[Gil Request] The NPC's Opera
Username: sunflower_mynah
Class: Black Mage
Title: The NPC's Opera
Summary: Gil request from toffeethesnob: the Treno Auctioneer and the Impresario of the Jidoor Opera House meet in a bar and rant at each other about the things they have to put up with: namely, Kuja and Ultros.
Characters/Pairings: Treno Auctioneer, the Impresario, important mentions of Kuja, Ultros, Locke & Celes. Also mentions of Gilgamesh and Genesis.
Word count: 1025, 665 of which is in poetry. (Well, attempted poetry.)
Rating/warnings: If we shadows hath offended Er. Crack. Bad poetry. Rampant abuse of Shakespeare, to whom I owe a magnificent apology.
APPENDIX I | DELETED SCENES
EDITOR’S NOTE:
This portion of the deleted scenes was retrieved from a preserved copy of the first edition of the text, purportedly belonging to the actor playing the role of the Auctioneer.
We have kept this reproduction as faithful to the original as possible.
Editor’s notes will be added as necessary.
___________
[SETTING:
An unnamed bar between universes. There is a lone moogle serving as the bartender. The bar is empty save for two men: the TRENO AUCTIONEER and the IMPRESARIO of the JIDOOR OPERA HOUSE, who are lamenting at each other while nursing their drinks.]
AUCTIONEER
O eidolons above, grant me relief;
Grant me oblivion sweet - o, blessed ale!
I thank thee, kind moogle. [He nods at the man next to him] Look you, fair sir,
with face most grave - is it you share my pain?
Come, new friend mine: I offer thee a toast.
[They toast.]
What ails thee, then?
IMPRESARIO
Amateurs! Hack actors! New sopranos
Whose voices make the house’s windows crack
From side to side. No angel choir this,
But howling screams of damn-ed souls, begging
For oblivion’s sweet release. What of me?
Why, no relief remains save that of drink
(A blessing most devoutly cherish-ed.)
I see you suffer too: another toast, then,
Ere we share our stories.
[They toast again. Make sure to show the Kupo Ale logo on the mug!]
AUCTIONEER
[Music starts at the line “I but brought in...”, rising in volume throughout]
But now you sound like him! “Rank amateurs!”
So sayeth he, voice dripping cold disdain.
“I can’t stand the untalented!” he cries,
While singing praises of antique curtains
I but brought in that day: “O purest white
That shields mine eyes from sun’s unyielding light;
That drapes gently o’er my windowpane --”
I tuned him out; he continues in this vein.
IMPRESARIO
“Celes!” the thief cries, though that’s not her name;
Not in a play! Not when she looks the same
As our Maria -
AUCTIONEER
[talking over the top of the IMPRESARIO’s last line]
I do admit it’s true they were pure silk,
but behaviour of that ilk?
BOTH
It’s sure to leave me feeling quite dismayed!
[Music abruptly cuts.
Silence.]
IMPRESARIO
He brought a plague upon my opera house!
AUCTIONEER
He sashays about in a purple thong!
IMPRESARIO
Purple octopodes descended on us!
AUCTIONEER
And thinks he’s quite the - Sorry, purple what?
IMPRESARIO
Octopus: eight legs, tentacles, squirts ink
Black as darkest night; a delicacy
You may perchance have tasted of before.
This one penned a threat, in his own dark ink -
A dire one. Worse than his handwriting:
I misread it at first. Would I had not!
I thought it read “I’ll ham up your opera,”
A trick of little use. There the shame lies!
[He sobs. The AUCTIONEER pats his shoulder sympathetically.]
What a piece of work this opera house is: how fine its facades! how unrivalled its costs! in majesty how like a palace! in form and content how utterly uplifting! the pride of Jidoor; the splendour of the world! --and our opera crasher is sub-par!
[He breathes heavily before recovering]
We wrought a trick. It was a cunning one:
Celes would play Maria! They looked alike
As two peas in a pod: in this fashion
We would trick Setzer. It was not to be -
A purple octopus dropped from the sky -
The rafters, rather! and struck both male leads
A painful blow. Passed they both out at once.
Our treasure hunter took straight to the stage,
As did octopus vile. O unholy day,
O day of woe! Grant me this one wish -
That never again shall I bear witness
To such acting. “Blue-blooded octopus!”
AUCTIONEER
Say you this now? Count your blessings, my friend:
Mine would play them both, and Maria too!
O, but you should hear him: canary-mad,
As cuckoo as a clock missing its gears.
[He mimics Kuja]
Now, princess, sweet canary mine, fly home
And return to your mother. I shall wait
With arms extended, open wide, until
The stage is set. Then shall I reveal
The trap I laid, which thou hast flown into...
Is this a Dagger I see before me?
Aye, it is. I have thee now, my pretty;
And in this gilded cage thou shalt remain.
So he does speak. Won’t answer to his name.
Heaven forfend you call him aught but Sir
Or, better yet, Lord King. I’ve no idea
Why he craves this so. If titles he wants?
I’ve some in mind: His Royal Pantslessness;
Queen of Unneeded Drama. There we go!
IMPRESARIO
His Royal Pantslessness? Whither the name?
AUCTIONEER
He runs around in but a purple thong.
IMPRESARIO
...How came you by this unseemly knowledge?
AUCTIONEER
Why, for he makes no attempt to hide it!
Think you I wish to see this purple thong?
IMPRESARIO
True. Forgive me, friend; I spoke out of turn.
What dire shade is this thong you speak of?
AUCTIONEER
A most delicate shade of lavender.
IMPRESARIO
Surely it is not in fashion? Then why --
AUCTIONEER
I do not wish to contemplate his crotch.
[Silence.]
Come, friend mine. If invite brain-death we must,
Then let it be by some more pleasant route
Than this. Here’s to oblivion! Another round -
We shall drink and drink until we both black out.
[LIGHTS FADE]
EDITOR’S NOTE:
This scene was present in the first edition, but struck from later editions of the text following accusations of slander. In order to protect himself from being incinerated with Flare Star, the playwright removed the scene.
However, the scene proved popular with many members of the audience, and so the playwright was forced to replace it with a similarly-written scene. Subsequent editions were therefore published with two soldiers discussing the flaws of a character named Genesis; all extant copies of the first edition were purchased and burned.
In some versions of the play, this scene is replaced by a monologue recited by the character Gilgamesh. Interestingly, none of the monologues are the same, sharing only the common thread of ‘wandering the Rift’. There has been much scholarly speculation on this strange phenomenon.
Class: Black Mage
Title: The NPC's Opera
Summary: Gil request from toffeethesnob: the Treno Auctioneer and the Impresario of the Jidoor Opera House meet in a bar and rant at each other about the things they have to put up with: namely, Kuja and Ultros.
Characters/Pairings: Treno Auctioneer, the Impresario, important mentions of Kuja, Ultros, Locke & Celes. Also mentions of Gilgamesh and Genesis.
Word count: 1025, 665 of which is in poetry. (Well, attempted poetry.)
Rating/warnings: If we shadows hath offended Er. Crack. Bad poetry. Rampant abuse of Shakespeare, to whom I owe a magnificent apology.
APPENDIX I | DELETED SCENES
EDITOR’S NOTE:
This portion of the deleted scenes was retrieved from a preserved copy of the first edition of the text, purportedly belonging to the actor playing the role of the Auctioneer.
We have kept this reproduction as faithful to the original as possible.
Editor’s notes will be added as necessary.
___________
[SETTING:
An unnamed bar between universes. There is a lone moogle serving as the bartender. The bar is empty save for two men: the TRENO AUCTIONEER and the IMPRESARIO of the JIDOOR OPERA HOUSE, who are lamenting at each other while nursing their drinks.]
AUCTIONEER
O eidolons above, grant me relief;
Grant me oblivion sweet - o, blessed ale!
I thank thee, kind moogle. [He nods at the man next to him] Look you, fair sir,
with face most grave - is it you share my pain?
Come, new friend mine: I offer thee a toast.
[They toast.]
What ails thee, then?
IMPRESARIO
Amateurs! Hack actors! New sopranos
Whose voices make the house’s windows crack
From side to side. No angel choir this,
But howling screams of damn-ed souls, begging
For oblivion’s sweet release. What of me?
Why, no relief remains save that of drink
(A blessing most devoutly cherish-ed.)
I see you suffer too: another toast, then,
Ere we share our stories.
[They toast again. Make sure to show the Kupo Ale logo on the mug!]
AUCTIONEER
[Music starts at the line “I but brought in...”, rising in volume throughout]
But now you sound like him! “Rank amateurs!”
So sayeth he, voice dripping cold disdain.
“I can’t stand the untalented!” he cries,
While singing praises of antique curtains
I but brought in that day: “O purest white
That shields mine eyes from sun’s unyielding light;
That drapes gently o’er my windowpane --”
I tuned him out; he continues in this vein.
IMPRESARIO
“Celes!” the thief cries, though that’s not her name;
Not in a play! Not when she looks the same
As our Maria -
AUCTIONEER
[talking over the top of the IMPRESARIO’s last line]
I do admit it’s true they were pure silk,
but behaviour of that ilk?
BOTH
It’s sure to leave me feeling quite dismayed!
[Music abruptly cuts.
Silence.]
IMPRESARIO
He brought a plague upon my opera house!
AUCTIONEER
He sashays about in a purple thong!
IMPRESARIO
Purple octopodes descended on us!
AUCTIONEER
And thinks he’s quite the - Sorry, purple what?
IMPRESARIO
Octopus: eight legs, tentacles, squirts ink
Black as darkest night; a delicacy
You may perchance have tasted of before.
This one penned a threat, in his own dark ink -
A dire one. Worse than his handwriting:
I misread it at first. Would I had not!
I thought it read “I’ll ham up your opera,”
A trick of little use. There the shame lies!
[He sobs. The AUCTIONEER pats his shoulder sympathetically.]
What a piece of work this opera house is: how fine its facades! how unrivalled its costs! in majesty how like a palace! in form and content how utterly uplifting! the pride of Jidoor; the splendour of the world! --and our opera crasher is sub-par!
[He breathes heavily before recovering]
We wrought a trick. It was a cunning one:
Celes would play Maria! They looked alike
As two peas in a pod: in this fashion
We would trick Setzer. It was not to be -
A purple octopus dropped from the sky -
The rafters, rather! and struck both male leads
A painful blow. Passed they both out at once.
Our treasure hunter took straight to the stage,
As did octopus vile. O unholy day,
O day of woe! Grant me this one wish -
That never again shall I bear witness
To such acting. “Blue-blooded octopus!”
AUCTIONEER
Say you this now? Count your blessings, my friend:
Mine would play them both, and Maria too!
O, but you should hear him: canary-mad,
As cuckoo as a clock missing its gears.
[He mimics Kuja]
Now, princess, sweet canary mine, fly home
And return to your mother. I shall wait
With arms extended, open wide, until
The stage is set. Then shall I reveal
The trap I laid, which thou hast flown into...
Is this a Dagger I see before me?
Aye, it is. I have thee now, my pretty;
And in this gilded cage thou shalt remain.
So he does speak. Won’t answer to his name.
Heaven forfend you call him aught but Sir
Or, better yet, Lord King. I’ve no idea
Why he craves this so. If titles he wants?
I’ve some in mind: His Royal Pantslessness;
Queen of Unneeded Drama. There we go!
IMPRESARIO
His Royal Pantslessness? Whither the name?
AUCTIONEER
He runs around in but a purple thong.
IMPRESARIO
...How came you by this unseemly knowledge?
AUCTIONEER
Why, for he makes no attempt to hide it!
Think you I wish to see this purple thong?
IMPRESARIO
True. Forgive me, friend; I spoke out of turn.
What dire shade is this thong you speak of?
AUCTIONEER
A most delicate shade of lavender.
IMPRESARIO
Surely it is not in fashion? Then why --
AUCTIONEER
I do not wish to contemplate his crotch.
[Silence.]
Come, friend mine. If invite brain-death we must,
Then let it be by some more pleasant route
Than this. Here’s to oblivion! Another round -
We shall drink and drink until we both black out.
[LIGHTS FADE]
EDITOR’S NOTE:
This scene was present in the first edition, but struck from later editions of the text following accusations of slander. In order to protect himself from being incinerated with Flare Star, the playwright removed the scene.
However, the scene proved popular with many members of the audience, and so the playwright was forced to replace it with a similarly-written scene. Subsequent editions were therefore published with two soldiers discussing the flaws of a character named Genesis; all extant copies of the first edition were purchased and burned.
In some versions of the play, this scene is replaced by a monologue recited by the character Gilgamesh. Interestingly, none of the monologues are the same, sharing only the common thread of ‘wandering the Rift’. There has been much scholarly speculation on this strange phenomenon.