourself among. *evilface*
Word count: 710, according to Scrivener
Rating/warnings: T for mention of sex...albeit of the custard variety. Warning: NOT BRAINSAFE. Don't read and eat at the same time. LAST WARNING.
Genre: Crack
Disclaimer: I don’t make any money off of this. All characters are (C) Square-Enix…
I’m going to have to thank you for this. I think this cleared my fandom block.
Inspiration: “…Oh lord. I'm sort of fascinated and mildly horrified at the thought of what flans try to do to mate during the damp season.” -Sunflower_Mynah
“Though the flan appears as though it would reproduce asexually through a process similar to cell division, also known as cellular mitosis, the common flan, or Custardus Feral, is actually a gendered species. While it is difficult for the layman to tell one from the other, the flan does have its differences.
“If you’ll swipe through your text to Slide 52,” Darlavon continues.
There is the sound of fingers swiping across touchpads.
“As you can see, the difference between the male and female flan is obvious when you’re looking for it. See, here, the more rounded cranium of the female flan, and her slightly less vibrant coloration. Notice that both flans here are mono-colored, and not the usual two-tone custard shade that we usually think of when someone mentions flans.”
A hand is raised.
“Yes?”
“Why do we need to know this?”
“The information will be relevant should you ever need to dispatch a nest.”
“Wait, they nest?!”
“Yes. If you’ll go to Slide 53…”
Swipe.
“You’ll see that the mating season for flan corresponds to the weather patterns, so that the body of the flan does not dry out in the open air-”
There is a chorus of ‘Eww’’s in the classroom.
“You should be happy that we have not yet covered the mating habits of bombs and their kin. As I was saying, the common flan waits for the damp season, where their bodies are less vulnerable to the drying air. There is a circling, and much show is made as the males vie for the attention of a single female, who if she is bred with and made fertile, is classed as a so-called ‘Momflan.’”
There is the sound of immature giggling, and some gagging. Darlavon continues.
“The males circle the female, making great displays of showing off their elasticity, pliability, and smooth consistency-”
Again, there is the sound of immature giggling.
“-before finally approaching the female. …Slide 55, students…”
Swipe.
“If the female rejects the advances of one flan…”
There is a unified flinch and “Yuck!” reaction from the class at a loud CHOMP.
“As you can see, the unfit do not come away unscathed. This poor chap is probably done for in this mating season.”
The flan in the video slide slog-shuffles off to rest in a marsh puddle. Half the class shudders.
“Often, rejection takes the form of an attack or outright consumption. …Slide 60, class-I’m guessing you don’t want to see the other rejection responses.”
The classroom fills with “No’s” and “Ew’s” and “Yuck’s” as they swipe to the next slide.
“On acceptance, the female flan will initiate union. In this case-”
Another chorus of disgusted sounds as there is the sound of squelch-ing and splorch-ing.
“We did warn you that this class was not for the weak of constitution,” Darlavon interrupts with a sly smile. “At the consummation of the mating, the two flan share one form for a time, appearing to be one monstrously large flan for the duration of the union. Once the act is complete…Slide 62.”
The class swipes forward so quickly that some have to backtrack-getting that image off screen is a priority.
“The act complete at last, the flans will separate from one another, back in their individual bodies. As you can see, both flans are now bi-colored, sharing shading from its mate, and very docile. They travel now to build their nest, as the common flan mates for life.”
Silence.
“That will be all for today. Be advised that today’s cafeteria special is delicate Wutaiian beef served on a warm, fresh banh-mi roll. It’s like hot dogs for a gourmand.
Who the frak wants lunch after THAT class?